The Witch-Bang Theory
by JBean210
Summary: Penny meets her grandfather Maurice and learns she's a witch. How will she handle her new-found abilities and relatives? How can Leonard help her cope with them? And what will this mean for the future of their engagement and their relationship? A Big Bang Theory / Bewitched (Classic TV series) crossover.
1. The Revelation Hypothesis

.

**Episode One**  
**The Revelation Hypothesis**

_Published_ 10/3/2014

=ooo=

Leonard and Penny had decided to conduct an experiment in her apartment. Leonard had arrived earlier with spaghetti, sauce, a loaf of garlic bread and a bottle of sauvignon blanc, prepared dinner, then set a timer to see how long it would be before Sheldon came over to: A, complain that Leonard should be cooking dinner for _him_, not Penny; B, explain that spaghetti was much better eaten with hot dogs cut up in it than just with sauce; and C, invite himself to dinner because he was hungry and couldn't cook for himself because he was too busy and important for such menial work. That, of course, would lead to D: since he was eating with them anyway, could Leonard go pick up some hot dogs for the spaghetti?

So far, twenty minutes into the experiment, no Sheldon had yet appeared.

"How is the spaghetti, by the way?" Leonard asked.

"It's good," Penny nodded, taking another bite. "Almost as good as mine."

Leonard smiled at Penny's joke. She _never_ cooked the spaghetti right. "Almost," he agreed with her, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

"The garlic bread is good, too," Penny added, taking another slice.

"I'm glad to hear that," Leonard said. "Because I wanted to try something new this time," he added. "You know, because I _am_ an experimental physicist, after all, and this _is_ an experiment—"

"Yes, sweetie, I get it," Penny said, holding up a hand to forestall more explanation. "It's wonderful. In fact, everything is wonderful now." Since their engagement in May, Leonard had gone all-out to impress her with his homemaking and cooking skills. Her apartment was now the cleanest it had ever been, with none of her blouses or panties strewn about the floor. The carpet was vacuumed, the drapes were washed and cleaned, and every surface in the room was dusted and polished until the place practically glowed.

Now Penny understood what Sheldon meant when he said he was in hell.

"I'm glad you're happy," Leonard beamed at her.

"I am," she agreed. "I really am," she added trying to convince herself. She attacked her spaghetti once again. "Now I know how you feel, living with Sheldon," she said.

"Well, good," Leonard said. He processed that for a moment, then frowned. "What—what does that mean, exactly?" he asked, uncertainly.

"Oh, I don't know," she shrugged. "It's just a little, well—overwhelming."

"Overwhelming?" he looked confused and a bit hurt. "What's overwhelming?" He looked around the room. "Everything is so—_neat_, now."

Penny's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying my apartment was messy before?"

"Well, no," Leonard blurted out quickly. Then, "but, well, yeah. Cluttered, really, but not dirty _per se_," he added, as her expression turned stony. "It had—personality," he continued, hoping that would mollify her.

It seemed to work. "Well," she said, looking around the room. "It _does_ look nice now." She gave a short laugh. "If only my mother could see this. She used to complain about my room all the time."

"So did mine," Leonard commiserated. "She would go through it every week and throw out anything that wasn't put away in a drawer, a shelf or hung up correctly in my closet."

"Yeah, your mom is a trip," Penny agreed. "What did she say when you told her we were engaged?"

Leonard looked embarrassed. "Um," he said.

"You _still_ haven't told her? Leonard, why _not_?"

"Well," Leonard explained, in a very quiet voice. "I know Sheldon is looking forward to telling her when she gets back from her European book tour."

Penny shook her head and took another bite of spaghetti. "I'm surprised Amy's not jealous about _that_," she said. "The _other woman_ in Sheldon's life. Besides his mom and me, that is."

"Well," Leonard confided, "Amy did make him write an addendum to their Relationship Agreement stipulating that he would not engage in more than three email exchanges with her per week, or contact her by Skype more than six times per month, or seven times in months with 31 days, without clearing it with Amy first."

"Well, good for her," Penny said again, taking a sip of her sauvignon blanc. "You know how those unmarried older women can be with younger men."

Leonard was smiling now. "Yeah," he agreed. "My mother the cougar."

Both of them chuckled. "And, you know," Leonard mused. "I'm not sure if Sheldon ever finished that book on sex we got him. He did say it gave him nightmares."

"According to Amy he hasn't finished it yet," Penny supplied. "She told me he said it was an example of —" she paused to remember his exact words—"'the kind of hippy-dippy free love nonsense that is ruining our country and our educational system.'"

"That sounds about right," Leonard agreed, grinning. Seeing she was finished eating, he stood and took their plates to the kitchen sink. "I'll wash the dishes then we can watch that DVD you rented. I've wanted to see 'The Notebook' for a long time." He turned away and added under his breath, "Even though you hardly even _see_ a notebook during the entire movie…"

"What?" Penny asked, from the table.

"Nothing."

There was a _knock-knock-knock_ at the door. Both Leonard and Penny looked at it, then at each other. "Who could that be?" Leonard asked.

"Well, it's not Sheldon," Penny pointed out, walking toward the door. "It's six knocks and three 'Penny's too short to be him."

Opening the door, she found a dapper older man standing there, dressed in a formal black cut-away coat, a sweeping black cape with red lining on his shoulders. He had on a white bow tie and gloves and a black top had, and was holding a gold-tipped black cane. "Good evening, my dear," he said, removing his top hat and bowing with a flourish. "Do I have the honor of addressing Miss Penny?"

"Um, yeah," Penny said, taken aback by the man's appearance. "Sorry, we don't need any tickets to the opera tonight," she quipped.

"Ah," the gentleman smiled at her humor. "Quite droll, my dear. I'm acquainted with your father, Wyatt. I would like to speak with you about a matter that concerns the two of you. May I come in?"

"Um, sure," Penny said, letting him inside.

The gentleman, who appeared to be in his late fifties or early sixties, glanced around the apartment. "Very … _quaint_ living arrangements, my dear," he said, removing his gloves and dropping them in his top hat, as Leonard walked over to stand next to Penny. "And who might this young fellow be?"

"This is Leonard Hofstadter," Penny said, introducing him. "He's my fiancé."

The older gentleman regarded Leonard appraisingly. "You are to be married?" he asked, his eyes narrowing much like Penny's did when she wasn't pleased.

"Um, yes—yes, sir," Leonard said, taking an unconscious step back.

"Well, congratulations," the man said, taking Leonard's hand and shaking it.

"Thank you, sir," Leonard said, relieved by his reaction.

"Please excuse my manners," the man continued, still shaking Leonard's hand. "My name is Maurice. I am Penny's grandfather, and Wyatt's father."

"Oh my God!" Penny exclaimed, completely surprised. She hugged the older man excitedly. "Daddy never told us you were still alive!"

Maurice returned the hug, then held her at arm's length. "It has been quite some time since your father and I have spoken, Penny," he said. "When I learned that he had married and raised children, I wanted to meet the three of you."

"Well, my sister and brother are back in Nebraska," Penny explained. "My sister is married and has two boys, and my brother is—well, he's sort of working for the state right now."

Maurice looked puzzled. "A job in government?" he asked.

"More like, in jail," she said, embarrassed.

"I see," Maurice said. He gestured toward the couch. "Do you mind if we sit down? I'd like to talk to you about your father. I have some things to tell you about him."

Penny looked concerned at this. "Is anything wrong, sir?" Leonard asked. "Did something happen to Wyatt?"

"Nothing has happened," Maurice assured them. "Please," he said, gesturing to the couch again. Penny and Leonard both sat, looking intrigued.

Maurice sat down next to them, still holding his cane. "I must apologize for taking so long to find you, my dear," he told Penny. "I have been abroad for some time, and I do like to know how well the members of my family are faring in life."

"Well, so far no problems," Penny said. "I'm engaged to Leonard and everything's wonderful. Unless," she added sardonically, "you count the ten years I spent in a dead-end job getting minimum wage, trying to become an actress but getting nowhere…"

"I see," Maurice nodded sympathetically. "I understand the trials and tribulations of acting, my dear. I myself am an actor of some repute," he said proudly.

"Really?" Penny perked up immediately. "What have you done? Would I have seen you in something?"

"No, my dear," Maurice smiled. "It would have been before your time, I fear. Most of my acting has been in the theatre. I have done Hamlet, Macbeth, Richard the Second, Petruchio from _Taming of the Shrew_, Prospero —" he stood suddenly, raising one hand dramatically as if holding a skull. "Alas, poor Yorick!" he cried. "I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath —" Maurice abruptly stopped and sat down again. "But, I digress," he apologized. "Back to the matter at hand.

"There is something I must tell you," Maurice said, and it was evident he did not wish to speak of it. "When your grandmother had Wyatt, I was not married to her."

"I see," Penny said, then shrugged. "Well, that's not so unusual, is it?"

"It was at the time," Maurice told her. "Even more so for the fact that … I _was_ married … to another woman."

"Oh," both Penny and Leonard said at the same time.

"I am not particularly proud of it," Maurice continued. "My wife and I have a somewhat, shall we say, _open_ relationship, but we had agreed that our one daughter together would be all the children we would have. Wyatt's mother, however, had different plans. I did not learn of his existence until after she had borne him."

Penny nodded knowingly. "My sister did that with her husband. He didn't know she was pregnant until she went into labor. She got off her job at Denny's and when he picked her up she said, 'We're going to the hospital, honey, I've got a baby to deliver!' Surprised the crap out of him! Of course, to be fair, they'd only been married four months at the time."

There was a brief silence.

"In any event," Maurice continued, ignoring Penny's remarks, "my wife and I have since reconciled our differences, and Wyatt's mother and I have managed to look beyond his disability and accept him gladly as our son."

"Wait a minute," Penny held up her hands. "What disability? My father is the healthiest old guy I know! I've never seen him sick a day in his life."

"He never shared the details of his birth with you?" Maurice asked. "Strange, I would have thought—but perhaps he did not wish to burden you…"

"Burden us?" Penny's voice was going shrill. "What's wrong with him?" She started to look panicked. "Does he have some kind of incurable disease he passed on to us?"

"No, no, my dear," Maurice reassured her. "Nothing of that sort. Wyatt's disability is known as Latent Magic Syndrome."

There was another silence, somewhat longer this time.

"I'm sorry," Leonard leaned forward to make sure he'd heard correctly. "Could—could you repeat that, please? Latent _What_ Syndrome?"

"Latent Magic Syndrome," Maurice repeated patiently. "A condition where the patient's magic does not develop fully, or at all in some cases. In the case of your father," he said to Penny, "his magic had not developed at all by the time he was three. His mother Elvira and I were heartbroken, of course."

"Hold on," Penny said abruptly. "What are you trying to tell us here? That my father is some kind of _Squib_, like in those Harry Potter stories?" She looked at Leonard. "'Squib' is the right word, isn't it?"

"Yes, very good!" he nodded at her.

"No, my dear, not at all like those stories," Maurice said, severely. "Those are mere flights of fancy, old mortals' tales about witches and warlocks. They have nothing to do with how we _really_ are."

"What is what, exactly?" Penny asked, both curious and doubtful.

"Witches and warlocks have existed for millennia," Maurice explained. "For countless generations we lived in a realm that existed alongside your mortal plane, but was separate from it. One day, thousands of years ago, some of us ventured into your realm to see what it was like. There we discovered your ancestors, living in crude huts and toiling in the dirt for food. Many of us returned to the comfort of our own realm, but a few remained behind to help the poor mortals improve their lot in life.

"How did they do that, exactly?" Leonard asked, curious.

"Well, once we learned that mortals could not do magic," Maurice said. "We started teaching them other things. We gave them language and writing, for example, though some mortals took it upon themselves to try and improve on our methods." He shook his head sadly. "A trifle misguided, though I admit I do prefer using English to, say, Sumerian. Especially in the theatre."

"That's pretty amazing," Leonard said, sounding awed.

"That's pretty unbelievable," Penny said, giving both him and Maurice a cynical look. "Leonard, are you really buying this crap?"

"What?" Leonard looked surprised.

"You don't believe me, my dear?" Maurice asked, looking disappointed.

Penny shook her head. "You're a pretty good actor, I'll say that. But this is starting to feel like one of Sheldon's bazookas, or whatever he says."

"Oh." Leonard looked surprised, then nodded. "You could be right." He looked apologetically at Maurice. "I'm sorry sir, but I'm not buying it either."

Maurice looked affronted. "I assure you it is entirely true," he said indignantly. "Look, I have Wyatt's birth certificate right here, for proof." He reached into his coat pocket and took out a scroll of parchment. The scroll rolled open as he handed it to Penny. She and Leonard looked at it:

* * *

**The Witches Council**  
**Certificate of Birth**

This is to certify that the Warlock

_Wyatt_

Was born to  
the Warlock _Maurice  
_and  
the Witch _Elvira_

this eighth day of August, 1862 A.D.  
in the state of New York  
in the country of the United States of America  
in the Mortal Realm

Witnessed this day by _Hepzibah_ Head of the Witches Council

* * *

"Born in 1862?" Penny said, staring at her father's supposed birth date. "Funny—he doesn't look a day over 100." She handed to parchment back to Maurice. "You can get something like this in any joke shop in town."

"I see." Maurice's voice was hard. "I shall have to give you a more concrete example." He slipped the parchment back into his coat then held out his empty hand. It was suddenly filled with a bouquet of flowers. "Hold out your hand," he said to Penny. When she did, the flowers floated through the air from his hand to hers.

"Not a bad trick," Penny said in a bored tone. "Howard could probably a better one, though," she added. "I'm still not convinced."

Maurice's expression had grown cold as ice. "You wound me deeply, my dear. I have taken the time and effort to travel here to see you, and yet you do not believe me. I see that drastic measures are called for." Maurice rose from the couch. "Stand up."

"What for?" Penny asked, not moving.

"I see I shall have to prove to the two of you who and what I am," Maurice said. "Stand, both of you."

"What—what are you going to do —" Leonard began.

"_Stand_," Maurice ordered, stamping his cane on the floor. Outside, lightning flashed and thundered rumbled through the sky.

"Yes, sir." Both Leonard and Penny leapt to their feet. "Please don't hurt us," Leonard said quickly.

"I have no intention of hurting either of you," Maurice said, stiffly. He retrieved his top hat, putting on his gloves and setting the hat back on his head. "Now, if one of you would name some place far from here that you've visited."

"Well," Penny thought for a few moments. "Leonard had to go to Arizona to get his friend Sheldon a few weeks ago."

"Kingman, Arizona," Leonard amplified. "The police department. All of his things had been stolen."

"An interesting choice," Maurice said. "But I think we need someplace a bit more conspicuous. Let me think…" He considered a moment. "Ah! I have it! The Grand Canyon is just the ticket!"

"The ticket for —" Leonard asked, as Maurice stamped his cane on the floor.

"— what?" Leonard and Penny looked around. They were suddenly no longer in her apartment, but standing on a walkway overlooking—

The Grand Canyon.

"Whoa," Penny gasped, looking out over the Canyon, bathed in the reddish glow of the setting sun. "Leonard…" she pointed toward the canyon.

"Uh, oh… my," Leonard said, following her finger. "How—how'd we get here?" he asked Maurice.

"I brought us here with my powers," Maurice said, gesturing with his cane toward the Canyon view. "Now, smile and say, 'cheese,'" he said, holding up his hands in a framing gesture.

"Huh?" Leonard said. There was a flash and both he and Penny blinked stars out of their eyes. When they were able to focus again Maurice handed them a photo of them standing in front of the Grand Canyon. Penny was smiling but Leonard had a look of complete confusion on his face.

"Now do you believe me?" Maurice asked.

Penny stared at the picture. She turned around, comparing the view in the photo to the view behind them. They were the same. "I believe you," she said, convinced. "It seems impossible, but we're here. I can see the Grand Canyon. I can feel the sidewalk we're standing on. I don't know how, but we're here. This is amazing!" she said excitedly. "What else can you do?"

Maurice tapped his cane again and they were back in Penny's apartment.

"So why are you showing us all this?" Penny wanted to know.

"Well, think about it," Leonard said. There was an eager look in his eyes. "If Maurice here is your grandfather, and he's a warlock, then it's possible you're a witch!"

"Is that true?" Penny asked Maurice, who nodded and smiled. "Okay, so why haven't I ever been able to do any hocus-pocus stuff like you can?"

"I'm afraid your father's condition may have affected your magical ability," Maurice said, with serious concern. "Latent Magic Syndrome can be passed on, though it becomes more and more recessive in successive generations.

"When your father was tested for magic," Maurice continued, "His magical abilities were almost nonexistent. Our physician, Dr. Bombay, prescribed a potion that could have cured the condition, but alas, it did not work," he concluded sadly. "The Witches Council decreed that he would be removed from our realm, to live with mortals."

"That's terrible!" Leonard said, shocked.

"Indeed," Maurice agreed. "His mother chose to leave with him, to make sure he was raised properly in your primitive society. There was one side effect from the treatment, however. After Wyatt reached adulthood, he began to age much more slowly than other mortals. That is why, though he appears to be about 50 years of age to you, he is actually 142 years old."

"I wonder why Daddy never told us any of this?" Penny wondered. "That's not like him."

"He was too young to understand when he was taken away," Maurice explained. "However, when he turned 18, I paid him and his mother a visit, to make sure he knew about his warlock heritage."

"Really? What did he say?" Penny asked.

"He was … not happy about it," Maurice said. Unconsciously he touched his chin where the boy had used his fist to express his displeasure to his father.

"Now _that_ sounds like my dad," Penny nodded.

"I had Dr. Bombay examine him again, to see if adolescence had brought about any changes in his physiology that might change the nature of his disability," Maurice went on, "But his magic was still suppressed too deeply to be awakened. And it was years before he noticed he was aging more slowly than other mortals. He began moving to different parts of the country every 20 or 30 years, to keep from attracting attention, until he met your mother in Nebraska in the 1970s. Until then he had remained unmarried and childless, keeping the secret of his birth to himself. I do not even know if he has told his wife, your mother, about it."

"Yeah," Penny mused. "I doubt it. Mom always told us there was something wrong with him, but I'll bet she never guessed he was a failed wizard."

"Warlock," Maurice corrected her. "And he did not _fail_, my dear. The disabled cannot help their disabilities.

"However, after I discovered my son had married and had children," Maurice went on, "I took it upon myself to determine whether any of his progeny —"

"His what?" Penny interrupted.

"His children," Leonard supplied. "Progeny means children."

"Oh," Penny said. "Okay. Go on."

"—whether any of his progeny had any latent magical abilities of their own," Maurice said. "There has been much progress in the treatment of LMS in the past 150 years.

"Unfortunately, neither your brother nor your sister had any latent magical ability that could be awakened," Maurice said, sadly. "Thus, I have come at last to you, my dear Penny."

Penny sat back as she realized what Maurice was asking. "You—you want to test me for magical ability?" she said, shocked. She shook her head. "I—I don't know about that. I have to think."

Maurice looked at her in surprise. "What is there to think about?" he asked. "Having powers like ours would be of great benefit to you! You could go anywhere you wanted, do anything you wanted to do! You could be a world-renowned actress! Is that not something you have always desired?"

"Well, yes…" Penny admitted, slowly.

"I agree," Leonard interjected. "It's something you really need to think about," he said firmly, already imagining her leaving him the moment she realized she could have and do things he could never give to her.

"Leonard," she said, turning to him. "You know I love you," she said, smiling. "I know it took me a long time to say that, a very long time—"

"Very, _very_ long," Leonard added. "_Extremely_ long—"

"We get it," she cut him off sharply. Her voice softened again. "But I can say it now, and I will always be able to say it. I can't imagine being without you." She embraced him, and Leonard tried to stifle a small sniffle.

"How touching," Maurice said, though there was condescension in his voice. Why did the women in his family always have to get mixed up with mortals?

Penny and Leonard had finished their embrace and she was looking at Maurice again. "What happens if I say no?"

"No?" Maurice looked discomfited. "If you chose to remain a mortal, I would remove myself from your life forever. You would not even remember that I existed."

Penny had an unpleasant thought. "You said my brother and sister weren't magical—is that what you did to them, too?"

Maurice nodded. "They gave their permission for the test," he told her. "But they remember nothing now, not even that I ever spoke to them."

"That seems pretty crappy of you," Penny said, getting upset.

"Maybe it's for the best," Leonard added. "A lot of times in science fiction, when people find out they missed out on opportunities like that, it turns out really bad for—" he shut up when Penny glared at him. "But—those were just stories, I guess."

"And what about my father?" Penny went on, getting even more worked up. "Does _he_ know they were tested? Does he know you want to test _me_?"

"I have not talked to him yet," Maurice admitted. "I wanted to wait until all of your results were in before I gave him the news."

"Well I don't appreciate being treated like a guinea pig!" Penny said hotly. "You can't just come in here and tell me this stuff and expect me to just go along with anything you say!"

Maurice sighed. "My dear, you are overwrought." He put his top hat back on. "I will return tomorrow evening around—" he took a gold pocket watch from his vest "—eight p.m., to receive your final answer regarding the test. If you say yes, I will have Dr. Bombay administer the treatment and examine you to see if it is effective. If not, I will disappear and you will never see nor hear from me again." He took her hand gently in his and kissed her knuckles. "Until tomorrow, _au revoir_." Maurice vanished, and lightning and thunder crashed outside as a strong wind whirled inside the apartment, though all the windows were shut, leaving Leonard and Penny surprised and disheveled.

"Well, that's something you don't see every day," Leonard finally said.

"You don't think I was wrong, do you?" Penny asked, tossing her head so her hair settled down. "I mean, he was clearly out of line!"

"Of-of-of course," Leonard agreed, straightening his own hair. "_Clearly_."

Penny saw through that immediately. "You agree with him, then?"

"I'm just saying," Leonard said carefully. "People don't handle unexpected shocks like that very well. Remember the flashy pen-things in _Men in Black_?"

"Neuralyzers," Penny supplied.

"You remembered the name," Leonard beamed. "I'm impressed! They used them on people so they wouldn't be freaked out by learning that aliens walked the Earth."

"Yeah, I get it, Leonard," Penny said flatly. "So what do _you_ think? Do you think I should take the test or not?"

"Well…" Leonard rubbed his head, trying to figure out what to say that wouldn't piss Penny off. "I think that…"

He was interrupted by three loud _knocks_ on the door. "Leonard and Penny!" Sheldon's voice came excitedly through the door, repeated two more times as Penny walked to the door and opened it on the third "Leonard and Penny!"

"What is it, Sheldon?" Penny asked. Sheldon was wearing an air raid helmet and orange safety coordinator vest, and carrying a flashlight in one hand. In the other hand he held an air raid horn. He looked extremely upset.

"Are you two all right?" he asked anxiously. "I thought that sudden burst of lightning and thunder might have frightened you!"

"We're fine, Sheldon," Penny said.

"How are you doing, buddy?" Leonard asked, seeing how nervous Sheldon was. "Everything okay?"

Sheldon gave him an odd look. "Well of course I'm okay," he said. "How else would I be?"

"I just wondered, because of, you know, all the safety equipment you're wearing."

"Well I wouldn't be much of a safety coordinator for this floor if I wasn't dressed properly to do my job," Sheldon said, importantly, waving the flashlight and horn around as he spoke. "Really, Leonard, you have no idea of how much training goes into handling these things properly. This is the reason why we need to keep on having quarterly drills, so that you will know the proper protocols in case of—" His finger accidentally tightened on the air horn and it blasted a klaxon sound across Penny's apartment.

"Oh dear," Sheldon said, startled, and fainted.

"Well, so much for Mr. Storm Alert," Penny said, looking at Sheldon.

"Help me get him back into our apartment before he wakes up," Leonard said. "You take his feet," he said, pointing to Sheldon's legs.

"Why do I get this end?" Penny objected.

"Because this end bites," Leonard said, as they each grabbed a handful of Sheldon and dragged him out of the apartment.

=ooo=

_Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,  
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started—Wait!  
The Earth began to cool,  
The autotrophs began to drool,  
Neanderthals developed tools,  
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),  
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,  
That all started with the big bang!  
_\- Lyrics from the Big Bang Theory theme song

=ooo=

The next morning in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, Penny had come over to have a bagel before she left for her new job as a pharmaceutical representative at Bernadette's company. Her boss Dan was really helping her get acclimated to her new job responsibilities and training.

"Thanks," she said as Leonard handed her a toasted bagel covered in cream cheese. "So, we never finished talking about things last night. What do you think I should do?"

"Um, I don't know," Leonard said, pouring himself some coffee in a travel mug for his drive to Caltech. "I was actually kind of hoping I'd wake up this morning and it would all be a dream. Then I saw this." He held up the photo of him and Penny at the Grand Canyon. "What do you want to do?"

"I was thinking of talking to Amy and Bernadette about it at lunch," Penny mused.

"Oh. Um," Leonard paused, looking worried. "I don't know if that's a good idea," he said. "They might not believe you."

"But we've got this," Penny said, picking up the photo.

"That could be photoshopped," Leonard pointed out.

"Well, I've got to figure out _something_ before tonight!" Penny snapped.

"Ah, well—okay," Leonard said, thinking fast. "What about this: you talk to Bernadette and Amy today, but don't say anything about last night. Just present your question as a general hypothesis, like 'if you got superpowers, what would you do with them?'"

"Really?" Penny looked at him, unimpressed with his suggestion. "You think that's the sort of things we talk about when we're together?"

"Well I don't know," Leonard admitted. "Actually I try not to think too much about what you talk about. Anyway, I can ask the guys the same question, and after we get home we can compare notes." Leonard ran a hand nervously through his hair. "Then, if this Maurice shows up again, maybe you can come up with an answer for him." He looked askance at Penny. "I have to tell you, though, if it was my choice I'm pretty sure I know what _I'd_ do."

"Which is what?" Penny asked.

Before Leonard could answer, however, Sheldon walked into the living room and turned to him. "I just realized," he said. "You and Penny were having spaghetti last night and you didn't invite me!"

Leonard hung his head as if in shame. Actually, he was silently cheering that he'd guessed at least one of Sheldon's responses correctly. "Sorry, buddy," he said, looking up again. "But I forgot to buy hot dogs and I know how much you like spaghetti with them."

Sheldon sighed and walked over to the refrigerator, opening the freezer section and pulling out a frozen package of hot dogs. "I always keep a spare package in the freezer for just such emergencies," he said. "Next time all you need do is ask. And that's one more point on your record."

"Noted," Leonard sighed. One more point in the next six months and he'd have to take Sheldon's make-up class again. "Are you ready to go?"

Sheldon gestured to the tan and beige jacket he already had on. "Of course I'm ready. By the way, good morning Penny, and I'm disappointed you didn't invite me to dinner, either."

"Well, Leonard was cooking," Penny said, finishing off her bagel. "I thought it was his choice to invite you or not."

"A valid point," conceded Sheldon. "But as it was your apartment, I believe you should share equally in the blame. A point for you, too."

"Hey!" Penny said. "That's not fair! Now you're taking _two_ points instead of just one!"

"Again, a valid point," Sheldon said. "Alright, a half-point to each of you."

Penny turned to Leonard and smiled. "You're welcome," she said softly.

"What's this?" Sheldon suddenly asked, picking up the photo of Leonard and Penny from the kitchen island. He looked up, shock on his face. "When did you two go the Grand Canyon—without _me_?"

"Well, it's-a-um," Leonard stammered.

"It's just a photoshop," Penny interjected.

"Right," Leonard agreed, relieved. "Photoshopped."

"Oh," Sheldon said, studying the picture. "Nice work," he commented, dropping the picture back on the counter. "Well, are we going or not? Get the lead out, Leonard." He walked quickly to the door and out of the apartment.

Penny and Leonard walked to the door together. "Well," Penny said, patting him on the arm. "Good luck discussing that 'hypothesis' with Sheldon today," she said, smiling as she walked out ahead of him.

"Thanks," Leonard said, grabbing a key from the key bowl. "I wish _my_ superpower was the ability to ignore Sheldon."

=ooo=

"Superpowers?" Rajesh Koothrappali repeated, looking up from his salad in the Caltech cafeteria to stare at Leonard. "What kind of superpowers?"

"I don't know," Leonard said, trying to think of something close to what he'd seen from Maurice the previous evening. "Something like, say, Dr. Strange."

"Are you talking magic or just general omnipotence?" Howard Wolowitz asked. "There are lots of characters more powerful than Dr. Strange."

"Oh yeah?" Raj said challengingly. "Name three."

"Galactus, Odin, and Dormammu," Howard rattled off.

"First of all, Dormammu is not from our universe," Sheldon said. "He is lord of the Dark Dimension; that reality is separate from Earth. Odin is the same—he's from Asgard. And Galactus's power is cosmic, not magical."

"So what?" Howard said. "Leonard said superpowers, not magic powers."

"Why don't we stick with magic?" Leonard said, trying to keep things on track. "Let's say we're talking humans with magical powers. If you were Dr. Strange, the Sorcerer Supreme, what would you do with your powers?"

"That's simple," Howard said, grinning. "I'd turn Bernie into Clea and we'd kick Dormammu out and rule the Dark Dimension as their wise and benevolent king and queen."

"If I were Dr. Strange," Raj said, a dreamy expression coming over his face. "I would make sure everyone on Earth was pretty or handsome, and could eat as much food as they wanted and never gain weight."

Howard stared at him. "Really? Women would be falling all over you."

"I know," Raj nodded, smirking.

"Wrong," Sheldon said, pointing at Raj, "and wrong," he added, pointing at Howard. "If I had Dr. Strange's powers I would remove all technology from the planet, reverting the world to the Stone Age."

"Are you crazy?" Howard said, leaning forward to argue. "There are nearly seven billion people on Earth! Most of them would die if we went back to the Stone Age!"

"Not my problem," Sheldon said stonily. "People shouldn't be breeding like rabbits."

"I could turn everyone into rabbits," Raj said, smiling to himself. "I could be their king and use all the farm land in the world to grow lettuce for them. _If_ they worshipped me," he added, malevolently.

Leonard shook his head in despair. "I give up," he said. "It's impossible to have a rational argument with you people."

Sheldon turned to him. "For that you're banished to the Dark Dimension," he said. "_Poof_!" he added, making a magic gesture at his roommate. "See how you like living in a fractal pocket dimensional space-time."

Leonard just stared at Sheldon. "I don't care what your mother says," he muttered. "You're crazy."

=ooo=

_Meanwhile, in a restaurant not far from Caltech…_

"I'm not sure I understand the question," Bernadette said. "What kind of a superhero do you mean?"

"Sheldon says there are many kinds of superheroes," Amy put in, sipping on her glass of wine. "Ironically, he seems to like Batman a lot, and Batman doesn't have any powers at all. So I share in Bernadette's confusion."

"Okay, fine," Penny sat back, beginning to wonder why she'd said anything at all. But she'd already got this ball rolling, so— "What if you could do anything you wanted, no matter how … I don't know … _weird_ it was."

Amy set down her glass of wine. "You remember that movie _Frozen_?" she asked. "Sheldon and I watched it on one of our date nights, and I thought it was really cool that Princess Elsa could make anything she wanted out of ice. Although, now that I say it out loud it strikes me as humorous that meant cool in the sense of 'hip' or 'with it' rather than the sense of 'cold.' If I could do anything I wanted I would make all of Pasadena into one big ice city and I could wear my tiara and an ice blue princess gown and glide around the city being its princess."

"Uh huh," Bernadette was sipping from her own wine glass. "I know my bosses at Zangen Pharmaceuticals wouldn't like this, but I'd make everyone immune to all diseases."

"Aww," Penny smiled, sipping her drink. "That's so nice."

"I'd probably be out of a job," Bernadette said, with a slight shrug. "But it would be worth it. And I could still do whatever I wanted, so I'd make myself rich. And taller." She looked at Penny. "What would _you_ do, Penny?"

"You wouldn't have to do anything," Amy confided. "The world is perfect enough with you in it."

"No it's not," Bernadette insisted. "Not even for closet lesbians," she said pointedly to Amy, who looked surprised. "So what would you do?" she asked again.

"I'm not sure," Penny said truthfully. "I keep wondering if I'd make myself the most famous actress in the world, or just be the best wife I could be."

"Why can't you be both?" Bernadette asked with a smile. "After all, you can do anything you want, right?"

"Yeah," Penny nodded, thinking about that. "But would I want to once I could, I keep asking myself."

"Only you know that for sure," Bernadette said. "But I think you would."

Penny smiled at her. "Thanks," she said, emotionally. "It's really nice of you to say that."

Beside her, Amy nodded. "I'm not a closet lesbian, by the way," she announced. She pointed warningly at Bernadette. "And don't ever say that in front of Sheldon."

=ooo=

Several hours later, after an early dinner of take-out Thai food suggested by Sheldon (as it was Anything-Can-Happen Thursday and he said thinking about superheroes worked up his appetite) Penny and Leonard sat in her apartment letting their meals settle, both thinking furiously who would return to their apartment in less than 15 minutes for the answer to the question he had not quite asked yesterday.

_ Did Penny want to become a witch, or not?_

Leonard was looking particularly thoughtful, Penny decided. "Penny for your thoughts," she said, smiling at the irony of that statement.

Leonard didn't smile back, however. "I-I-I don't know," he muttered. "This is a big step. I mean, assuming Maurice even shows up. But of _course_ he's going to show up—this pretty much proves that!" He held up the photo of him and Penny at the Grand Canyon.

"Sweetie," Penny said patiently. "It's okay. Look, I don't know what I'm going to say. I mean, I think I know now but I could change my mind at the last second. With me, you never know. I mean, look at all the times I said no when you proposed to me. But you kept asking and asking, and in the final analysis, I do want to marry you, you big pop tart."

Leonard did smile then, and held out his hand toward her. She took it, smiling, and moved closer to him. "So what kind of pop tart am I?" he asked, teasingly. "Am I cherry? Or strawberry? Personally, I think I'm a strawberry." She stuck out her tongue at him.

"Oh, so I'm a raspberry," Leonard said, chuckling. He leaned toward her, lips pursed for a kiss.

"You're my special little raspberry," Penny said, closing her eyes and leaning forward to kiss him back. As their lips nearly touched something changed, and Penny opened her eyes, finding a pop tart in her hand with her lips pressed against it. Of Leonard there was no sign.

"Leonard," she said, looking around. What kind of joke was this? "What's going on?" she asked out loud, trying to figure out where he was. "Where'd you go, sweetie?" she said, wondering where he could have disappeared to so quickly.

She regarded the pop tart in her hand. It smelled good, and she was still a little bit hungry; the Thai food had been good but she hadn't eaten a lot of it. She shrugged and brought the pop tart back to her mouth, to take a bite of it and see what flavor it was—

She stopped just before she bit down. What if this is a _Leonard_-flavored pop tart, she thought with horror. Had Maurice somehow given her magic already? Could she have done this accidentally? She quickly set the pop tart on the cushion next to her, staring at it. "Leonard?" she asked the pop tart, wondering if she should expect a reply. How would a pop tart speak, exactly?

Maybe she could change it back. How was that going to work, exactly? She'd been thinking, weirdly, of Leonard being her special raspberry pop tart. Maybe she could reverse that and think him back to being Leonard. She put her fingers to her temples, squeezed her eyes shut and thought real hard, muttering, "Okay, Leonard, turn back into yourself." After a few seconds she opened one eye. Nope, the pop tart was still a pop tart.

There was a sudden loud _whoomp_ and a large puff of white smoke billowed out of the floor, leaving Maurice standing next to the couch, still dressed in the suit, cape and top hat he'd been wearing yesterday. "Sorry I'm late, my dear," he said, bowing toward her, then noticed the pop tart on the couch. "Oh. Have I interrupted your dinner?"

Penny pointed nervously at the pop tart. "I think—" she swallowed and tried again. "I think I did something to Leonard."

Maurice looked at the pop tart. "Is this Leonard?"

"I don't know!" Penny cried. "We were about to kiss and suddenly I was holding that in my hand and—" she began waving her hands about wildly "—and then I don't _know_ what happened!" she wailed, breaking down into tears.

"Interesting," Maurice pondered, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Could your powers have spontaneously emerged due to stress or emotion?" He picked up the pop tart, staring carefully at it. "Well," he said with a shrug. "There's only one way to find out." He took a bite out of the pop tart.

"OH MY GOD!" Penny shrieked, leaping to her feet, her eyes wide with horror. "You ATE him!"

"Not to worry, my dear," Maurice said, smiling broadly. He showed her the fruit filling inside the pop tart. "This is cherry, you see." There was a knock on the door.

Penny was still staring at him in absolute horror. "Don't you think you should get the door?" Maurice said blandly, taking another bite of the pop tart.

Slowly, still trying to process what had just happened, Penny moved to the door and opened it. Leonard was standing there, looking confused. "Oh my God, Leonard, it's you!" Penny cried, hugging him tightly then kissing him hard on the mouth for several seconds.

"Thank you," Leonard said, after the kiss. "But how did I get out here?" Penny whirled to face Maurice, who was still smiling broadly. There was an expression of fury on her face.

"_You_ did that, didn't you?" Penny strode over to stand in front of the warlock, who was chuckling at his own joke. "That was a really crappy thing to do!" she snapped, pointing a finger in his face.

"I'm sorry, my dear," Maurice said, still chuckling. "I'm afraid I could not resist a small joke to lighten the mood before my arrival."

"_Lighten the mood_?" Penny exploded. "Is that what you think is _funny_?! My God, is that what you people are like, scaring people half to death thinking someone's been turned into a pop tart?!"

"Who was turned into a pop tart?" Leonard asked from the doorway.

"You were!" Penny snapped at him. "Or I thought you were! Get in here!" she demanded. Leonard quickly stepped inside the apartment. "And shut the door!" Penny said. "I'm not done yelling at Grampa Munster here!" Leonard shut the apartment door and stood beside Penny, trying to catch up on what had happened.

"My dear, it was just a simple prank," Maurice explained, trying to calm her down. "I meant no disrespect to you or your betrothed."

"I don't care!" Penny said loudly. "It was a horrible thing to do! How was I to know that pop tart wasn't Leonard! If that's the kind of stuff you think is funny, you can just count me _out_ of this whole witch business!"

Maurice sighed. "Penny, I am truly sorry for scaring you like that. We warlocks sometimes forget that mortals are not used to the type of jokes we sometimes play on one another. I should have realized this was a difficult decision for you to make, and I should have treated it more seriously than I did. Can you find it in your heart to forgive an old thespian for playing a thoughtless prank on his own granddaughter?"

Penny stared at him for several seconds, the hard expression on her face slowly melting away. "I suppose so," she said, nodding. "It _was_ pretty funny, now that I think about it."

"That's the spirit!" Maurice said, enthused by her response.

"What happened?" Leonard asked, still unsure what had gone on in his absence.

"Shhh, sweetie," Penny shushed him. "I'll tell you later."

"Now, as to the matter at hand," Maurice continued. "What have you decided to do about your powers?"

"Well, we each talked to our friends about what I could do if I had these powers," Penny explained. "Leonard's friends wanted to remake the world according to how they thought it should be."

Leonard nodded agreement with that assessment. "They wanted to turn everybody into rabbits, or take away all of the technology—stuff like that. It was pretty depressing," he added, unhappily.

"But rather predictable, from a mortal perspective," Maurice said. "Most mortals don't seem to understand that with great power comes great responsibility."

Leonard nodded. "Well, Stan Lee did, actually," he pointed out. "He wrote something like that a long time ago."

Maurice chuckled. "Ah, yes," he nodded. "Cousin Stanley," he said. "He always did enjoy writing in those amusing picture books," he said. "I shall have to pay him a visit one of these days." Leonard looked astonished, then delighted at Maurice's words.

"Okay, well," Penny went on, not really understanding (or caring) what her fiancé or her grandfather had just said. "I also talked to my friends, and they thought there was a lot of good I could do with powers like that. I mean, both for myself and for others," she explained.

"And finally," Penny concluded. "There's Leonard." She looked directly at him. "I know you're afraid that I'll leave you if I get these powers," she said. Leonard nodded, looking away from her. "I wondered about that myself, sweetie. But I don't think anything could happen to me to make me forget everything you've done for me, and I love you so much for that," she smiled, her eyes bright. "We'll always be together, no matter what happens," she said, taking his face in her hands and kissing him.

She then turned to face Maurice. "My answer," she said, "is yes, I'll take the test."

"Splendid!" Maurice beamed happily. "I forewarned our family physician to be prepared," he said. Looking upward, he said loudly, "Dr. Bombay! Front and center, old boy!"

A tall, stout man appeared next to Maurice, dressed in what looked like a cat costume. "Oh, dear!" he said, annoyed. "I thought you meant tomorrow night, Maurice old chap! Tonight my nurse and I are having a little game of cat and mouse. Ha!"

"Pull yourself together, Bombay," Maurice said sternly. "My granddaughter here has decided to be tested for magic."

"Ah well," Bombay sighed, resigned. "Sorry, darling," he said to the ceiling. "Duty calls." He whirled his right finger and instantly changed into a doctor's white coat, with a stethoscope around his neck and a head mirror on his forehead. His other hand now held a black doctor's bag.

"Now, my dear—" he caught sight of Penny for the first time. "My word!" he said, looking at Maurice. "_This_ is your granddaughter? I thought you were referring to Tabitha!"

"Of course not!" Maurice snapped, annoyed. "We've known Tabitha was a witch for decades now! This is my son Wyatt's daughter, Penny."

"Ah, I see!" Bombay looked Penny up and down. "Latent Magic Syndrome?" he said to Maurice, who nodded impatiently. "Well, let's have a look, shall we?" he said briskly, setting his bag on the back of the couch and taking out a device that appeared to be an oversized magnifying glass."

"What-what's he going to do?" Leonard asked nervously, seeing the magnifying glass. He couldn't imagine how that was going to help figure out if Penny was a witch or not.

"Don't worry, lad," Bombay said brightly. "I've been at this for centuries, I think I've got the hang of it by now." He pushed a button on the magnifying glass and it instantly split into three parts—a round glass, a square one, and a triangular one, all in line with one another. Leaning closer to Penny, he began examining her carefully, getting so close that Penny began to lean back.

"Right," he said, putting away the glass. He put his ear against Penny's chest. "Cough, please," he said, and Penny coughed once. "Again, please," Bombay said, and Penny coughed a second time. "Very good," Bombay said, straightening up.

"Was that part of the examination?" Penny asked.

"Not really," Bombay said. "I just wanted to see how well they bounced. Ha!" he barked a laugh. Leonard shook his head incredulously.

"Bombay! That's my granddaughter!" Maurice said dangerously. "Ears off her chest!"

"Sorry, old boy," Bombay harrumphed. "Just a little medical humor there, to lighten the mood. The test was inconclusive, I'm sorry to say. The treatment might be effective, it might not. The only way to find out is to give it to her and see what happens."

Maurice placed a comforting hand on Penny's shoulder. "Are you willing to try, my dear?" he asked her.

Penny looked at Leonard, who nodded encouragingly. "I am," she said. "What have I got to lose?"

"Quite a bit, actually," Dr. Bombay said plaintively. "The treatment could make you quite ill, if your body rejects it. You could die, in fact."

Leonard looked worried. "I don't know if this is a good idea anymore," he said. "I don't know if I want you taking a chance like that."

But Penny looked determined. "I think I need to go through with this, Leonard," she said firmly. "I've been playing things safe for a long time now. I need to take a chance now that I'm so close to having something different in my life." She nodded at Dr. Bombay. "Give me the treatment."

"As you wish." Bombay reached into his bag and brought out a small potion bottle, handing it to her. "Drink this down," he said. "I'll be standing by to check you."

Penny stared at the bottle in her hand a long time. Leonard watched her anxiously, wondering whether she would decide to go through with it or not. "Whatever you decide, Penny," he said at last. "I'll be here for you."

"I know," she nodded, then smiled. "I'm starting to sound like Sheldon already." Leonard chuckled at her joke in spite of the seriousness of the moment.

"My dear," Maurice told her. "I won't think less of you if you decide not to go through with it. I would rather have a live mortal than a dead witch for a granddaughter."

"Okay," she said at last, making up her mind. "Here goes." She popped the top off the bottle and tipped it back, swallowing the contents. "Yuck," she said, making a face. "That tasted awful!" The bottle suddenly slipped through her fingers, dropping to the floor. She sat down on the couch, holding her stomach. "I feel weird," she said, putting her hand on her forehead.

"What's happening?" Leonard demanded, upset by her reaction.

"It may be working," Bombay said, watching her carefully. "Wait—"

Penny gasped in pain and clutched her stomach, falling on her side on the couch and curling up in a fetal position. "It's not working!" Leonard shouted.

"What's happening, Bombay?!" Maurice demanded of the witch doctor.

"I can't tell!" Bombay cried. "I've never seen this reaction before!"

"Oooh! Oww!" Penny was groaning on the couch. "Oh my god it hurts!"

"Do something!" Leonard said loudly. "Help her!"

"I may need to take her to my clinic," Bombay said, grabbing his doctor bag. "Hang on, everyone!" He raised his arm to begin the gesture to transport them all to his office, when the couch Penny was lying on suddenly bounced into the air.

"Wait!" Maurice said. "Look!"

A chorus of voices coming from everywhere in the room was rising in volume. Other pieces of furniture in the apartment were beginning to move as well. The living room chair did a somersault. The barstools under the counter were dancing around on their four legs. The dining room table and chairs had floated into air and were spinning around and around. Pictures on the walls were swinging back and forth or spinning around in place. The window curtains were flying open and closed, as were the windows themselves. The entire room seemed alive and spinning around in sheer delight.

"Are you doing this?" Leonard shouted at Maurice over the chorus and the dancing furniture.

"No!" Maurice shouted back. "She is!"

The chorus reached a crescendo that filled the room with sound, then abruptly stopped. The tables, chairs and couch all dropped to the floor. Leonard sat down next to Penny, reaching over and holding her upright as her eyes fluttered open. She looked at Leonard. "What happened?" she asked him.

"How do you feel?" he asked her anxiously.

"Fine, I guess," she said, looking around. "How did everything get so messed up?"

"It worked," Leonard said, hugging her tightly. "I think it really worked!"

"Oh, good," she said, feeling suddenly tired. When Leonard let go of her, she looked down at her hands. "Okay, so how can I tell?"

"Just a moment," Dr. Bombay said. He reached into his bag and took out a silver tuning fork. He put his hand out toward Penny. "Give me your left leg, please."

Penny frowned, looking warily at the witch doctor. Bombay looked impatient. "Don't worry, my dear, I'll give it right back," he told her. Slowly, she lifted her leg up so he could take hold of it.

Bombay grasped her leg, then looked around for something to strike the tuning fork against. He finally settled for Leonard's head. "Ow," Leonard said as the doctor tapped the fork on his crown, producing a high, clear C above middle A. Bombay touched the fork to Penny's left knee. The sound immediately morphed into a strange harmony of different tones, increasing and lowering in pitch. "Uh huh," Bombay murmured. "Hmmm. Quite interesting." He took the fork away and let go of Penny's leg.

"The treatment was a success," he announced. "You are now a witch," he said to her.

"Wonderful!" Maurice said, as Penny and Leonard hugged each other. "Smashing job, old fellow!" he said, clapping Dr. Bombay on the shoulder.

"Remember you said that when you get my bill," Bombay said. "Ha-ha! Well, I must be off," he said, and with a gesture returned to his cat costume. "I have some catting about to do with my nurse. Ha-ha! By the way, my dear," he said to Penny. "If you ever need work as a doctor's assistant, look me up. I think you'd be purr-fect for the job. Ha!" With a final gesture he disappeared.

That left only Maurice, who was beaming proudly at Penny. "My dear, I am so happy for you," he said delightedly. "And now, a present to celebrate this moment."

Maurice held out his hands in front of him. A large, leather-bound book appeared in his hands, with the words

_**The Book of Magic**_

engraved into the leather of the book's cover.

"This will help you get started learning about your new powers and the spells you can cast," he said, presenting it to her. "If you have any questions, feel free to call upon me. I, or someone in our family will come to your aid.

"Naturally," he added. "You should not tell any mortals about your new powers. They tend to become upset and unpredictable when confronted with magic." Maurice shook his head wearily. "Believe me, you have _no idea_ how much."

"You mean I can't tell anyone about this?" Penny looked disappointed. "But Leonard knows!"

"You and Leonard are to be married," Maurice said gently. "He would have learned about it in time, anyway. We weren't always so understanding about these matters where mortals were concerned. When my daughter married a mortal, my wife Endora and I were absolutely livid, her especially so. She tried for _years_ to break them up. In the end, however, it all worked out for the best."

"Oh, so they stayed together, then?" Leonard asked hopefully.

"More or less," Maurice smiled enigmatically. "Ah well, then

Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow,  
That I shall say good night till it be morrow."

And with those words he vanished.

Leonard looked at Penny. "I think Juliet said those lines, not Romeo," he told her.

"_I heard that_," Maurice's voice came through the air.

"Sorry, sorry," Leonard said, holding up his hands.

"_That's better_," Maurice's voice said. "_Pip pip, and all that rot_."

Penny had sat down on the couch and was leafing through the pages of the book. "Wow. This stuff looks more complicated than my pharmaceutical training manuals."

Leonard sat down next to her, looking at the spells as she flipped through the pages. "It looks like there's some amazing stuff in there," he said, very impressed. "I'm glad everything worked out the way you wanted it, Penny," he said, slipping his arm around her.

"I am too," she said, smiling. "It's just too bad I can't tell anyone about this except you."

"I'm a good listener," Leonard said, puffing himself up a bit. "If you need help with anything in that book, you just let me know," he said, importantly.

"All right, you," she said, putting her arm around his waist and leaning forward to give him a quick kiss. "It's a deal. I just hope you're good at reading Sumerian." She pointed to some markings on one of the pages.

"Ah, hmm," Leonard said, realizing he'd spoken too quickly. "Well, my cuneiform is a little rusty."

Penny laughed and kissed him again. This was going to be very interesting indeed!

=ooo=

**A/N: This is the first Big Bang Theory / Bewitched crossover story at fanfiction dot net. I originally thought about a BBT / Harry Potter crossover; one of the chapters in my story "Harry Potter Versus" has a Harry Potter vs. Sheldon Cooper chapter. As I thought about the Big Bang Theory crossover more, I decided I wanted the magic to be a little different from Harry Potter. At some point I realized that the magic was going to be a lot closer to Bewitched's style of magic than Harry Potter's, so I altered the crossover to use Bewitched instead. I don't have to move the Bewitched storyline forward or the Big Bang Theory backward for them to mesh, since the witch and warlock characters of Bewitched are so long-lived. **

**There are also a considerable number of characters to choose from both sides of the crossover. I've already introduced a lot of names from the Bewitched side, with Maurice and Dr. Bombay appearing in this "episode." Endora, Tabitha, and Dr. Bombay's unnamed nurse were also mentioned in this chapter, as well as Wyatt, Penny's father and Elvira, his witch mother. We may see more of these characters in upcoming chapters. **

**The advantage of this crossover is in the open-ended format of such a series. The Big Bang Theory has started its 8****th**** season, with two more seasons planned, so it will run through at least 2017. I have the outlines for at least 10 more episodes written down, but Bewitched and BBT characters both suggest quite a few ideas that can be expanded on. I hope to see reviews for this chapter suggesting ideas that you readers would like to see.**

**Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy!**

**John**


	2. The Friendship Isolation

**.**

**Episode Two  
****The Friendship Isolation**

_Published_ 11/5/2014

"I must say, Leonard," Sheldon remarked as he, Raj and Howard set up the board for another game of Life: Mystic Warlords of Ka'a edition. "Normally, I find the games you purchase boring, derivative or lackluster. Much like your research. But this one has turned out to be quite interesting."

Leonard sighed and smiled patiently, ignoring the condescension as much as possible. "Always nice to get a compliment from you, Sheldon."

"It _is_ really interesting," Raj concurred. "Much more so than Klingon Bridge or that Vanilla Ice Rap game."

"You didn't like it because I was better at it than you," Leonard complained.

"Because rhyming stupid lyrics to a stolen 'Killer Queen' beat is something no one else on the planet can do like you," Howard said sarcastically, then went into an imitation of Leonard rapping Vanilla Ice lyrics to a _Queen_ beat

"If there was a problem, Yo — I'll solve it!  
Check out the hook while DJ revolves it.  
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go!"

"Nice!" Raj said admiringly. "Howard's in the groove, dude!" Howard, who'd done it to mock Leonard, just stared at him, then went back to setting up the bank.

"Hey," Raj said. "How come you always get to be the banker?"

Howard smirked at him. "Well, is anyone else here Jewish?"

"Howard, you know that's racist," Leonard said, shuffling the Ka'a deck. "Let Raj be the banker if he wants to."

"Oh, all right," Howard conceded, handing the gold cards to Raj. "But just remember who to come to if you need a ruby dagger or sword of sharpness below retail."

"I'll begin," Sheldon said, placing his chariot on the Start Career space. He drew a Career card from the deck. "Oh drat," he said, disappointed. "I got the Priest card again. I got that one last time. Do-over, do-over!"

"Sheldon," Leonard pointed out. "You got Priest card last time _because_ you called a do-over. And you were _happy_ with it that time! Just keep it and draw a Loot card."

"All right," Sheldon muttered, disgruntled. "But I warn you, I'm beginning to rethink my opinion of you regarding this game." He drew a Loot card and a smile came over his face. "Five thousand," he said, putting the cards down in front of him. "I believe that's the highest Loot card in the deck."

"Congratulations, Sheldon," Howard said, mocking him. "You're a regular Croseus."

Raj's turn was next. He drew a Career card. "Oh, no!" he moaned. "I got the Water Sprite! The Water Sprite sucks! The Water Sprite is like the Aquaman of Mystic Warlords of Ka'a!"

"Look on the bright side, Raj," Leonard suggested.

"What bright side?" Raj muttered, annoyed.

"At least you didn't get the Enchanted Bunny."

"I'd rather be a bunny than a stupid water sprite," Raj grumbled. He drew a Loot card. His whole demeanor changed. "Oh, look! I got the IRS card! Nice!" The IRS card allowed the player holding it to collect half of each of the other player's gold when they landed on a Collect Loot space.

"Your turn, Leonard," Howard said.

"Okay," Leonard said, reaching for a career card. His phone beeped. "Uh-oh—hang on," he said, taking it out and reading the text message he'd just gotten. "Hmm," he said. "Penny's got a question about her, um, training manual."

Howard slumped in defeat. "Oh, come on! Can't we for once just have an evening together without your fiancée calling you over for a quickie on the pretext of—" he made air quotes as he said, "—'training?' What are you two training for—the Kama Sutra Olympics. Or maybe that would have been you and Priya…"

"Don't bring my sister into this!" Raj protested. "It's bad enough Leonard defiled her!"

"You mean the way you're currently defiling Emily?" Howard smiled.

"Our love is a wonderful, beautiful thing," Raj insisted.

"So is your Celestron telescope but I'll bet you don't want to kiss that," Howard snarked.

"Come on, Howard, lay off," Leonard said, putting his phone away and standing. "I better go over and see what she needs. This is Penny's first real job and she wants to be good at it."

"Right," Howard said, with a snarky grin. "Spending all day wearing low-cut blouses and flirting with handsome, sexy doctors? I'll bet she knocks 'em dead."

"Sorry, guys," Leonard said, walking to the apartment door. "I'll be back as soon as I can." He left the apartment, but leaned back inside a moment later. "Um, don't wait up for me," he said, and disappeared again.

"Well," Sheldon shrugged. "That's it for the Game of Life: Mystic Warlords of Ka'a Edition for tonight, I'm afraid."

"We can still play without Leonard," Howard pointed out.

"I'm afraid not," Sheldon disagreed. "It's Leonard's game, and he did not grant us permission to play in his absence."

"Oh, come on, Sheldon!" Raj exclaimed. "Leonard won't mind! Besides, since he hadn't picked any cards yet, technically he wasn't a player when he left the apartment, but was implicitly giving _us_ permission to play the game while he watched. We should at least be able to finish this game. For him," Raj added, respectfully.

Sheldon looked thoughtful for several seconds. "I suppose," he said at length. "It will give me a chance to beat you twice in a row. That'll be fun."

"It's always fun losing to you, Sheldon," Howard said. "You always make it an experience to remember."

Sheldon turned a condescending eye toward him. "I do believe that's sarcasm, Howard. But I'm so looking forward to mopping the floor with you and Raj that I believe I can ignore it this time."

-=o=-

Penny looked up as Leonard opened her door and leaned inside. "Hi, come on in!" she said excitedly, motioning for him to join her.

"What's up?" Leonard asked, sitting beside her. The book she was holding was not one of her pharmaceutical manuals, but the book her grandfather Maurice had given her almost a week earlier, when Penny became a witch.

"I think I'm starting to get the hang of this stuff," Penny said eagerly. "I've been reading up on some simple witchcraft abilities and doing some practicing. Watch!" She nodded at an empty wine glass sitting on the coffee table. Next to it was a bottle of white wine. Penny made a pouring motion with her hand. The wine bottle lifted in the air, tipped and poured wine into the glass, then settled back onto the coffee table. Penny pointed at the wine glass and it lifted into the air and floated over to Leonard, who reached out and took it gingerly.

"That's amazing!" Leonard said, impressed.

"I know!" Penny agreed. "I can't believe all of the stuff I can do now!"

"Yes," Leonard nodded. Then, "Like-like what stuff, exactly?"

Penny grinned. "Watch this," she said, then gestured at herself. She had been wearing pink sweats and a white tank top. Suddenly she was dressed in a black, low-cut cocktail dress. "How about a night on the town, sailor?" she said in a husky voice.

"Um," Leonard said, not sure how to respond. "That's…amazing…" he said, a little more uncertainly this time. This wasn't quite what he'd expected when they'd found out Penny was going to learn magic.

Penny seemed to sense his anxiety. "We don't have to go out," she said quickly. "How about a nice dinner?" She gestured at the coffee table. A bowl of spaghetti covered in steaming marinara sauce appeared in front of them. "Voilà! Spaghetti! Oh wait! I forgot the hot dogs!" she said, then snapped her fingers over the bowl. Pieces of cut-up wieners appeared with the spaghetti.

Leonard reached out and picked up a piece of wiener. It was hot and covered in marinara. He took a bite of it. It tasted delicious. But —

"You can just make food out of — nothing?" he asked, looking at her. "I thought that was impossible."

"No, no," she said with a casual shrug. "I think you told me they couldn't do that in the Harry Potter stories, but that's just made-up magic. This is real."

"Yeah," Leonard said. "Wow…"

"What's the matter?" Penny asked. Leonard didn't seem very happy with what she'd been able to accomplish in just a few days. "Don't you think this is _cool_?"

"Of _course_ I think it's cool," Leonard said quickly, not wanting to appear unsupportive. "It's just a bit—overwhelming, I guess." She gave him an inquiring look. "Well, I-I-I mean, it's just, a week ago you were worried about working at your new job being a pharmaceutical rep. But you've this book now, and—"

"And now _what_?" Penny was giving him a dark look. "I'm still going through the training manuals, Leonard," she said, pointing at her stack of training manuals at the other end of the sofa. "In fact, I've already reading them."

Leonard did a double take. "You read all of _those_?" He asked, pointing at the manuals. It was pretty big stack.

"Yeah," Penny said, carelessly. "It was no big deal."

Leonard shook his head doubtfully. "Penny, I've seen you take a week to read an article in _Cosmopolitan_."

"You don't believe me?" Penny snapped. "Okay, listen to this: 'the mechanism of action of sildenafil involves the protection of cyclic guanosine monophosphate from degradation by cGMP-specific phosphodiesterase type 5 in the corpus cavernosum,'" She recited, gave him a challenging look. "How about _that_?"

"Do you even know what that means?" Leonard asked her. "Because I'm not sure_ I_ do!"

"It means, Viagra makes your penis hard," Penny said.

"Okay, I get it," Leonard said, giving in. "You've been able to learn magic _and_ work on your new job. I guess I'm just not sure where we go from here."

"I don't know either," Penny said, throwing up her hands. "It's not like I _expected_ my warlock grandfather to show up out of nowhere and turn me into a witch! I'm just trying to do the best I can with what I've got. Although I have to admit," she added candidly, "things are a hell of a lot better now than when I was working at the Cheesecake Factory. I have a job, a new company car, I'm making money…" she smiled happily.

"And you have a fiancé," Leonard added, after a second.

"That, too!" she quickly agreed. Leonard sighed. "Oh come _on_, Leonard!" she said, exasperated. "What do you want me to say? I'm happy to have you in my life, too!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Leonard apologized.

Penny shook her head. "This would be a lot easier if I could just talk to Amy or Bernadette about it."

"Maybe," Leonard agreed. "But Maurice warned you not to do that."

"I _know_," she moaned. "It's so unfair! They know so much more about stuff than I do!"

"I suppose," Leonard said. He eyed the stack of training manuals that Penny had read in the space of a few days. "That could change, though…

"Just be careful," he suggested, seriously. He pointed at The Book of Magic. "You need to take things a little more slowly. Don't be afraid to walk before you run."

"All right, Leonard," Penny said, and smiled. "I almost forgot how smart _you_ were." She leaned forward and kissed him. "Now, are you ready for some dinner?"

"Sure," Leonard smiled too, then glanced at the bowl of spaghetti. "Can I make a suggestion about what to have?"

"Sure," Penny said. "What do you want? Thai? A steak? A no-cheese pizza?"

"Well, I was actually thinking about some fried chicken and a salad," Leonard said. "You know, like—like Sheldon's mom makes?"

"Okay," Penny said. She gestured at the bowl of spaghetti, which disappeared, then was replaced by a plate of fried chicken and a bowl of lettuce, chopped onions and carrots. "There you go!"

"It smells delicious," Leonard said, beaming as he inhaled the aroma of the chicken. "I could get used to this witch thing."

-=o=-

Amy waved, attracting Penny's attention as she entered the restaurant where they usually met for lunch once a week or so. "Bernadette didn't come with you?" she asked, as Penny sat down across from her.

"Too busy, she said," Penny told her.

"That's okay, bestie," Amy said, with her usual quirky smile. "We let her come along often enough, we don't have to throw her that bone every time."

"Right, right," Penny said, smiling at Amy's attitude. Amy always considered Bernadette the "odd girl out" in their little social circle, even though Penny had known her for some time before Amy met either of them. "So how are things going at the university?"

"Well," Amy said, "you see one rat brain under a microscope, you've seen them all, so…" she gave a plaintive shrug. "How's the new job?"

"Fine," Penny said in turn. "I'm still in training this week, so there's not much to tell."

"How's reading the training manuals coming along?" Amy asked.

"Oh, I finished them a couple of days ago," Penny said without thinking.

"Really?" Amy looked surprised. "All four of them? Wow, you must've really burned the midnight oil to do that. Must not have left much time for any hanky-panky with Leonard," she said with a smirk.

"Oh, well…" Penny shrugged off the comment. "I guess—um, can someone take our drink orders here?" she asked, looking around for a server.

-=o=-

Later, after their drinks had arrived and their orders taken, Penny was feeling more relaxed with a little wine in her. "Do you have any regrets giving up your acting career?" Amy asked, sipping on her glass of ice water.

"I'm not sure I've really given it up," Penny said, thoughtfully. "I mean, it's on hold now, but that doesn't mean I couldn't try it again someday."

"Really?" Amy's expression was skeptical. "How long were you an actress?"

Penny thought for a moment. "About ten years," she said.

"And how many acting jobs did you get during that time?"

"Well," Penny cleared her throat; she didn't exactly care for questions like this, they pointed out her overall failure to achieve anything spectacular, acting-wise. "Let's see. I did a one-night showcase of the musical _Rent_," she said, holding up a finger. "And that hemorrhoid commercial. I played Blanche in my acting class's production of _A Streetcar Named Desire_."

"I thought you did very well in that," Amy said, sincerely.

"Thanks," Penny smiled. She stared at Amy a long moment. It was true she'd been warned not to tell anyone except Leonard about her magic, but she was positively _bursting_ to let someone else in on the secret. Amy had been her "bestie" for a few years now. It wasn't like they were _engaged_ or anything, of course, but … given Amy's rather weird (and a bit creepy) fascination with her, maybe, just maybe, it would be okay. "Listen, there's something I want to tell you."

"What is it?" Amy asked, interested.

"But you have to _promise_ not to tell anyone," Penny went on, warningly. "And I mean _nobody_. Not even Sheldon."

"Not even Sheldon?" Amy sat up straighter. "This sounds intriguing. Why not Sheldon? Aren't boyfriends and girlfriends normally considered exempt from the constraints of secret-telling?"

"Not in this case," Penny said firmly. "I really mean it. You know Sheldon can't keep a secret, and this is really, really important? Promise?"

"I promise," Amy nodded in agreement.

Penny held up her hand, little finger extended. "Pinky swear?"

"A pinky swear?" Amy looked awestruck. "This must really be some secret," she breathed. She held up her own hand and they crossed fingers and shook. "Okay, give it," she whispered, leaning forward eagerly. "You're about to confess your secret love for me?"

"_What_?" Penny exclaimed, not sure she'd heard correctly.

"Never mind," Amy said quickly. "What is it?"

Penny leaned forward as well. "I'm a witch," she whispered.

"A what?" Amy shook her head, not understanding. What did Penny mean?

"A witch," Penny repeated. "I'm a witch. I can do magic."

Amy sat back, looking confused. "I don't understand."

"I'm a witch," Penny said again. "A real, spell casting, witch. I found out about a week ago. My dad's father came to me and told me that I'm a witch, but that my powers had never developed because I had something called Latent Magic Syndrome. He and a witch doctor named Dr. Bombay examined me and gave me a potion that gave me magical powers. I've been practicing with them for the past week."

Amy sat stock-still for several seconds. Then she reached for her purse. "I'm not sure what this is about," she said with a quivering voice. "But if this is your idea of a joke, it's not very funny. Tell our server I don't want my lunch." She started to stand.

"Wait a minute, Amy," Penny put out a hand, stopping her from standing. "I can prove it to you. We both ordered chef's salads, remember? Watch." Penny snapped her fingers over the table and two chef's salads appeared in front of them. Amy stared down in shock at the food that had just appeared in front of her.

At that moment their waiter appeared, carrying their meals. "Here we are," he said, "Two chef's—" he stopped, staring at the salads already on the table. "Oh. I guess someone already brought your meals out. Sorry," he said, retreating back to the kitchen.

"Oops," Penny said, smiling wryly. Amy was still staring at the bowl of salad in front of her. "I guess that was poor timing on my part."

Amy looked up at her. "I'm sorry," she said, in a neutral but slightly annoyed tone. "Who are you and why are you sitting at my table?"

"What?" Penny said. "Oh come on, Amy, don't be like that."

"And how do you know my name?" Amy asked. "Have we met?"

"Of course we've met!" Penny said, annoyed herself now. "We've known each other for years! You're my bestie, remember?"

Amy shook her head slowly. "I've never seen you before today," she said.

Penny frowned. "Well, that's just crazy," she snapped. "Why are you being so stubborn about this?" Amy just stared at her. "Well?" Penny demanded.

But Amy didn't answer. In fact, she didn't move at all. It was like she was frozen in place. A few seconds later Penny looked around, realizing _everyone_ was like that. The entire restaurant was immobile. There were people in mid-bite; she even saw a waiter pouring water into a customer's glass—the water _itself_ was frozen! What was going on?

"Well, well, well," another voice suddenly spoke. Penny turned to the spot opposite Amy, where an older woman had suddenly appeared at their table. "Already in trouble, I see."

The woman looked to be in her mid-50's , with upswept red hair, quite fashionably dressed. She was giving Penny a condescending smirk. "Don't you remember what Maurice told you about telling mortals what you were?"

"Who are you?" Penny asked her. "How do you know Maurice?"

"You may call me Endora," the woman said, with an airy wave of a gloved hand. "I am married, loosely speaking, to Maurice. He told me not long ago about you becoming one of us, and asked me to keep an eye on you in case you needed some help. It's been less than a week and here we are already."

"You're Maurice's wife?" Penny asked.

"Yes, as I just explained," the woman said, looking bored.

"So you're my grandma?" Penny said, with a sudden smile.

"Oh, hardly," Endora said, as if the idea was distasteful. "Even my _own_ granddaughter calls me Endora these days. But she's been around quite a few more years than you have, my dear."

"So what's going on here?" Penny wanted to know. "Why doesn't my friend Amy here recognize me now? Did I cast some kind of spell on her and not realize it, or what?"

"It's a little more complicated than that," Endora said. "Sometime after my daughter's unfortunate marriage to a mortal, the Witches Council decided to cast a spell that would make it more difficult for any of us to tell random mortals about our existence. If you tell any mortal who is not truly a friend of yours, capable of keeping your secret, that mortal will forget everything about you, permanently." She gestured at Amy. "That is why this person no longer remembers you."

"But that can't be right!" Penny objected, stunned. "Amy and I are friends! We've known each other for years! She calls me her bestie all the time!"

"I'm sorry, my dear," Endora shook her head. "But that's apparently not true. If this person were truly your friend, the enchantment would not have made her forget you."

"Oh my God," Penny whispered, looking horrified. "So she doesn't remember anything about me at _all_?"

"Nothing," Endora agreed. "You are a complete stranger to her now."

"Wow," Penny muttered. "How am I going to explain this to all my other friends?" She looked at Endora. "Isn't there something you can do?"

"Not really," Endora said, with a shrug. A sly smile suddenly crossed her lips. "But, I suppose I _could_ bring this up to the Witches Council—perhaps they will make an exception for you, since you've just become a witch and weren't familiar with the restriction."

"I would really, really appreciate if you did," Penny said hopefully. "Grandma," she added, trying out that word on the woman.

Endora shuddered and gave her a shocked look, then sniffed haughtily. "Very well," she said. "But _only_ if you call me 'Endora' from now on! 'Grandma,' indeed!" She looked positively aghast at the idea.

"Deal," Penny said, wanting to stay on the witch's good side. Assuming there was one.

"Now let's be on our way," Endora said, taking Penny's arm as she got to her feet. "There's no use you staying here now."

"What about the rest of these people?" Penny asked as she grabbed her purse and stood. "What happened to them?"

"Oh, just a little time stop so we could talk uninterrupted," Endora said. "I'll take care of it when I leave. And I'll let you know what the Witches Council decides when I find out." She looked expectantly at Penny.

"Um, okay," Penny said. She looked around. "Uh, should I leave?" she asked, pointing toward the door.

"Haven't you learned to pop out yet?" Endora asked.

"Uh, no."

"Very well, then," Endora said, frowning. "I'll drop you off." She snapped her fingers and she and Penny disappeared.

The people in the restaurant began moving again, including Amy, who looked around for a moment for the woman who'd been sitting at the table with her. "If I were going to imagine someone having lunch with me," she muttered to herself, "I think I'd at least picked an imaginary person I know, like Armand." She resumed eating her salad.

-=o=-

Later that afternoon, Leonard and Sheldon returned to their apartment building and entered the lobby. "And another thing," Sheldon said abruptly, as Leonard started up the stairs.

Leonard stopped, sighed, and turned back to face Sheldon. "What now?" he asked, his voice tight with restraint. Sheldon had been droning on and on in the car on the way home and Leonard wanted nothing more than to go to his room for some peace and quiet for a while. A long while.

"I've been thinking about the dark matter ratios in the universe," Sheldon continued. "The observable universe is supposed to contain 26.8 percent dark matter, and therefore the entire universe is around 84.5 percent."

"I remember reading that," Leonard nodded. "What's your point?"

The two of them started walking up the stairs. "I've been doing some calculations," Sheldon said. "I think those numbers are incorrect."

"Those are the best estimates we have," Leonard argued. "They agree with all of the current models."

"Not with _my_ models," Sheldon disagreed. "My calculations put the current ratio of dark matter in the universe at 88.7 percent."

"Interesting," Leonard said. "Why haven't you Tweeted that yet?" he asked, snarkily, as they passed Mrs. Gunderson's potted plant on the third floor.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Leonard," Sheldon snorted. "I'm not giving away important data like that to any Tom, Dick or Harry with a Twitter account."

"Ah," Leonard nodded wisely. "Good idea. I look forward to reading your paper on the subject."

"Sorry," Sheldon shook his head. "This is on a strictly need-to-know basis. And Leonard, you don't need to know."

Leonard threw Sheldon a peeved look, but at that moment his phone beeped. He took it out and read the text. "Penny wants to talk to me when I get home," he said, as they started up the stairs to the fourth floor.

"Of course she does," Sheldon said. They continued trudging up the stairs. "Sometimes I deplore the ease with which people can intrude in our lives with their banal trivialities. They text and twitter meaningless jibber-jabber all the time, wasting my precious time and brain power, instead of saying some worthy of reading."

"_You_ tweet all the time," Leonard pointed out.

"That's my point," Sheldon said, exasperated. "People should just wait for my tweets. Now _those_ are worth reading." They stopped at the top of the stairs, on the fourth floor.

"Don't forget," Sheldon reminded him. "Raj, Howard, Bernadette and Amy are coming over later for Thai food. Siam Palace, as usual. We're planning on having dinner at six p.m., so try not to get so involved in your mating rituals that you lose track of time."

"I won't forget," Leonard said. "In fact, Penny's going with me this time," he added as he began walking toward her door.

Sheldon spun around, eyeing Leonard closely. "Wait, _wait_… _Why_ is she going? I sense monkey business afoot!"

"No monkey business, Sheldon," Leonard assured him. He hesitated a bare moment. "Well, she did suggest a new Thai place over on Colorado Boulevard…"

"I knew it!" Sheldon moaned, shaking his head despairingly. "If you two keep trying to make your own decisions now, it's going to be impossible living with you after you're married!"

"Never mind," Leonard said, giving up. "Siam Palace it is. I'll see you at six."

"Alright," Sheldon said, but he gave Leonard a last suspicious glance before going into their apartment, muttering, "Boy, you gotta keep right on top of them or—pow! They start living like hippies…"

Leonard shook his head and knocked on Penny's door. She opened it almost immediately. "Hi," she said hurriedly. "Come on in." She grabbed his hand and pulled him inside.

Penny practically dragged him over to the couch. Leonard was beginning to hope she was in a sexy mood—despite Sheldon's warning he wouldn't say no to a quickie before they went for Thai. But Penny wasn't in that kind of mood.

"I think I've got a big problem," she said. Leonard leaned closer, listening intently. "I told Amy at lunch about me being a witch."

"Uh-oh," Leonard knew something bad was coming. "What happened?"

"She completely forgot who I am," Penny said. "I mean, _everything_. And then everyone in the restaurant froze and Endora showed up and—"

"Wait a minute," Leonard cut in. "Who's Endora?"

"She's Maurice's wife," Penny said. "And if you thought _he_ was scary—woo!" Penny shook her head emphatically. "That woman is a WITCH with a capital W!"

"Gossip is so unbecoming," a woman's disembodied voice spoke in the air around them. Leonard looked around, trying to find its source.

"Aw, crap," Penny said. "I forgot."

"Forgot what?" Leonard asked warily.

"They can sometimes hear us when we're talking," Penny said. She looked up toward the ceiling. "Endora, if you're here you might as well appear and meet Leonard."

Endora was suddenly standing behind the couch. Leonard jumped violently.

"So this is your fiancé," Endora said, in an appraising tone that left Leonard feeling uneasy, as if he was being evaluated and coming up lacking.

"How-how do you do, ma'am," he said, still leaning away as if afraid.

"Don't worry, dear boy," she said to him, her tone pleasant but sarcastic. "I don't bite very hard."

"You—you must be Endora," Leonard said, standing and offering his hand. "It's very nice to meet you."

Endora didn't extend her hand. "You'll excuse me, I'm sure," she said. "I just had my nails done." Leonard blinked, then let his hand drop and sat down next to Penny again.

"Any word on whether the Witches Council can fix things?" Penny asked anxiously.

"They're debating it," Endora said, unconcerned. "Patience, my dear—it shouldn't take them more than three or four days to figure it out."

"We've got to go get dinner," Leonard reminded Penny. "Everyone's going to be over at our apartment in an hour."

"Can't you hurry them up?" Penny asked Endora pleadingly. "Nobody's going to understand if Amy doesn't remember me! They're going to start asking questions I can't answer without explaining I'm a witch! I'd think the Witches Council would want to avoid something like this, it's more likely to expose us as witches than not!"

"Not if everyone forgets who you are," Endora explained, smiling.

"But that's going to create a lot more problems than it solves," Leonard said. "If all my friends suddenly forget who Penny is, people are going to start asking questions and trying to figure out what's going on. Soon it'll become so widespread that somebody's bound to figure it out!"

Endora's expression turned glum. "I suppose you're right," she said in a flat, bored tone. "I'll point that out to the Council. In the meantime," she said to Penny, "you should stall as long as you can before going over there. In fact, perhaps you should just stay in this dreary little apartment of yours. Your fiancé Lonny here can tell everyone you're sick. Perhaps with the plague…" Before Penny could reply she disappeared.

"Well, that was interesting," Leonard said, bemused. "She sort of reminded me of my mother, if my mother actually _had_ a personality."

"Let's not worry about your mother," Penny snapped. "What are we going to do?"

"Well, it's not that bad an idea for you to just stay here," Leonard suggested. "I can say you caught a cold at work today and don't want to give it to anyone. I'm sure Sheldon will appreciate that," he grinned.

"Fine," Penny shrugged. "I'll just stay here."

Leonard leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, stood and started toward the door. "Do you want me to bring you something back?" he asked.

"No," Penny said. "I'll just whip something up for myself." Leonard nodded and left. Penny gestured at the coffee table and several cartons of food appeared in front of her, along with a chilled bottle of sauvignon blanc and a wine glass. "Nice!" she said, picking up a carton of noodles and inhaling their aroma. She picked up a fork and began to eat.

The apartment door opened suddenly and Leonard entered. "Hang on a second," he said, as Penny stopped with a forkful of noodles halfway to her mouth. "What do you _mean_ Amy won't remember you? How could that happen?" He looked at the carton in her hand. "And where did all this _food_ come from?!" He sat down and picked up a carton. "Mee Crob Chicken?" He sniffed. "And it smells just like Sheldon likes it! You can do stuff like this?"

"You saw me make spaghetti the other night," Penny pointed out.

"Yes, but, but that was just spaghetti," Leonard said.

"With little pieces of hot dog cut up in it," Penny reminded him.

"But _this_—" Leonard looked at the cartons of food, each of them a different dish. "This is really amazing!" Penny smiled, proud of herself.

Leonard suddenly held up his hands. "Wait. Wait. Back to what we were talking about. _Why_, exactly, doesn't Amy remember who you are?"

Penny set down her carton. "You remember Maurice warned me about telling other people about my witchcraft," she said. Leonard nodded. "Well, it turns out there's an enchantment that if you tell someone about it who's not really your friend, they will forget everything about you."

"But you've known Amy for years," Leonard said.

"I know!" Penny agreed loudly. "Why would they _do_ something like that?!"

"So…" Leonard was working through things in his head. "Does this mean that Amy is not really your friend?"

Penny blanched and looked at him. "I don't know," she said, helplessly. "I guess not. Or, I don't know, maybe there's something that's keeping us from really becoming friends."

"Because of her?" Leonard pondered. "Or because of … you?"

Penny stared at him a long moment. "Why would you say that?" she finally asked. "I don't have any trouble making friends."

"You don't have any trouble talking to people," Leonard said. "You'll talk to anyone, anywhere. You told me you once got a whole busload of people to have a sing-along with you, because you were bored."

"Oh, yeah," Penny chuckled. "That's right. 'Naughty Girl'… that was fun," she remembered.

"My point," Leonard pressed on, "is there's a difference between talking to someone and being their friend."

"But Amy says we're best friends," Penny pointed out. "She calls me her bestie all the time."

"Right, and her boyfriend is _Sheldon Cooper_," Leonard added. "So maybe some of this is on her, too. You told me a few years ago she didn't want you to move back to Nebraska because it would affect her popularity."

"Maybe," Penny agreed, thinking about it. "It seems like she's tried to wedge herself between Bernadette and me. I've known Bernadette longer, since we started working at the Cheesecake Factory together. It's kind of hard to imagine I've known her all this time and we haven't really been friends."

"I don't know about that," Leonard said quietly. "It seems like you, Bernadette and Amy _are_ friends. We don't know how the magic that affected her decided to erase her memories of you, if that's what happened."

"How could that not be what happened?" Penny asked. "One minute we were talking, the next minute she didn't have a clue who I was!" She looked around the room. "Maybe that book Maurice gave me has something about it in there. Book of Magic," she said, holding out her hands. "Come here."

The book appeared in her hands. She put it on her lap and opened it, flipping through the pages. "I don't know," she said, slamming it shut a minute later. "I can't find anything."

"I can look through it sometime," Leonard suggested. "Maybe I can find something that'll explain things." He glanced at his watch. "I should probably head out to get the food," he said. "Everyone will be here in less than 45 minutes."

Penny looked thoughtful. "Or," she said, "you could spend that time helping me with this book, then I could whip up dinner for everyone."

Leonard smiled at her. "Are you sure that's how you'd like to spend the next 45 minutes?"

"You got a better idea?" Penny asked, seductively.

"Maybe," Leonard replied, moving closer to her. "I could work a little of my _special_ magic on you."

"Mmmm," Penny purred. Leonard leaned forward, lips pursed, and she picked up the book and pushed it into his hands. "Book now, magic later," she suggested. "Tonight."

Leonard looked at her, then at the Book of Magic in his hands. "Well, all right," he said, cracking the book open. "But you owe me."

-=o=-

"Hello, Amy," Sheldon said, opening the door for her.

"Hello, Sheldon," she said, stepping into the apartment. "Thank you for inviting me to dinner tonight."

"Of course, Amy," Sheldon said, smiling at her. "Please come in and make yourself comfortable."

"Thank you," Amy said again. "By the way, although technically this is a date, it does not count as a Date Night, since on a date night the size of our group is limited to four, including another couple if we're on a double date."

"Aww." Sheldon looked disappointed. He looked around. "Raj, looks like you've got to go."

"What?" Raj looked up, surprised. "Really? Are you joking?"

"Why would I be joking?" Sheldon said, then paused. "Bazinga," he said, smiling broadly. "Of course I'm joking. Mostly."

"Sheldon, while I normally think your jokes are classic," Amy said. "In this case that one seemed in rather poor taste."

"I see I'm going to have to make some changes to the Relationship Agreement vis-à-vis your acceptance of my unique and charming style of humor," he said, as Amy sat down in the plush chair next to the sofa.

"You know," Sheldon said, walking back to his spot on the couch. "Amy, your arrival as the fifth person of our social group has reminded me of some interesting factoids. Would anyone like to hear?" A murmur of low groans and moans wafted across the room. Sheldon looked around. "I heard yes," he said. "Alright, then.

"Five is a prime number," Sheldon began. "And because it can be written in the form of two to the two to the first power, plus one, it is also a Fermat prime, and therefore a pentagram is a constructible regular polygon.

"There are five exceptional Lie groups," Sheldon went on. "Five Lagrange points in a two-body gravitational system, five circles in the Olympic symbol, and five hand positions in the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock."

"Very interesting, Sheldon," Howard said. He raised his hand. "Gimme five!"

Sheldon stared at him. "Five what? Oh, I see, you're employing a cultural paradigm to congratulate me for my knowledge of the number five, that also uses the word 'five.' Very good, Howard, especially for someone who went to MIT and still doesn't possess a single doctorate." Howard sighed and lowered his hand.

Bernadette looked toward the door. "I wonder when Leonard's getting here with the food," she asked, trying to distract everyone, Sheldon included.

It worked. "I reminded him that dinner would be at six p.m.," Sheldon said. "It's 5:55 now. That time leaves him only five minutes to return here on time. Incidentally, he promised he wouldn't dawdle at Penny's."

Amy gave him a quizzical look. "Why would Leonard go all the way to Glendale for our food?" she asked.

"He wouldn't," Sheldon said. "He's going to Siam Palace."

"Then why did you say he was going to Penny's?" Amy asked. "The closest J.C. Penny's is in the Glendale Galleria."

"Amy," Bernadette turned and pointed toward the door. "He obviously meant Penny, across the hallway."

"What Penny are you talking about?" Amy asked. "I don't know a Penny across the hall."

The others looked at each other in confusion. "Of course you do, Amy," Sheldon said. "You've known her for three years now. There used to be a large picture of the two of you hanging in her apartment, which you had painted for her."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Sheldon," Amy said.

"Did you two have a fight?" Bernadette asked. "Are you mad at her?"

"I don't know who she is," Amy insisted. "Why do you all keep saying I know someone named Penny?"

Raj stood. "Alright," he said. "I'll get to the bottom of this. Penny will talk to me about it. I know about these sorts of things," he added knowingly.

"Maybe I should go with him," Bernadette suggested to Howard.

"Nah," Howard said. "Let the girls talk it out."

Raj shook his head, annoyed, and started toward the door.

"Alright, then," Sheldon said as Raj walked to the door. "And if Leonard's still over there, you tell those hens to stop clucking and for him to get a move on and get us our dinner."

Raj marched across the hall and knocked on 4B. "Who is it?" Penny's voice said, after a few seconds pause. "It's Raj," he said. "Can I talk to you?"

"Hang on." There were some unidentifiable sounds from inside the apartment, like someone was moving around in a hurry. Raj put his ear to the door to listen better, but all he could hear by then were footsteps moving toward the door. He stood up quickly as the door flew open. "Hi," Penny said, a bit breathlessly. "What's going on?"

"Penny, Penny, Penny," Raj said, shaking his head. "Have you been fighting with Amy? She's pretending she doesn't know who you are."

"Er—well, _yeah_, that's it," Penny agreed. "It's just a silly disagreement," she said quickly. "I'm sure we'll get over it soon enough."

"Well, I hope it's quickly," Raj said, sauntering into the apartment. He looked around for Leonard. "By the way," he asked. "Did Leonard head over to Siam Palace—" he caught sight of the cartons of food still on the coffee table. "What? Did you eat already?"

"No, no," Penny said. "That—" she pointed at the cartons. "That was from yesterday."

"You ate Thai yesterday?" Raj said, confused. "I thought Mondays were Thai takeout day."

"Well," Penny said, thinking furiously. "It was—it was Anything Can Happen Sunday!"

"What?" Raj exclaimed. "What the heck is _that_?"

"If Sheldon can have an Anything Can Happen Thursday then I can have an Anything Can Happen Sunday," Penny said, trying to sound logical.

Raj thought about that for a second. "Okay," he said, accepting it. "So are you coming over to eat with us when Leonard gets back?"

"Well…" Penny said, trying to stall. "You know, I can't think of a good reason not to, except—" she turned away and coughed into her elbow several times. "Except I may have caught a cold at work today," she said, sniffling as she turned back toward Raj.

Raj quickly stepped back. "Why didn't you say that before now! If Sheldon finds out I won't be allowed back into the apartment!" He covered his mouth and nose with both hands, turned and ran out of her apartment. He stuck his head back in a moment later, his mouth still covered. "See you later," he said through his hand, and disappeared, pulling the door closed.

Leonard emerged from Penny's bedroom. "Sounds like the cat's out of the bag over there," he said anxiously. "What do we do now?"

"You foolish mortals," Endora's disembodied voice chided him. "Always worrying about things you have no hope of understanding."

"Endora," Penny said, looking at the ceiling. "Stop fooling around and appear. I want to know what you found out."

Endora appeared next to Penny, dressed in light purple robes with a light green floor-length shawl covering them. "Really, granddaughter, don't you think you can do better than—this?" She gestured disdainfully toward Leonard.

"Maurice likes him," Penny said, defending him. "I don't see what your problem is."

"You will someday. Maurice never spent as much time with my mortal son-in-law as I did," Endora said, scornfully. "And he doted on our daughter Samantha entirely too much for her own good. Whatever she wanted, she got. Even Durbin," she added, ruefully.

"Alright, alright," Penny said impatiently. "What did the Council say?"

Endora put on a look of deep disappointment. "Unfortunately, they agreed with you, once they realized their secret was at risk and they talked with the Queen about the situation."

"The Queen?" Leonard said, confused. "The Queen of England?"

"No, silly boy," Endora said haughtily. "The Queen of Witches. Who is also my daughter Samantha, by the way."

"Your daughter is the Queen of Witches?" Penny said, surprised. "I didn't know witches had a queen."

"My dear, what you don't know about being a witch could fill a book," Endora informed her. She held out her hands, and the Book of Magic appeared in them. "Which is why Maurice gave this to you. I suggest you read through it as quickly and thoroughly as possible."

"I will," Penny promised, taking the book and setting it aside. "So when are they going to make Amy remember me?"

"It's not going to be quite that simple," Endora said, smirking. "The Council decided that since you got yourself into this situation, you had to get yourself out." She held out her hand. A small bottle appeared in it. "Your friend must drink this potion. Once she does so, she will remember you." Endora handed the bottle to Penny.

Penny eyed the bottle warily. "That's it? She just has to drink it?"

"Yes," Endora said. "But you cannot force her to drink it magically or it will have no effect. She must drink it of her own free will."

"Does she have to know what it's for?" Leonard asked.

"That's up to you," Endora said airily. She stood. "Well, I'm off to a midnight rendezvous on the Riviera with an old friend of mine. Ta-ta, Granddaughter," she said, giving Penny a kiss on the cheek. She looked at Leonard. "Farewell, Lumpkin," she said flatly, and vanished.

"It's _Leonard_," he said into the air, a little irritated. He looked at Penny. "You know, my mother is looking a lot better these days, compared to that woman."

"Don't worry about that now," Penny said dismissively. She held out the bottle Endora had given her. "You've got to get Amy to drink this."

"_Me_?" Leonard frowned. "How am I going to do that? _You're_ the one who made her forget you!"

"She's not going to drink a bottle of something from a total stranger!" Penny pointed out. "Right now, she's gotta trust you more than she would trust me!"

"She _hit me with a pillow_ when she found out Sheldon left town and I didn't stop him," Leonard reminded her. "_Repeatedly_. You were there. _And_ she thinks I'm boring and stuffy compared to Sheldon."

"Well, from her perspective, you kind of are," Penny said.

"Oh great," Leonard said, in mock horror. "Now even my _fiancée_ likes Sheldon more than me."

"Oh, I wouldn't go _that_ far," Penny quickly disabused him of that notion. "_Please_, Leonard? You've gotta do this for me!"

"Alright," Leonard said, taking the bottle. "But you owe me _big time_ now."

"Fix this for me," Penny said earnestly. "And tonight we'll make it a _Yee-Ha _night."

"Really," Leonard smiled, remembering their first Yee-Ha night of a few years ago. The next morning had been embarrassing but it had been worth it. "Okay. I'll give it my best shot."

-=o=-

Leonard glanced at his watch. "Damn, it's 6:03," he said, glumly. "Sheldon's going to be upset I'm late."

"Then we better get you over there," Penny said. "Here's your food." She snapped her fingers.

A large bag full of food cartons was suddenly in Leonard's hands. He looked inside the bag. "Good, it's Siam Palace," he said, nodding at Penny. He took a deep breath. "Wish me luck," he said, nervously.

Penny walked over and kissed him. "You'll do fine," she told him, then opened the door for him. Leonard walked out, heading for his own apartment, and Penny shut the door.

She looked over at her sofa, but shook her head. "I can't just wait around here," she muttered to herself. "I gotta see what happens." She looked down at herself. She was wearing a knitted top and dark slacks—appropriate clothing for a pharmaceutical rep, but for what she planned, something a bit _slinkier_ would be better, something more like what Endora had been wearing. She made a smoothing gesture down her sides with both hands.

Her clothes transformed into a dark, close-fitting gown similar to Endora's. "Okay so far," she said, then pressed her index fingers into her temples in concentration. "Come on, come on," she murmured, until she felt a tingling sensation run down her body. She was now invisible and intangible—perfect for spying on what was happening in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. "Here goes nothing," she said, walking toward her apartment door. She passed _through_ the door as if it wasn't there. _Pretty cool_, she thought to herself.

In the hallway, she saw that the door of Leonard's apartment was open and Leonard was standing in the doorway. Sheldon, wearing a surgical mask, was blocking him from entering.

"How can you be sure you haven't inhaled any of Penny's germs?" Sheldon was saying, through the mask.

"I _didn't_, Sheldon," Leonard said, as patiently as he could. "I stayed at least an arm's length away when she told me she might have cold."

"Are you sure?" Sheldon persisted. "You two get pretty chummy, you know. Sometimes you're so close I don't think we could slip a graphene sheet between the two of you."

"I'm sure," Leonard said. "Scout's honor," he added, lying through his teeth. Sheldon always fell for the old _Scout's honor_ bit.

"And she didn't touch any of the food cartons in this bag?" Sheldon pointed at the food in Leonard's arms.

"Yes," Leonard said. "She was in the back seat the whole trip back. The food was in the front seat with me."

Sheldon stared at him for a long moment. "Not good enough," he said, shutting the door in Leonard's face. Penny covered her mouth with her hands so she wouldn't laugh out loud.

"Alright," inside the apartment, Sheldon was speaking to the other. "Who's going to volunteer to make another food run?"

"Sheldon, don't be crazy," Howard said. "Let Leonard in!"

"Sheldon," Leonard said loudly outside the door. "I have my key, I can still get in."

"I'm sure that's what Typhoid Mary said when her family put her out of their home," Sheldon shouted through the door.

"Sheldon, come on," Howard's voice said. "We wouldn't be eating if it wasn't for Leonard."

"We wouldn't be eating _late_ if it wasn't for Leonard's dawdling," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon, it's only 6:05," Bernadette said.

"And how do we know it hasn't been tainted by being in the car with a cold-infected Penny?" Sheldon demanded.

"The cartons are sealed," Bernadette. "And we could reheat them to make sure."

"First it's the food," Sheldon argued. "Then the trains start to run late. The next thing you know the cure for the zombie apocalypse doesn't reach Washington in time and the whole world turns into the walking dead. Is _that_ what you want? Well, _is it_?"

"Sheldon, don't be ridiculous," Amy said. She opened the door. "Come in, Leonard."

"Thank you, Amy," Leonard said, walking inside. Invisible, Penny followed him in, stepping out of the way as Amy shut the door behind him. She walked back toward her seat, and Leonard set the bag of food on the coffee table, then grabbed his desk chair and rolled it next to Amy; he wanted to be sure to sit next to her, so he could figure out some way to get her to drink the memory-restoring potion in his pocket.

As Leonard stepped toward the coffee table, Sheldon held up his hands. "Ah-ah!" he warned. "You just keep your distance, Mr. Germy." He reached into the bag of food and pulled out a carton. "Here, Amy—you let him in, so you can hand him his food," he said, giving it to her.

"Fine, Sheldon," Amy said, handing the carton and a fork to Leonard.

"Thank you, Amy," Leonard said, settling back into his chair.

Sheldon was handing other cartons to Bernadette and Howard, who were sitting next to him on the couch. He passed another carton to Raj, who had sat on the floor next to Howard. The final carton from the bag he handed to Amy, then sat back with his own food and the group began eating.

Invisible, Penny watched anxiously as Leonard dug into his carton and began eating the mee crob noodles and chicken. He wasn't saying anything! _Nobody_ was saying anything! Not even Sheldon, which was something of a miracle!

What could she do to help Leonard, Penny wondered. She couldn't think of anything that didn't involve magic, and using magic on Amy would make the potion she had to take ineffective against her amnesia. Penny fretted, biting her lip as she tried to come up with some way to help Leonard indirectly.

Leonard suddenly looked up. "How have you been, Amy?" he asked her. "Feeling okay these days?"

Amy looked at him blankly. "I'm fine," she said. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason," Leonard said, shrugging. He looked down again, but turned back to her almost immediately. "Maybe I shouldn't mention it, but I thought you looked a bit peaked. Are you feeling tired?"

"Really, I'm fine," Amy said. Penny stared at her. She did look fine, but Penny understood Leonard's game here—he was trying to suggest that Amy wasn't feeling well, in an effort to make her think she wasn't feeling well so he could offer her the potion as medicine that would help her. If Penny could somehow make her sneeze…

But simply making her sneeze using witchcraft might cause the potion not to work! Penny frowned in frustration, then noticed several packets of pepper on the coffee table. Could she do something with that? Penny decided to risk it. She pointed at a packet of pepper. The end disappeared and a thin stream of pepper shot out and up Amy's nose. Amy shook her head, rubbing her nose, then sneezed!

Sheldon pushed himself back against the couch, looking at her in horror. "You sneezed!" he said looking at her with wide, fearful eyes. "Did you catch what Leonard has?!"

"I'm fine, Sheldon," Amy said. "It was just a—" she suddenly sneezed again.

Sheldon stood and ran around behind the couch. "You gave it to her!" he accused Leonard.

"Sheldon, _I'm_ not sneezing," Leonard protested, but he hid a small smile behind his carton of food. This was working out better than he'd hoped! His powers of suggestion had convinced Amy she was sick!

Leonard reached into his pocket. "It's probably because I took some of this," he said, holding up a small bottle.

"What's that?" Amy asked, sneezing again.

"It's medication that relieves your symptoms if you have a cold," Leonard said.

"Take it! Take it!" Sheldon said to Amy.

"Hold on," Bernadette interrupted. "What is that stuff? Where did you get it from?"

"I got it from a friend at work," Leonard said. "He takes it whenever he feels a cold coming on."

"What friend?" Raj wanted to know. "All your friends are in this room."

"I do know other people, Raj," Leonard informed him.

"I never see you talking to anyone except me, Sheldon and Howard."

"Well they're there," Leonard said shortly. "Would you like some or not?" he said to Amy. He put his hand on the lid. "If not, I'm just going to drink the rest of it myself."

"Take it, take it!" Sheldon urged again.

"I don't know, Amy," Bernadette said. "I wouldn't take any medication if I didn't know where it came from."

"Then how come you're always offering me medicine from your company?" Amy asked.

"Because I _do_ know where that comes from," Bernadette snapped. "I helped develop a lot of it! But if _you're_ so smart I guess you can do what you want."

Amy looked at the bottle in Leonard's hand. Invisibly, Penny crossed her fingers. "I suppose," Amy said slowly, "I will…pass this time. You can take it, Leonard." Silently, Penny smacked her face with her palm.

Leonard stood there for several seconds holding the lid of the bottle, trying to figure out what to do next. "I will," he finally said. "I'll take it later," he added. "I'm just going to go put it with my other medications." He turned and slowly walked down the hall toward his room.

Amy suddenly sneezed. Sniffling, she spoke again. "Wait, Leonard. Maybe I will try it."

"Oh, good," Leonard breathed, turning and quickly walking back to her.

"What did you say?" Amy asked as she took the bottle from him.

"Oh. I said, 'Here you go,'" Leonard said in a solicitous tone. "Just open the top and drink it down." Amy took the lid off and poured the contents down her throat.

"Mmm, not bad," Amy said, looking at the bottle. "Interestingly, it reminds me of some peppermint schnapps I tried once at Penny's." She looked around the room. "Where is Penny, by the way? I thought she would be here tonight."

"She was delayed," Leonard said, relieved.

"She's not coming," Sheldon said at the same moment.

"Well, which is it?" Amy asked.

Penny hurriedly ran through the door, materialized, and knocked on the door. Leonard intuitively sensed who it was. "I'll bet that's her," he said, walking briskly to the door and opening it. "Hi, honey—" he said, then stopped dead, looking at what she was wearing. "Have—have you been sleeping?" he asked.

Penny looked down. She was still wearing the black witch's costume. "Oops, sorry," she said. "I forgot what I was wearing."

"It's okay," Leonard said, as she came in. "It looks—interesting."

The others were craning for a view. "Hey, bestie," Amy said. "How come I've never seen you wearing _that_ before? It suits you perfectly. Of course, everything you wear suits you perfectly," she added, as a matter of fact.

"What, this old thing?" Penny said disparagingly. "It's just something I found in the back of my closet." She came over and sat next to Amy in the plush chair.

Leonard went over to the food bag, still sitting on the coffee table. "There's nothing else in it," Sheldon said. "Penny will just have to share your meal, Leonard." Leonard looked over at Penny and gave a half-shrug.

"Look again, sweetie," Penny said, pointing at the bag. Leonard reached in and pulled out another carton of food. "I guess you missed that one, Sheldon," she said, smiling at him as Leonard handed it to her and sat down in his chair with his own meal. Sheldon, perplexed, looked into the bag again, then picked it up and looked at the bottom, as if trying to figure out where the last carton had come from.

"How'd you do that?" he said to Penny. "I was _sure_ there was no more food in there!"

"Maybe I can make food appear as well as disappear," Penny said, smiling at him. She glanced over at Leonard, who was smiling as well.

"You're never going to beat my mother, though," Howard said. "She's still the all-time champion food magician. Did you know she once made a whole chicken disappear?"

"Yes," everyone in the room answered.

-=o=-

Later, after the meal and a spirited discussion of the merits of a neurobiology doctorate versus a theoretical physics doctorate in a post-apocalyptic future, Penny and Leonard went back in her apartment, where Leonard gravitated toward Penny's Book of Magic. "I've wondered what kind of stuff is in this book," he told her, leafing through it.

Penny was making tea for them. "Oh, you know," she said. "Levitation, dematerialization, invisibility, flying. Stuff like that."

"It all sounds amazing," Leonard murmured, studying the book in more detail. "But none of this seems to make any sense. Listen to this," he said, and started reading from the book.

"_Ay vigoru linore nes eres nilerar etocamij na ares et peguco leje voneve, pebat ovorane cis minur. Roda sadod dase doyiefed 'lesoloronu' at otie lokaca iyecere resic nidande ec sodulat_."

He looked up as Penny handed him a cup of tea. "Huh," she said, looking where he was reading. "I can read it perfectly fine," she said, then began reading what Leonard had read.

"A useful ability in the mortal realm is the ability to make oneself intangible, or imperceptible by normal objects," she read. "This renders the witch 'ghostlike' in that they can pass through solid barriers and objects." She pointed to the text. "I was totally doing that earlier," she said.

"What, being intangible?" Leonard asked, looking at her in surprise.

"Yeah!" she nodded. "I mean, when you left my apartment earlier I turned myself invisible, then I walked through the door to follow you over to your place."

"That's amazing!" Leonard said, fascinated. "You're really getting into this witchcraft, aren't you?"

"Well, you know," Penny said, turning philosophical. "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I survived becoming a witch, so I'm going to make the most of it. Even if nobody can know about it but you," she added, a bit sadly.

"Well, you never know," Leonard said, moving closer to her and rubbing her back. "It's not that you _can't_ tell anyone," he reminded her. "It's just that they need to be a true friend to you before you do."

"I know, but—" Penny sighed, exasperated. "I've known Amy for _years_ now. It hurts to find out that she doesn't really consider me a friend. Or maybe I don't consider her one. I don't know!"

"Hey, hey," Leonard said soothingly, trying to calm her fears. "You and Amy _are_ friends. I mean, even if she does have kind of a weird, sexually ambiguous attraction to you—"

"I know," Penny muttered. "That is _totally_ weird."

"At least her social skills are better than Sheldon's," Leonard went on. "Actually, better than mine in some ways, now that I think about it—she got me to dance when I went to that wedding reception with her a few years back."

"Yeah, she told me," Penny was smiling. "She was afraid afterwards you'd fallen in love with her."

"Really?" Leonard laughed. "Why would she think that?"

"Probably for the same reason Sheldon always thought I was madly in love with him," Penny grinned. "It's all about the Shamy!"

They both laughed. Penny's smile turned sultry. "Is it about rodeo time?" she asked him.

Leonard nodded eagerly. "Oh, I'm always ready for rodeo time," he agreed, leaning closer to her. "Yee-haa," he said, as they kissed.

-=o=-

**A/N: Readers, please let me know what you think of this episode. Penny is learning magic pretty fast. How do you think this new knowledge will affect her and others around her? Would her feelings toward Leonard start to change, as he feared in the first episode? How much does this change the dynamics of their relationship? And how much will the restriction of talking about her magic affect Penny? **

**Some upcoming episode ideas:  
**"**The Teleportation Secret" — Penny learns to travel using magic.  
**"**The Love Spell Confabulation" — Penny meets her cousin Serena, who takes an interest in Leonard.**


	3. The Teleportation Secret

.

**Episode Three**

**The Teleportation Secret**

_Updated_ 11/21/2014

**-=o=-**

Penny turned into the parking lot of 2311 North Los Robles and found an open spot close to the door for a change. She pulled in, turned off her engine, then rolled her head, trying to work out the stiffness in her neck from the day's activities. One of her last sales follow-ups for the week had been at Dr. Lorvis's office, and though the man was no longer infatuated with her, he still kept asking her questions about Amy's dating availability. At least she would be able to relax and unwind this weekend, she thought as she gathered up her purse and the attaché case of her pharmaceutical supplies and literature.

Sighing wearily, she exited her vehicle, staring at the walk that led around the corner to the front door of the apartment building. That, and a four-flight walk up was all that separated her from her home. Four long flights of stairs. Penny looked around, seeing no one nearby. This was as good an opportunity as any to practice one of her new skills. She snapped her fingers and disappeared.

A moment later she was in her apartment. It worked! Ever since Endora had shown her how to teleport, she had been working on the ability on her own. Up until now she'd been practicing small trips inside her apartment: kitchen to bedroom, bedroom to bathroom, building up her skill. Last night she had popped all the way from the laundry room back to her apartment. And now she had done it from the parking lot!

She sighed again, this time happy to be home, and dropped her purse and jacket on the sofa. It was after five, so Leonard and Sheldon should be home, too, she thought, going to her front door and opening it. She started through the door, only to halt suddenly as she realized Leonard was standing just outside.

"Whoops!" she said, narrowly avoiding colliding as Leonard started, staring at her in surprise; he then stuck his phone, on which he'd been texting, back in his pocket.

"Sorry!" he said, smiling awkwardly at her. "I was just texting you to find out where you were. I guess you didn't hear me knocking just now?" he asked.

"Come in," Penny said, avoiding the question for the moment. As Leonard entered the apartment she kissed him. "How was your week?" she asked.

"Busy," he said. "You remember I mentioned the detection of primordial gravity waves a few months ago?" Penny nodded, hoping Leonard wasn't going to ask how much she remembered, because she had no idea what he was talking about.

"Well, I learned earlier this week we got a grant to study them in more detail," Leonard went on. "I'm supposed to write up a grant proposal to study them."

"Well, that's great!" Penny smiled, giving him a hug. "Now we have something to celebrate in Vegas this weekend."

"Yeah," Leonard said, not looking her in the eye. "Well, here's the thing…"

"What thing?" Penny said, her mood immediately turning sour.

"I have to hand in my proposal Monday morning," Leonard said. "So that means I have to finish it this weekend. So that means I'm not going to be able to go to Vegas with you and everybody. But that doesn't mean _you_ can't go!" he added, as her expression fell. "I know you didn't have much chance to have fun when you, Amy and Bernadette went there a month ago." Penny had gone along, too, but she had to curtail her fun there to study for her field ride at her new job the following Monday.

"Leonard!" Penny huffed. "Can't you get that done tonight?"

"I tried," Leonard said. "I _really_ tried, but—" he glanced toward the door. "Sheldon has been trying to help me write the proposal, because he wants to use my data in his dark matter research.

"So, needless to say, I didn't get much done this week," he concluded. "I'm hoping with him in Vegas I can get it finished by Sunday night and hand it in to the Grant Committee Monday morning. That's why you ought to go, too," he added. "It's going to be pretty boring around here with me up to my eyebrows in work."

"I doubt if I'll have any more fun with Raj and Emily along this time," Penny complained. "That woman just doesn't like me."

"Well, to be honest, she has a good reason," Leonard said. Penny stared balefully at him. "Okay, it's not a _good_ good reason," Leonard amended. "But if she thinks you slept with Raj—"

"But I _didn't_!" Penny exploded. "We got drunk and fooled around a bit, but nothing happened!" She took a deep breath. "At least, not for _me_. Raj said he had a beautiful experience. I think he even kept the condom."

"Ewww," Leonard made a face. "That's gross."

"Tell me about it," Penny grumbled. "Anyway, if you're not going, I'm not going, either. We can go there another time." Leonard nodded, smiled. "And get any ideas about visiting a wedding chapel out of your head right now," Penny added.

Leonard laughed, at the same time mentally crossing off some plans he'd been working on. "Since we aren't going to Vegas tomorrow," he asked. "Would you like to do something tonight, before I get started on my grant writing?"

"Hmm," Penny looked thoughtful. "Well, earlier this week a doctor told me about this nice little Italian place in North Hollywood on Magnolia Boulevard that he likes to go to. I was thinking about going there."

"That sounds nice," Leonard said. "Umm, you mean with me, don't you?"

"Of course I mean with you!" Penny said, laughing. "Leonard, stop worrying, I'm being careful when I'm with doctors now. I make sure not to flirt too much with them."

"Okay, good," Leonard breathed a sigh of relief. Then— "Uh, how much is _too_ much…?"

"Will you stop it?" Penny said, secretly pleased Leonard was a bit jealous.

"All right," Leonard said. "So," he pondered, drawing a map in his head. "North Hollywood on a Friday night. It'll take us at least a half-hour to get there."

Penny put an innocent look on her face. "Maybe not."

"Really? Why-why not?" Leonard studied her a moment. "Do you have some hocus-pocus in mind?"

Penny smiled, nodding. "You saw how Maurice and Endora can appear and disappear? It's called teleporting in the Book of Magic, but witches and warlocks commonly refer to it as popping in or popping out."

"You mean you can disappear from one location and reappear somewhere else, like in Harry Potter?" Leonard asked.

"Yes," Penny said. "But for the last time, it's _not_ like Harry Potter," she reminded him. In Harry Potter traveling magically was called Apparating, and it was a very unpleasant experience. "If I had to go through _that_ I'd rather walk. I just think of where I want to be and poof, a moment later I'm there. Do you remember how Maurice took us to the Grand Canyon the day we met him? One moment we were here, the next we were there. It's just like that."

"Well, I'm game," Leonard said. "If-if you're sure you can handle the both of us."

"Pretty sure," Penny said confidently. "Mostly," she added, hopefully.

"Okay," Leonard said. "_Sure_ you don't want me to drive? It's-it's no trouble, really," he assured her, looking a little nervous.

"Leonard, I can do it," Penny said in a firm voice. "It took me almost a month to figure out, but I've been practicing for several days now and I've got the hang of it."

"Okay," Leonard agreed. "So there's, there's no chance of Splinching, is there?"

"No," Penny said, her patience beginning to fray. "Listen, if we go now we can probably beat the Friday night rush."

"Okay," Leonard agreed. "Let me go change real quick." He started for the door.

"No time, she said, gesturing at him. Leonard's jeans, T-shirt, windbreaker and sneakers transformed into a sport suit, white shirt and black leather shoes.

Leonard looked down at himself. "Nice!" he said. "I should have you dress me more often!"

"Believe me, I've wanted to," she said, grabbing her purse off the sofa and taking his arm. "Are you ready?"

Leonard took a deep breath. "Ready," he said.

"Here we go," Penny said. She raised her hand and snapped her fingers. They vanished.

Three knocks sounded on the door. "Leonard and Penny?" a familiar voice said. This was repeated three times. There was no response from inside apartment 4B.

"Huh." Outside the apartment, Sheldon was staring at the door. "Where could they have run off to so quickly?" He wondered aloud, to himself. "We've only been home for 15 minutes, and it's too early to eat yet. Hmm. I wonder…"

Sheldon went back into his apartment and returned a moment later with Penny's apartment key. He let himself into her apartment. Of course they would have left a note for him if they had gone somewhere. But after several minutes of searching, including the contents of Leonard's old attaché case, which still had his combination code of 314, he had come up empty-handed.

"I can't understand it," Sheldon muttered, looking around the apartment for any places he might've missed. "Where could they have gone? And why did they hide that note so well? You'd think they didn't want me along. Oh, well…" Sheldon left the apartment, locking the door behind him and resigning himself to a call to the pizza parlor, planning on reviving Vintage Video Game night. His old PS2 needed dusting off, and so did his copy of _Grand Theft Auto III_.

**-=o=-**

The restaurant on Magnolia Boulevard was Antonio's Bella Vista Café, with a quiet, unassuming exterior. Penny and Leonard appeared across the street in a parking lot half-filled with cars. Leonard looked around, then pointed to a sign over the building that said "Antonio's Bella Vista."

As they crossed the street Leonard noticed the building next to the restaurant was a casting agency, and that Penny was staring at it, too. "Kind of a coincidence," he said, looking where she was looking.

"Yeah," she said in a wistful tone, and nothing else.

Inside the restaurant a young woman greeted them and took them to a table. "Here you are," she said, showing them to a small booth along a windowless wall. She set two glasses of water in front of them. "Enjoy your meal." She placed menus in front of them and hurried away as more people were starting to come in.

"Looks like we got here just in time," Penny said with a smug smile.

Leonard looked around the dining room. He and Penny were currently the only people seated. "We sure did," he agreed, trying not to sound sarcastic. "Look," he went on, after a few moments of silence, "I really am sorry we can't go to Vegas this weekend—"

"Don't worry about it," Penny waved dismissively. "I understand. I had to blow off my weekend in Vegas studying work stuff, too."

"I know, but that was a last-minute thing," Leonard said. "I've been trying to get my grant written all this week. It just didn't work out."

"I know," Penny nodded wisely. "But you know what they say—the best-laid plans of mice and men, oft get blown away by Sheldon."

Leonard smiled broadly. "They say that, do they?"

"So I hear," Penny said. She picked up her glass of water. "But enough about Sheldon. We're here to enjoy our evening together, so let's enjoy."

"Let's," Leonard agreed, picking up his water glass and clinking it against Penny's.

**-=o=-**

At that same moment three women were settling into their seats at a table in a Pasadena drinking establishment.

"Thank you for meeting us here," Amy said as Emily set her purse down next to her chair. "Bernadette and I thought we should have a talk about—things—before we all went on this Vegas trip."

"Thank you for inviting me," Emily said, smiling shyly. "I want this weekend to go smoothly for Raj and me as well, too."

"We do, too," Bernadette added. "That's why we thought we should talk to you about Penny."

Emily looked a little taken aback. "Oh," she said; her tone made it obvious that subject wasn't something she'd expected or wanted to talk about. "Has she said something to you about me?"

"No, nothing like that," Bernadette said quickly. "It's just that we know the two of you don't get along."

"Don't get along at _all_," Amy added, staring off into space, almost like she was speaking to herself.

"Right," Bernadette said, hoping Amy would stop speaking. "We just wanted to point out that the thing between her and Raj is over."

"_So_ over," Amy muttered.

"And Penny is engaged to Leonard now," Bernadette continued. "There's really nothing to worry about between the two of them."

"Unless you dump Raj like his last girlfriend did," Amy put in. "That hit him so hard he started talking to women even _without_ being plastered! Imagine that!" she snorted, laughing. "I still want to dissect his brain," she added, talking to herself again.

Both Emily and Bernadette were giving Amy odd looks. Emily turned back to Bernadette. "Look, I get it," she said quietly. "Penny's been your friend a long time and I'm the new girl here. I'm not supposed to make waves."

"Oh, it's not that," Amy said. "I was the new girl before you and everyone welcomed me into the group. Well, except for Leonard, who was a bit of a stick-in-the-mud about it," she muttered.

"Oh, that's not true, is it?" Bernadette asked, a big smile plastered across her face to hide her annoyance with Amy. "Leonard's a great guy. Just ask Penny—she'll tell you."

"Well, that's kind of the problem, Bernadette," Amy said, and Bernadette recognized the signs of Amy going into "Sheldon Mode"—a state where she became condescending and arrogant about her neuro-scientific knowledge. "Penny's feelings for Leonard have blinded her to his faults, to the point where she thinks there is nothing he can do wrong. I mean, have you ever seen someone who is as blithely unaware of their significant other's faults as Penny is?"

Bernadette was silent for several seconds. "I suppose not," she finally said, biting her tongue in front of Emily on the obvious retort.

"Well, there you go," Amy shrugged. "Case closed."

Bernadette's phone beeped. She pulled it out of her purse. "Oh," she said, disappointed. "Penny just texted me," she said. "Leonard can't go to Vegas this weekend, so she's staying home, too."

"Oh no," Amy looked unhappy. "She said she was going to teach me to gamble! Now what'll I do this weekend?" She slumped, looking morose.

"Well, we _are_ going to Vegas," Bernadette reminded her, her voice turning sarcastic. "I'm sure there are a _few other things_ you can do while we're there, maybe even with Sheldon!"

"I don't know," Amy said, doubtfully. "Sheldon said he was planning on spending the entire weekend at the Pinball Hall of Fame."

"Well," Emily said, downing the last of her drink. "I think we're done here for now." She turned to Bernadette. "Raj and I will be at your apartment at 8 tomorrow morning. Then we'll all meet at the Mirage around noon for lunch and to check-in to our rooms."

"That's the plan," Bernadette agreed. "I guess Amy can drive if Leonard and Penny aren't going." All three of them stood. "See you tomorrow," she said to Emily, who nodded and left.

Bernadette watched her leave. "I wonder if Penny decided not to go because of her," she said, thinking out loud.

"It's probably Leonard," Amy surmised. "Ever since they got engaged the poor girl's been in his thrall. So sad," she said, picking up her purse as Bernadette dropped some bills on the table for their drinks, and they left, too.

**-=o=-**

"I don't think I can go," Sheldon Cooper said, suitcase in hand, beige and tan jacket on his thin frame, standing in the living room of apartment 4A at 2311 N. Los Robles. "In fact," he added, setting down the suitcase. "I _know_ I can't."

"Sheldon!" Leonard, sitting at his desk, spun in his chair to face his roommate. "It's okay. I don't need your help to write up my proposal."

"You may not _think_ you do, Leonard," Sheldon retorted knowingly. "But you do."

"Sheldon—" Amy began.

"Now, Amy," Sheldon cut her off. "I know you had your heart set on going to Vegas, with its shady gambling dives, its gaudily-painted women, and its alcoholism-inducing free liquor, and I don't want to stand in the way of you debauching yourself, but the only thing I'm addicted to is knowledge, and lord knows Leonard needs as much help as he can get in his feeble attempts to acquire the grant money he needs to get me the knowledge I require for my dark matter research."

"Yeah, Amy," Leonard said, his tone laced with sarcasm that she would get but Sheldon would think was high praise. "Don't be hatin' on Sheldon's dark matter knowledge."

"Fine," Amy said, seeming to acquiesce. "Sheldon, I didn't want to mention this, but I have here in my purse two tickets to the Southern Nevada Railway, which I purchased online last night."

Sheldon looked at her, surprised. "A train ride? In Las Vegas?"

"Yes," Amy nodded. "And if you enjoy the ride on Saturday, we can see about going again on Sunday so you can be 'Engineer for an Hour.'"

"Oh!" Sheldon gasped. He looked at Leonard. "You're on your own, kid." He suddenly ran back into his room, returning a moment later with his engineer's cap. "Let's go!" he said, walking out of the apartment and down the stairs.

"Sorry you can't come," Amy said to Leonard.

"I am, too," Leonard said. "I was hoping to spending some time with Penny, take in a few of the shows. But it'll be okay, we'll go some other weekend."

"Good luck with your grant proposal," Amy said, then walked to the door. "Tell Penny goodbye for me," she said. "In fact, I wonder where she's at now. I thought she would be here to see us off."

"Well, I think last night she said she was going to stay up late studying," Leonard said. "She's probably sleeping in right now."

"Of course," Amy said. "Well, goodbye."

"Bye, Amy," Leonard said, turning back to his computer.

Amy closed the door to apartment 4A behind her. Instead of going down the stairs, however, she walked across the hall to 4B and knocked on the door.

Nearly a half-minute later the door opened, revealing a Penny in a T-shirt and shorts, her hair tied up and rubbing sleep from her eyes. "Amy?" she said blearily. "What's up?"

"Are you _sure_ you don't want to come with us?" Amy said, her tone almost pleading. "I really _was_ looking forward to learning how to gamble after I put Sheldon to bed."

"Sorry," Penny said, stifling a huge yawn. "I was too, but it just won't be the same without Leonard there."

"That just makes it all the easier," Amy argued. "We won't have to ditch him so we can hit the gaming tables."

"Sorry, Amy," Penny apologized. "The truth is, I'd probably come with you if Emily wasn't along as well. I'm going to go back to sleep," she said, and closed the door.

"I _knew_ it," Amy muttered. "It's that skank's fault!" She turned and walked to the stairs. "I wonder if Bernadette brought along anything that could _induce_ a case of the flu…"

**-=o=-**

By Saturday evening Leonard's grant was about two-thirds completed and Leonard was dozing in front of his computer, exhausted from working nearly non-stop for the past 12 hours. Penny had come over and made him a sandwich in the afternoon, insisting he eat something, but Leonard had remained at his computer while he ate, still working on the parameters of the tests he would design for primordial gravity wave data collection. His breathing was slow and regular as he slumped over his keyboard.

Penny, dressed in a colorful T-shirt and pants, opened the apartment door slowly. Seeing Leonard, she smiled ruefully, both proud and concerned about his dedication to getting his job done, then slipped inside and quietly shut the door. The poor sweetie probably hadn't eaten anything since the sandwich she'd made him six hours ago.

She'd come over empty-handed, but that wouldn't stop her from whipping up something for Leonard. She held out her hand, her fingers half-closed as if she were holding a cup, and a mug of hot soup appeared. "Leonard," she said softly, approaching him. "Wake up. Here's something for you to eat."

Leonard sat up. "Huh? What?" he muttered, rubbing his face tiredly.

"Here's some soup," Penny said, handing him the mug.

"Oh, thank you, sweetheart," Leonard said, sipping from the mug. He smiled up at her. "This is pretty good," he said. "What is it?"

"It's chicken tortilla soup," she said. "I thought you'd like it better than chicken noodle. You're only supposed to have that when you're sick," she added, half-joking. As Leonard sipped at the mug she asked, "So how's the grant writing going?"

"Pretty good," Leonard said, rubbing his face tiredly. "I'm almost done."

"Really?" Penny was happy to hear that. "How much longer?"

"Only about seven or eight more hours," Leonard said.

"Leonard, more eight hours of work is _not_ 'almost done.'"

"I thought I could get it done tonight," Leonard said hopefully. "Then you and I could meet everyone in Vegas tomorrow."

"It's 8 o'clock," Penny told him. "Unless you're going to work all night you won't get done until four or five in the morning. And then you're going to need to rest so you can go to work on Monday. Leonard, I don't think we're going to Vegas this weekend."

"I can do it," Leonard insisted. "I can probably wrap this up by midnight, sleep to seven or eight a.m., then we can do that 'popping out' thing you do to Vegas. You'll see," he said, setting the cup on the table, then leaning forward as he fell asleep again.

"Oh, sweetie," Penny murmured, feeling sorry that Leonard was so exhausted he was falling asleep sitting at his computer. "You really need some rest." She gestured toward him and both she and Leonard disappeared.

They appeared in his bedroom; Leonard on his bed and Penny standing next to him. She gestured again and his clothes changed to his favorite pair of pajamas. She made a sweeping motion and the cover and bedsheets slid down the bed beneath him; then, with another motion they covered him. With a final gesture his glasses rose from his face and landed on the night table next to him. "Sleep tight," she said, kissing him on the forehead.

"Thank you, Mother," Leonard murmured in his sleep.

Penny rolled her eyes and popped back to her apartment. She sat down and picked up the Book of Magic to read, but she'd been studying it all week and she wanted something else to do. She'd been practicing moving and guiding objects with her magic, and had gotten so she could make a pair of dice do whatever she wanted—she could roll any number, any combination she wanted. Idly, she picked up the pair of dice she'd been using from the coffee table, shook them in her hand, and rolled them across the table. They stopped at the very edge showing a one and a six—a natural seven. Too bad it would be wrong for her to use her power in Vegas, she thought.

She picked up the mail she'd pulled from her mailbox this morning. She'd barely glanced at it before but one of the pieces caught her attention. It was from one of her credit card companies and there was a broad red line across the front—a sure sign of a late notice. She sighed, opening the envelope and gaped at the amount due. It was well into five figures. It was going to be a long time, even on her new salary, before she could pay off this debt. She and Leonard would probably be long married before that happened, and she didn't want to burden him with problems she'd created for herself. She glanced back at the dice.

The Book of Magic had warned her that there could be consequences to using magic in the mortal world. She couldn't just cancel her credit card debt—someone at the credit card companies would notice, and there'd be inquiries for her to deal with. She might even get someone fired if they couldn't explain how Penny's credit card debt had vanished into thin air.

On the other hand, people having wins at a Vegas casino probably happened all the time. You always heard about someone striking it rich on one of the slot machines or something like that. Who would notice, really, if she won, say, 10,000 dollars over the course of an evening? Or even $20,000? Or $40,000?

No, she shouldn't be greedy, Penny decided. Ten thousand dollars in one night was plenty. She stood, spreading her arms slightly, and her clothes were instantly replaced with a dark red cocktail dress with a plunging neckline. Her feet now wore a pair of black pumps, increasing her height about three inches. A small black and silver Milly clutch she had seen in a Nordstrom's catalog completed her ensemble.

She opened the clutch and looked inside. The only thing she needed now was money. Making money out of nothing was probably not a good idea—you never knew when two bills with the same serial numbers might end up in the same hands. Both bills would be indistinguishable from real money (they both would _be_ real money), but different bills were not supposed to have the same serial numbers. Well, there was an easy answer. She snapped her fingers.

Leonard's wallet appeared in her hand. She opened it, finding two twenties and a ten inside, along with an ATM slip. Leonard had visited the bank recently. Well, she would return this money to him, _with interest_, when she returned from Vegas. She dropped the bills in her clutch, put Leonard's wallet on her coffee table, took a deep breath to mentally prepare herself to pop out, and vanished.

**-=o=-**

"I've never been so insulted in my life!" Sheldon declared as he, Amy, Howard, Bernadette, Raj and Emily left the elevator on the ground floor of the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas. "How can they _ban_ me from the Southern Nevada Railway for life?"

"In fairness, Sheldon," Amy replied pragmatically. "You did try to tell the engineer how to drive the train."

"Because he was doing it _wrong_," Sheldon insisted. "The correct signal when approaching a crossing is two long, one short, then another long. The engineer did one long, one short, then a long and a short one again! That's an entirely different signal!"

At the back of the group, Emily whispered to Raj. "Is he always like this?"

"It could be worse," Raj shrugged. "I'm surprised the hotel hasn't kicked us out yet."

"Give him time," Howard muttered. "We haven't had dinner yet."

"Speaking of dinner," Bernadette said. "Where should we eat?"

Sheldon looked around. "As Saturday is usually my laundry night, I usually have another bowl of cereal, usually from the high-fiber side of the cereal row. Which of the restaurants here serve high-fiber cereal?"

"Sheldon, come on," Howard said. "They have everything here from steaks to Starbucks, from burgers to frozen yogurt. You can have whatever you want."

"I want Raisin Bran," Sheldon said, stubbornly. Howard sighed, frustrated.

"I'll thank you to keep your mind on your own colon, my good man," Sheldon snapped, then turned and walked into the nearest restaurant to inquire about cereal availability.

"Yep, we're getting kicked out of the hotel," Howard said. The rest of the group followed Sheldon into the restaurant.

**-=o=-**

One of the things Endora had told Penny about teleporting—or "popping" as it was commonly called—was when you arrived in places where mortals were usually found it was best to arrive invisible and intangible, then materialize once you'd gotten your bearings.

So when Penny arrived in the atrium of the casino where she, Bernadette and Amy had recently tried to have a fun weekend, she was unnoticed by anyone there. Which was fortunate for her, as she staggered on her heels and nearly fell. Traveling that far in a single pop had left her weakened and dizzy. _Whoa_, she thought, moving toward a nearby empty chair and dropping into it. _That was a lot harder than I expected_. No one was looking her way so she materialized, then conjured up a glass of water to drink to steady herself.

She sat there for almost a minute before she stood and looked around for the gaming table rooms. The casino area was nearby so she took another deep breath, made sure her hair was in place, then walked through the slots and other gaming areas to the high limit lounge.

Penny stood at the entrance for several seconds, deciding what she'd like to try first. She wanted to play craps, the game she'd planned to show to Amy, but wasn't sure how long it would take her to win $10,000—craps betting other than hitting your point number mystified Penny, but as long as you didn't bet all your money on one roll it was a good game to teach to others.

"Excuse me."

Penny turned, looking at the gentleman who had appeared at her elbow with surprise. He was tall and handsome, impeccably dressed in a nicely tailored suit and holding a highball glass. "Are you waiting for someone?" the man asked her.

"No," she said, smiling automatically as years of experience had taught her to do. "Just deciding which game I'd like to play tonight."

"I would be pleased if you would join me at the roulette table," the man said, gesturing toward a nearby table. "When I saw you I had a sudden intuition that you would be lucky for me tonight."

Years of experience had also taught Penny to recognize a come-on line when she heard one. Not that it mattered much—she had no intention of doing anything except winning a lot of money for an hour or two, then heading back to Pasadena. "Aren't you sweet?" she said, deciding then and there that roulette would be her game tonight. "Yes, I will join you at the roulette table."

"Excellent," the man said. "Would you care for something to drink?" he asked, at the same time raising his hand for a server. One appeared almost immediately. He looked inquiringly at Penny.

"Oh, just—" Penny thought quickly. "A glass of champagne, please." It was one of the most expensive drinks you could order. She watched to gauge the man's reaction. He didn't bat an eye as he nodded to the waitress, who immediately headed toward the bar as the man offered his arm to escort her. She placed her hand in the crook of his arm and they walked over to the table. The wheel was European style, with a single zero; Penny had been told that the odds were slightly better on this type of table than on an American style wheel, which had both zero and double-zero slots on the wheel.

Penny's escort took out his wallet and extracted five one-hundred dollar bills, topping them on the table in front of the attendant, who took them and passed the man five stacks of white chips. He turned to her and Penny automatically smiled, not sure what she should do next. "How many chips would you like?" her escort prompted.

"Oh, right, duh!" Penny laughed, then took the $50 from her purse and put it on the table. The dealer stared at it a moment, waiting for her to put out more, then shrugged and moved a small stack of green chips in front of her. "Oh," Penny said. "Can I have the light blue ones?" she asked. The dealer nodded and took back the green chips, replacing them with light blue ones. At the same time her glass of champagne arrived; Penny sipped delicately; the champagne had a dry, pleasant taste. She could get used to this.

Her blue chips were now in front of her. All two of them. "I didn't get many chips, did I?" she said to her escort.

"They are worth $25 apiece," the man told her, smiling. "Don't worry," he added, lowering his voice. "If you lose your chips I will front you some."

"Gosh, thanks," Penny said, keeping the sarcasm out of her voice. Obviously the guy was looking to take advantage of her by getting her drunk and into his debt.

"Place your bets," the dealer said.

Penny picked up her two chips. "I think I'll put one here," she said, placing one chip on the 3 square. "And one here," she added, putting the other chip on the 31 square.

"Wait, wait," the man said.

"What?" Penny looked at him, puzzled. She'd intended to make the ball land on the 31, which would win 35 more blue chips for her. "What's wrong?"

"That's not how to bet on roulette," the man said. "You should start safe and bet on the outside."

"On the outside?" Penny repeated. "What's _that_ mean?"

"It means these spots here," the man said, indicating the row of bets on the table nearest them. There were squares marked "ODD," "EVEN," "RED," "BLACK," "1-18" and "19-36." Above these squares were three rectangles with "1ST 12," "2ND 12," and "3RD 12" in them. "This first row pays even odds," he said, "and these pay 2 to 1," indicating the second row. "These are the inside bets," the man continued, pointing to the individual numbers. "You should play the game a little before you start putting bets here."

"Oh, I see," Penny said, hiding her irritation. _I'll show him how to play this game_! she thought to herself. "Okay, I'll just put my chips here," she said, putting them both in the square marked BLACK.

"Good," the man nodded. "I will place two chips on the red square," he said. "We will see which one of us is correct." He looked at the dealer, who spun the wheel and set the ball to rolling around the edge.

As the ball began circling the wheel Penny made a subtle gesture toward it, casting her spell. The ball would now land in the exact slot she wanted.

"No more bets," the dealer said as the ball bounced around the spinning wheel. Penny and her escort watched as the ball finally settled into the slot for 31, a black number.

"Thirty-one, the winner," the dealer said, setting a marker on the number, pushing two more blue chips to Penny and collecting the gentleman's white chips from the table.

"Very good!" her escort complimented Penny, his face wearing a smile that did not reach his eyes.

"Thanks," Penny said, not paying attention to the predatory look he was giving her. She had just doubled her chips, which meant she now had a hundred bucks. That was still a long way from 10,000 dollars, but if she kept doubling her money each bet it would take only… well, it wouldn't be long until she was there, she decided.

**-=o=-**

Amy and Sheldon walked briskly out of the restaurant, both looking harried. "Sheldon," Amy said, as they came to a halt in the casino area. "They _told_ you, oatmeal is not a valid side dish for steak and lobster."

"Well, it should be," Sheldon grumbled. "It would make a perfect fiber complement to the steak's protein and the omega-3 content of the lobster."

"Be that as it may," Amy continued. "It was very rude of you to suggest they needed to redo their menu right then and there for you."

Sheldon stared at her. "Interesting," he said. "Do you consider it rude when I make suggestions about the meals you prepare for us when we have date-night at your apartment?"

"That's different," Amy said. She paused a moment, trying to decide exactly _how_ it was different. "There are only so many ways to prepare strawberry Quik," she finally said. "And I know exactly how you like your spaghetti and hot dogs."

"True, you do," Sheldon conceded. He sighed with resignation at the situation. "Well, I suppose there's nothing to do but have a slice of pizza at the Pizza Kitchen on the other side of the casino," he said, starting to walk that way.

"Hold on a second," Amy said, stopping him. "Look over there." She pointed toward the high stakes section of the casino, where a statuesque blonde in black was standing at one of the roulette tables, next to a tall, dark-haired man. "Does that look like Penny to you, Sheldon?"

"Nonsense," Sheldon said peremptorily. "Penny didn't come with us. Why would she be here when she could be happily at home instead of having to deal with snotty waiters who refuse to make what you order?"

"But that looks a lot like Penny," Amy insisted, wondering who the man next to her could be. He was too tall to be Leonard. And too handsome, see could see as the man turned to look at the blonde next to him. She glanced at him, and Amy was convinced. "That's her, Sheldon," she said. "I'd not that perfectly-shaped nose anywhere. Penny!" she called out, waving her hand in the air. "Over here!"

At the roulette table, Penny heard her name called and turned toward the sound. She saw Amy waving at her. "Oh, crap," she breathed. "I forgot! This is the hotel they were going to!"

"What is it?" her escort asked, looking where she was looking. Things were not turning out like he'd planned. Instead of losing her money right away, the blonde he'd picked up had been winning on every spin of the wheel. She had something like $6400 in chips now. "Is that someone you know?" he asked.

"Maybe," she said, thinking quickly. She needed a diversion. Amy and Sheldon were coming her way. She grabbed Tall, Dark and Creepy. "How about a quick kiss, for luck?" she said, turning him so his body was between her and Amy, and pressing her lips against his mouth. The man reacted, surprised but eager, and kissed back, trying to push his tongue between her lips. _Pig_, she thought, and dematerialized, leaving the man holding thin air. He looked around, confused, as Amy and Sheldon came up to him.

"Was there a young blonde woman here just a moment ago?" Amy asked him.

"Yes," the man said, still looking around. At the same time, unnoticed by everyone except the dealer, the blue chips on the table slid across the table to a spot near the dealer's elbow. He watched, fascinated, as they stopped next to him.

"Can you cash me out?" The dealer jerked as he realized the blonde was now crouched down behind the table next to him. "And snap it up," she added. "I'm in a hurry." Nodding, the dealer began converting the roulette chips to casino chips.

"Well, where did she go?" Amy was asking the man she'd seen with Penny. "She was just here."

"I thought—" the man looked around again. He'd been _holding_ her, and suddenly she wasn't there! "I don't—"

"Amy, come on," Sheldon said, disparagingly. "It's obvious too much alcohol has addled his wits."

"No!" the man said. "She was _here _… somewhere…"

"Can't I get cash?" Penny whispered, still hiding behind the table.

"Sorry," the dealer said, also in a whisper, though he didn't understand why. "You have to cash out your chips at the cashier's cage."

"Fine," Penny muttered. She reached over the edge of the table and grabbed her chips.

Amy caught the motion and saw the arm withdraw back over the edge of the table. "Penny!" she said. "It's Amy! Come out from behind—" She went around behind the table but there was nobody there but the dealer, who looked at her and shrugged.

Penny, who'd dematerialized as soon as she was out of sight, was walking invisibly across the casino to the cashier's window. She walked up to a window, materialized and dropped the chips in front of her. "Cashing out, please," she said in a hurried tone.

The girl behind the window evidently didn't share Penny's idea of haste. She scooped up the chips, stacking them slowly and carefully, then began counting them. "Hurry, please," Penny said, glancing behind her toward the high stakes area, where she could see Amy and Sheldon turn and start walking her way. She turned back, hunched her shoulders to hide her blonde hair as much as possible, and hoped the girl would hurry the hell up.

"I.D. please," the girl said in a bored tone.

"Oh my God, _why_?" Penny huffed. "It's only a few chips!"

"It's 6400 dollars," the girl said. "We have to report it."

"Fine," Penny snapped. "Here." She pulled her driver's license out of her purse and slapped it on the window counter. The girl took it with a look of _what's-her-problem_ at Penny and stuck it in a scanner.

Across the casino, Amy and Sheldon were walking out of the high stakes area. "I could have sworn I saw her," Amy was saying, mostly to herself. Sheldon was looking carefully at her.

"I think a slice of pepperoni and beef would be nice, don't you?" he asked.

"What?" Amy said, distracted by the _non sequitur_.

"Pizza," Sheldon clarified. He snapped his fingers to bring Amy out of her apparent trance. "Come on, Amy, your mind is a million miles away from the problem at hand."

"Sheldon, I'm sure I saw Penny," Amy insisted. "I'm _sure_ of it…" she repeated, looking away. "_There_ she is!" she suddenly exclaimed, pointing toward the cashier's window where a short-haired blonde woman in a black dress stood, her back to them. "Come on!"

"Oh, what fresh H-E-double toothpicks is this now?" Sheldon muttered as Amy grabbed his hand and dragged him after her.

At the window, the cashier handed Penny her I.D., 64 100-dollar bills, and a receipt identifying the money as gambling winners. "There you are, ma'am," cashier said. "Have a pleasant day."

"Thanks," Penny said, preparing to dematerialize. Just as she'd stuffed her license and the money in her purse, a hand fell on her shoulder.

"Penny, is that you?" Amy's voice said, in a quivering tone.

_Crap crap crap_! She couldn't be caught here! But what could she do? What kind of spell could she cast to get herself out of this? If she dematerialized now she might take Amy with her, and how would she explain _that_?  
There was one thing she might do—Penny hoped she wouldn't screw up the spell. One of the spells in the Book of Magic was a Switching Spell—she could switch places with another person and herself. Penny immediately snapped her fingers, concentrating on the spell, and switched places with the creep who'd been trying to get her drunk and broke.

"Turn around," Amy demanded, pulling on the person's shoulder, and found herself face-to-face with the man they'd left back at the roulette table. "You?" she exclaimed. "What happened to the blonde?"

"How-how did I get here?" the man muttered. "I was over—" he looked around, realizing he was on the other side of the casino now.

Back at the casino table, the dealer looked up from the table, expecting to see the man who'd been trying to scam the hot blonde who'd won over $6000 in just a few minutes. "No more bets—" he trailed off as the hot blonde was standing there again, and no sign of the guy.

"Hi again," she said, smiling uncomfortably. "Just making sure I had my purse," she explained.

"It's in your hand," the dealer said, pointing to it.

"Oh, right," Penny held it up as if she'd just remembered. "Thanks! Bye." She turned and walked off briskly, seeming to literally vanish and she walked into the crowds of people in the casino.

The dealer shook his head, then pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and dialed a quick number. "I need a break," he told his pit boss. "_Now_."

**-=o=-**

The trip back home to Pasadena was slower than the trip to Vegas had been. For one thing, Penny wasn't going to try to make it back in one pop. She remembered a cafe she, Amy and Bernadette had stopped in on their way back from Vegas the last time they'd gone. It was a little Mexican place on the east side of Barstow, California, about halfway between Vegas and Pasadena. She'd aimed for it, and arrived feeling a bit winded by better than trying to go the whole way.

Since she was there, and had some extra money, she decided to have dinner. She got a table and ordered a vegetarian enchilada and a margarita. Why not? She wasn't driving, so to speak.

The margarita was gone and she was into her second one when the entrée arrived. She thanked the server and was digging into the enchilada when her cell phone rang. She fished it out of her purse. "Hello?"

"Penny?" It was Amy. "Where are you?"

Penny made a face. "I'm at home," she said. "Where else would I be at this time of night?"

"You won't believe this," Amy said excitedly. "But I saw someone here in Vegas who looked just like you!"

"You did, huh?" Penny said, feigning interest. "Wow, lucky girl," she joked, knowing what Amy thought of her looks.

"It was uncanny," Amy went on. "Whoever we saw, she was with some guy in the high stakes room of the casino, playing roulette."

"You don't say," Penny murmured, taking a long drink from her margarita. "Was she winning?"

"I couldn't tell," Amy said. "Sheldon didn't believe me. He's calling Leonard now to check on you."

"Good idea," Penny said, taking a bite of the enchilada. "Except Leonard's probably asleep by—_what did you say_?" She spit out the enchilada as she realized what Amy had said.

"Sheldon's calling Leonard now."

"_Right now_?" "Penny demanded. "Tell Sheldon not to call him! Abort! Abort!"

"Sheldon!" Penny heard Amy call out. "Don't wake Leonard—oh, he already answered? He's going to check on her now?" Amy turned back to her cell. "This is amusing, you should see Leonard any second now… Penny? Penny?"

But Penny was gone from the restaurant, leaving a hundred-dollar bill for the twenty-dollar meal. She appeared, invisible, in her living room.

Leonard was standing in the open doorway, looking around. "Penny?" he called out. "Are you here? Penny?"

Penny popped into her bedroom. Thank god the door was closed! She snapped her fingers, replacing her black dress with a nightgown, slippers taking the place of her heels. She ran her hands through her hair, disheveling it, then opened the door and said sleepily. "Leonard, sweetie, is that you?"

"Hi," Leonard said, coming over to her as she stepped into the room. "I just got a weird call from Sheldon," he told her. "He said Amy thinks she saw you in Vegas, with another man. I told him that was silly." He gave her a wary look. "It _is_ silly, isn't it?"

"Of course it's silly," she said, smoothing her hair down again.

"Good," Leonard said. He looked down. "So," he asked slowly. "What's that in your hand?"

Penny looked down as well. She was still holding the Milly clutch purse in her hands. "Oh, just a little something I saw in a Nordstrom's catalog," she said casually. "Nice, isn't it?"

"Um, yeah," Leonard agreed. "I, ah, have another question." He walked over to the coffee table, where he'd seen his wallet sitting there. He picked it up, showing it to her. "I don't remember leaving this here," he said.

"Well, of course you don't," Penny said, with a forced laugh. "If you remembered you'd still have it with you."

"That's not what I meant," Leonard said, in a no-nonsense tone. "There's something funny going on here. And when I say that, I don't mean ha-ha funny. I mean hocus-pocus funny." He stared at her, his expression telling her he would brook no cute excuses this time.

"Okay, fine," Penny said, in a resigned voice. "I was in Vegas earlier."

"What for?" Leonard asked. "You didn't have to sneak off—I didn't mind if you went."

"I know that, Leonard," she said, walking around and sitting on the sofa. He joined her, waiting to hear her explanation. "It's just—" she closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead as if it was suddenly hurting. "Emily was going, and you weren't, and I really didn't want to go if you weren't going.

"But then I realized how easy it would be to make a little money in the casino using my magic," she went on. "I didn't want to tell you how snowed under I am with credit card debt. I don't want you to be burdened by that once we're married. I thought I could get it paid off…" Penny trailed off, tears starting to form in her eyes. She hadn't meant to break down in front of Leonard, but—

"Hey, it's okay," Leonard murmured. "I already guessed about the credit cards," he said, smiling.

"How?" she asked, curious.

"Well, you _did_ ask me about whether that was something we should talk about before we got married," he reminded her. "It wasn't that hard to figure out."

She smiled wryly. "I guess not," she agreed.

"Plus," he admitted. "I steamed open one of your statements…"

"Leonard!"

"Sorry, sorry," Leonard quickly apologized. "To be honest I needed an idea of where you were, financially."

She nodded, mollified by the apology. "Well, I'm not as bad off as I was this morning," she said excitedly. "Lookit!" she opened her purse and took out her Vegas winnings, showing it to him.

Leonard took the money, fanning it out and goggling at the hundred-dollar bills. "There must be thousands here!" he said, awed.

"Sixty-four hundred!" Penny beamed. "Well, sixty-three—I left a hundred for a meal in a restaurant in Barstow."

"A hundred dollars?" Leonard gulped. "That must've been a hell of a meal!"

"I didn't have time to wait for change," Penny said. "I was trying to get home before you found out I wasn't here."

Leonard managed a laugh. "So you finally paid for a meal," he joked. "Too bad I wasn't there to see _that_."

"You might find out soon than you think," Penny warned him, taking back the $6300 and waving it at him before dropping it in her purse. "Now that I've got some extra spending cash."

"I thought that was to pay off your credit card bills," he reminded her.

"Some of it," Penny muttered. "And maybe a celebratory new pair of shoes for my new job."

"You know you have to pay taxes on that money," Leonard reminded her.

"I remember," Penny said, having already been reminded of that earlier that night. "I'll just win more to pay for the extra taxes."

"Yeah," Leonard hedged. "Well, I wonder if that's a good idea."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the casinos are going to pay attention whenever they lose large sums of money," Leonard explained. "They're going to study what happened and keep video records of people they see in situations like that."

"They've got _video_ of me?" Penny exclaimed. "I never saw any cameras!"

"They're well-hidden," Leonard said. "Anyway, if they see the same person winning large amounts of money from them, they're going to ask you to leave whenever they see you. They probably won't let you into the hotel at all."

"Well, then I just won't be the same person all the time," Penny said stubbornly. Her hair suddenly changed from her current short cut back to shoulder length. "Easy-peasy," she said, using Leonard's term. "I can even do this." Her blonde hair became flaming red. "Sort of the Scarlett Johansson/Black Widow look."

Leonard's breath caught for a moment. "N-nice," he said, smiling nervously.

Penny grinned at him. "You like?"

"It's—" Leonard swallowed before continuing. "It's an interesting look for you," he said. Unconsciously he wriggled his hips to relieve some pressure he was feeling below the waist.

The motion didn't escape Penny's notice. "Well," she said, sidling up to him and running her hand down his side. "Maybe we can get away sometime, just the two of us, up to Vegas for a cozy weekend together, you and 'Scarlett' here."

"That—that would be very nice," Leonard said, his voice trembling. Penny kissed him on the lips, then again, and they came together for a longer, deeper kiss.

Leonard's phone rang.

He pulled it out of his pocket on the third ring. "Yeah?" he said past Penny's lips.

"Leonard?" Sheldon's voice came over the line, sounding anxious. "You never called back. Was Penny there?"

"She's here…" Leonard said.

"Are you sure?" Sheldon asked. "Amy was quite sure it was her—"

"She's here, Sheldon," Leonard said. "I'll talk to you later."

"But—" Sheldon's voice cut off in mid-protest as Leonard shut off his phone and tossed it on the sofa.

**-=o=-**

Sunday afternoon Leonard and Penny were in his and Sheldon's apartment watching _The Avengers_ when the door opened and Sheldon and Amy entered. "You're back!" Penny exclaimed, smiling as they dropped Sheldon's luggage on the living room floor.

"Yes, we're back," Sheldon said in a condescending tone. "And thank you, Penny, for taking the pressure off Leonard to once again state the obvious."

"Sheldon," Amy warned. "Don't take your bad mood out on Penny and Leonard. It's not their fault you couldn't be 'Engineer for an Hour' this morning."

"You're right, Amy," Sheldon agreed. "I shouldn't blame them. I blame you."

"Me?" Amy said, surprised.

"Yes!" Sheldon continued relentlessly. "If you hadn't booked those tickets for Saturday I wouldn't have been banned that day and could have been Engineer for an Hour on Sunday!"

"Yeah, Amy," Penny said. "Don't be hatin' on engineers."

"So where are Raj and Howard?" Leonard asked.

"Howard and Bernadette took Rajesh and Emily back to their apartment, where his car was," Amy said.

"So," Penny asked casually. "Did any of them see this woman who looked like me?"

"No," Amy said, in a disappointed tone. "They were still having dinner. It was uncanny," she said to Penny. "I could have sworn it was you!"

"Well, like I said before," Penny laughed, "lucky girl!"

"That reminds me," Sheldon looked up suddenly at Leonard. "Did you finish your grant proposal, Leonard?"

"Finished it this morning," Leonard said, proudly. "I'll turn it in tomorrow morning. I think it's some of my best work."

"Yes, well…" Sheldon made a shrugging gesture. "Hope springs eternal in the human breast. Even yours, Leonard."

"Thank you, Sheldon!" Leonard said, annoyed at Sheldon's condescension.

"You're welcome, Leonard," Sheldon answered, as usual blithely unaware.

"Well, I should head for home," Amy said, standing slowly and picking up her coat and purse. "I'm beat." She looked slyly at Sheldon. "Unless, someone was willing to let me sleep here tonight…"

"You can use my bed if you want," Leonard offered. Amy, Sheldon and Penny all turned to look at him in surprise. "I _meant_," Leonard hastily clarified. "Amy could sleep in my bed and I could sleep at Penny's."

"Thank you, Leonard," Amy said. "I _was_ hoping for an offer from Sheldon, however." She smiled at her boyfriend. "I believe our Relationship Agreement does allow for such sleepovers when the situation warrants it," she added.

Sheldon was still for several seconds. "Of course, Amy," he said at last. "You may sleep here tonight if you wish."

"Really?" both Penny and Leonard gasped, stunned by what Sheldon had said.

"Really?" Amy said, excitement in her voice as her loins started to quiver.

"Yes, really," Sheldon agreed. He gestured to the couch. "Knock yourself out." He then turned and walked down the hall to his bedroom.

Amy sighed. "Not exactly what I had in mind," she muttered. "But it's a start."

**-=o=-**


	4. The Boyfriend Regression Test

.

**Episode Four**

**The Boyfriend Regression Test**

_Updated_ 12/6/2014

-=o=-

"I hear congratulations are in order, Leonard," Howard said as they sat down for lunch in the Cal Tech cafeteria.

"Yeah," Leonard agreed, beaming happily. "I got the grant to study primordial gravity waves. It's pretty exciting."

"Not really," Sheldon sniffed, his tone of voice dripping disapproval. "Considering that the finding of the team that discovered the waves are now considered suspect and could be completely wrong."

"We're not completely sure about that yet," Leonard pointed out defensively.

"_You're_ not completely sure," Sheldon said. "I, on the other hand, have no doubt that the team that made the discovery was wrong in its conclusions. Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster for my dark matter research!"

"I wouldn't worry about it, Sheldon," Raj said. "Even if the Bicep2 team is wrong, they can collect new data and try again." He looked at Leonard. "That's what you're planning to do, isn't it?"

"I hope so," Leonard nodded. "I just hope I don't have to do it like the original team did—at the South Pole!"

Howard looked up from his salad. "Well, Leonard, if you do end up going to the South Pole, remember _not_ ask any of us to go with you. _One_ trip to a polar region was enough for me."

"May I remind you, we did _not_ go to the actual North Pole," Sheldon interjected. "We went to the _magnetic_ North Pole—the two locations are not identical."

"Magnetic-shmagnetic," Howard joked. "Wherever it was, I nearly froze my tookus off. No _way_ I'm going someplace like that again!"

"I'm not too keen on the idea, either," Leonard agreed. "But you have to admit, it would be exciting if we could go to the South Pole. Just think, we would be among the few people ever to visit both the top and bottom of the world!"

"Assuming that you aren't betrayed and lied to while you're there," Sheldon added, eyeing the other three men with him.

"Are you _ever_ going to let that go?" Leonard moaned. "We already apologized for doing that." Leonard, Howard and Raj had sabotaged Sheldon's monopole experiment by running a can opener to make it appear like they were receiving positive monopole readings. When they returned to Cal Tech Sheldon claimed he'd made a breakthrough in string theory, only to retract it after learning the truth. He was so humiliated that he briefly quit the university and ran home to Texas.

"I have gotten past it, Leonard, but we Texans have long memories. Especially those of us who have eidetic memories," Sheldon reminded him, tapping his temple significantly.

"Hey, everybody," a new voice caught their attention. It was Leslie Winkle, carrying a food tray with a salad plate on it. "How's it going?" she asked.

"Leslie!" Leonard exclaimed, smiling at her. "What are you doing here at the university?" A few years ago Leslie had taken a job at Lawrence Berkley Labs, in Berkley, California.

Leslie still kept her dark hair curly and wore black-rimmed glasses similar to Leonard's, but she was wearing a business dress, quite unlike her regular attire of jeans, a hoodie and sneakers. "Dr. Gablehauser asked me to come down and talk to him about rejoining the physics department to work on gravity wave and dark matter experiments."

"Really?" Leonard said, surprised. He pointed to an empty chair at their table. "Do you want to sit down?"

Leslie took the chair and looked at Howard. "I heard you got married," she said. "How'd _that_ happen?"

Howard smiled. "I guess I just met the right woman," he told her.

"Huh," Leslie said. "Someone willing to have sex with you who _isn't_ your second cousin?" she surmised.

"No—I mean, _yes_!" Howard looked uncomfortable but Leslie had already returned to her plate, digging into her salad. "But have you heard that Leonard's engaged now?" Howard continued, to divert attention away from himself.

Leslie looked up at him, then glanced at Sheldon. "What, you mean you two finally decided to make it official?"

Sheldon looked puzzled by that comment, but Leonard shook his head. "No, Leslie. I'm engaged to Penny. You remember her?"

"Sure," Leslie nodded. "The blonde who kept dumping you. So how did you manage to swing that deal? You paying off all of her credit cards or something?"

"Very funny," Leonard retorted. "We've been together for a few years now, and we finally decided to tie the knot."

"Well, congratulations," Leslie said. "I hope she and your money will be very happy together." Leonard nodded at the congratulations, then did a double-take as he processed what Leslie added.

"Here's something that will surprise you," Howard was saying to her. He glanced at Sheldon. "Sheldon has a girlfriend."

"Oh, really?" Leslie glanced at Sheldon, who was now gazing back at her with undisguised annoyance. "Did you finally finish the Lisatronic 3000?"

"Nooo," Howard said. "She's a real person named Amy Farrah Fowler. She has a doctorate in neuroscience and she's currently working on a project for the university."

"Well, congratulations Sheldon," Leslie said to him, sounding sincere.

Sheldon appeared taken aback. "Well," he said stiffly. "Thank you, Leslie."

"You're welcome. You'll have to invite me over when your pubes finally come in so we can see what happens between the two of you."

"I—" Sheldon cut himself off as he realized Leslie was mocking him. "Oh, yeah? Well, I won't invite you _now_."

"Aw, too bad," Leslie said, not sounding disappointed. "Now the world will never know." She glanced at her watch. "Oh shoot, it's later than I thought— I've got to get over to Gablehauser's office, he's taking the afternoon to show me the new lab the university is building. That's where I'll be working if I take the job," she added as she got to her feet, picking up her tray. "Gentlemen," she said, nodding at them. "Sheldon," she added, and walked away.

"That will be interesting," Howard commented to Leonard. "Having Leslie back at the university, I mean." He looked around at the other guys, especially Raj. "Now, if things don't work out with Emily—as history suggest they won't—you finally have a shot at her, Raj."

"Don't be silly," Raj said, sounding hurt. "Emily and I are very happy together. "She's invited me over this weekend for a _Nightmare on Elm Street_ marathon."

"Really?" Howard looked skeptical. "When we tried to watch the first movie a few years ago you ran and hid in the bathroom for the entire second half."

"That was the old Raj," Raj insisted. "I'm much more worldly now."

"How many of those movies are there?" Leonard asked.

"Well, there's the first seven," Raj counted them off on his fingers. "Then there's _Freddy vs. Jason_ and then the 2010 reboot."

"Well, that ought to last the two of you all night," Howard quipped.

"Oh, the horror," Sheldon moaned. "The horror…"

"Come on, Sheldon, those movies aren't _that_ bad," Howard told him.

Sheldon looked confused. "I was referring to Leslie Winkle returning to work at the university—I don't know what _you're_ talking about."

-=o=-

At her desk at Zangen Pharmaceuticals, Penny was pouring over her region chart and sales itineraries. She had quite a few office visits to make in the next few days and she wanted to keep the time she spent traveling to a minimum.

Being a rep was harder than she expected. The money was good—much better than the Cheesecake Factory—but she was constantly "on," having to speak to dozens of doctors over the course of a normal week. And the amount of information she had to memorize! It was fortunate that she had become a witch about the same time she'd gotten this job, or she would be overwhelmed with the sheer amount of drug dosages, statistics and side effects she had to keep track of! Dan, her supervisor, had come close to not hiring her, and she could see why now: most reps had a college degree, usually in a biology or biochemistry degree, and were super-driven to achieve. She had gotten this job because Bernadette had browbeat him into interviewing her, and both she and Dan had only done it because they were afraid to tell her no!

Well, things had worked out for the best, for now.

Penny's phone rang. It was Kelly, the office receptionist. "Penny, there's a lady here to see you."

She wasn't expecting Bernadette or Amy. "Who is it?" she asked.

"She says her name is Serena," Kelly said. "She says she just dropping by to say hello to her cousin."

"I don't have any cousins named—" Penny cut herself off. "Oh, uh, better send her in. No, it's okay, I remember now." She put the phone down, wondering what weirdness was going to happen next.

A pretty brunette walked into her apartment, fashionably dressed and accessorized. "Hello, cuz," she said, flashing a beautiful smile. "I'm Serena. I just heard you've become one of the family and I wanted to pop in and welcome you."

"Hi!" Penny said, standing. "It's good to meet you. When I first met Maurice I didn't realize how many relatives I had."

"Oh, my dear," Serena chuckled. "We've barely broken the surface! We have so much to catch up on—how about having lunch together? I know a perfectly divine little French restaurant that you've simply _got_ to try!"

"Um, okay," Penny said, glancing at her desk full of work. "I suppose I can get away for a little bit. Is your car here?"

"Car?" Serena looked amused. "Aren't you forgetting? We don't _need_ cars."

"Of course. Duh!" Penny smacked her forehead. She went over and closed her office door. "But we have to be careful," she cautioned. "Nobody here knows I'm a—you know, a witch."

Serena rolled her eyes. "I don't know why you even bother with a menial job like this, cousin. There's so much more you could be doing!"

"I like it," Penny told her. "I'm still kind of new to the witchy stuff—I've only been one a couple of months now."

"Yes," Serena said. "Endora told me. In that case, perhaps you'll let me do the honors for our trip." With a snap of her fingers they both vanished.

They reappeared near a sidewalk café filled with people walking by. Penny looked around, finding her surroundings unfamiliar. "Where in Pasadena is this?" she asked.

"In Pasadena?" Serena smiled. "Nowhere. This is Paris."

"Paris? Oh my God!" Penny whirled around, taking in the sights. They were in a plaza—there was a tall column nearby, with a winged figure standing on top of it. "What's that?"

"Oh, that old thing?" Serena sniffed. "Just some old monument the mortals put up for one of their wars or something. Pay it no mind." She pointed to the café behind them. "Now here's that little restaurant I was telling you about!"

They sat down at one of the tables as a waiter brought them menus. "Um," Penny muttered, looking at the menu. "I don't speak French."

Serena looked up from her menu with raised eyebrows. "Why not?"

Penny looked puzzled. "What do you mean, 'why not?' I never learned to speak French. Well, except for words like _merde_ and _salope_, that I heard from the French club in high school."

"My dear, you can speak any language you want," Serena told her. "You're a witch, remember? It's simple, really. My goodness, you _are_ new at this, aren't you?" She made a gesture at Penny. "Try it now."

"_Que dois-je dire_?" Penny asked. Then, "Wow, _je parle français_!"

"_Très bon_!" Serena said. "_Je vous ai dit que ce était simple_!"

The waiter came and took their orders. "I guess I am really new at this," Penny said ruefully after he'd gone. "How long have you been a witch, Serena?"

"All my life," Serena smiled. "I suppose that's why I'm so good at it."

"I mean, how many years?"

"Ah-ah!" Serena shook a finger at her. "A witch never reveals her age. When you've been at this as long as I have, cousin, you'll understand why."

"I suppose," Penny said, pondering what Serena had said. The Book of Magic implied that witches and warlocks lived very long lives, over hundreds of years. "Can I ask you something?" she said to Serena.

"Of course you can," Serena answered. "Whether I answer or not is up for grabs, though."

"Okay, well here goes. You know my fiancé Leonard is mortal?"

Serena was nodding. "Endora mentioned you were engaged. Although she said your fiancé's name was Leopold."

"It's Leonard," Penny said. "Anyway, what happens if we get married and are together for 50 years—how am I going to look then?"

Serena studied her a moment. "I suppose it depends on what your hair color preference is at the time."

"I'm serious!" Penny said. "Won't I get old?"

Serena shrugged. "You can look like whatever you want, I suppose. But really, Penny—in 50 years you don't even know if you and Leopold will still _be_ married."

"It's _Leonard_," Penny said again. Their meals came and they each took a bite of their entrée. "And of course we'll be married!" Penny went on. "Marriage is forever. Isn't it?"

"It can seem like forever, from what I've heard," Serena muttered. "But I've never taken the plunge, so I can't say."

"You've never been married?"

"Oh, heavens no!" Serena laughed. "Life's too short. Well, relatively, anyway, and there are too many men out there to tie myself down to one. Men are so fickle, anyway."

"Well, Leonard's not that way," Penny said, matter-of-factly.

"Oh, honey, they all are," Serena said. "_Especially_ mortals."

"Not Leonard," Penny insisted. "He's just incapable of cheating. He's tried, and he sucks at it. He could barely cheat on me when we _weren't_ together."

"If you say so." Serena was becoming bored. She dabbed at her lips with a napkin, then dropped it carelessly on her half-finished plate. "How about some shopping? I hear the new outfits are to die for this season."

"Well, I should be getting back to work…"

"Party pooper," Serena pouted. "We'll only be a few minutes, cousin."

"Well…" Penny shrugged. "I _would_ like to see what they've got going on here in shoes. Okay, why not?" She began to open her purse. "Do you think they take VISA here?"

"My treat, cousin," Serena said, reaching over and closing Penny's purse. "But you're on your own for the shoes you buy." They popped out, leaving a small stack of francs on the table.

Across the plaza, another witch watched as the pair disappeared. _This is an interesting development_, she thought to herself. _So Penny thinks her fiancé won't cheat on her? We'll just see about that_. She vanished as well.

-=o=-

The next morning, Leonard arrived at his lab, sipping on a cup of coffee he'd picked up at Starbucks on his way in, and began setting up the equipment for the day's experiments. The faint odor of ozone began to waft through the room as power supplies warmed up and energy began building up in his lasers. Leonard looked around the room, remembering the times when Penny had come by to see where he worked and they ended up having sex together. A smile came over his lips; those were very happy (and pleasurable!) memories. He opened his log books and began jotting down readings from his equipment.

There was a knock on the door. It was Dr. Gablehauser and Leslie Winkle. "Dr. Hofstadter," Gablehauser said. "I'm sure you remember Dr. Winkle."

"Of course," Leonard said, taking off his goggles and walking over to join them. "Glad to see you again, Dr. Winkle." They shook hands in a formal way as Leonard tried not to remember the other ways he had held her.

"Glad to see you again, Dr. Hofstadter," Leslie said, equally formal.

"The physics department is thinking of bringing Dr. Winkle back to assist in some of the experiments we'll be doing on dark matter and gravitational waves," Dr. Gablehauser said.

"Ah," Leonard said, pretending he'd only just heard this. "It will be good having you here again, Dr. Winkle."

"Thanks," Leslie said. "It will be a good change of pace—you can only make weaponized uranium for so long before it starts to get boring."

"Ah, right," Gablehauser said, not sure whether she was joking or not. "Well, I have a few things to take care of before we meet again, Dr. Winkle. Dr. Hofstadter, I'll leave Dr. Winkle in your capable hands while I'm busy. Dr. Winkle, I'll see you in an hour in my office." They both nodded and Dr. Gablehauser left.

Now alone, Leonard smiled at Leslie, though there was a bit of tension in his features. Leslie must have sensed it, because she said, "I hope things won't be too uncomfortable for you if I come back, Leonard. Given our history together, that is. I mean, you _did_ try to engage me in recreational sex the last time we saw one another, and I shut the door in your face."

"Oh, that," Leonard waved off the idea. "No, it's fine. I understand. I was just—things were just—I don't know…"

"Penny had just used you for casual sex and then dumped you again," Leslie said, dispassionately. "And you were trying the same thing on me."

"Well…" Leonard tried to think of another way to spin that, and failed. "I guess."

"It's no big deal, I understand," Leslie shrugged. "I suppose that little brain between your legs was doing your thinking for you back then."

"Well, I wouldn't put it _quite_ that way…" Leonard equivocated.

"How would you put it, then?" Leslie wanted to know.

"Um, well…" Leonard thought furiously for several seconds. "I suppose like—like you said. But things are different now," he went on. "I'm engaged to Penny and we're going to be married."

"Yeah, I remember, you told me yesterday," Leslie said, smiling. "So when are you two tying the knot?  
"Soon," Leonard said. "Soon. Probably in—in a year or so, when her brother can attend the wedding."

"You mean when he gets out of prison for selling meth," Leslie surmised.

Leonard frowned. "How do you _know_ all this stuff?" he asked her.

"I read Howard's tweets," Leslie said, taking out her phone. "See, he's got a #_leonardandpenny_ hashtag of everything going on with you two." She showed him the tweets.

"Oh, so he does," Leonard said, forcing a smile as he read some of what Howard had tweeted about him and Penny. "I'll have to talk to him about that," he muttered, with controlled irritation. "So, Leslie," he went on. "Would you like to have a look around the lab?"

"It doesn't look too different from three years ago," Leslie noted, glancing around. "How about something to drink?"

"Oh, sure." Leonard hurried over to a corner of the lab, where a portable coffee maker was set up. There was fresh coffee in the pot; one to the technicians had probably made it when they came in that morning. Leonard found a Styrofoam cup and poured coffee into it.

Unnoticed by either Leonard or Leslie, the top of Leonard's Starbucks coffee cup came off and a bit of liquid was poured in from an invisible source. The top went back on just as Leonard came by, grabbing his cup as he brought Leslie's coffee to her. "Well," Leonard said, trying to be gracious, "here's to you rejoining our department." They tapped cups and drank.

"Mmm," Leslie said, looking in her cup. "That's awful."

"Sorry," Leonard apologized. "Was it too strong?"

"No, about the same as it's always been. How's yours?"

"It's—" Leonard blinked as a strange sensation ran through his body. He looked up at Leslie, seeing the most beautiful woman he had ever beheld in his entire life. All thoughts of Penny fled before Leslie's loveliness. "It's _beautiful_," Leonard finished, dreamily.

"Excuse me?" Leslie said, confused.

"_You're_ beautiful," Leonard said, setting down his cup and taking hold of her. "Leslie, I love you!"

"I—" for once Leslie was at a loss. "Uh, Leonard," she said, trying to wriggle free of his arms. "I know I'm the closest thing to an equal you'll ever find, but I—I don't think we're in the same place here."

"We're together now, aren't we?" Leonard asked, trying to press his lips to hers. She turned her head so he caught her on the cheek.

"I mean," she went on, trying to push him away. "You're a string theory man and I'm into loop quantum gravity. I don't think things will work—out—for us!" She finally managed to disengage from his grasp. "What the hell's got into you?"

"Love," Leonard said. "Love's gotten into me. I finally realize how much I love you, Leslie. I've always loved you!" He started to move toward her again.

She took a step back. "What about Penny?"

"A penny?" Leonard said. "I'd give everything for you, Leslie!"

"I mean your fiancée!" Leslie shouted, starting to freak out. "I always thought Sheldon was a dumbass, but you've gone completely nuts!"

"I am nuts for you, Leslie," Leonard took another step toward her.

Leslie grabbed a small helium-argon laser off a nearby counter, holding it between them. "Another step and I'll drop it! I'm warning you…"

"It doesn't matter." Leonard kept advancing. "I'd destroy every laser in this room if it meant I could have you, my love. Say you'll be mine!"

Desperate, Leslie tossed the laser at Leonard and ran. Leonard automatically caught the laser. "Wait! Where are you going?" he called after her. "We have to plan our life together! How many children do you want?!"

-=o=-

Penny pulled into a medical office building in Altadena, north of Pasadena, hoping to get in one more office visit before lunch. It had been a hectic morning and she was a bit frazzled from trying to get doctors to pay less attention to her body and more attention to the drugs she was selling. That was beginning to feel like a losing proposition today, she admitted to herself. It seemed like they were agreeing to meet with her because she was young, pretty and had a nice rack. Even if she did say so herself.

Just as she started to exit the car her phone rang. "What now?" she wondered, seeing it was Howard calling her. "What can _he_ want? Hello?"

"Penny, this is Howard." He sounded agitated. "We're having a serious problem with Leonard."

"What's wrong?" Penny asked anxiously. "Is he sick?"

"In the head, maybe," Howard said. "He says he's fallen in love with Leslie Winkle."

"What?!"

"Not only that," Howard went on, "but he says they're going to be married, as soon as he can get her to drop the sexual harassment charges against him."

Penny shook her head, utterly flabberghasted. "What the hell? Where are you?"

"We're in Dr. Gablehauser's office."

"I'm close by," Penny said. "I'll be there as quick as I can!" She hung up and put her phone away, then looked around. There was nobody in the parking lot to see her. Snapping her fingers, she vanished.

She appeared a moment later outside Dr. Gablehauser's office door, invisible. His secretary was gone, probably to lunch, so she became visible again and opened the door.

The office was full of people talking at once. Gablehauser was standing behind his desk, trying to calm everyone down. Leonard and Leslie were in front of the desk, surrounded by Sheldon, Howard, Raj and a pretty black woman Penny recognized as Janine Davis, the Human Resources person for the university.

Howard, seeing Penny, went over to her. "That was quick," he said.

"What the hell's going on here, Howard?" she whispered.

"Leslie filed a harassment charge with the university," Howard said. "Leonard's been following Leslie around all morning trying to get her to admit her love for him." He was giving Penny a strange look. "Boy, you must've really broken his heart."

"I didn't do anything!" Penny said. "I don't know what's going on with—" She abruptly stopped, thinking furiously for a moment. "Serena!" she hissed to herself. "How could you?!"

"Who?" Howard asked, not understanding.

"Never mind," Penny said, waving him off, as she tried to focus on what Leonard was saying.

"I don't understand what you're upset about, sweetheart," Leonard was saying to Leslie Winkle. "I thought you came back so we could be together!"

"I wouldn't come back here if you were the last man on Earth!" Leslie shouted.

"Now Dr. Winkle, don't be hasty—" Gablehauser tried to mollify her. "Dr. Hofstadter isn't himself right now!"

"You don't mean that, my love," Leonard said to Leslie.

"Leonard!" Penny said, glaring at him.

"Oh hi, Penny," Leonard said, giving her a wave. "You remember my fiancée Leslie Winkle, don't you?"

"_I'm_ your fiancée!" Penny snapped.

"No," Leonard shook his head. "Leslie and I are getting married later today!"

"Everyone be _quiet_!" Janine Davis said loudly. When everyone stopped talking she looked around the room in disbelief. "Now I don't know what's going on here, but _nobody_ is getting married—not today, not tomorrow, no how, no way!"

"Thank goodness," Sheldon said, relieved. "This is a nightmare for me!"

Everyone stared at Sheldon. "For _you_?!" Penny shrieked. "What about _me_?!"

"Well how do you think I feel?" Sheldon protested. "It was going to be hard enough dealing with Leonard marrying _you_—how am I going to put up with him marrying _Leslie Winkle_!?"

"Alright, listen," Penny said, taking Leonard's arm. "I need to have a talk with Leonard. In private. Come on, Leonard," she ordered, pulling him toward the door.

"Can Leslie come, too?" Leonard asked.

"NO!" Both Penny and Leslie said.

"There's an empty office across the hall," Dr. Gablehauser said. "You can use that. And I need to talk to Dr. Winkle, so the rest of you get out!"

"Including _me_?" Mrs. Davis asked, pointedly.

"Yes!" Gablehauser said without thinking. "Er—I mean, if you please, Mrs. Davis," he added apologetically.

Penny pulled Leonard across the hall into the empty office, slamming the door. Howard and Raj both put their ears to the door as Sheldon watched. "What do you hear?" Raj asked.

"You, breathing in my ear," Howard said. "Move over!"

"What are you two doing?" Mrs. Davis snapped, seeing them pressed against the door. "Get away from there!" Both Raj and Howard quickly stepped away from the door.

"All of you follow me," she ordered. "I want you three to tell me what's been going on before I got involved." She led Sheldon, Howard and Raj off toward her office.

In the office, Leonard was trying to get around Penny. "Just let me go tell Leslie not to leave before I can talk to her," he was saying.

"Just slow down, Casanova," Penny said, holding him back. "Before you go running off after Leslie Winkle, there's something you need to know."

Leonard stopped trying to get around her. "What's that?"

"I think you've got a spell on you."

Leonard looked at her, stunned. "No. That can't be right. Why would there be a—" he realized what he was saying "—why would you put a spell on me?!"

"I didn't do it!" Penny demurred. "I think it was my cousin Serena."

"Who's cousin Serena?" Leonard asked. "Never mind—she's a witch, obviously. But _why_ would she make me fall in love with Leslie Winkle?"

"She was talking about how fickle men are and I said you'd never fall in love with anyone else," Penny explained. "She must've taken me seriously and did—something—to you. I've got to talk to her." She looked around the room. "But we can't do it here, there's too many people around."

"But where—" As Leonard asked, Penny snapped her fingers and they disappeared.

"—at?" Leonard finished, in Penny's apartment. "Never mind," he said, as he realized where they were.

"Serena!" Penny said, looking up at the ceiling. "Come here and fix this mess!"

"I don't know _what_ you're talking about, cousin," Serena's voice filled the apartment. She appeared next to Penny, making Leonard jump.

"I don't think I'm going to get used to that," Leonard muttered to himself.

"What's up, cuz?" Serena asked, smiling jauntily at Penny.

"You know very well what's up!" Penny snapped. She pointed at Leonard. "You fix him this instant!"

Serena looked around her at Leonard. "Oh, dear," she said, shaking her head. "I think he's beyond repair, cousin."

"You know what I mean!" Penny cried. "Take that love spell off him!"

"I never put any love spell on him in the first place," Serena said, crossing her arms stubbornly. "What makes you think I did?"

"We were just talking about it at lunch the other day," Penny said, "at that _Place de la Bastille_ monument thingy."

Leonard looked at her, surprised. "You mean the July Column? You were in _Paris_ today?"

"Um, yeah," Penny said, feeling guilty for some reason. "We, uh, just went to have a bite for lunch," she murmured, pointing to herself and Serena.

"Oh, so you _do_ know Paris, Leopold!" Serena said, happily.

"It's Leonard," he said. "You must be related to Endora."

"Actually, I'm cousins with Penny on Maurice's side," Serena said. "Penny, I had nothing to do with Leonard falling in love with somebody else. We don't even know if it _is_ magic or some mortal malady."

"How can we tell?" Penny asked.

"Time to seek medical help," Serena said. "She put her fingertips to her temples, closed her eyes, and chanted, "Calling Doctor Bombay! Calling Doctor Bombay! Emergency, come right away!"

Doctor Bombay appeared, wearing a doctor's coat, a stethoscope and carrying his leather doctor's bag. "Did someone call for a doctor?" he asked, in his British accent. "I suppose I'll have to do. Ha-ha!"

When no one else laughed, he harrumphed and gave them a stern look. "What seems to be the problem?"

"We've got a sick mortal here, Doc," Serena said, jerking a thumb at Leonard.

Bombay gave Serena an imperious look. "My dear," he said haughtily. "I am _not_ called a witch doctor because I failed to secure a role on a mortal British science-fiction series in the early 1960s." Leonard nodded, understanding.

"What?" Penny said, not understanding at all.

"He's referring to 'Doctor Who,'" Leonard told her.

"I thought he was referring to himself," Penny said.

"We think this mortal may be affected by witchcraft," Serena said to Bombay. "He's engaged to Penny here but wants to marry another mortal."

"Well, let's have a look, shall we?" Bombay said briskly. He reached into his doctor bag and pulled out a tuning fork. Striking it on a nearby counter top, he touched the end to Leonard's forehead. The fork made a discordant _ting_ and its tone died away.

"Ah, yes," Bombay nodded. "A love potion, undoubtedly. He reached into his bag again and took out a tongue depressor. "Open your mouth, stick out your tongue and say 'Aaah'," he told Leonard, who did so. Bombay then held the depressor against Leonard's nose. "Hmmm," he said.

"Not to worry, not to worry," he said to Penny. A prescription pad appeared in his hand, and he scribbled on it a moment and handed it to her. "It's a standard love potion. You can pick up the antidote at Postlethwaite's shop." He dropped the tongue depressor into his bag and it shut with a _click_. "Well, I'm off to play a few holes with my nurse. Ha-ha-ha! Cheerio, pip pip!" The doctor vanished.

"Wait!" Penny cried.

"Not to worry, my dear," Bombay's voice echoed through the apartment. "I'll send you the bill."

"That's not what I wanted to ask!" she said. "Who the hell is Postlethwaite?!"

"Don't worry, cousin," Serena said. "He's our Apothecary. He mixes up all of our potions. I can show you where his shop is. Though you're on your own after that—he's a real frisky customer, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, God," Penny moaned. "That's all I need, another lonely doctor!"

"Maybe I should go with you," Leonard suggested.

"Maybe you shouldn't," Serena disagreed. "She stands a better chance on her own—the old goat will just drag things out if he thinks he hasn't got a chance with Penny."

"He _doesn't_ have a chance!" Penny declared.

"Hmm," Serena smiled. "Best not let him know that, if you want that antidote anytime soon." She took Penny's hand. "Come on, I'll go with you this time." The two of them vanished, leaving Leonard alone.

-=o=-

Penny and Serena appeared in front of a dilapidated little store front, with dusty windows and paint peeling off the stone walls. Looking around, Penny saw they were on an old, cobblestone road, but nothing else seemed to be visible—it was all obscured by fog or mist. Even the sky above them was indistinct, as if they were in perpetual twilight. "Where are we?" Penny asked.

"Well, we're _not_ in Paris, that's for sure," Serena replied, giggling. "Penny, welcome to the Eternal Realm, home of witches and warlocks for uncounted millennia."

"Oh," Penny said, looking around again. "Well, it's certainly a lot more smoggy than Pasadena."

"That's not smog," Serena informed her. "Things are a bit more _ephemeral_ here, shall we say, than back on Earth. If you've been reading your book on magic, it tells you that this is source of all our witchcraft. My cousin Samantha tended to lose her powers often, probably because she didn't spend enough time here after she married that mortal, Derwood."

"I see," Penny said. "Interesting. Do you think I could lose my powers again?"

"I don't know," Serena shrugged. "We can ask the Apothecary, if you like. Though he'll likely want to give you a full examination to find out."

On the wall next to the door was a wooden sign saying,

**Postlethwaite's Potent Potions**

"This must be the place," Penny said, pointing to the sign.

"Yes," Serena agreed, without enthusiasm. "Well, no use putting this off any longer. Let's go in."

An old bell jingled as they entered the shop. It wasn't very big, but it was full of shelves containing bottles filled with liquids and—other things Penny decided she didn't want to know about. Batwings and snakeskins were hanging from the walls. The countertops displayed vials of different potions, with labels indicating they would make one taller, or more beautiful, or younger-looking. There were also love potions.

Penny picked one up. "Could this be where whoever gave the potion to Leonard got it from?" she asked.

"Could be," Serena nodded. "The Apothecary is an old hand at love potions."

"Ah! What have we here?" An older warlock had appeared at a door leading into the back of the shop. He was bespectacled, had gray, curly hair, and was wearing a plaid shirt, suspenders and a bow tie. "A pair of lovely young witches! What can I do for you ladies this fine day?"

"We need an antidote for a love potion," Serena said, businesslike.

"Oh," the old man said, with a leer. "Have the two of you been a bit…curious, perhaps?"

"What? No!" Penny said. She and Serena looked at each other and shook their heads. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, but… _no_."

"Too bad," the old warlock mused, scratching a stubbly chin. "The two of you could definitely get my potions bubbling."

"Someone gave a love potion to my boyfriend," Penny said. "Here." She handed him the prescription. "Dr. Bombay said this was what he needed to take to cure him."

The old man stared at the script. "Eh," he muttered. "I've got some of this in the back. I'll get it for you." He shuffled into the back room and came back a few seconds later with a small bottle of deep blue liquid in his hand. "This should fix him right up," he said. "But first, there's the matter of my fee."

Serena rolled her eyes. "Here we go."

"How much?" Penny asked.

"Well, it's not so much money," the old man said, giving her a leer and a wink, "as it is a trade."

"A trade for what?" Penny asked, already dreading the answer.

"You get the bottle," the Apothecary said, puckering up. "And I get a kiss."

Penny winced. "How about a warm handshake and ten bucks?"

"Nope," the old man shook his head. "I want a kiss! A whole kiss and nothing but a kiss!"

Penny looked to Serena for support, but the brunette just shrugged. "He's your fiancé, cousin," she said. "It's up to you."

"Fine," Penny said, resigned to the inevitable. She leaned forward, and at the last second moved her lips and pecked the old man on the cheek, hoping that would be enough.

It was. "Hee hee!" the Apothecary giggled, touching his cheek where Penny had kissed him. "I still got it!"

"And you can keep it," Penny muttered under her breath, wiping her lips.

The Apothecary handed her the bottle. "Here you go, missy."

"Thanks," Penny said. She turned to leave, but stopped. "One more question," she said. "Did you happen to sell a love potion to anyone recently?"

"Well, I probably did," the Apothecary nodded. "I do have a bevy of young witches coming in who keep me hopping—in more ways than one, hee hee!"

"Wonderful," Penny said distastefully. "Can you remember who you sold it to? Maybe you keep a copy of their names in your records?"

The old warlock shuffled over to a nearby counter. "Well, I ain't too particular about names or paperwork—I figure whoever they are, it's none of my concern who they want to fall in love with—unless it's me, of course. But I did have one of them young whippersnapper fellows put in some new-fangled equipment a few years ago so's I could keep track of who's been in my shop." He pointed to a small television monitor on the counter. "This here security system takes a picture of everyone who's been in my shop." He picked up a remote control and began clicking. Images of witches began flashing on the screen, starting with Penny and Serena themselves.

"Here you are," the Apothecary said. "My, my, how nice looking the two of you are…"

"Flattery, in this case, will get you nowhere," Serena said disdainfully. The old warlock just chuckled and kept clicking the remote. Image after image of witch flicked on the display.

"Don't any warlocks come into your shop?" Penny asked.

"Sure," the Apothecary said. "But who wants to look at pictures of them?" He kept on clicking.

"Whoa! Stop!" Penny said suddenly. She stared at the screen in disbelief. "Holy crap," she said, pointing at image of the witch being displayed. "I know her! What the hell is she doing in here?"

Serena was staring at the screen. "Oh, her," she said, dismissively. "I've seen her around. You say you know her, cousin?"

"Yeah," Penny said, her voice hard. "Did you sell her a love potion?" she asked the Apothecary.

The old man peered at the screen. "Yep," he said. "Pretty little thing, ain't she? She was feisty—put up a fight before she gave me a kiss. Right here." He pointed to the bridge of his nose.

"Okay," Serena said. "We know who gave your fiancé the love potion. What are you going to do now?"

"After I get this antidote to Leonard, she and I are going to have a very serious talk," Penny snarled. She snapped her fingers and vanished.

Serena smiled at the Apothecary. "Well, thanks for everything." She raised her hand to snap her fingers.

"Say," the Apothecary said, before she could vanish. "How's about you and me doing the town tonight? What d'you say, cutie?"

"I say thanks, but I don't date fossils." Serena vanished.

"Just because there's snow on the roof don't mean there's not a fire burning inside!" the old warlock called out, then cackled gleefully at his own joke. "Hee-hee, they can't keep me out of their heads!"

-=o=-

Emily Sweeny had settled in for the evening on her living room sofa, a gothic horror novel in one hand and a cup of chai tea in the other, when there was a knock on her apartment door. She stared at it for a moment, frowning. "What does _she_ want?" she muttered to herself, then went over and opened the door. On the other side stood Penny.

"Hi," she said, not smiling. "I need to talk to you."

"What do you want?" Emily asked.

"I want to talk about the dirty trick you pulled on me and my boyfriend," Penny said, folding her arms and striking a belligerent pose.

"Oh, that," Emily smirked. "Come on in, then," she said, gesturing Penny inside as she stepped back in front of her sofa. Penny pushed the door closed behind her.

"How'd you figure out it was me?" Emily asked, folding her arms as well.

"You were on the security camera at the Apothecary's," Penny replied.

The redheaded witch laughed. "So the old goat finally made it into the twentieth century, huh? A little bit late, if you ask me—"

"Why did you give Leonard a love potion and make him fall in love with Leslie Winkle?!" Penny demanded.

"You seemed so sure he couldn't possibly cheat on you," Emily said, unconcerned. "I thought it would be funny if something like that happened to you. You went and got him the antidote, didn't you?"

"I _shouldn't have had to_!" Penny shouted. "You're not supposed to treat people like that!"

"What's the big deal?" Emily shrugged. "He's only a mortal."

"Only a mortal?!" Penny stared at her in disbelief. "You're dating Raj—he's a mortal, too!"

"I don't know what business it is of yours who I date," Emily said, huffily. "Besides, you're dating one, too!"

"Well, what's wrong with that?" Penny wanted to know. "I've been dating Leonard a couple of years now!"

Emily shook her head. "Come on, don't play the dumb blonde with me. You know socializing with mortals is considered a bit outré among our kind."

"I—" Penny opened her mouth to argue, but stopped. "I haven't been a witch that long," she said instead.

"What?" Emily was startled by this admission. She sat down on the sofa. "But I saw you with Serena. She's no spring chicken."

"She's my cousin," Penny said. She sat down as well, joining Emily on the couch. "On my grandfather Maurice's side. She came to see me when she learned I'd become a witch."

"How can you _become_ a witch?" Emily wondered.

"Latent Magic Syndrome," Penny explained. "Dr. Bombay gave me something that cured it. I've been a witch for about two months now."

"Just _two months_?" Emily repeated, wide-eyed. "Wow, you're practically a newborn! Sorry, I had no idea."

"Don't worry about it," Penny waved off the apology. Then she remembered what they'd been discussing. "But I've still got to ask this—what are your intentions toward Raj?"

Emily looked a little uncomfortable. "He's a nice guy—for a mortal, that is, and he puts up with my quirks." She held up the gothic novel she'd been reading. "These trashy things, and horror films. I think they're kinda cute."

"But what about Raj?" Penny wanted to know. "He's really sensitive. When his last girlfriend left him it broke his heart. If you dump him, I don't know what he'll do."

"I guess," Emily said slowly. "I don't know, really. I like Raj, and he's sort of forbidden fruit, being mortal and all. I can't promise anything Penny, but that's sort of how relationships go, isn't it?"

"I guess so," Penny agreed. She stood. "Look, I'm sorry for barging in on you," she said. "I just needed to find out what you were up to."

Emily stood as well. "I'm sorry for playing that prank on you and Leonard. From now on I'll stay clear of him. Deal?"

"Deal," Penny said. She held out her hand, and she and Emily shook. "Thanks for talking," Penny said, going to the door. Emily walked with her.

"See you sometime," Emily said, smiling. Penny nodded, smiling as well, and left the apartment, shutting the door behind her.

Emily stood staring at the door a moment. On the other side of the door, Penny paused before she left. _I still hate that bitch_, both thought. Penny popped away and Emily sat down with her novel once again.

-=o=-

_Later, in Penny's apartment:  
_"Now I'm not sure _what_ to think," Penny was saying to Leonard. "Emily seemed to realize what she was doing was wrong, but I don't know if her attitude toward mortals—I mean people—has changed."

Leonard was listening intently. He no longer felt a deep longing for Leslie Winkle, but the memories of doing so were still in his head. They felt…weird. "Maybe she'll remember, the next time she thinks of pulling something like that."

"I hope so," Penny sighed. "_Especially_ for Raj's sake."

"It's just so strange that Emily turned out to be a witch as well," Leonard said.

"I know!" Penny agreed. "I still don't like her, but I feel like I ought to, you know—I mean, we're part of the same group and all that. It's weird."

Leonard looked conflicted. "Do you think we should tell Raj that Emily is a—you know—a witch?" he asked.

"I don't even know if we _can _tell him," Penny said. "What if he completely forgets about her like Amy did with me when I told her _I_ was a witch?"

"Well," Leonard pointed out. "I didn't forget about Emily when you told _me_ she was one. Maybe you can tell someone that somebody _else_ is a witch, you just can't tell them that _you're_ one."

"Maybe," Penny said, thinking about the idea. "But then how do I explain how I know? I sure can't say Emily told me. I mean, _nobody_ will believe she and I are friends!"

"Probably not," Leonard agreed. "Hmm."

"Anyway," Penny went on, "there are still other problems we have to deal with."

"You mean the age thing?" Leonard asked.

Penny nodded. "According to my magic book, witches and warlocks live a long time. A _long_ time—hundreds, if not thousands of years. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself if I live to be a thousand years old."

Leonard smiled gently and put his hand on her shoulder. "I don't see that as being a problem," he told her. "We have a long time to figure out how to deal with it. Maybe if, as Sheldon says, the Singularity will occur in 50 or 60 years, we could all become immortal."

"Yeah, but Sheldon just wants to become a robot," Penny said.

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nobody will notice the difference, he's practically one now," Penny said. "And I don't want _you_ becoming a robot."

"No?" Leonard's expression turned teasing. "Well, you know, I might be able to come up with some _special_ accessories to use on you at night."

Penny shook her head. "The accessories you have right now are good enough for me, sweetie. Just make sure you don't lose them."

"Aww, thank you," Leonard said, giving her a quick kiss. He then kissed her again, more deeply. She returned the kiss, and they embraced. In a few moments Leonard asked, "Do you feel like heading to the bedroom?"

"What's wrong with right here on the sofa?"

"Here? On the _sofa_? N-Nothing. Nothing at all."

_Knock, knock, knock_. "Penny and Leonard?"

Leonard and Penny both sighed in exasperation.

_Knock, knock, knock_. "Penny and Leonard?"

"What is it, Sheldon?!" Leonard said loudly. "We're kind of busy here!"

There was several seconds of silence.

_Knock, knock, knock_. "Penny and Leonard… Sorry to bother you, but I have a question."

"What is it, Sheldon?" Leonard asked again, tightly.

"I've been going over in my mind the drama that occurred in Dr. Gablehauser's office this afternoon, and I've been trying to work out the housing and sleeping arrangements that would be required if you began a relationship with both Penny and Leslie Winkle at the same time."

Leonard went into a facepalm as Penny tried and failed to control the smile that spread across her face. "Sheldon, why do you think I'd try to have a relationship with both Penny and Leslie?"

"Well who knows what kind of weird, testosterone-fueled ideas are swimming about in your brain, given that you might have intercourse with two different women at the same time."

"Oh my God," Leonard muttered. "That's not going to happen!" he said loudly. "This morning was just a weird obsession I had to deal with. I'm not going to have a relationship with Leslie, whether she comes back to the university or not!"

"I see… would you like to speak to your mother about it?"

"…I would _not_."

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind—"

"I'm _fine_, Sheldon! I don't need to talk about it with my mother, and it's never going to happen."

"Oh," Sheldon said. Silence for a moment. "Well, good. I really couldn't come up with a suitable sleeping arrangement for any of us, given that I still think Leslie Winkle is a pretentious hack of the highest degree and that loop quantum gravity is as loopy as eating Spaghettios on a roller coaster."

"Glad I could put your mind at ease, Sheldon," Leonard said. "Anything else?"

"No," Sheldon said. "Wait—yes. What are you two doing for dinner tonight?"

"Isn't tonight Date Night for you and Amy?" Penny asked.

"It is," Sheldon said through the door. "But we had to postpone—she's working late tonight to finish some research."

"I _am_ a little hungry," Penny whispered.

"See?" Sheldon piped up. "Penny wants to go!"

"Damn his Vulcan hearing!" Penny muttered.

-=o=-

**A/N: In case you're curious, here's the English translation for the French Penny and Serena used in the story:**

"What should I say?" Penny asked. Then, "Wow, I'm speaking French!"

"Very good!" Serena said. "I told you it was simple!"


	5. The Weight-Loss Acceleration

.

**Episode Five**

**The Weight-Loss Acceleration**

_Updated_ 12/19/2014

**-=o=-**

_Dedicated with respect and affection to Carol Ann Susi_

**-=o=-**

"Have you been thinking what we should do for Thanksgiving this year?" Bernadette asked Penny and Amy as they sat sipping wine in Penny's living room.

Penny shrugged. "I suppose we could do what we did last year—get everyone together and have a big argument."

"That's not quite how it happened," Bernadette disagreed. "You got into an argument with Leonard because you were married to Zack and didn't even know it. We were just interested bystanders."

"That was quite interesting," Amy agreed. "Given that you and he were both unaware that you were married, even though you went to a wedding chapel in Las Vegas and presumably signed a marriage certificate." She looked a little forlorn. "If only there was a way to get Sheldon into a wedding chapel in Vegas."

Bernadette looked at her. "You wouldn't really try to trick him like that, would you?"

Amy thought about it for a bit. "Probably not," she admitted. "Though it is not that difficult to get Sheldon drunk." She went silent, looking rather thoughtful.

"I was thinking about having a get-together at Howard's mother's house, but he's still upset because Stuart's staying there even though his mom has recovered from her accident with the treadmill," Bernadette went on.

"Oh yeah," Penny said. "Whatever happened with that treadmill?"

"Howard set it up for when she got better, but she refuses to go near it now," Bernadette said. "I think Stuart uses it, though—he says he's got to exercise more to keep his weight down, now that he's eating her home cooking."

"Well, I for one would enjoy another Thanksgiving dinner at Mrs. Wolowitz's house," Amy said. "My mother's Thanksgiving dinners are more often than not inquisitions about my marital status."

"Can't you tell her you have a boyfriend now?" Bernadette asked.

"I have," Amy replied. "But she believes that Sheldon is either (a), imaginary, like Armand the miniature horse breeder; or (b) far away and unavailable, like Faisal, who funded some of my research a few years ago; or (c) like Gerald…"

"Who's Gerald?" Penny asked, taking another sip of wine.

"My Sonicare electric toothbrush," Amy explained. Both Penny and Bernadette's faces reddened. "I thought I had mentioned him before today."

"You had," Penny nodded. "I'm just more of an Oral-B girl myself."

"So, what do you think?" Bernadette persisted. "Do we want to have Thanksgiving at Howard's mom's again this year?"

"Why not?" Penny said, raising her glass of wine. "Let's do it!"

"That's acceptable," Amy agreed.

"Great," Bernadette smiled. "We need to figure out what everyone should bring."

"My mother has a stuffing recipe that's absolutely wonderful," Amy said. "I'll see if I can talk her into making some extra for me to bring along."

"I'll talk to Howard about making the turkey, potatoes and gravy," Bernadette said.

"I'll bring the wine," Penny said, raising her glass again.

"I'm sure his mom will appreciate it," Bernadette said. "She's feeling a bit down this year since her accident. Her doctor wants her to lose weight but she hasn't been able to get very much exercise. Or any, really."

"That's too bad," Penny said. "How much does she have to lose?"

"Well…" Bernadette looked reluctant to say. "Howard jokes that she has to lose about one-and-a-half 'me's' to get back to her goal weight."

"Wow," Amy said, looking surprised. "_That_ much?"

Bernadette frowned. "It's not _that_ much," she huffed. "Or are you saying that I weigh too much?!"

"No, not at all," Amy said, shrinking back a little from Bernadette.

"That's better," Bernadette snarled.

Penny and Amy both sipped at their wine, avoiding Bernadette's gaze. "Yeah, this should be a _wonderful_ Thanksgiving," Penny muttered under her breath.

Penny's cell phone rang and she answered it. "Hello? Oh hi, Raj. What's up? Really? Okay, sounds good." She hung up.

"What did Raj want?" Bernadette asked.

"He volunteered to cook Thanksgiving dinner this year," Penny said, smiling. "So, problem solved."

"Great," Bernadette said. Then her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "He didn't say anything about a theme, did he?"

"Well, no," Penny said. She hadn't thought of that. "But it's only a week before Thanksgiving—he doesn't have time to plan a theme, does he?"

"Maybe not," Bernadette muttered. "But if we get there and there's a theme, it's on _your head_."

"Your beautiful, gold-tressed head," Amy added, smiling. Bernadette and Penny both stared at her. "What, am I wrong?" Amy asked.

**-=o=-**

Sheldon Cooper entered his apartment, finding his roommate Leonard Hofstadter still staring pensively at his computer, as he had been when Sheldon left nearly an hour earlier. "Hello," he said. "Still working?"

"Yeah," Leonard muttered, not glancing away from the monitor. "How did it go at the new comic book store?" Since Stuart's comic-book stored burned down, they had been forced to go to Capital Comics, a rival store that carried even more comics and collectibles than Stuart's store did.

"I don't think I can get used to that place," Sheldon complained, setting his bag of comics on his desk. "It's always filled with people. People, people, people! It's like a comic-book convention every day there! Stuart's store was always nice and quiet—people weren't constantly eating, or talking, or sitting around reading comics. Although," he added, "the daily costume competitions at the new place are fairly lively. Today there was a tie between Captain America and Wonder Woman, though the guy in the Hulk suit certainly gave them a run for their money." Sheldon struck a body-builder pose. "Hulk only won third place. Hulk sad."

"Uh-huh," Leonard said, barely listening, still staring at his computer display.

"What are you doing?" Sheldon asked, walking over to Leonard's desk.

Leonard sighed. "I've been going over the primordial gravity wave measurement data made by the Bicep2 team."

"And?"

Leonard sat back. "There's no way around it. Their conclusions were incorrect. They were reading dust emissions thinking they were B-mode polarization of the cosmic microwave background."

"I see," Sheldon said. "Perhaps, then, now is the time for me to make an important statement regarding these findings."

Leonard looked up at him, frowning. "And that is?"

"I told you so."

Leonard groaned. "Thanks, Sheldon," he said, exasperated. "Things are bad enough already. Since I had that unfortunate incident with Leslie Winkle a few weeks ago—"

"You mean that incident where you professed your undying love for her, forsaking your fiancée Penny for a woman whose total contribution to science includes three papers filled with untestable predictions of loop quantum gravity, and a charge of sexual harassment against you?"

Leonard was silent for several seconds. "Yes," he said at last. "_That_ incident. Since then I've been on sort of 'double-secret probation' with Dr. Gablehauser. He thinks I deliberately drove Leslie away by pretending to fall in love with her."

Sheldon gave him a funny look. "I thought that's what you _were_ doing!"

"Well, it wasn't," Leonard insisted.

"Then what _were_ you doing?" Sheldon asked.

"I don't know." Leonard couldn't very well say a witch slipped him a love potion. "It's—it's hard to explain."

"Are you saying you went into some type of fugue state wherein you believed that you and Leslie Winkle were engaged to be married, and then you somehow came out of it when you were confronted by Penny?" Sheldon asked.

"That must be it," Leonard agreed. Sheldon would accept just about any premise if he believed he was the one who thought of it.

"Nailed it," Sheldon murmured, smiling triumphantly.

"Gablehauser was also expecting me to confirm the Bicep2 team's conclusions," Leonard added. "Now, however, between my findings and the analysis from the Planck collaboration team, we've managed to shut down any hope of having a gravitation wave lab here. And he's going to blame me for it, and for losing Leslie."

"That hardly seems to be _your_ fault," Sheldon said. "You could not have foreseen the initial team's mistakes."

Leonard managed a smile. "Thanks, Sheldon, for saying that."

"Of course," Sheldon nodded. "I like to give you compliments whenever I can. As I always say, even a broken clock is right once in a while."

"Right." Leonard was no longer smiling. "You can stop complimenting me now. It's starting to get on my nerves."

Sheldon looked indignant. "Oh, well then! Try to prop someone up and they turn on you like a dog on a merry-go-round. That's a fine how-do-you-do!"

Leonard shook his head, exasperated and a bit confounded by Sheldon's strange comparisons. At that moment his phone rang. He pulled it out and answered. "Hi, Howard. What's up? Oh, no! Again? Yeah, we'll be right there. See you soon." He hung up, looking at Sheldon. "Howard's mother had to go to the hospital, her gout is acting up again. It's really bad this time. I'm going to get Penny and we're going over to see how she's doing."

Leonard walked to the door then turned back to Sheldon, who hadn't moved. "Are you coming?"

"I—" Sheldon looked around as if thinking of bolting back into his room. "I was thinking I could stay here, in case Dr. Gablehauser calls asking you to turn in your resignation." Sheldon gave Leonard a sidelong glance. "You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"

"He's not going to ask me to quit," Leonard snapped, exasperated with Sheldon's germ and hospital phobias. Between the gravity data and Sheldon, it had been one long exasperating morning. "Sheldon, just come with us. I'll tell you what," he suggested. "If you come we'll stop and I'll get you a Jamba Juice."

Sheldon regarded him warily. "Can I get a Strawberries Wild smoothie?"

"Anything you want," Leonard agreed.

Sheldon weighed his options—Jamba Juice against hospital germs. "Shotgun," he said, heading for the door.

**-=o=-**

At the hospital, Bernadette and Howard were in the waiting area when Leonard, Penny and Sheldon walked in. "How is she?" Penny asked as soon as she saw them.

"Better," Howard said. "They gave her some medication for the pain, and they're going to keep her overnight for observation. But her weight is still a concern—the doctor told me she's going to have get serious about losing weight. He even mentioned gastric bypass surgery or a lap band as an option."

"What's that?" Penny asked.

"It's where they go in and staple off part of your stomach, so you can't eat as much," Howard said. "I'm not sure it would help Ma though—she stores enough food in her cheeks to last a month," he added, jokingly.

"I'm sure we'll figure out something, Howie," Bernadette said, rubbing his arm soothingly.

"Can we go in and see her?" Penny asked.

"Sure," Howard nodded. "Bernadette and I were going to the cafeteria to get something to eat. We were in the middle of fixing dinner when Stuart called to say Ma was going to the hospital. You know," he told them. "I'm still not happy about Stuart still living with Ma, but in this case it was good he was there. He called EMS and made her come here to get looked at."

"Where's Stuart now?" Leonard asked.

"In the room, with 'Deb-Deb,'" Howard said, in a petulant tone.

"Howard," Bernadette warned him. "You said you weren't going to get upset."

"Right, right." Howard held up his hands in surrender. "Let's go get something to eat." He and Bernadette left.

Leonard and Penny walked into the corridor leading to Mrs. Wolowitz's room. "Coming, Sheldon?"

Sheldon was looking around the waiting area like a bubble boy whose protective environment had just sprung a leak. "I'm good here, I think," he said, holding his hands as if he was afraid of touching anything, or anything touching him. "If anyone needs me I'll be over at the hand disinfectant station. Although I don't know why, they let just _anyone_ use those things."

"We'll be back soon," Leonard said, and he and Penny walked down to room 2140, which Howard had texted him earlier. They walked in to see Stuart standing over Mrs. Wolowitz's bed, watching her.

"Oh, hi," Stuart said, his voice quiet. He put a finger to his lips. "She just dropped off," he said. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Penny said quietly. "Is she doing all right?"

"Better than I am," Stuart said. "I'm a wreck after all this! In a way this feels like my fault."

"Why would you say that?" Leonard asked, sounding doubtful.

"I'm afraid I've been enabling all of her eating lately," Stuart said. "She makes such fantastic meals, and it's hard to say no to her when she wants to make my favorite foods." He looked at Mrs. Wolowitz with affection. "She and I really get along."

"That's nice," Leonard said, smiling.

"Yeah, unless you're Howard," Stuart added. "He still thinks I ought to move out. _And_ pay Debbie back the money she gave me to rebuild the shop."

Leonard and Penny glanced at one another, neither wanting to weigh in on that issue. "I'm sure things will work out, Stuart," Leonard said at last.

"I hope so," Stuart nodded. His phone rang at that moment and he took it out and looked at it. "Huh," he said. "Jeanie's calling me," he said. He glanced at Mrs. Wolowitz, then at Leonard and Penny. "I better take this outside," he said, walking quickly out of the room.

That left Leonard and Penny alone with Mrs. Wolowitz. "Wow. Surgery," Penny said. "That seems pretty drastic."

"It's usually a final option for losing weight," Leonard said. "It can be pretty hard on your body—you can never eat a normal meal after bypass surgery."

"Ugh," Penny said, shocked. "That's sounds awful. I wish there was some way she could avoid that." Then she gave Leonard a sly look. "Well, there _is_ something I might be able to do."

"Like what?" Leonard asked, then realized what she meant. "Uh—oh, I don't know," he said doubtfully. "Do you think that's a good idea?"

"She's got to lose weight, Leonard," Penny pointed out. "There might be a way I could help with that."

Leonard looked at Mrs. Wolowitz. She was a big woman, it was true. "What—what do you think you could do for her, exactly?"

"I'm not sure," Penny said, thoughtfully. "I don't know any spells that would help her lose weight, offhand… I could just turn off her appetite. But that would probably look weird."

"True," Leonard agreed. Mrs. Wolowitz was well-known for her voracious appetite. "Maybe you should just—you know, leave it alone."

"Leonard," Penny said, exasperation creeping into her voice. "One of the reasons I decided to become a witch was to help people. It's true I haven't done much of that," she went on, before Leonard could point it out. "But the fact remains that I do want to help." She suddenly held out her hand. "Come on."

Leonard took her hand. "Where are we going?"

"I know a little old shopkeeper who might be able to help us," she said. They disappeared.

A moment later the door opened and Stuart walked back in. "How's she doing—?" He paused, looking around for Penny and Leonard. "Guys?" he said tentatively. He stared at Mrs. Wolowitz for a long moment, wondering—

He snorted. "No, that's ridiculous. She couldn't have eaten them in her sleep, what am I thinking? I'm getting as bad as Howard."

**-=o=-**

Penny and Leonard appeared on an old cobblestone lane next to a shabby store front of gray stone and an old wooden door with peeling paint. "Here we are," Penny said, pointing to the shop.

Next to the door was a wooden sign saying "Postlethwait's Potent Potions." "A potions shop?" Leonard said, disbelievingly.

"This is where Emily got the love potion," Penny said. "I had to come here and get the antidote. The shopkeeper is an old guy, but he's a little bit—frisky, I suppose is a good enough word."

"I see," Leonard said. Penny had given him the antidote without any explanation of where it had come from. Maybe now he'd see why. "Should we go in?" he asked her. She nodded, and Leonard opened the door for her.

The inside of the shop smelled—funny. Leonard could see why: there were shelves and shelves of bottles filled with bubbling liquids and other items best left unsaid. There were batwings hanging from the walls, and in one corner a large cauldron was bubbling ominously. How a cauldron could bubble _ominously_ was not entirely clear to Leonard, but that's how it struck him.

"Well, well, back so soon, cutie?" Postlethwaite the Apothecary said as he came out of the back room, seeing Penny. He spied Leonard and his expression turned sour. "Who's this?" he asked.

"This is my fiancé, Leonard," Penny said. Leonard nodded at the old warlock, who ignored him. "I came in ask a question about a weight-loss potion."

The Apothecary gave Penny a good looking over. "I don't think you need to lose any weight at all, cutie. Looks to me like you've got everything you need in just the right places."

"She's asking for someone else," Leonard interjected.

"It's for a friend," Penny amplified. "Who needs to lose a lot of weight."

"Oh?" the old warlock rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "How much?"

"A _lot_," Penny said.

"Been overindulging some, eh? That can happen." The Apothecary went over to a shelf and looked over several bottles of greenish liquids. "Think I've got something here that'll do the trick." He took one off the shelf.

"This'll do the trick," he said to them. "Have them take it with their next meal." He held up the bottle but didn't offer it to Penny, who was dreading what was coming next. "Now, there's the matter of my fee…"

Penny sighed. "What do you want?"

"What I _want_—" Postlethwaite glanced at Leonard. "—is not important. What I'll _accept_ is a kiss."

"Whaaaat?" Leonard said. "You can't be serious!"

"Oh, I'm serious."

"Oh, he's serious." Both Penny and the Apothecary spoke at the same time. "Okay," she nodded. "Close your eyes and pucker up."

"Whaaaat?" Leonard said again.

"Okay!" the old warlock closed his eyes and leaned forward, pursing his lips expectantly. Penny leaned forward as well, but at the last moment she moved her lips up and kissed the him on the bridge of his nose.

The Apothecary opened his eyes. "Not quite the place I had in mind," he said, plaintively. "But a deal's a deal." He handed over the bottle.

"Thanks," Penny said briskly. "Let's go, Leonard." The two of them moved quickly out the door.

"Hurry back anytime," the Apothecary called out. "Next month we got a Yuletide special—two potions for the price of one!"

Outside the shop, Penny was about to snap her fingers to return to the hospital when Leonard asked, "What _is_ this place, exactly?"

"Uh," Penny hesitated. "I don't know, really. Cousin Serena said it was the place where witches and warlocks lived. She called it the Eternal Realm—something like that."

"Huh," Leonard said. "So I suppose we could see Thor walking down the street any minute now," he added, grinning.

"Whaaaat?" Penny said, in a tone mocking his earlier use of the word.

Leonard gave her a slightly condescending look. "The Eternal Realm is what Asgard is called. That's the world Thor lives on. You remember when we went to see that movie?"

"The only other person I've seen here is _that_ guy," Penny said, jerking a thumb at the shop behind them. "And I'm pretty sure he's no Norse god."

"It's really hard to see much of anything here," Leonard said, looking around. "It's so…_foggy_ here. And the air tastes—well, kind of weird. Like I'm breathing through my asthma inhaler."

"Doesn't feel any different to me," Penny said, shrugging. "Are you ready to go?"

"Hold on a second," Leonard said, his curiosity aroused. "If this place is where witches and warlocks live, then where is everybody? All I can see is this street—" he pointed at the cobblestone lane they were standing on "—and the store we just came out of. But I don't see anything else. What would we find if we walked down this road for a while?"

"Leonard, _I don't know_," Penny said, beginning to regret bringing him with her. "This shop is the only place I've been, and I haven't really wanted to be here much, either! You saw what that old guy was like!"

"Yeah, I saw." Leonard folded his arms. "You didn't protest too much when he wanted that kiss."

"But I didn't give him what he _really_ wanted, did I?" Penny pointed out.

"No. But then I wasn't here last time, was I?"

"Oh my God," Penny snapped. "Nothing happened last time, either! I gave him a kiss on the cheek—that was all!"

Leonard held up his hands in mock surrender. "If you say so."

"I say so! Now let's get out of here!" She made a whipping motion with one hand and they vanished, reappearing a moment later in Mrs. Wolowitz's hospital room. Bernadette and Howard were standing next to the bed.

"Uh—" Leonard froze for a moment, wondering how he and Penny were going to explain their sudden appearance. "Hi, guys, uh, we were—"

"Relax, genius," Penny told him. "They can't see or hear us."

"You can do that?" Leonard asked, surprised.

"Yeah. Makes it easier appearing in places where mortals are."

Penny pointed to a tray with a cup of jello and a glass of water sitting on a hospital stand near the foot of the bed. "They must've brought her something to eat," she said to Leonard. "I can put the potion in that."

"Do you think you can get it in there without them noticing?" Leonard asked.

"Piece of cake," Penny said. "Which, I'm sure the old gal would eat even faster than jello, if they let her have any." She moved to the foot of the bed.

Howard and Bernadette were looking at his mother, watching to see if she was waking up. Taking the opportunity, Penny pointed at the jello cup and made an opening motion. The top of the cup peeled open and she uncorked the potion bottle and poured it in, then made a stirring motion to mix it in. She finished with a sealing motion that closed the cup top again.

"Ma?" Howard was saying. "The nurse brought you some food to eat, if you're hungry." He looked at Bernadette. "Like that's not gonna happen."

"Howard…" Bernadette, used to Howard's humor, just shook her head.

Mrs. Wolowitz's eyes fluttered. "Did someone say food?" she asked, in her raspy voice. She looked at Howard and Bernadette. "Where's Stuart?" she asked.

"Where's Stuart?" Howard repeated, sounding miffed. "_We're_ here, Ma. Your only son and his wife, the ones who took care of you when you were injured—"

"And the ones who couldn't be bothered to stay with me because they had their own lives to get back to," she retorted. "I know what you're doing! You're trying to keep Stewie away from me, aren't you?!"

"Stuart's out in the hallway, on the phone," Bernadette said.

"Who's he talking to?" Mrs. Wolowitz asked. "Is it that Jeanie again?"

"I don't know," Bernadette said, although she had a pretty good idea.

"If he wants to go to her, I'm not going to stop him," Mrs. Wolowitz said, in a long-suffering tone. "I'm not going to stand in the way of his happiness, even if she's almost 35 and still not married."

"Ma, you're getting all worked up," Howard said, secretly glad his mother was upset with Stuart. He handed her the jello cup. "Here, have something to eat, it'll calm your nerves."

"I'm not nervous," his mother protested. "I'm just saying, Stewie's a grown man, he can make his own decisions. I'm not going to tell him who he can—" in one quick _sluurp_ the jello cup was empty "—and can't go out with."

Penny made a thumb's-up gesture to Leonard. The package had been delivered. She took his hand and, still invisible, they vanished from the room.

**-=o=-**

_A week later, Thanksgiving morning:_

Raj's apartment was bustling with activity as he prepared for Thanksgiving. The turkey was in the oven, the potatoes were ready for peeling, and the dressing was in the refrigerator, ready for re-heating just before they were ready to eat.

Raj sipped at a glass of Reisling, smiling to himself at the surprise theme he'd put together for Thanksgiving this year. It was a stroke of brilliance, if he did say so himself. _Everyone_ loved Tom Hanks! From _Philadelphia_ to _Big_ to _Sleepless in Seattle_, every movie was gold. Then there was _Forrest Gump_, _The Green Mile_, and who could forget the _Toy Story_ trilogy? Even _Saving Private Ryan_, though that was a little bloody for Raj's taste. Everyone was going to be blown away when they saw all the ways he'd incorporated parts of Tom Hanks movies into their meal.

His apartment was going to be full this year. Emily would be here, of course; she had taken the day off from her normally-busy dermatology clinic. _What kind of doctor's office made people work on Thanksgiving anyway_, he wondered. Leonard and Penny were coming, as was Amy, who had promised that Sheldon would be here as well. Finally, Howard and Bernadette were coming, and they were bringing his mother along. Stuart had begged off this year, saying he'd made other plans. Well, it was his loss that he was going to miss Raj's "Tom Hanks-giving." With eight more people eating here today, he'd found and rented a larger table and chairs, temporarily replacing his smaller dining room table.

There was a knock on the door and Raj went over to answer it. It was Leonard and Penny. Penny was holding a bottle of sauvignon blanc. "Hi, come on in," Raj said, ushering them into his apartment.

"Looks like we're the first ones here," Leonard said, to make conversation as he took of his and Penny's coats, hanging them on a coatrack Raj had also rented for the day.

Penny smiled at him. "Nothing gets by you, sweetie."

Leonard smiled tolerantly at her. "You were the one in a hurry to get here."

"I was in a hurry to pick up the wine before they ran out of sauvignon blanc," Penny said, hefting the bottle. "Ready to open up this bad boy?" she said to Raj.

"I have some glasses here," Raj said, picking them up from the cabinet and putting them on the counter. He took the bottle from Penny and began unwrapping the cork. "Where's Sheldon and Amy?"

"They're coming," Leonard said, a little uncomfortably. "There may be a little discussion going on."

Raj twisted the cork out of the bottle. Penny held out her glass but Raj pulled it back. "Let it breath a minute," he suggested. "Discussion about what?" he asked Leonard.

"Oh, Sheldon is sure you're going to have another one of those silly theme dinners," Penny said, wiggling her glass.

"Oh. Really." Raj said, in a subdued tone.

"You know how he is," Leonard said by way of explanation. "We told him you probably didn't have time to come up with anything, but he's adamant."

"Hmm," Raj murmured. "What a silly goose!" he said, laughing as if the idea of the themed dinner was _ridiculous_. As he turned back to the kitchen his expression turned brooding.

There was another knock on the door. It was Emily this time, dressed in a deep blue, low-cut blouse and black slacks. Over that she wore a blue Canada Goose parka, which Emily slipped out of after giving Raj a quick kiss.

"Nice coat," Leonard said, not realizing that a Canada Goose parka could fetch as much as $1500 retail.

"I like it," Emily said, taking a glass of Reisling offered by Raj, who was hovering nearby now that she was here. She looked at Penny. "What did you wear?"

"Oh," Penny said, put on the spot. "Just my regular coat. No big deal."

"Mmm," Emily said. She looked at Raj. "When do we eat?"

Penny turned her head so only Leonard could see her face. _I still hate her, _she mouthed at him. Leonard shook his head slightly and shrugged, not wanting to get into Penny's issues with Emily.

Howard and Bernadette showed up next, followed right behind by Sheldon and Amy. "Where's your mother, Howard?" Raj asked as he hung up their coats.

"She called and said she wanted to drive over herself," Howard said. "She said she had a surprise for us."

"Oh no, she's not brining over a tur-briska-fil, is she?" Raj moaned.

"No," Howard said flatly. "I'm just hoping she's not going to announce her engagement to Stuart."

"Howard," Bernadette shook her head warningly.

"Isn't Stuart still going out with that Jeanie girl?"

"You mean Howard's second cousin that he lost his virginity to?" Raj said, with a wicked grin. Howard grimaced and covered his face with his hands.

"Raj!" Bernadette turned on him. "You're not helping!"

"Sorry, Bernadette," Raj said. "But it's still hilarious!"

"Just go cook the damn turkey," she growled, and Raj beat a hasty retreat to his kitchen.

There was an awkward silence.

That was apparently what Sheldon was waiting for. "Now then," he said, stepping to the center of the apartment. "Who'd like to hear some classic Sheldon Cooper factoids about Thanksgiving?"

"Not now, Sheldon," Leonard groaned.

Sheldon looked puzzled. "What, do you still want to continue the topic of Howard's quasi-incestuous sex life?"

"What've you got, Sheldon?" Howard spoke up quickly.

Sheldon beamed, happy to be the center of attention again. "Alright, here goes. What food _didn't_ the Pilgrims eat at the first Thanksgiving?"

No one spoke. Sheldon took this for ignorance. "You'll never guess," he said. "Huh? Huh?" he goaded them. "Give up yet?"

"Oh, I don't know, Sheldon," Howard finally said, to shut him up. "Turkey?"

Sheldon looked startled. "Well," he said, his condescending smile turning to chagrin. "Kudos to Howard for that lucky guess. Good job, Howard. I guess that goes to show, even someone without a Ph.D can come up with the right answer every so often."  
"It wasn't that hard, Sheldon," Howard pointed out. "I figured the question had to have an ironic answer or you wouldn't have asked it."

"Ironic? How is that ironic?" Sheldon wanted to know.

"Never mind," Howard muttered. There was another knock at the door just then. "I hope that's Ma," he said, hurrying over to answer it.

He opened the door to find his mother standing outside, nearly invisible in the huge fur coat she was sporting, wearing sunglasses and a muffler that covered most of her face. "You're finally here," he said, a little testily. "What kept you?"

"I had to make sure I was warm," she said, in her vaguely accented voice. "What, you want I should catch my death of cold?"

"Ma, you could be locked in a freezer for a month before you froze to death," Howard said, as she came inside.

"Shows what you know, Mr. Smarty-Pants," Mrs. Wolowitz said. "Watch this." She took off the fur coat, revealing—another coat beneath it. She handed the coat to Howard.

"You wore two coats?" Howard asked. "It's not _that_ cold outside."

"Just wait," his mother said. "I'm not finished."

She began removing coat after coat, dropping them on the floor behind her. By now everyone in the room was staring at her, wondering how many coats she'd managed to get on her rather obese body. But as the coats kept coming off and she kept getting thinner and thinner, Leonard and Penny glanced uneasily at one another. What had that weight-loss potion done?

When the final coat came off, Howard's mother whipped off the muffler and took off her sunglasses, revealing a svelte figure in a low-cut dress and a face Howard remembered from when he was 10, before his father left them. She had lost easily over 100 pounds and now had curves in all the right places, like she did when he was a boy. Funny, he had never noticed them on her back then. "M-Ma," he stuttered. "What _happened_ to you?"

"I don't know," she gushed, "but isn't it _wonderful_?! I'm _thin_ again!" She rubbed her slender hands together. "Now, what's to eat?"

**-=o=-**

"That's _impossible_," Bernadette said, staring at Mrs. Wolowitz's new figure. "_Nobody_ can lose that much weight in a week!"

"I don't know what yer _talkin'_ about," Mrs. Wolowitz said. Her voice hadn't changed that much, though she sounded younger, somehow, now that she was thin. "Just lookit me!"

"What did you do?" Howard demanded. "Did you get liposuction? Was it cousin Albert? I know he's been aching to suck the fat out of you!"

"I told ya I didn't do _anything_!" his mother cried. "I been losin' 20 pounds a day for the last week!"

"Sudden weight loss is not unknown in the medical world," Sheldon spoke up. "Potential causes can be Addison's disease, celiac disease, cancer—"

"Ooo, don't say cancer!" Mrs. Wolowitz protested. "I'm too young and beautiful now to die of cancer!" Her accent made the word sound like "cansah."

Penny and Leonard had retreated to a corner near the door. "Something must have gone wrong with that weight-loss potion," she whispered to Leonard.

"You _think_?" Leonard muttered, sarcastically.

"Well don't get mad at _me_," Penny hissed. "I'm not the one who made it!"

"But you're the one who gave it to her!" Leonard pointed out. "We've gotta go talk to that old potion-maker!"

"Yeah," Penny agreed. "Come on. Hey," she said, raising her voice. "Leonard and are going to get something from the car."

Nobody paid any attention to them. Penny shrugged at Leonard, then they slipped out the door to Raj's apartment. Once outside, they vanished.

They appeared outside the Apothecary's shop and rushed inside. The old warlock was hunched over a cauldron, stirring as he added ingredients. "Back so soon?" he grinned as he saw Penny again. "Can't get enough of me, can you, cutie?"

"Yeah," Penny muttered. "No, that's not it. We had some problems with that potion you gave us."

The Apothecary shook his head. "Sometimes it takes a while before the potion kicks in," he said. "Give it a few more days, I'm sure the weight will come off eventually."

"That's the problem!" Penny said. "I gave it to my friend's mother and now she's lost over 100 pounds in just a week!"

"Whoa," the old warlock muttered. "That's a lot of weight for a witch to drop in a week, you know."

"But she's not a witch," Leonard said.

"Not a witch?" The Apothecary looked stunned. "You didn't give it a _mortal_, did you?!"

"Well, yeah…" Penny said, warily. "Was that wrong?"

"Of _course_ it's wrong!" the Apothecary exploded. "That potion was never meant for mortals to take! Mortals shouldn't be exposed to things from our Realm! It does strange things to them! Just _being_ in the Realm can cause strange and unpredictable things to happen to them!"

"Oh, really?" Leonard said, looking at Penny. "Like what?"

"What part of 'unpredictable' wasn't clear to you?" the Apothecary snapped. "Wait—" he looked at Leonard carefully for the first time since meeting him. "Are _you_ mortal?"

"Yeah…" Leonard said.

"You shouldn't be here!" the old warlock cried excitedly. "There's no telling what might happen if you stay here much longer!"

"But what about Mrs. Wolowitz?" Penny asked. "When is she going to stop losing weight?"

"She's not!" the Apothecary said, wringing his hands. "Oh, this is awful! Six hundred year without a job-related accident, and now—pfffft!"

"But what does that _mean_?" Leonard asked, anxiously, "that she won't stop losing weight?"

"It means," the Apothecary moaned, "she's going to get thinner and thinner every day until she's nothing but skin and bones. Literally. And then even they will disappear, and nothing will be left."

"Well, _that's_ not good!" Penny said. "How can we stop it?"

"_We_ can do nothing!" the Apothecary said. "_I _have to come up with an antidote, and soon! How much does she weigh now?"

Leonard shrugged, looking at Penny, who said, "Maybe 140 or so."

"That gives me two, maybe three days to find something," the Apothecary said, thinking furiously. "Okay, okay, here's what you do: Keep feeding her as much food as possible. That will hold off the final weight loss, the one where she reduces into nothing. I'll contact you as soon as I have something to try on her."

"Okay," Penny nodded. She and Leonard disappeared.

"And the next time you come here," the Apothecary called after her. "Don't bring Romeo with you!"

**-=o=-**

Leonard and Penny snuck back into Raj's apartment, where Mrs. Wolowitz was still showing off her new figure. "Just wait 'til Stewie sees me like this," she was saying, coyly. "He won't know what to think!"

"_Nobody_ knows what to think," Bernadette muttered.

Emily, who had watched silently for several minutes, turned to her. "I thought Howard's mother was heavier than that."

"She was," Bernadette said. "I think she qualified for her own ZIP code."

"And she lost it all in a week?" Emily asked.

"Yeah. Boy, if there was a way to bottle that, my company would be rolling in dough!"

"No doubt," Emily said. She turned and looked at Penny. When she caught Penny's eye, she gestured for them to go into Raj's bedroom. Unnoticed, they slipped away into the next room. The door closed of its own accord.

"What?" Penny said, brusquely. What did this witch want now?

"You gave her a reducing potion, didn't you?" Emily deduced. "Didn't the Apothecary tell you not to give that to mortals?"

"He thought I was going to give it to another witch!" Penny cried. "I just got back from there—he said he was going to try to make an antidote."

"I hope he can," Emily told her. "The Witches Council isn't going to like it if a mortal dies due to our negligence."

"Negligence? Whoa, wait a minute!" Penny snapped. "It was an _accident_! I was trying to help her lose weight!"

"Your heart was in the right place, I guess," Emily agreed. "But there are simpler ways to accomplish that, especially for mortals. The problem is that you just don't have enough experience yet to use those spells."

"I know," Penny said, dispiritedly, sitting down on the bed. "There are so many things in that book to learn!" She looked up at Emily. "You know, it's funny, but when I was at the Cheesecake Factory the hardest thing I did there was learning the menu. It was about a dozen pages long, it took me over a month before I could remember all of the items on it. But now I can read a spell once and remember it without any problem," Penny finished.

Emily smiled. "One of the perks of being a witch," she said. "We're smarter than mortals, so remembering things comes easier to us." Going back to the problem at hand, she asked, "Did the Apothecary tell you to do anything while he made the antidote?"

"He said to make her keep eating," Penny replied. "That might slow down the weight loss and give him more time."

The bedroom door opened and Raj looked in. "What are you two doing?" he asked.

"Oh," Penny said, smiling. "Just girl talk."

"Just girl talk," Emily echoed, smiling as well.

"I hope you're not in here comparing notes on me in the sack," Raj said, though his demeanor suggested that was exactly what he was hoping.

Penny and Emily glanced at one another. "No, no, nothing like that," Penny said, quickly.

"Well," Raj went on. "We're almost ready to eat out here, if you want to join us." He disappeared back into the kitchen.

Penny stood and the two women walked to the door. "He's never going to let that go, is he?" Emily muttered.

"Apparently not," Penny agreed.

**-=o=-**

"Oh my goodness," Mrs. Wolowitz said an hour later. "I'm so stuffed I don't think I could eat another bite?"

"Anyone want the last slice of pumpkin pie?" Raj asked, holding up the pie plate. A moment later it was snatched from his hand.

"You talked me into it," Mrs. Wolowitz said, taking a big bite with her fork.

The dining room table looked reminiscent of the aftermath of a meal held at a bulimics' convention. Bits and scraps of food lay strewn across it, from turkey bones picked clean to empty bowls that had held mounds of potatoes, stuffing, corn and peas, cranberries and now-dry gray boats. The vegetable tray held a few carrot sticks and stalks of celery, the roll basket was empty, and the only thing left in the three pie plates were crumbs.

At the center of this sat Mrs. Debbie Wolowitz, formerly an Overeaters Anonymous poster girl, now daintily wiping her lips as the last slice of pumpkin pie vanished down her throat. "That was pretty good, Rajesh," she complimented him. "I didn't know you could cook so well!"

"Thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz," Raj said, rubbing his belly. "I'm glad you enjoyed it.

At the other end of the table, Penny leaned close to Leonard and whispered, "No problem getting her to eat."

"I guess her appetite wasn't affected by that potion," Leonard whispered back.

Mrs. Wolowitz abruptly stood. "Well, I better get goin'," she said, getting her coats from the coatrack. "I gotta stop by the store and pick up some groceries for dinner tonight."

Raj stood. "Well, thank you for coming by," he said, a little surprised she was leaving so soon.

"Ma," Howard was standing now, too. "Don't you think you ought to go get a check-up?"

"What for? I feel fine!"

"Okay," Howard admitted. "But if you lose any more weight we're going to have to file a missing person report."

"Oh, quit worrying," his mother dismissed the idea. "I've never felt better in my life!" She slipped on her coat, then felt around in the pockets. "Now where's that _verkackt_ cell phone Stewie got for me?" She pulled it out and pushed a button. "Stewie? Are you coming home tonight for dinner? Mama's making your favorites for Thanksgiving! All right, see you then!"

"'Mama?'" Howard echoed, looking crushed. "I thought _I _was your little matzo ball?"

"You _are_ my little matzo ball," his mother said. "And I'll always love you. But now you have a wife and you're making a life with her. I just want to have a life, too. Is that so much to ask for?"

"I suppose not," Howard agreed. His mother held out her arms, and she and Howard hugged.

"That's so sweet," Bernadette said, happy to see her husband and his mother getting along. "I wish this moment could last forever."

"Well, gotta go," Howard's mother said, abruptly releasing him. She waved to everybody as she walked out the apartment door.

Howard watched her go, then rubbed the sides of his head as if he were in pain. Perhaps he was. "Okay," he muttered. "I don't know what she's thinking but I'm going to have to do something about this."

"But what _can_ you do?" Bernadette asked. "You're mother's right."

Howard stopped rubbing his temples and stared at her in disbelief. "Whose side are you on?"

"I'm on your side," Bernadette said, as if that should be obvious. "But Howie, your mother's an adult. She knows what she's doing."

"I'm beginning to wonder," Howard muttered. "She's been acting weird ever since I moved out of the house. She was seeing that dentist for a while, and now she's got Stuart living there, eating her food, spending her money…"

"Howie…" Bernadette tried to calm him down. "You're getting yourself all worked up. Maybe we should go home and you can take a nap."

"I could use one, I guess," Howard agreed. He turned to Raj. "Thanks for the food, buddy," he said, then went to get their coats.

"We'd better go, too," Leonard said. Penny wanted to go home and look through her Book of Magic to see if there was anything she could do to stop Mrs. Wolowitz's weight loss.

"All right," Sheldon agreed, quickly standing. "Raj," he said. "I'd like to say I had a wonderful time and enjoyed all the food you cooked, but since Mrs. Wolowitz ate most of it all I can say is, nice napkin arrangements." He waited for Raj to thank him, but when Raj just stared, Sheldon turned away to get his coat.

"I'd better go, too," Emily told Raj. "I need to drop by the office and get ready for tomorrow. Black Friday is also known as Red Friday in the dermatology game. We see _lots_ of rashes." She gave him a quick kiss, then gathered her coat and walked out with the others, leaving Raj alone.

Raj stared at the door for a long time before muttering, "They didn't even take their boxes of Forrest Gump chocolates with them. Happy Tom Hanks-giving everyone, my ass."

**-=o=-**

_The next morning:_

Leonard stuck his head in the door of Penny's apartment, finding her reading her magic book on the couch. "Any word?" he asked.

Penny shut the book. "Nothing," she said. "And I can't find anything in here that would stop that potion from making her lose weight. We're just going to have to wait for the Apothecary to get back to us. Oh, I feel so bad about this!"

Leonard sat down beside her. "It's not your fault—"

"Of _course_ it's my fault!" Penny said. "I shouldn't have given her that potion in the first place, at least not without making sure it was okay for her to take! At least Emily was supportive," she mused distractedly. "Which is weird considering how much we hate each other."

"Hey, _I'm_ being supportive!" Leonard objected. "And I certainly don't hate you!"

"Yeah, yeah," Penny said, as if that was expected behavior. "I just didn't realize how things from the witches' realm could affect mortals."

Leonard was giving her a look. "Um, speaking of that," he said, tentatively.

Penny turned to him. "What is it? Is something wrong with you, too? Oh no, Leonard! I'm sorry! I didn't realize you weren't supposed to be there!"

"Well, it's not actually a problem, per se," Leonard said. He reached in his pocket and pulled out an asthma inhaler. "I think my asthma's gone," he said.

"What?"

"I haven't used my inhaler in over a week," Leonard said. "Not since the first time we went to the Apothecary's shop!" He was smiling broadly.

Penny broke into a grin as well. "That's wonderful!" she said, hugging him. Then she pulled back, giving him an inquisitive look. "Do you really think something there cured your asthma?" she asked.

"I don't know what else it could be," Leonard said excitedly. "I think all of my allergies are gone, too! I haven't sniffled _once_ in the past week!" He got a sly look on his face. "I'd ask you to bring Sheldon there but I don't suppose there's much chance that place will cure crazy."

"We might have to leave him there a while," Penny laughed.

Leonard's phone beeped. A moment later so did Penny's. Taking out his phone, Leonard read the text he'd just received. "Oh, no," he muttered. "It's from Bernadette. Apparently Howard and Stuart are having a full-blown argument at his mother's house."

Penny held up her phone. "I got the same text," she said. "This is awful! I never should have given her that potion!"

"I wouldn't worry about that now," Leonard said. "I wish there was something we could do to keep them from arguing."

"Can't do anything about that, either," Penny shrugged. Then she got an idea. "We _could_ go listen in."

Leonard shook his head. "I don't want to get in the middle of that, do you?"

"Who says they have to see us?" Penny asked, smiling deviously.

"You mean, go spy on them?" Leonard asked, surprised. "Is that what you're suggesting? Because I'm good with that if you are."

"Great!" Penny said gleefully. She snapped her fingers and they disappeared.

They appeared a moment later in Mrs. Wolowitz's living room, invisible and intangible. Mrs. Wolowitz, Stuart, Howard and Bernadette were there, with battle lines drawn.

Yesterday, Mrs. Wolowitz had been round yet curvaceous. Today she looked positively gaunt. Apparently even two large meals couldn't keep the pounds from falling off her.

"She looks worse today," Leonard whispered.

"She does, poor thing," Penny agreed, compassionately. "Now shush, Leonard, I want to hear what they're saying!"

Howard and Stuart were in each other's faces, shouting. "How do we know _you_ didn't have something to do with my mother losing all that weight!" Howard was yelling.

"What could I have done to make your mother lose weight?!" Stuart yelled back. "She does all the cooking!"

"Stewie does make a mean _blintz_," Mrs. Wolowitz interjected.

"What makes you think I had anything to do with it?" Stuart demanded.

"You were living here when it happened!" Howard said.

"That doesn't mean _anything_!" Stuart shouted. "Besides—" he suddenly cut himself off.

"Besides, what?" Howard wanted to know. "What were you going to say?"

Stuart sighed. "I—haven't been—staying here, lately," he stammered. "After Debbie goes to sleep I—leave."

"What?" Bernadette looked surprised. "Where do you go, Stewie?"

Stuart looked toward Mrs. Wolowitz, who nodded. "Go ahead. Tell them, Stewie," she said.

"I've—been staying—with Jeanie…" Stuart murmured, looking away.

"What?!" Howard and Bernadette both exclaimed.

"Ooo, this is getting good!" Penny whispered to Leonard.

"So _now_ you're cheating on my mother?!" Howard accused.

"No—I've, I've—your mother and I have never had a relationship," Stuart said. "Not beyond me taking care of her when she was hurt."

"But you've been staying here for _months_," Bernadette said.

"We get along," Mrs. Wolowitz said. "He makes me laugh. What's wrong with him keeping me company?"

"Nothing," Howard said. "But—I thought—"

"Well, you thought _wrong_, sucka," Stuart snapped, his anger finally flaring up.

"So…you're not…" Howard began.

"No, we're not," his mother said. Howard sagged, relieved. "What?" she went on, "is that what you think, that your mother's a _whore_?"

"No, I—"

"Yeah," Stuart chimed in. "What kind of son are you?" Then he looked at Mrs. Wolowitz. "Of course, technically, us sleeping together wouldn't make you a whore, especially since you're giving _me_ money."

"Right," Howard said, deadpan. "That would make _you_ a gigolo."

"Now let's not split hairs—" Stuart objected.

"Everybody just calm down!" Bernadette interrupted, her voice taking on the same quality Mrs. Wolowitz's used to have. "No more hair-splitting!"

"Wow," Penny said. "It's like watching _Days of our Lives_ or _General Hospital_."

Leonard looked at her. "You watch those things?" he asked, a little surprised.

"Well," Penny shrugged, defensively. "I had to do something besides yoga all day before I got my job at Zangen."

The Apothecary suddenly appeared behind them, startling Leonard. "Still not used to that," he muttered.

"I've got it, I've got it!" the Apothecary crowed excitedly to Penny. "It took five weeks of hard work, but I finally got it!" He held up a bottle of swirling green liquid. He glanced at Leonard. "Oh, you're here, too, eh?"

"Five weeks?" Leonard repeated. "It's only been a day since we told you."

"Don't be silly," the old warlock scoffed. "For something this important, I made sure the potion would work then traveled back in time to give it to you. Otherwise the Witches Council probably would have pulled my license. Here."

Penny took the bottle from him. "She has to drink it, doesn't she?"

"No, it's a suppository," the Apothecary said. Both Penny and Leonard grimaced in distaste. "Don't be silly, of course she has to drink it!"

"Whew, thank God," Penny said, relieved. "So—so how do I give it to her?"

"Use your imagination, cutie," the Apothecary smiled, then disappeared.

Penny looked at Leonard, shrugged, then held out her hand. A cup of hot chocolate appeared, and she poured the bottle in.

Howard and Mrs. Wolowitz had both sat down on the couch; Stuart had gone into the kitchen to get Debbie something to drink and Bernadette was sitting on the staircase landing, texting.

"Ma," Howard was saying, "I'm sorry I said those things to Stuart, but you've got to understand—I've been worried about you."

"You don't need to worry about me, _bubbeleh_," his mother said, fondly. "I'm doing all right by myself these days."

Penny put the cup of chocolate on the table in front of Mrs. Wolowitz, then gestured at it to make it visible.

"All right, Ma," Howard said. "I won't worry about you—but please, don't call me 'bubbeleh' anymore."

"Why not?" his mother said, surprised. "I thought you loved it when I called you that."

"I did until I found out what it means—it means 'little grandmother.'"

"Oh, it means more than that," she said, rubbing his leg affectionately. "You know it's a term of endearment." She noticed the cup of chocolate, picked it up and took a sip. "Mmm, that's pretty good," she said. "Thanks, Stewie!" she called out.

Howard was smiling. "I know it is," he said, looking at her. "I guess it's okay."

"You're welcome," Stuart said, coming into the room holding a cup of hot chocolate. He stopped when he saw the cup in Debbie's hand. "Did I—already bring you that?" he asked, confused.

"You must have," she said, taking another sip. "It's delicious!"

"Oh, thanks," Stuart smiled. He looked at the cup in his hand. "This must be mine, then."

Howard looked around at him. "Where's my cup?" he asked.

Stuart jerked a thumb behind him. "It's your house," he said in a matter-of-fact tone. "You know where the kitchen is."

"Don't start with me!" Howard snapped.

"Howard!" both Bernadette and Mrs. Wolowitz warned, in the same tone of voice.

Penny looked at Leonard. "Time for us to go," she said, taking hold of his arm.

"Don't you want to watch them fight?" Leonard asked.

"It's getting old," Penny said. "Besides, I've got you and Sheldon for that, too." They disappeared.

**-=o=-**

_A few days later, in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment:_

Penny opened the door to find Leonard sitting at his computer desk. "How are you feeling today?" she asked.

"Pretty good, thanks," Leonard looked up at her and smiled. "Did you check on Mrs. Wolowitz today?"

Penny nodded. "She's still there," she said. "That—" she made a drinking motion, "must have worked."

"Good," Leonard said, relieved. "I hope from now on you'll be careful before you start throwing around your witchcraft."

"Sure," Penny said. "As long as you'll be careful before you start talking about 'Star Trek' or 'Lord of the Rings.'" Leonard smiled sardonically at her.

She looked around. "Where's Sheldon?"

"In his room," Leonard said, looking that way. "He's trying to figure out what Amy is going to buy him for Christmas so he can buy it first and ruin Christmas for her."

"What?" Penny frowned. "That's awful. Why would he do—never mind, I forgot who we were talking about for a minute."

Leonard turned around to face her. "Let me ask you a question," he said. "It's about—that _other_ place." He lowered his voice a little. "As far as I can tell, my asthma and allergies have cleared up, and that funny feeling I had in my sinuses after my septum surgery has gone away as well. You've told me that witches and warlocks don't get sick; I wonder if it's that other place that's keeping them healthy."

"Could be," Penny agreed. "That book Maurice gave me says it's a place that's connected to our world but is separate from it, and they've been living there for thousands of years."

"I wonder if that's why they live so long," Leonard speculated. "It would be interesting to set up some experiments—"

"Hold on a second," Penny stopping him, waving her hands dismissively. "I'm not taking you back there. You heard what the old guy said about—mortals—being there. That place has weird and unpredictable effects on mortals."

"What place?" Sheldon, who was suddenly standing in the hallway, asked them. "What were you talking about?"

"Uh—" Leonard and Penny, both caught flat footed, didn't know what to say.

"Well, don't you know what you were talking about?" Sheldon asked. "Has too much intercourse muddled your thoughts?"

"It's-it's-it's not that, Sheldon," Leonard finally said. "We were just—discussing an idea for a television show."

"Yeah," Penny said, catching on.

"A television show?" Sheldon looked mildly interested. "What's it about?"

"It's about a beautiful blond woman with magical powers," Penny said, posing artistically, as if she would be that woman. "She lives in the suburbs with her new husband who finds out she's a witch and warns her she has to use her powers responsibly, for good."

Sheldon thought about that for several seconds. "Phew," he said, holding his nose and making a thumbs-down gesture. "It'll never work," he said.

"Why not?" Penny demanded.

"It's completely unbelievable," Sheldon declared. "They might as well make a TV show about two physicists living in an apartment together, across the hall from a waitress who's trying to become an actress. At least _that's_ believable, because it's true!"


	6. The Christmas Gift Conundrum

.

**Episode Six**

**The Christmas Gift Conundrum**

_Updated_ 1/3/2015

**-=o=-**

Leaving Amy's apartment after her Christmas Eve party, Penny, Leonard and Sheldon returned to 2311 North Los Robles Apartments, walking tiredly up four flights of stairs and into apartment 4A, the apartment shared by Leonard and Sheldon. Sheldon was carefully carrying the box of cookies Amy had baked for him using his Meemaw's special recipe. "I can't get over it," Sheldon said as he sat down in his spot on the couch. "Amy actually did something that made me feel good about her."

"I'm glad to hear that, Sheldon," Leonard said, smiling happily. "That's what Christmas is about—not rooting for the Grinch to steal Christmas or Frosty the Snowman to melt."

Sheldon shook his head. "Oh, Leonard, you poor deluded fool. Christmas isn't about making people feel good."

Leonard, who was getting himself and Penny bottles of water from the fridge, gave him a querulous look. "You're going to have to walk me through that, Sheldon. If Christmas isn't about making other people feel good, then what _is_ it about?"

"Here we go," Penny groaned to herself.

"Christmas," Sheldon said, with an authoritarian tone in his voice, "is about making other people indebted to you based on the things you give to them. For example, today I gave Amy a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap, that contained a heartfelt greeting from me to her. That was meant to make her feel obligated to me so I could hold it over her when she had no present to give me in return."

"But she _did_ have a present for you," Penny pointed out.

"I know," Sheldon said, with obvious chagrin. "She obviously saw through my clever though admittedly simplistic plan, and devised a fiendish counterplan in order to thwart me!" He held up the box of Christmas cookies she'd given him. "These cookies, baked with my Meemaw's recipe, are every bit as good as cookies actually made _by_ my Meemaw. Oh, it's a nightmare!" he wailed.

Leonard was leaning on the kitchen island sipping at his water. He made a rolling motion with his index finger. "Still having to walk me through this, Sheldon. I don't see the nightmare."

"Oh, well, you wouldn't!" Sheldon exclaimed. "Besides being a Leibniz man, you've been caught up in the hollow traditions of the Christmas spirit, which have pushed out the original meaning of the Yuletide."

"And what was the original meaning?" Leonard asked.

"Why, the burning of the Yule Log," Sheldon said, beginning to list them. "The sacrifice of livestock, the lighting of fires and the cooking of the sacrificed animals. There was also the Wild Hunt, where a group of ghostly hunters ride across the sky in pursuit of a dragon, led by the mighty hunter Jólnir. The story goes that if you help in the Wild Hunt, you will be rewarded, but if you oppose it you will be punished."

"Sounds festive," Penny, sitting on the other end of the couch, said to Leonard, who grinned in appreciation of her sarcasm.

"It does!" Sheldon exclaimed, mistaking Penny's sarcasm for agreement. "Our modern traditions totally miss the true meaning of Christmas!"

"Sheldon." Leonard walked over and sat down in the chair next to the couch. "It seems like Christmas does do those things. Lots of people do have log fires burning this time of year. And we have Christmas dinner, where we eat turkey and ham in celebration of the season. If you think about it, the Wild Hunt sort of sounds like Santa Claus riding through the sky bringing toys to the good girls and boys and nothing to the bad ones."

"Yeah?" Sheldon scoffed, preferring his own explanation to Leonard's. "Well, I suppose that's _one_ way of looking at it."

"Traditions change over time, Sheldon," Leonard pointed out. "You know that."

"Well, they _shouldn't_," Sheldon snapped. He stood and headed for the hallway. "No matter what Amy said or did today, Christmas is still ruined! Now, good night!" He stormed off to his room.

"Boy," Penny muttered. "Sounds like the Grinch stole Christmas _again_."

"I heard that!" Sheldon said loudly from his room. "Don't try to get on my good side, Penny!" His door slammed shut.

Penny and Leonard were both laughing. "You know, I really thought Amy got to him this year," Leonard said. "Those cookies were really a wonderful gift from her to Sheldon. Too bad we'll never know what they taste like."

Penny scooted across the sofa to sit closer to Leonard. "Well, Amy told me she made two boxes of the cookies—one for Sheldon and one for everyone else. She gave me a few." She pulled a small baggie out of her jacket and held it up. There were two cookies inside, both broken into pieces. "They're a little the worse for wear," she said, opening the bag and letting Leonard take a piece.

Leonard tasted the cookie. "It _is_ good," he said, biting into it. "Kind of like the cookies my mother got from Nieman Marcus—she said they cost $250 to make."

Penny gave him a funny look. "Sweetie," she said. "That's an old story that's been on the internet a long time. It's just an urban legend, it's not true."

"Are you sure?" Leonard said, doubtfully. "I don't think my mother would lie about something like that."

"Maybe your mom fell for it, too," Penny shrugged.

"I don't know." Leonard looked a bit shaken, like a little kid who'd just found out that Santa wasn't real. "Mother's not the type of woman to be taken in by an urban legend. She certainly wouldn't have told us that if she didn't think it was true!"

"Hmm," Penny said, pensively. "So all those things she wrote about you in _Needy Baby, Greedy Baby_ were true?"

"Uh—" Leonard frowned, finding himself trapped by his own words. His mother had written a _lot_ of things about him in that book, most of them false from his perspective. "She might have _thought_ so, but—"

"Game, set and match, Penny!" Penny crowed, smiling triumphantly at him. "So," she went on, "what do you think we should get Sheldon for Christmas?"

"A new heart," Leonard said, thinking about the Grinch. "His old one shrank three sizes today."

"Come on!" Penny complained. "I'm serious!"

"I am, too," Leonard said. He waved a hand like casting a spell. "Work some of that voodoo-that-you-do on him."

"Don't joke about voodoo," Penny warned him. "But we've got to do _something_. Sheldon needs a little more convincing that Christmas can be a good thing."

"Maybe we could do a little play for Sheldon," Leonard suggested. "We could pretend to be characters he likes and tell him what Christmas means to us as those characters. He tends to think more of what fictional characters believe than real people."

"Characters like who?" Penny asked.

"Well, I have costumes for Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Uhura," Leonard said. "We could pretend to be them."

Penny gave him yet another funny look. "Why would you have a _Lieutenant Uhura_ costume in your closet?"

"It was Raj's," Leonard explained. "He gave it to me after he started dating Emily. But," he remembered, "there _was_ a blonde communications officer named Lieutenant Palmer. She was pretty hot. You could be her."

"Great," Penny said wearily. "No, I was thinking of something a bit more—interesting…"

"Captain Kirk's pretty interesting," Leonard said, looking a little hurt. Penny gave him a baleful look. "But—but what were you thinking of, then?"

"I think I can whip up a character from the show for Sheldon to meet," Penny said. "Which ones does he like the best?"

"He likes Mr. Spock," Leonard said. "The first one, that is—Zachary Quinto is growing on him but he still likes the Leonard Nimoy version better. And he likes Mr. Data, too, from Next Generation." He smiled wistfully. "To tell the truth, I wouldn't mind meeting them, either."

"You may get your wish," Penny said, standing up and holding both of her hands in the air. She began to recite:

"_Killikin, billikin, mallikin more,  
__Let Sheldon's dream come to our door!  
__Magic, harken to my plea_,  
_Now Sheldon's fondest dream we see_!"

"That was a spell?" Leonard asked. "Cool."

"Now all we need to do is get Sheldon back in here," Penny said. She started to gesture toward his bedroom when Leonard held up a hand, stopping her.

"How are we going to explain this to him?" he asked. "We can't tell him you're a witch—he might forget everything about you."

"We don't have to tell him anything," Penny said smugly. "He'll think he's been dreaming." She finished her gesture, then gestured at the couch. Sheldon appeared there, still holding his box of cookies, apparently asleep.

"Now," Penny said softly to Leonard. "He'll wake up in a few seconds, and when he does, his favorite character will come to the door. All we have to do is let him in and let the fun begin."

Leonard was grinning broadly. "This should be fun!" he said. "I've always wanted to meet Mr. Spock, too!" He looked down at the clothes he'd worn to Amy's Christmas Eve party. "You know, it would be better if we were more appropriately dressed."

Penny rolled her eyes. "Okay," she finally agreed, snapping her fingers and attiring them for the occasion. "Alright, Sheldon, time to wake up…"

**-=o=-**

Opening his eyes, Sheldon looked around, seeing he was in the apartment living room and relaxing since he was in his spot on the couch. He reached into the box of Christmas cookies, taking out one shaped like a Christmas tree and biting off the tip. "Mmm, delicious!" he said, as Leonard and Penny watched, their mouths watering (he knew) for a bite they would never get. "Oh, I wish you could taste how wonderful Meemaw's cookies are!"

"Gosh," Leonard muttered. "Too bad there's no way for _that_ to happen. Oh, wait…"

"Well, I'm sorry, Leonard," Sheldon said. "But Meemaw made these cookies just for me."

"Actually, Amy made them," Penny reminded him.

"Using Meemaw's recipe!" Sheldon loudly objected. "Besides, I called dibs."

"Fine, Sheldon," Leonard said, with resignation. "Whatever you say."

"On a tangential point," Sheldon continued. "Why are the two of you wearing Starfleet uniforms?" Leonard was dressed in black slacks and a command gold Starfleet top with captain's insignia on it, while Penny had on a skimpy red uniform like the one Uhura used to wear. "Is there a Star Trek convention I'm not aware of?"

"Well, you could say that." Leonard was grinning now. "We thought we'd bring in someone special for you to meet tonight."

Sheldon waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, you know I've met just about everyone around Los Angeles who's been on Star Trek—I've met Will Wheaton, Brent Spiner, LeVar Burton—and that guy who played Lt. Washburn in the Star Trek the Original Series episode 'The Doomsday Machine.' I don't know who else you could come up with."

"You never know, Sheldon," Penny said, an enigmatic smile on her face. At that moment there was a knock on the door. "Now who could that be?" she asked coyly, getting up off the couch and going over to open the door.

Standing in the doorway was Mr. Spock. "Live long and prosper," he said in his deep, resonant voice, making the Vulcan salute.

Sheldon was on his feet before he realized it. "Spock? What—what are you doing here in the 20th century?"

"It has come to my attention that you are an admirer," Spock said, stepping into the room. "I decided to pay you a visit." The Vulcan was dressed in his blue science uniform with a tricorder slung on his hip.

Sheldon was positively quivering with excitement. "I can't believe you're here!" he said, rushing forward to stand in front of him. "Mr. Spock, from the Starship Enterprise, here in my living room! On Christmas!" He thrust the box of cookies forward. "Would you like one of my Meemaw's cookies?"

Spock looked into the box. "Normally, I would not indulge in such fat-laden, high-calorie, low-fiber food. But, seeing as it's your Meemaw's cookies…" He reached in, took one, and bit into it. "Mmm," he said, raising an eyebrow. "Interesting. It is very good."

"Oh, my Meemaw will be so happy you said that!" Sheldon exclaimed. He gestured toward the couch. "Would you like to sit down?"

Spock nodded and moved to sit on the right end of couch. "Wait!" Sheldon said, before he could sit down. "That's _my_ spot."

Spock frowned, looking down at the spot on the couch. "Why is that your spot?"

Both Penny and Leonard groaned. "In the winter that spot is close enough to the radiator to remain warm," Sheldon explained. "Yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there—" he pointed to opposite walls of the apartment. "It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I've made my point," he finished.

Spock, who had frozen halfway through the act of sitting down, stood and straightened his tunic. "Logical," he said, sitting down in the middle of the couch, next to Penny. Sheldon practically leaped into his spot so he could sit next to Spock.

"I can't believe you're really here," he said happily, peering closely at the Vulcan. "I have so many questions to ask you! Such as, what was your favorite Star Trek movie? And what was your second-favorite Star Trek movie? And what did it feel like when you died?"

Before Spock could respond, however, there was another knock at the door. "Now who could that be?" Leonard wondered, looking at Penny, who shrugged.

"Whoever it is," Sheldon said breathlessly, "tell them they can't come in, we're busy!"

Penny, looking a bit perplexed, went over and opened the door again. Standing in the door was another Spock, a younger version of the one seated on the sofa. "I am Spock," he said to Penny as she stared at him.

Both Sheldon and Spock got to their feet as the second Spock entered the apartment. Leonard was giving Penny a quizzical look—_What's _he_ doing here_? his expression asked. Penny shrugged her shoulders. _I don't know_, she mouthed in reply.

"New Spock?" Sheldon said, confused. "But I like Old Spock better!"

"As do I," the older Spock agreed. "Why are you here?" he asked the upstart.

"I am Spock," the younger version repeated. "I am here to visit my admirer, Sheldon Cooper."

"But I like _him_ better," Sheldon said, pointing to the older Spock.

"Illogical," young Spock said. "We are the same character."

"But from two different timelines," Sheldon protested. "You're not the same at all! This Spock—" he pointed to old Spock "—still has his planet Vulcan. And he never kissed Lt. Uhura! Compared to _him_, you're—you're practically a regular human!"

"I see no reason for you to be so insulting," young Spock said, stiffly. "I am—complex." The older Spock rolled his eyes. "What?" the younger one retorted. "You disagree?"

"_I_ am complex," old Spock said. "You are simply whiny."

There was another knock at the door. Penny shook her head and opened the door again. _This_ time a tall, golden-skinned humanoid with dark brown hair dressed in a Next-Generation uniform was standing there. "Hello," he said. "I am Commander Data. I am here to see Sheldon Cooper."

"Come on in," Penny said, gesturing him inside. "I guess I don't know my own strength."

Data stepped inside, then looked at the two Spocks in surprise. "You are Spock," he said to the older Vulcan. "Federation ambassador to the Romulans." He looked at the other Spock. "And _you_ are Spock as well, but I do not understand how there can be two of you."

"Neither do I," Penny muttered to Leonard, who she'd joined after letting Data in. "I only conjured up the first Spock."

"I don't understand," Leonard whispered. "But it _is_ pretty cool seeing all of these characters for real."

"What I want to know," Sheldon was saying, "is which one of you is the smartest?"

"I am an artificial humanoid controlled by a positronic brain containing 800 quadrillion bits of data, with a computation capacity of 60 trillion operations per second," Data answered. "Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude I am the smartest."

"That does not follow," the younger Spock retorted. "Vulcans are capable of multiple simultaneous trains of thought, including those of higher-order mathematical calculations. It is therefore reasonable to conclude that _I_ am the smartest."

"Second smartest," older Spock commented. "By virtue of my additional years of experience and training, _I_ am the smartest."

"And now you're all here, in my apartment!" Sheldon said excitedly. "I still have questions to ask you! For example, how does the warp drive work?"

Spock, strangely, did not look pleased by this. "Is that why I am here?" he asked. "To answer the questions of some 20th century physicist who does not even understand basic warp drive physics?" Sheldon looked startled and vaguely hurt by this.

"Well, to be fair," Leonard spoke up. "The warp drive won't even be invented by Zephram Cochrane for another 50 years, and only then after a long, brutal war that leaves the planet devastated."

"Leonard!" Sheldon gave him a stern look. "There's no point in bringing up the past, even if is in the future!" He turned back to the elder Spock. "You'll have to forgive my roommate—he's more of a Kirk aficionado."

"I understand," Spock nodded sagely. "Jim was all about the coitus."

"Exactly!" Sheldon agreed. Leonard frowned with a _what-the-hell_ expression.

"Excuse me," Data said. "I am unsure of my role in this conversation."

Sheldon turned to him. "You were my favorite Next Generation character, right after Wesley Crusher, who was a lot like me—a genius at an early age, with an eidetic memory, he was one of the central characters on the show for many years."

Data considered this comment for several seconds. "I see," he said. "Perhaps you are unaware that Wesley Crusher resigned from Starfleet Academy after the death of a fellow cadet, for which he was responsible?"

"Uh—" Sheldon looked discomfited by that. "Of course I remember," he said at last. "But it was just a minor setback."

"Resignation from Starfleet is hardly 'a minor setback,'" Data said dispassionately.

"Well, I don't want to talk about Wesley, anyway," Sheldon said, dismissing the subject. "I want to talk about you, Data. Is it true you cannot use contractions when speaking?"

Data nodded. "It is true, I'm incapable of using contractions in my speech patterns."

"Hold on," Sheldon said. "You just _did_ use a contraction!"

"No, I didn't," Data insisted.

"You did it again!" Sheldon exclaimed. "Are you trying to trick me?"

"I heard it, too," older Spock said. "It is quite illogical."

"What would _you_ know?" Data retorted. "As an android I can outthink your Vulcan brain any day of the week."

Old Spock fixed Data with an imperious stare. "I have caused several androids and computer systems to malfunction by tricking their logic systems. You, Mr. Data, are no different from them."

"Stop it!" Sheldon suddenly shouted. "You're not here to fight with one another! You're here to entertain me! Now cease this useless bickering and amuse me!"

Both Spocks and Data turned to Sheldon. "Be silent," they all said at once, then returned to their own argument, leaving Sheldon looking utterly upset and flabbergasted.

Leonard and Penny were watching with a mixture of amusement and concern. "On the one hand, I sort of feel sorry for Sheldon," Penny said to Leonard. "But on the other, it's nice to see someone can make Sheldon shut up."

"If anyone could, it's these three," Leonard said. "They're his favorite science fiction characters of all time."

"What about comic book heroes?" Penny asked. "Which of those does he like?"

"Well, he's a big Batman fan," Leonard said. "And the Flash."

There was a sudden _bzzzt_ at the door. "What was that?" Penny asked. "It sounded like the door buzzer."

"We don't have a door buzzer," Leonard said, getting up and going to the door. When he opened it, however, there was no one there. "Huh," he said, closing it again. "I wonder what that buzzing was?" he muttered.

"That was me, knocking 10,000 times in one second," a new voice said from the kitchen.

"What the hell?!" Leonard spun around. Standing there, sipping on a coffee cup, was a man dressed in a red Flash suit.

"Thanks for the cup of joe," the man said, raising the cup toward Leonard. "I got a little parched running here."

"Who the hell is that?" Penny asked, seeing the man as well.

"Oh! Flash!" Sheldon exclaimed at that moment. "I'm so glad you're here! I need your help—neither of the Spocks nor Data will talk to me anymore!"

"Just a wild guess," Leonard said to Penny. "But I think that's the Flash."

"How did he get here?" Penny whispered. "_I_ didn't bring him here!"

"Well if you didn't I don't know he got here," Leonard whispered back.

There was a _tap-tap-tap_ on the outside of the window. Cautiously, Leonard went over. "Who is it?" he asked, through the drapes.

"I'm Batman," came a raspy reply.

"Batman?" Leonard repeated, incredulously. "What are you doing out there?"

"Just thought I'd hang out with you guys." Leonard pulled back the drapes and opened the window, letting the Caped Crusader inside. "Thanks," the masked man said, his voice a strangled whisper. "My Bat-Line was about to give out."

"None of this is making sense," Leonard said to Penny. "Can't you make these guys go away?"

"What about Sheldon's Christmas present?" Penny asked.

"I think he's had as much of these characters as he needs for the year," Leonard said. "Please?"

"Fine with me," Penny said, gesturing toward Sheldon and the other characters. Everyone froze except Leonard and Penny. Penny held up her hands and recited,

"_Hillikan, jillikan, mallikin more,  
__These characters are starting to become a bore!  
__Send them back from whence they came,  
__To the mists of mythic fame!"_

To her and Leonard's dismay, however, only Old Spock faded away. "Why didn't the rest of them disappear?" Leonard asked.

"I have no idea," Penny said, confused. "Unless someone's playing a trick on us…" She looked up at the ceiling. "Is anybody out there?"

"I thought you'd never ask," a disembodied voice chuckled. A man appeared, dressed in Next Generation admiral's uniform. He was tall with brown hair, and had an easy, relaxed grin on his face. "Nice to finally meet you, Penny," he said. "How about a hug for your old Uncle Arthur?" He started to step toward her.

Penny put a hand on his chest, stopping him. "Hold on," she said. "Endora warned me about you—she said you're something of a troublemaker."

"Well, what would _she_ know," Arthur sneered. "She hasn't had a sense of humor since the Middle Ages." The warlock's eyes fell on Leonard. "This must be your fiancé," he said, extending a hand.

"Hi," Leonard said, "I'm—" as he grasped Arthur's hand there was a loud buzzing sound and Leonard's hair puffed out as if he'd been hit with a massive jolt of electricity. He quickly jerked his hand away.

Arthur broke into guffaws. "Hope you don't find me too—shocking!" he laughed uproariously at his own joke.

"That wasn't funny," Leonard said, looking upset.

Penny, who was hiding a smile behind her hands, said, "Well, it kind of was, sweetie." Her expression sobered. "But you shouldn't go around giving people electrical shocks," she admonished Arthur.

"Oh, come on," Arthur said, cajolingly. "Didn't you get a _charge_ out of that?" He laughed at the pun. When neither Leonard nor Penny did, he went into a pout. "Party poopers," he said, gesturing at Leonard, whose hair settled back to normal. "So what's going on here?" he asked, looking at the various frozen figures standing around the room.

"I thought _you_ could tell _us_," Penny said. "Didn't you make all of these characters show up here today?"

"I don't even know who these people _are_!" Arthur protested.

"They're Star Trek and comic book characters," Leonard told him.

Arthur walked up to one frozen person. "Who's this supposed to be?"

"That's actually my roommate, Sheldon," Leonard said. "He's the reason these other characters are here. Although only one was supposed to show up, Leonard Nimoy's Mr. Spock, and he's gone now."

"Interesting…" Arthur murmured, staring at Sheldon's frozen expression. He looked at Penny. "What was the spell you cast?"

Penny repeated the spell to him. "And you only cast it once?" Arthur asked.

"That's all," Penny said. "When I cast the counterspell the old Spock guy disappeared, but these other characters remained."

"What do you think happened?" Leonard asked.

"I'm not sure," Arthur said. "But I think we can find out." He pointed to Leonard. "_You_ repeat the counterspell."

"Whaaaat?" Leonard gasped. "But I'm not a warlock!"

"Maybe not," Arthur shrugged. "But what've you got to lose?"

Looking perplexed, Leonard recited the words to the counterspell.

"_Hillikan, jillikan, mallikin more,  
__These characters are starting to become a bore!  
__Send them back from whence they came,  
__To the mists of mythic fame!"_

The four remaining characters faded away, leaving Leonard and Penny alone with Arthur and the still-frozen Sheldon.

"Well," Arthur said to Leonard. "Welcome to the family, kid."

"Holy crap," Penny said.

**-=o=-**

Doctor Bombay was quickly summoned. The witch doctor appeared dressed in a caveman suit, though he still had his black doctor's bag in one hand and a stethoscope around his neck. "Confound it," he said in his clipped British accent. "Can't a man even have the day off at Christmas?!"

"Sorry, old boy," Arthur said, with a snigger. "_Yule'll_ just have to _log_ some time in today."

"Charmed as always to see you, Arthur," Bombay said sarcastically. "Now, what seems to be the problem here?"

"It's Leonard," Penny said immediately. "Somehow he's able to perform magic on his own!"

"Is that so?" Bombay raised an eyebrow at Leonard, then at Arthur. "Are you quite sure this one is pulling some elaborate prank on the two of you? He's tried to convince other mortals they had magic powers before."

"Not this time, Bombie," Arthur said. "I had nothing to do with this." He put his index and middle fingers on either side of his nose. "Warlock's honor."

"Hmph," Bombay still looked skeptical, but Arthur had sworn he was telling the truth. "Well, let's see what we can find out, shall we?" He reached into his doctor bag and took out what looked like a scope for examining patient's ears. He stuck the pointy end into Leonard's ear and clicked it. A light shone on the wall nearby. "Just as I thought," Bombay said. "Nothing in there."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Leonard demanded as Bombay put the scope away.

"It means that whatever is going on, you're not doing it deliberately," Bombay said. "Well, let's try something a bit more practical, shall we? Wish for something."

"What?" both Leonard and Penny said.

"Wish for something," Bombay repeated. "Go on, then."

Leonard looked around, trying to think of something. Finally his eye fell on the box of cookies Sheldon was still holding. "I wish I had one of Sheldon's cookies," he said.

A cookie floated out of the box and over to Leonard's hand. "Whoa," Leonard said, looking at the cookie in awe. "Did I do that?"

"Apparently so," Bombay muttered. "You appear to be in the early stages of wishcraft."

"What's—what's that?" Leonard asked.

"It's the first stage of becoming a witch or warlock," Bombay said. "However, it should not be happening to a mortal. Mortals don't spontaneously develop witchcraft. Unless-" Bombay eyed Penny suspiciously. "Has this mortal ever been to our realm?" he asked.

"Well, yes," Penny admitted. "I took Leonard with me to the potion shop a couple of times, about a month ago."

Both Arthur and Bombay's expressions grew serious. "That must be it, then," Bombay said. "Mortals should not be exposed to our realm—it has weird and unpredictable effects on them."

"So wait a minute," Leonard cut in, realizing what they were implying. "You're saying I'm getting magic powers, too?"

"Perhaps," Bombay nodded. "Has anything else unusual happened to you since you visited our realm?"

"My asthma and allergies have gone away," Leonard said. A wide smile was beginning to spread across his face. "This is cool! Penny, you and I will be a lot more compatible now!"

"I am not sure this is a good thing," Bombay warned, however.

"Why not?" Leonard demanded.

"Mortals aren't meant to deal with such powers," Bombay told him. "You may be unable to control it. After all, you made those fictional characters real without meaning to, didn't you?"

"Well, yes…"

"If your power grows, you may cause other unexplainable things to occur around other mortals," Bombay pointed out. "That would jeopardize our secret. The Witches Council would not look favorably on something like that."

"So what are you suggesting?" Penny asked.

"I suggest we nip the problem in the bud," Bombay said. "We should remove these powers from this mortal."

"Well, wait a minute!" Leonard protested. "It wasn't that long ago you came in here and _gave_ powers like this to Penny! How is this any different?!"

"For one thing," Arthur pointed out. "Penny was born a witch but her powers were suppressed. Maurice and Dr. Bombay just made sure she ended up with what she was supposed to have in the first place. You, on the other hand, _aren't_ supposed to have them."

"Sweetie." Penny was giving him a commiserating look. "I hate to say it, but I think they're right. These powers I have now are a lot more trouble than I thought they would be."

"I don't understand," Leonard said. "I thought you wanted them."

"I did, but they cause me a lot of problems every day, mostly because I have to resist using them to solve any problem that comes up," Penny explained. "I could zap us a million dollars if I wanted to, I could make every doctor I visit buy the medicines I'm selling, but doing that would make everything pointless. You know I wanted to be a famous actress, and I could _totally_ do that now, but what would it mean if I just waved my hand and began starring in movies?"

"That's not something I'd need to do," Leonard said. "I'm an experimental physicist—I can't just change reality to suit my whim."

Arthur gave Bombay a smug look. "They're so naïve when they're young, aren't they?" Bombay chuckled.

"Regardless," Leonard said to Penny. "Listen, I want us to be happy together. If you think I should give up these powers, I will."

"Oh, Leonard," Penny said, becoming exasperated. "You're doing it _again_."

"Doing what?"

"You're knuckling under! Do you think I _want_ you to give up these powers?"

"I don't know," Leonard said honestly. "It seems like you don't really want me to be like you."

"Oh!" Penny huffed, irritated. She turned to Bombay. "Is he better off _with_ or _without_ these powers?"

"Well…" Bombay thought for several seconds. "If he can learn to control them, he would be better off with them, obviously. But we don't really know if he's going to develop witchcraft at all—as I said, exposure to our realm causes weird and unpredictable effects. They could just as easily fade away in time."

"If that's the case," Leonard decided. "Maybe we should just see what happens, then."

"Right, then." Bombay picked up his doctor bag. "Well, back to my cave." He disappeared.

"Splendid!" Arthur said. He threw an arm across Leonard's shoulders. "Welcome to the family, Lenny. Here, have a cigar."

"But I don't smoke—" Leonard managed to say before a stogie appeared in his mouth. "Um, thanks," he muttered around the cigar.

"Well, I must be popping off," Arthur said. "Perhaps I'll look up my dear sister and see what mischief she's been up to lately." He vanished.

"Huh," Leonard said, after Arthur had gone. "He wasn't too bad, really. I could get used to someone like—"

The cigar exploded in Leonard's mouth, leaving his face covered in soot and the end of the cigar spread apart like a blooming tobacco plant. "—him," Leonard finished, annoyed.

Penny snapped her fingers. The cigar and soot disappeared. "I guess we better do something with Sheldon," she suggested. "He's been standing there all this time."

"He won't remember any of this, will he?" Leonard asked worriedly.

"He's going to think it was another weird dream," Penny said. She gestured toward Sheldon's bedroom and Sheldon disappeared. "In fact, _I'm_ going to think this was nothing but a weird dream."

Leonard looked at her. "What do you think's going to happen with these powers?" he asked.

"I suppose we'll just have to find out," she shrugged. "But it's a hell of a Christmas gift, you have to admit."

**-=o=-**

"Wait, Mr. Spock!" Sheldon moaned in his sleep. "Take me back to the future with you!" He sat up suddenly, finding himself in his own bed.

"Just a dream…" he muttered, then looked down at the box of cookies he was still holding. "Hold on a second—one of my cookies is missing!

"_Leonard_!"


	7. The Growth Recalibration

.

**Episode Seven**

**The Growth Recalibration**

_Updated_ 1/10/2015

**-=o=-**

Penny poked her head into apartment 4A, finding Leonard sitting in the chair next to the couch, writing intently in a notebook. She knew Sheldon was out on a Date Night with Amy this Friday night in late January, but Leonard hadn't come over to see her since he got home a few hours ago. "Hey, sweetie," she said. "What's up?"

Leonard looked up in surprise. "Oh, hi," he said. There was a trace of discomfort in his voice, as if he hadn't expected to see her. He held up the notebook in his hand. "I'm just—it's a little project I've been working on, lately."

"About what?" Penny asked, coming into the apartment and over to where Leonard was sitting. He closed the notebook as she approached.

"What's going on?" she asked, wondering what he was hiding. "Leonard," she gave him a sly smile. "You're not drawing dirty pictures again, are you?"

"No," he said, in an _of-course-not_ tone of voice. "It's just—I'm kind of—um," he faltered, tilting his head as that would shake his words loose. Finally, "I'm—doing some experiments," he murmured, in a low voice.

"What kind of experiments?" Penny asked, curiously.

"Um," he said. "Magical ones."

"Oh, Leonard," Penny sighed. Ever since he'd found out that going to the witches' realm had given him magical powers, Leonard had been acting a bit…squirrelly. She'd let it slide for some time, knowing how it felt to suddenly be given powers you could barely comprehend. But now she had to get to the bottom of things, for his own good. "Alright," she said in a commanding tone. "Spill it. What have you been doing?"

Leonard squirmed a bit. "Well, you know I'm an experimental physicist, right? I'm just trying to understand the parameters of what's been happening to me."

Penny softened a bit. "Okay, I get it. I guess." She pointed to his notebook, which floated out of his hands into hers. "So what kinds of experiments have you been doing?" she asked, opening the notebook and looking through the pages. There were a _lot_ of entries in the notebook, with a lot of numbers she didn't understand.

Leonard smiled at her interest, instantly going into lecture mode. "I've been trying to reproduce simple types of magic in various ways. You know, making things come to me, turning light switches on and off, things of that nature. After that thing with the Star Trek characters, most of what I've tried has been hit and miss, though," he added, in a flat voice. "Sometimes I can make things happen, sometimes I can't.

"So I've tried to change the experiments in small ways, varying parameters such as weight, distance traveled, or proximity. Um—" he could see Penny's eyes beginning to glaze over. "In other words, just changing one variable at a time. For example, I would try to turn off the light switch in my room from a foot away one night, from two feet the next night, and so on. And I've recorded the success or failure of each experiment."

"Hmm, I see," Penny said, letting the notebook float back to Leonard. "So what did you find out?"

Leonard's face filled with frustration. "Nothing. I mean, there's no consistent pattern to when I can or can't work magic. For example, last week I did an experiment using dice, trying to duplicate your results at throwing sevens every time. I was able to do it—" Leonard opened the notebook, searching out the page of his results. "—only 45.4 percent of the time. If I was doing it by random chance I would get a seven 16.67 percent of the time."

"That's still more than twice as often," Penny pointed out.

"Yes, but then _why_ was I able to conjure up Zachary Quinto's Spock and Commander Data out of nothing?" Leonard wondered, running a hand nervously through his hair. "That sort of magic seems completely beyond what I'm capable of doing now, which isn't that much, if you want to know the truth."

"Well, Leonard," Penny didn't really know what to say, except, "Dr. Bombay told us that the other place had unpredictable effects on mortals."

"I know that," Leonard agreed.

"And he said that this magic of yours might not even last," Penny reminded him. "Maybe it's fading away."

Leonard nodded, looking a little morose. "I suppose…"

"Aw, I'm sorry, sweetie," she said softly, leaning over and giving him a hug. "I know you wanted us to be more alike."

"It would have been cool," Leonard said into her shoulder, in a tone that was more resigned than sad. "But you may be right, this may have been a temporary thing."

"You're not upset, are you?" Penny asked, leaning back and looking him in the eye.

Leonard smiled bravely. "I'm fine," he said, in that tone that reminded her of a puppy dog's whine for attention. "I'll be fine," he added, making the puppy dog eyes.

Penny _hated_ to see him like this, and at the same time it kicked in her desire to make him feel better. "So," she murmured in a seductive tone, "what do you say we go lie down for a while together?"

"I'd like that," Leonard said, leaning forward to kiss her softly. "In fact, I was kind of _wishing_ for something like this to happen…"

"Well, if wishes were horses," Penny misquoted, "then physicists would ride. But _you're_ not going to be doing the riding tonight…"

**-=o=-**

_The following afternoon—_

Penny was back in her apartment, sitting on the couch with a mostly-empty bottle and a full glass of wine in front of her on the coffee table. She'd come home right after she'd awakened that morning, not even waking Leonard up to tell him she was leaving. Earlier that morning she'd heard Sheldon and Leonard leave the apartment—Sheldon obviously had errands to run, and Leonard was playing chauffeur, as usual. He had texted her sometime later, probably while waiting on Sheldon, writing, "LAST NIGHT WAS WONDERFUL, SEE YOU SOON :)"—Penny had texted a simple smiley face in return, not wanting to get into a texting conversation with him. She had spent the morning drinking and thinking, and her thoughts were not happy ones.

She _should_ be happy. After more than a decade in California, she finally had a good job and a fiancé, a wonderful guy who loved her unconditionally. She had friends she got along pretty well with, and she hadn't gotten pregnant yet, though it hadn't been for lack of occasions for _that_ to occur. Her dad even _liked_ Leonard!

So what was wrong with her?  
Was it the fact that she was a witch? About six months ago her grandfather, a warlock named Maurice, had shown up on her doorstep and convinced her to take a test to see if there was any latent magic in her. There was, and a witch doctor named Bombay had given her a potion that turned it back on. Since then she'd been studying a book on magic, learning how to cast spells and do the things witches and warlocks could do. She'd met several members of her grandfather's family, and they'd been supportive of her—well, more or less. She still hadn't told her dad or mom about the witch thing yet, mostly because she didn't know how to approach her dad about the situation. He was Maurice's illegitimate son and over 150 years old, but no one in their family had known that until Maurice told her. She wasn't sure what she was going to say to her dad the next time she saw him.

For now, however, being a witch meant that she could have anything she wanted—literally. If she wanted to be rich she could whip up bundles of cash in a moment. If she wanted to be a big movie star she could arrange that, easy-peasy. She could travel the world at leisure if she desired. That's what most of her witchy relations seemed to be doing, anyway.

So why wasn't she happy?

There was a knock on her door. "Come in," she said, already knowing who it was. Bernadette had texted earlier, asking if she could come over and hang out for a while. "It's unlocked."

Bernadette entered the apartment. "Hi," she said. "How's it going?"

"Okay, I guess," Penny lied. "Want some wine?" she asked, holding up the bottle. "I'll race you to the bottom of this sauvignon blanc."

"Looks like you've got a pretty big head start," Bernadette said, smiling.

"Yeah," Penny agreed, sipping on her glass as she poured one for Bernadette, who sat down on the couch next to her.

"Any idea what you and Leonard are doing for Valentine's Day this year?" Bernadette asked. Valentine's Day was a few weeks away.

"Not really," Penny mumbled. "Last year we almost killed Raj's dog—we were thinking of maybe going to the park and poisoning pigeons this year."

"So what's up?" Bernadette asked, sensing something not-right with Penny. "You seem a little down." She sipped on her glass of wine.

"I don't know," Penny sighed. "I just feel kind of—well, _bleah_."

Bernadette recognized this behavior periodically in Penny. She began to doubt her relationship with Leonard every so often, thinking it wasn't as exciting or gratifying as it _ought_ to be. Never mind that in the past Penny was always more unhappy _without_ Leonard than with him. "You're not thinking about breaking up with Leonard again, are you?"

"What? No," Penny looked vaguely surprised at the comment. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, it's one of your patterns," Bernadette reminded her. "We've been over this before, you know."

"I know," Penny agreed. "But it's not that…" She frowned, trying to think of some way to explain herself. "I'm just—" but there seemed to be no way to express it other than— "I'm a witch."

Bernadette's face went into a wry smile. "Come on, you're not that bad," she said, misunderstanding. "I mean, you can be a little bitchy every so often, but that's just PMS, I'm guessing." She took another sip of wine.

"No," Penny said. She sat down her glass of wine. "I'm not kidding. I'm a witch. A real, card-carrying, spell-casting witch." She stared evenly at Bernadette, waiting to see what would happen.

Thoughts were whirling through Bernadette's head, most of them centered on the amount of alcohol Penny had probably consumed so far that day. "I think that's enough of this," she said, moving the bottle of wine out of Penny's reach.

"That's not the problem," Penny said flatly. "I'm not drunk—well, I _am_, but not enough to start making _this_ stuff up. I really am a witch, and I'm taking a big risk telling you since if we're not really friends you'll forget everything about me in a few seconds."

"Why would I forget about you?" Bernadette asked, taking another gulp of wine.

"Because the Witches Council cast a spell that makes mortals forget everything they know about a person if they tell them they're a witch before that person's ready to hear it," Penny explained.

"The Witches Council?" Bernadette repeated. "Are you serious?" Unconsciously she drained her glass of wine, then filled it again from the bottle.

"Yeah," Penny said, with a shrug. "I told Amy about me a few months ago and she forgot all about me."

"Yeah," Bernadette remembered. "We thought she was just upset with you for some reason and was pretending not to know you. She really forgot all about you?"

Penny nodded. She picked up her glass of wine and drained it. "I was able to get a potion that restored her memory of me, so nobody knew what had happened." She sat the glass down and reached for the bottle, but Bernadette moved it out of reach. She sat back, giving Bernadette a long look. "That's not going to work," she said. She held up her hand and the bottle of wine floated off the coffee table and over to Penny.

Bernadette flinched away. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "How did you _do_ that?!"

"I told you," Penny said. "I'm a witch." She poured more wine into her glass. The bottle floated back to its spot on the coffee table as Bernadette watched it, eyes wide with surprise and apprehension. "Convinced yet? Still remember who I am?"

"Hold on," Bernadette said, as the situation gradually became clear to her. "You told _Amy_ you were a witch before you told _me_? How come?!"

"It's was a spur-of-the-moment thing," Penny explained. "She and I went to lunch one day right after I became a witch—I had to tell _someone_ or I was going to burst!"

"And how long have you been a witch now?" Bernadette demanded, taking a long, hard drink from her wine glass.

"About six months," Penny said, beginning to lean away from Bernadette as she recognized the diminutive blonde getting worked up.

"And you _just now_ thought to tell me about this?!" Bernadette shouted. "What kind of friend do you think I am?!"

"Well, obviously a real one," Penny said quickly. "Otherwise, you'd be asking me who I was and why you were in my apartment about now."

Bernadette opened her mouth to yell at Penny for not trusting her, but suddenly closed it again as a horrible thought occurred to her. "How did you manage to get that job at my company?" she asked.

Penny flinched at the implication. "I didn't use magic, if that's what you're asking! I mean, I almost didn't get the job at all!"

"What?!" Bernadette looked outraged by that. "Why not?"

"Dan said the only reason he interviewed me was because he was afraid of _you_," Penny replied. "And I went for the same reason." Bernadette sat back, stunned by that revelation. "I sucked at that interview," Penny continued. "The only reason I got the job was because Dan was afraid of what you'd do if I didn't get it."

"I can't believe it," Bernadette breathed. "You got the job because I'm a _bully_?" She gulped down the rest of her glass of wine.

"No, no!" Penny said quickly. Then, "Well, yeah, I guess so. But I didn't use any magic, on you or anyone. I don't even think I _was_ a witch when I went for that interview!"

"So, what does this—magic—of yours let you do?" Bernadette asked, curiously.

"Pretty much anything," Penny said. "I'm still learning, but there doesn't seem to be much I _can't_ do, if I can find a spell for it."

"What does Leonard think about this?"

Penny shook her head. "That's _another_ problem."

"You mean he doesn't know you're a witch?" Bernadette guessed.

"No, he knows," Penny said. "But a couple of months ago I took him with me to pick up a potion—it was to help Howard's mom lose weight, by the way, and you saw what happened with _that_—and exposing him to the realm where witches and warlocks live cured his asthma and gave him magical powers."

"What?!" Bernadette gasped. "You mean _Leonard_ can do magic, too?!"

"A weaker form of it," Penny admitted. "He can't actually control it very well, yet. It's more like _wishcraft_ than witchcraft—he can wish for something to happen and sometimes it works, sometimes not. He's been experimenting with it for the past month."

Bernadette was holding her head, trying to get it to wrap around everything Penny was telling her. "So you're saying—you can give _other people_ magic powers? That would be amazing!"

"Wait a minute—I don't know that it works that way," Penny cautioned. "I've been told exposing mortals to the witches' realm has strange and unpredictable effects on them."

"Well, it would be worth trying again, don't you think?" Bernadette suggested. She had a sudden desire to be like Penny, who it felt like at this moment had led something of a charmed life compared to hers.

"I was warned not to do it again," Penny said carefully, trying not to piss Bernadette off.

"And you always do what you're told?" Bernadette demanded in a irritated tone. "Who's going to know?"

"Um…" Penny thought of all the witches and warlocks she knew—Maurice, her grandfather; his wife Endora, cousin Serena, Uncle Arthur. Doctor Bombay, who'd given her the potion that had made her a witch. Even Emily, Raj's girlfriend, had turned out to be a witch! "What if there's a problem?"

"What makes you think there's going to be a problem?" Bernadette growled. "You think I don't have what it takes?!"

"I didn't say that!" Penny said quickly. "I guess we can give it a try." Although it seemed like alcohol and poor judgment were winning _again_. She reached out and took Bernadette's hand. "Here we go." The two of them vanished.

**-=o=-**

_A week later—_

"Did your mother say why she wanted us over for dinner tonight?" Bernadette asked Howard as they drove over to her house.

"Not really," Howard muttered in a subdued tone. He hadn't been in a particularly good mood today, she noted to herself. "She just said she wanted to talk to us about something."

"Do you think it's about her and Stuart?" Bernadette asked, trying to find out what Howard was thinking.

"I have no idea, Bernie," Howard said shortly. "Ever since she lost all that weight she's been acting—well, strange."

"Yeah, that weight…" Bernadette said. Now that she knew why Howard's mother had lost all that weight, she wished she could tell him what had happened. But she'd promised Penny she'd keep it to herself. That and the fact that she was waiting to see what effect traveling to the witches' realm would have on _her_. So far there had been nothing. "Do you think she'll manage to keep the weight off?"

"Maybe," Howard said. "Given that she's been eating something like a _whole brisket_ every night since Thanksgiving and hasn't gained a pound." He glanced at Bernie with a wry smile. "Kind of amazing, isn't it?"

"It is," Bernadette agreed, not trusting herself to say anything more.

In the house they found Howard's mother, as expected, still as thin as she had been back in late November after her stay in the hospital. Stuart was there, too, with the usual dour, downtrodden expression he always wore plastered across his face. They were seated together on the couch.

What was unexpected was the third person present. It was Jeanie, Howard's second cousin and the person he had lost his virginity to when they were both 15. She had a pleasant though determined expression on her face as Bernadette and Howard came into the living room.

"Jeanie?" Howard said, surprised to see her. "They invited you over for dinner, too?"

"Well, sort of," Jeanie said, uneasily.

"Jeanie is living here now," Stuart spoke up.

"Say what?" Howard gasped.

"Stuart and Debbie asked me to move in," Jeanie said. "And I said yes."

"You moved in," Howard said, pointing at Stuart, "with _him_?"

"And you're _okay_ with this?" Bernadette said to Mrs. Wolowitz. "When Howard and I got married you didn't even like the idea we were sleeping in the same bed!"

"I've been lonely since Howard left," Debbie said, defensively. "Stewie's been a comfort to me since he's come here. And if Jeanie wants to give the milk away for free, who am I to argue?"

"_I can't believe this_!" Bernadette shouted, surprising even Howard with her vehemence. "You!" she stalked over to Stuart, poking her finger in his chest. "You've been taking advantage since you got here! When are you gonna grow up and go out on your own, you bum?!" she growled, looking him straight in the eye.

Stuart didn't reply for several seconds, a look of surprise and incomprehension on his face. Finally, he said, "Are—are you getting taller?"

"What do you mean?" Bernadette snapped. "Don't try to change the subject-!"

"He's not," Howard said, in a strangled tone. She turned her head to look at him, and found herself looking _down_. She was taller than Howard! "Bernie, are you wearing lifts or—"

Bernadette looked down at herself. Her clothes, comfortable on her five-foot frame, were now too small for her body—she was as tall as Stuart! _Is _this_ what the witches' realm did to me_? She thought briefly before realizing she had to get out of there before she got even taller.

There might be some normal way to explain her mother-in-law losing over 100 pounds of weight in a week, but people did _not_ just grow several inches at a time! She had to beat a hasty retreat.

"Listen!" she said loudly, backing away and hunching over to hide the change in her height. "I don't need this! You all need to work this out among yourselves! I've got better things to do!" _Like hightail it over to Penny's and find out what's happened to me_! "Howard, I'll see you later after you get things straightened out here!" She spun and headed for the door.

"Bernie?" Howard said, uncertainly, but the door slammed in his face. Standing there, Howard heard their car start up and leave, tires squealing as she backed out of the driveway and sped away.

He looked back at the others, who were staring at him, their faces showing just as much confusion as he felt. "So, where were we?" Howard asked blandly, trying to hide his own embarrassment.

**-=o=-**

Not finding Penny in her own apartment, Bernadette stormed back across the hallway to 4A, banging repeatedly on the door until Leonard answered it.

"Oh hi, Bernadette," Leonard said. "Come—"

"Out of the way, short stuff," she snapped, elbowing him aside so she could enter the apartment, noting as she did that she towered over Leonard as well. The smell of Hamburger Hamlet burgers filled the apartment. The restaurant had recently reopened in Sherman Oaks. It was a 10-mile drive from Pasadena, but the burgers were worth it. Penny, Amy and Bernadette had eaten there several times before the Pasadena location closed down.

But food wasn't the point of her being here now. "Look at me!" she snapped at Penny, who was staring wide-eyed at her from the couch. "This is what that place of yours did to me!"

"Ah, Bernadette—" Penny said warningly, looking at the other end of the couch, where another pair of eyes was staring at Bernadette.

"Bernadette, what has happened to you?" Sheldon asked, coming to his feet.

"What does it _look like_ happened to me?" Bernadette shouted at him. "I'm growing!" She was even taller now than she'd been at Howard's mother's house—she was nearly eye level with Sheldon now!

"But that's impossible!" Sheldon objected. "The pituitary gland, which secretes somatotropin, or growth hormone, ceases production in late adolescence, normally by age 18. You should not be getting any taller."

"Do I _look_ like I'm not any taller, Sheldon?" Bernadette snapped. Her dress looked like a miniskirt now, and her blouse sleeves ended halfway down her forearms. She spun toward Penny, pointing at her accusingly. "And it's all _your_ fault!"

"_My_ fault?" Penny leapt to her feet as well. "I warned you about—about what might happen!"

"What happened?" Sheldon wanted to know.

"Penny's a witch!" Bernadette blurted out. That statement hung in the air for several seconds while Leonard, Penny, Bernadette and Sheldon stared at one another. Sheldon stood stock-still as his brain tried to process what Bernadette had said.

"That's not a very nice thing to say about your friend," Sheldon said, predictably misunderstanding Bernadette's meaning. "I know Penny can be quite abrasive at times, even harsh when it comes to interacting with others, but I wouldn't go so far as to call her—"

"You don't get it, Sheldon!" Bernadette cut him off. "Penny's a _real_ witch—"

"Bernadette!" Leonard said warningly, trying to keep Sheldon from learning the truth.

"—A card-carrying, cauldron stirring, broom flying, spell-casting witch," Bernadette continued inexorably. "She can do real magic, just like in Harry Potter! She gave Howard's mom a potion that made her lose all that weight, and she cast a spell that made Mr. Spock appear at your door Christmas morning!"

"But that was a dream," Sheldon said, looking at Penny and Leonard. "I remember waking up in bed afterwards—"

"Oh, grow up!" Bernadette raged at him. "She _made_ you fall asleep and put you in bed! And all those other characters who showed up—" she pointed a finger at Leonard "—were caused by your _roommate_, who can do magic, too!"

Sheldon's mouth was hanging open in shock. He looked at Leonard. "Is this true, Leonard? Penny?"

"Well…" Leonard had no idea what to say now. "Penny?"

Penny looked just as lost. "I…can't really…dispute what Bernadette said," she muttered, wondering when Sheldon would simply forget everything he knew about her.

Sheldon looked hurt. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. "I thought you said we were friends."

Leonard and Penny glanced at one another. Sheldon didn't look like he was going to forget. "We weren't sure how you'd take it, buddy," Leonard said. "I mean, it's not something you normally find out about someone."

Sheldon stared at the two of them. "In the past year I've left the comfort of my apartment and traveled across the entire U.S. I've told Amy I loved her, even before she told me. I've agreed to let Leonard live with Penny."

"One night a week," Leonard pointed out.

"Irrelevant," Sheldon declared. "I would say we're already through the looking glass, as far as learning unusual things about _me_. The fact that Penny can perform magic doesn't seem all that amazing, compared to those things."

A smile formed on Penny's lips. Trust Sheldon to make it all about himself! "I'm glad to hear you say that, sweetie," she said happily. "I was worried that you might not be able to handle it."

"Yeah, great," Bernadette snapped angrily. "Now what about _me_? I'm still growing!" She was taller than Sheldon now, and her clothes were about ready to burst at the seams, so small were they on her now.

"Yeah, sorry," Penny said. "We better fix those clothes." She snapped her fingers. Bernadette's clothing immediately enlarged so she looked normal again. All six-foot-four of her.

Sheldon jumped as Bernadette's clothes changed. "That's remarkable!" he said, amazed. "What else can you do?" he asked Penny.

"Never mind that now!" Bernadette shouted. "How do I get back to normal?!"

"Well," Penny said reluctantly. "I think I need to call in some help." She looked up at the ceiling and said, "Calling Doctor Bombay! Calling Doctor Bombay! Emergency, come right away!"

Bombay appeared, dressed in a white doctor's coat and carrying his usual doctor's bag. He sighed as he saw Penny. "Again?" he asked tartly. "What kind of mischief have you been up to _now_, Penny?" Turning, he saw Sheldon staring at him in amazement. "And who's _this_ fellow? Another mortal?"

"That's Sheldon, Doctor," Leonard interjected quickly. "He know about you. Well, not _you_, specifically, but, but the fact that you—that is to say, witches—or warlocks in your case—exist."

Bombay stared at Leonard a long moment. "Thank you, dear boy, for that incisive explanation." He looked around the room. "Now, what seems to be the problem here?"

"It's me," Bernadette said, a little calmer now that help had arrived. "I've started growing. My normal height is five feet, but I must be over six feet tall by now."

Bombay ran his eyes over Bernadette's form. "Ah yes," he said appreciatively. "Quite a long drink of water, as it were. Ha-ha! Very nice," he murmured to himself, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

Penny could almost guess what thoughts were running through the witch doctor's mind. "She's married," she said in a low voice.

"Oh, dash it all," Bombay muttered. "Well, then," he continued in a normal tone, setting his doctor's bag on Leonard's desk and opening it. "Let's find out what's going on then, shall we?"

Bernadette looked at Penny. "I think you ought to tell him," she said.

Penny sighed. "Yeah…" she agreed reluctantly. "Bernadette's been to the witches' realm as well," she said to Bombay.

"The witches' realm?" Sheldon said, his eyes glittering with interest. "What's that?"

"Hold on, Sheldon," Leonard said. He stared at Penny in surprise. "You brought Bernadette there, _too_?"

"I know I wasn't supposed to," Penny said, averting her eyes from Bombay, who was giving her a stern look. "But she made me do it!"

"I _made_ you?!" Bernadette snapped. "You didn't have to take me there!"

"You kind of insisted on it," Penny said, defensively. "And I was a bit—impaired that day."

"Yeah, you'd had a snootful of liquor," Bernadette sneered.

"A couple of glasses of wine," Penny explained quickly. "So did you!"

"Nevertheless," Bombay said imperiously, "Penny, you were warned not to bring any other mortal into our realm. However, that's water under the bridge for now. Let's stick with the problem at hand." He took out the ear scope device and shone it into Bernadette's ear. "Yes, it's the same problem as before," he said, putting the scope away. "Our realm has unpredictable results on mortals. In this case, the young lady may have been thinking about being taller while she was there, and the magic inherent in our realm reacted to that. When did you first notice you were getting taller?" he asked Bernadette.

"At my mother-in-law's house," Bernadette answered. "I was arguing with someone there and noticed I had become as tall as he was. I decided to come here and show Penny what had happened to me."

"And were you upset or angry during your trip here?" Bombay asked.

"Well, I wasn't exactly happy about it!" Bernadette snarled. She felt herself suddenly edge upward another inch.

"I think we've uncovered the stimulus for your growth spurts," Bombay said. "You tend to grow when you become angry."

"Huh!" Sheldon said. He'd been observing all this with fascination. "Just like Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk whenever _he_ gets angry!"

"Quite," Bombay agreed. "Only in this case, the madder Bernadette gets, the _taller_ she gets. Ha-ha!" He saw Penny giving him a strange look. "What, you don't think warlocks read comic books?"

"Doctor, do you think it might work in reverse, too?" Leonard asked. "If Bernadette were to calm down would she return to her normal height?"

"Don't tell _me_ to calm down!" Bernadette said hotly. "This is all _your_ fault anyway!"

"My fault?!" Leonard protested. "How is it _my_ fault?!"

"I was supposed to get magic powers like you did, not this weird growing thing!" Bernadette cried. She broke down at that moment, dropping onto the couch and dissolving into tears. "Howard and everyone saw me get taller!" she sobbed. "How am I going to explain this to them?"

"I wouldn't worry about that now," Bombay said soothingly. "We can sort that out directly. For now, I want you to stand up and take deep, calming breaths." Bernadette nodded, got to her feet, and began breathing steadily.

"That's right," Bombay nodded. "Now close your eyes and think of some place restful and relaxing." Bernadette did this as well, and with each exhale she seemed to get a little shorter in stature. In a few moments she had shrunk below six feet, then down to five and a half feet.

"Now, in a few moments I'm going to give you something to drink," Bombay said, reaching into his doctor's bag and taking out a small bottle. "This will neutralize the magic absorbed while you were in our realm, halting your body's growth spurts when you become angry." He put the bottle in her hands.

Bernadette suddenly opened her eyes. "Would it be possible for me to be a few inches taller?" she asked.

Bombay frowned. "I don't know…"

"_Please_?" Bernadette pleaded. "Just a few inches taller!"

Bombay smiled, softening. "Oh, all right. I can never say no to a pretty girl. I'll call out your height as you shrink. Drink the potion when you reach the height you wish to be." Bernadette smiled and held the bottle up, ready to drink.

"You're five-foot-six now," Bombay said. "Five-five, five-four, three, two—"

"Good enough," Bernadette said, draining the bottle. She made a face. "Oh my God, that tastes awful!" She looked down at herself. "Did it work?"

"Why don't you get angry and see?" Sheldon suggested, watching intently to see what would happen. "Shorty," he added.

Bernadette looked up sharply at Sheldon. "Bite me," she snapped at him. Nothing happened. "I guess it's good," she said happily.

"Right, then," Bombay said, snapping his bag closed. He turned, wagging a finger reproachfully at Penny. "And no more bringing mortals into our realm, do you hear me?"

"Yes, sir," Penny said quietly, hanging her head in shame.

"Very good," Bombay nodded sternly, then picked up his bag. "Well, I'm off, then." He vanished.

This left the four of them staring at one another in varying stages of astonishment, confusion, and embarrassment.

Sheldon broke the silence. "Since when did Penny become a witch? And if _that's_ true, why am I not a wizard?"

"It's a long story, sweetie," Penny told him.

"And it's like in Harry Potter," Leonard added quickly. "You have to have the right type of blood to be a wizard."

"But Bernadette said _you_ could do magic, too," Sheldon said accusingly. "How could _you_ have the right type of blood and not me?"

"It's because I took Leonard with me to the witches' realm a few months ago," Penny said. "It cured his asthma and allergies and gave him limited magical ability."

"I _wondered_ why I hadn't seen you using your inhaler for some time now," Sheldon said to Leonard. "So it _is_ possible for me to become a wizard, then."

"But it's not likely, Sheldon," Leonard said. "My magic is fading now, it'll probably be completely gone before long. Sorry, buddy, I just don't think it's possible for us to become warlocks."

Sheldon didn't speak for a long moment. Then he shrugged. "Oh, well. It would have been interesting, however, to see how much my contributions to science would have increased by me being a wizard."

"I guess I should get back over to Howard's mom," Bernadette said, moving toward the door. "We were supposed to have dinner over there. Don't worry, I won't say anything about you to him." She looked down at herself, then at Penny, pointing to her now oversized clothes. "Um, could you?"

"Sure," Penny said, snapping her fingers. Bernadette's clothes fitted perfectly once again.

"Thanks," Bernadette said. "Oh, by the way," she added. "It looks like Stuart and Howard's mom invited Jeanie to stay with them."

"No way!" Penny gasped. "What did Howard say to that?"

"We just found out today," Bernadette said. "He wasn't happy, to say the least! But then I started getting taller, and I had to get out of there before they started asking questions I couldn't answer."

"What do you think Howard's going to say when he finds out you're two inches taller?" Leonard asked, grinning.

"I'll just tell him I'm wearing taller heels," Bernadette said, smiling. "I really wanted to be five-foot-six, but I thought that would be pushing things a bit too much. See you later," she said, exiting the apartment.

She was barely gone before Sheldon spoke again. "You betrayed me," he said to both Penny and Leonard. "Why did you think I would be unable to handle knowing Penny was a witch? Or that you can do magic now, Leonard?"

"It's not as simple as that, Sheldon," Leonard said, trying to think of something to mollify him. "It's, um…"

"It's a secret," Penny said suddenly. "You know how you are with secrets, Sheldon. You keep telling us that you can't keep them."

"True," Sheldon agreed, emotionlessly. "I dislike being forced into the covenant of secret-keeping. But I am open to you _asking_ me whether I would keep the secret or not. You didn't do that."

"Sheldon, _how_ could we ask you whether you would keep a secret if we had to tell you what the secret was in the first place?" Leonard asked.

"You could always give me a hint what the secret was, so I could decide whether I could keep it or not," Sheldon suggested.

"That would amount to the same thing," Leonard pointed out.

"Oh, not at all!" Sheldon disagreed. "A hint is not the same as simply telling me the secret."

"Fine, then," Leonard agreed, wearily. "Next time we'll give you a hint and you can decide whether you want to know the secret or not."

"Agreed," Sheldon nodded. There was a long moment of silence. "So, about this Penny being a witch thing…"

"Oh my God," Penny exploded. "Sheldon, it's a secret! Don't tell _anybody_, not even Amy!"

"I thought the boyfriend-girlfriend covenant overrode external covenants such as secret-keeping—" Sheldon began.

"_Not even Amy_!" Penny said again, even louder this time. "Or so help me, I'll turn you into a giraffe and stick you in the Los Angeles Zoo!"

"Fine," Sheldon said, backing away from her. "Boy, you really _are_ a witch."

**-=o=-**

**A/N: I finished this episode fairly quickly. Keeping them to 5 or 6 thousand words makes them easier to write. **

**Now Bernadette and Sheldon are in the know about Penny's witchcraft and Leonard's limited ability to perform magic. And Bernadette didn't end up being a witch like she wanted, but she did get a few inches out of her trip the witches' realm. I guess it's a good thing I didn't make her boobs grow…**

**I'm not sure how Sheldon will react, long term, to Penny being a witch. He's not really into desiring material stuff like money or things, he's more into being recognized for his scientific achievements. I doubt Penny will conjure up a Nobel Prize for him, though. **

**123justafan suggested that Leonard's mom Beverly might be a witch and have suppressed Leonard's witchcraft. Er, I don't know, I think that would be a stretch, even in this story. Leonard's history, while still a bit sketchy, is still better developed than Penny's. We still don't even know her last name! The idea that the witches' realm can have weird effects on normal humans makes it possible to do things like give Leonard wishcraft and make Bernadette grow taller when she gets angry. In addition, **_**Bewitched**_** showed there were other ways for mortals to be given magical powers. In season six Darrin was given a pocket watch that gave him magical powers. In another episode, a mortal had a talisman that he unwittingly used to perform magic until Samantha and Endora took it away from him. **


	8. The Old Flame Recombination

.

**Episode Eight**

**The Old Flame Recombination**

_Updated_ 2/8/2015

-=o=-

"Leonard, I've been thinking."

Sheldon said this as Leonard entered their apartment after returning from having dinner in Penny's apartment.

"Really?" Leonard asked, going to the refrigerator for a bottle of water. "Oh, boy, I can hardly wait to hear!"

Sheldon gave him a wary look. "I sense sarcasm. But as my ideas are always brilliant and insightful, that seems misplaced. Perhaps you were going for awe and admiration and simply misspoke."

"Could be," Leonard said, sipping on the bottled water. "So what have you got?"

"I've been considering some changes to the apartment," Sheldon said.

"What? Really?" Leonard said, surprised. In the past seven years their apartment had changed very little. Sheldon was mostly _against_ change of any kind—except, of course, those changes that he instituted. "So what've you got in mind?"

"I have a list," Sheldon said, handing Leonard a typewritten sheet of paper. Leonard took it and began reading.

"Ah. Hmm," Leonard said after several moments. "Some of these changes are rather involved. For example, exactly what do you mean by 'Convert my bedroom to a Thinkatorium.'?"

"Oh, that!" Sheldon smiled happily. "One of my better ideas, I must say. My room will be expanded to hold (a) my bed, which will be king-size; (b) all of my books and research materials; (c) a small dining area, including a kitchen with a replicator unit."

"A replicator? Sheldon, replicators haven't even been invented yet!" Leonard objected.

"Well what difference does _that_ makes," Sheldon retorted. "I'm sure Penny can whip one right up."

That made everything suddenly clear. "Ah. So you expect Penny to just whip up all of this for you with her magic?"

"It would be for _you_, too, Leonard," Sheldon pointed out. "Wouldn't you be happy with a box of ice cream that can never be emptied?"

"I can't eat ice cream, Sheldon," Leonard retorted. "You know I'm lactose intolerant."

"Well, maybe Penny can cure _that_, too."

"If I wanted her to do that I would have asked her already! Not everyone knows that Penny's a witch, Sheldon—I'm starting to think maybe you shouldn't know it, either, if all you're thinking about is what she can do for you with her witchcraft," Leonard complained.

"Well I'm confused," Sheldon sniffed. "I thought witches were supposed to serve humans."

"I don't know where you'd get an idea like that."

"Well from _you_," Sheldon pointed out. "You said Penny was trying to use her powers to help people. Well I'm people, but I don't see her doing anything for me."

"It doesn't work like that!" Leonard sighed, aggravated. "Penny is not your personal genie in a bottle!"

"Maybe she should be," Sheldon said. "Like that TV show where the astronaut finds a genie in a bottle who's willing to do anything for him. I tell you, I would be on the fast track to a Nobel Prize if I had something like that!" Sheldon shook his finger chidingly at Leonard. "Shame on you, for not letting Penny utilize her powers to their fullest advantage!"

Leonard turned and walked toward the door. "Oooh-kay, that's enough of _that_. I'm leaving!"

"Where are you going?"

"Back over to Penny's so I wouldn't have to listen to you!"

"You wouldn't have to listen to me if I had my own Thinkatorium to work in!"

"Aaaaugh!" _Slam_.

-=o=-

"I can't believe that's how Sheldon thinks of you after all this time!" Leonard complained to Penny later in her apartment.

"I suppose I understand where he's coming from," Penny told him.

"Well I wish you'd explain it to _me_," Leonard snapped. "I mean, it's like the part of his brain that's normal like everyone else keeps getting a wedgie from the 'I'm the awesome Sheldon Cooper, bow down and worship my brilliance' part!" He was pacing back and forth in Penny's living room, aggravated by Sheldon's selfishness.

"It's not really that big a deal," Penny said, trying to calm him down. "People who can do things will always be asked to do them for others. Isn't that why the university hired you in the first place, because of what you could do?"

"It's not the same," Leonard disagreed. He finally sat down on the couch as Penny brought him a cup of hot chocolate. "Sheldon is only focused on _Sheldon_. Pretty much everything he does is focused on self-gratification. Which is pretty ironic," he added, looking at her. "Considering that's the one thing he _never_ does." Penny smiled at that as she handed him the cup. Leonard took it and sipped, smiling at the flavor. "That's pretty good," he said. "I didn't know you had hot chocolate mix."

Penny shrugged. "I don't," she said. "I, um, whipped that up with witchcraft."

"Great," Leonard looked upward. "Now I'm a hypocrite as well!"

"No you're not!" Penny admonished him. "Leonard, you didn't ask me for that chocolate! In fact, it's really weird how little you've asked me to use my witchcraft, considering how easy I could make our lives if I did."

"I don't know," Leonard said, sighing as he put down the cup. "I guess I just don't think about what you can do like that. I mean, I know we could go on fabulous vacations and things like that, but that's not why I fell in love with you."

"Oh?" Penny smiled at him bewitchingly. "So why _did_ you fall in love with me?"

"I guess you just bewitched me all by yourself," Leonard said, reaching over to put an arm around her. He kissed her, and the kiss quickly turned passionate.

Suddenly Leonard stopped, looking around at the door.

"What's wrong?" Penny asked, looking at the door as well.

"Well, usually when things get hot between us Sheldon comes a-knocking and ruins things," Leonard said. He looked at the door for several seconds. "Good, he probably went to sleep," he said, turning back to kiss Penny again.

_Knock knock knock_. "Leonard and Penny."

"I think you jinxed us," Penny said, getting up to answer the door as Sheldon knocked and repeated their names two more times. On the third "Leonard and Penny" she opened the door. "What's shakin', bacon?" she asked Sheldon, who was standing there with several sheets of paper in hand.

"Hello Penny," Sheldon said. He had a look of anticipation on his face that Penny recognized as his _I-want-to-get-you-to-do-something-for-me_ look. "We have been friends for a long time now, have we not?"

"I'm not making your room into a Think-a-whatever-it-is-ium," she said flatly, heading him off at the pass.

This only made Sheldon more determined. "Oh, but just think how useful something like that would be, both for you and Leonard as well as for me!" he told her, stepping into the room as Penny went back to sit on the couch next to Leonard.

"How would it be useful for us?" Penny asked. "I'm not even sure what the thing _is_, much less how it's going to be useful to you!"

"The more I use the Thinkatorium, the less I would be around to annoy you and Leonard," Sheldon pointed out.

Penny looked at Leonard. "He does have a point there."

"I know," Leonard agreed. "He can be quite annoying."

"See?" Sheldon said, then paused when he realized what he'd agreed with. "Also, I could use the Thinkatorium to be by myself, to resolve the imponderable mysteries of life, the universe, and everything."

"I usually just use the shower for that," Leonard said, grinning at Sheldon.

"Don't remind me," Sheldon said distastefully. "I still have to scrub it out after your long shower last night."

"The answer is still no," Leonard said. "And you should be ashamed for trying to use Penny like that."

"_You_ use her all the time," Sheldon accused him.

"Excuse me?" Leonard was dumbfounded by that. "How do I _use_ Penny?!"

"For coitus, for starters," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon, we're in love. Besides, that's a mutual thing," Leonard said.

"Mostly," Penny added under her breath. Leonard looked back at her for a moment, and she smiled innocently at him.

"I'll never understand what people see in the act of coitus," Sheldon went on. "People go on about it incessantly. It's everywhere you look—people talking about it, people wanting it day or night. Then once they have it, they take it for granted. It's so confusing."

"Well, sweetie," Penny mused. "Someday, when you put your big boy pants on, you'll know what we're all talking about." She pointed toward the door. "Now, speaking of coitus, it's time for you to go."

"But I'm not done talking about the Thinkatorium—" Sheldon began to protest.

"Yes you are," Penny said, and with a snap of her fingers Sheldon disappeared.

Leonard grinned in delighted disbelief. "What did you do with him?" he asked.

"Just put him back in your apartment," she said, turning around and moving into his arms. "_And_ locked the door so he won't be back. Now, where were we…?"

-=o=-

Leonard pulled into the coffee shop parking lot and got out of his car whistling a happy tune. He swayed a little to the beat of the song he'd been listening to on the radio. It was a wonderful day: the sun was shining this morning, traffic had been light on his way to the university, and best of all—

No Sheldon.

When he'd knocked on Sheldon's door this morning to remind him it was almost time to leave for work, Sheldon had responded that he wasn't going in today—he was going to stay home and build his own Thinkatorium, since Leonard and Penny were both being mean poopy-heads about it.

"Sheldon," Leonard had sighed, exasperated. "Come on, you can't just keep on throwing tantrums when you don't get your way with something."

"The evidence suggests I can," Sheldon had answered through the door. "So you may just as well give up now, get Penny over here, and whip up my Thinkatorium."

"Goodbye, Sheldon," Leonard had said, and smiled as he grabbed his key from the key bowl at the door, realizing that without Sheldon along, he had a lot of options for his trip to work. He'd decided on listening to the radio, and could whistle along with a song that came on. And now, he was stopping for a cup of coffee from the coffee shop. Maybe even a bagel or a muffin, too!

It was sort of sad how small his dreams were.

The coffee shop was bustling with people on their morning commutes, buying coffee and pastries, and chatting with one another and with the shop staff. It was a very comfortable environment. Leonard got into line, asking for an extra-large cappuccino and deciding to try a blueberry muffin that morning. He paid for his coffee and muffin at the cashier, smiling back at the young girl that took his money, then headed for the exit.

As he neared the door, however, he noticed the dining area had added some furnishings: there were plush chairs with tables nearby for one's coffee or breakfast item, and newspapers and magazines on a rack. It was tempting to stop and enjoy his coffee and muffin at leisure rather than bringing it to work with him. It was certainly not something he could do with Sheldon along!

"Hello, Leonard!" the greeting made him look around, startled, at the auburn-haired young woman who had stopped and touched his arm.

"Uh, hi," he said, wondering who she was. He didn't know any women with auburn hair—

"How are you doing?" She asked, with a pretty smile that seemed familiar to him. Where had he seen it before—?

Then it came to him. "Stephanie?" he smiled, delighted to see her again. "I'm doing great!" he told her. "It's good to see you again! It's been a long time!"

"I know," she agreed, with a small, rueful smile. "You know, I feel absolutely _horrid_ that I never called you back after I moved all of my stuff out of your room."

"Oh, it's okay," he said, trying to reassure him. It's not like he hadn't had something like that happen before. In fact, it was the rule, not the exception. "So what are you up to these days? I assume you finished your residency at Fremont…"

"I did," she nodded. "Now I'm in private practice doing plastic surgery work. My job's not far from here—I stop here sometimes for a quick breakfast. I'm surprised we haven't seen each other before now."

"Well, I don't often get a chance to stop for coffee," Leonard told her. "Not when Sheldon's with me."

"Oh yes, Sheldon," she said, and giggled. "I haven't thought about him in quite a while. At least, not as often as I've thought about you," she added. "So, how are things going for you romantically?"

Leonard smiled, but he was a little taken aback by her directness. "Actually, I'm engaged," he said. "To Penny, if you remember her."

"The girl across the hall, right?" She smiled and patted Leonard on the arm. "I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks. How about you?" Leonard noted that her left hand, which she left resting on his arm, had no ring on it.

"Still unattached," she said. She glanced toward the counter. "Well, I better get going or I'm going to be late for work."

"Sure," Leonard agreed. "Me, too." Not really, but it felt like she was making an excuse to end the conversation now that she knew he was unavailable. "Maybe I'll see you again sometime and we'll have a chance to catch up."

"I'd like that," she said, and patted his arm again before she turned and walked toward the line to get coffee. Leonard watched her for a moment, wondering if her sentiment was truthful, but Stephanie had never lied to him, as far as he knew.

He left the coffee shop and got back into his car, thinking about their conversation. If she really was open to talking again sometime, it wouldn't be that big a deal (he hoped) to have her come to the apartment sometime and see Sheldon again. Sheldon had always liked Stephanie, though he'd treated her like his own personal physician while she and Leonard had been together. Leonard chuckled, remembering the time when Stephanie convinced him he had a throat infection and needed to remain absolutely quiet for it to get better. That was the most peaceful 16 hours he'd ever experienced in his apartment, thanks to Sheldon's self-enforced silence.

And somehow, Stephanie was still unattached, Leonard mused as he pulled back into traffic. That was a shame; she really was a nice woman, if a little neurotic about her self-esteem and the need she'd had to have a man in her life. In fact, if Sheldon wasn't with Amy now, he thought…

_That_ would be funny—getting Sheldon together with Stephanie! Leonard laughed at the absurdity of it, considering how much Stephanie had used sex to connect with Leonard! "Boy, I wish I could see what it would be like if Stephanie was his girlfriend," he muttered to himself as he headed toward the university. "That would be something to see!"

-=o=-

Amy put down the phone, wondering where Sheldon could be this time of the morning. It wasn't long before lunch and she wanted to know if he would be available to eat with her in the cafeteria. The Roommate Agreement specified giving Sheldon at least 45 minutes' notice if she wanted to have lunch with him, and she was nearly out of time. She might have to use one of her "Cooper Coupons" to arrange a last-minute lunch with him, and there weren't many left in her desk drawer…

"Hey." Amy glanced up, seeing Bert from the geology department coming into her lab. He didn't visit as often he had in the past, since learning Amy had a boyfriend, but he still did drop in occasionally.

"Hello, Bert," she greeted him, wondering if he was still checking up on her to see if she still had a boyfriend. When Howard and Rajesh told her the reason for Bert's visits she'd been flattered but not attracted to him. Sheldon was all the man she wanted, even if actually having him was proving to be an almost unattainable goal.

"What are you up to this morning?" Bert asked, wandering over to her desk.

"I'm continuing my research on various animal reactions to certain stimuli," she said, not bothering to go into specifics. Bert wasn't really interested, anyway; he only asked to make conversation before asking her how her boyfriend was or to show her some mineral he'd found.

"How's your boyfriend?"

"He's fine," Amy said, smiling. "I was just about to call him for lunch," she added, hoping Bert would take the hint and go away.

"Oh," Bert nodded, letting an uncomfortable silence grow as he continued to nod, almost obsessively, Amy thought. He could give Sheldon a run for his money in some ways, Amy knew. Bert had a bit of an obsessive-compulsive disorder, and it felt like Amy was one of the objects he fixated on. "Where ae you having lunch?" he finally asked.

"I don't know," Amy answered honestly. She didn't even know whether Sheldon was at the university today; perhaps she should call Leonard and inquire.

"Well, if he's not here," Bert went on. "Perhaps I'll see you in the cafeteria."

"I suppose," Amy said, wondering why he'd phrased his comment that way. Did Bert know something about where Sheldon was? That was far-fetched, but there was a quirk on Bert's face, like he knew something she didn't and was using it to manipulate or trick her. "We'll see," she added, warily.

"Okay, it's a date," Bert said, smiling and nodding like she'd just agreed to have lunch with him! "See you there." He turned and lumbered out of the room.

Amy immediately grabbed the phone and dialed Leonard's lab. "Hello, Leonard?" she said when he answered. "Is Sheldon at work today? He's not answering his phone."

"I'm sorry, Amy," Leonard said. "He didn't come in to work today?"

"Why, what's wrong?" she asked, immediately concerned. He hadn't called to complain he was sick and that she should come take care of him…

"He wanted to stay home and work on his Thinkatorium," Leonard said, and Amy heard a smile in his voice.

"Thinkatorium? Is he still wanting that?" Amy had heard all about that room and how badly Sheldon wanted one for the past few weeks.

"I'm afraid so," Leonard said, commiserating with her. "He sounded really determined this morning. I was thinking of going home over lunch to see how he was doing." Okay, that wasn't precisely true, but Amy didn't need to know that. In fact, she might volunteer to go check things out herself. Leonard unconsciously crossed his fingers.

"Maybe I should go," Amy suggested, thinking Leonard's heart might not really be in Sheldon's best interests, like hers was.

"Well, if you really _want_ to," Leonard said, trying to sound disappointed.

"Or we could go together," Amy added, remembering their trip to Kingman Arizona together. "Between the two of us we might be able to convince Sheldon he doesn't need a Thinkatorium."

Leonard felt like panicking. _Another_ trip with Amy to take care of Sheldon? Not really up for that! "Well, I'm in the middle of an experiment, I don't know if I can get away—"

"I wish you would," Amy said. "He listens to you."

Leonard shook his head in disbelief. "Are we talking about the same Sheldon Cooper? Tall, skinny guy with a head the size of a pumpkin and an ego the size of Jupiter?"

"_Please_, Leonard?" Amy voice was tinged with desperation. "I'm really worried about him."

Dammit. Guilt was a bitch. But he could never resist a plea for assistance from a woman. "Well, okay, I'll go with you," Leonard sighed. _I just hope Sheldon didn't go over after I left and convince Penny to whip up his Thinkatorium_. _That would be awfully hard to explain to Amy_! "Pick me up in five minutes," he said resignedly, and hung up.

Amy hung up her phone and smiled. It was pretty easy to get her way with Leonard, he was sometimes too helpful for his own good.

-=o=-

Sheldon was at his whiteboard, sketching a diagram of his planned Thinkatorium. He paused, deliberating. "Rotating bookshelves would solve the space problem, of course, but who has time to build them? Well, I suppose I could farm that out to Wolowitz, let him trot out that masters in engineering he keeps bragging about."

There was a knock on the door. "Now would could that be?" Sheldon wondered to himself. He went over to the door and opened it, finding Stephanie Barnett standing there smiling at him, a bag of food in her arms.

"Hello, Sheldon," she said brightly, walking into the apartment.

"Doctor Stephanie," Sheldon exclaimed in surprise. "It's been a long time! It's so nice to see—what are you doing?"

"Why, bringing you lunch, of course," Stephanie said matter-of-factly as she began setting out containers of food on the coffee table.

"What? I don't understand," Sheldon watched, bewildered, as Stephanie sat down in the middle of the couch, then patted Sheldon's cushion invitingly.

"Come over and sit down, honey," she smiled at him. "I brought your favorite Thai dishes from Siam Palace. And that's only the beginning of the fun we're going to have!"

"Um," Sheldon said, completely lost. "But I—I have a girlfriend!"

"I know," she agreed. "Me!"

"Nooo," Sheldon disagreed. "Not me. I mean, not you. I mean—my girlfriend is named Amy Farrah Fowler. And that is not your name. Therefore, you are not my girlfriend."

Stephanie beamed at him. "I love it when you get all logical like that," she purred. "It makes me feel so…_sexy_." She got up from the couch and walked over to him, making Sheldon shrink back a bit in apprehension. "How does it make _you_ feel, honey?"

"Confused," Sheldon said, taking another step back from her. "What are you trying to pull here, Doc?"

"What would you _like_ me to pull?" Stephanie asked, batting her eyes at him seductively, a gesture that was completely wasted. She came toward him and Sheldon retreated. "I've got a few ideas, you know."

"I _don't_ know," Sheldon insisted, his back now against the door. Stephanie ran her hands down Sheldon's arms, making him shiver with some unknown dread. She reached up, running her fingers through his hair. Her lips were within an inch of his.

She moved forward and Sheldon ducked and slipped around her. "Dr. Stephanie!" he pleaded. "Please get control of yourself!"

"I can't, Sheldon!" she said breathlessly. "You're driving me wild with desire!"

"I think you're doing that to yourself," Sheldon argued, looking around for a way to escape. He turned and ran into the kitchen, behind the island. Stephanie followed him. They stared at each other over the island top.

"No, you're doing it to me," Stephanie declared, feinting left then bolting to the right, around the island, forcing Sheldon to run back into the living room.

"Come on honey, don't play hard to get," Stephanie cried, chasing after him and wrapping her arms around him.

Sheldon cringed as her puckered lips neared his. "Please," he whimpered. "Why are you doing this to me?"

Stephanie stopped and stared at him. "I'm your girlfriend, Sheldon. This is what boyfriends and girlfriends do."

"Why do you keep saying that?" Sheldon demanded. "I've never been your boyfriend and there's no way something like this could happen—" He suddenly stopped, remembering. "Hold on." He turned to Stephanie. "How long have we been boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Why, for—" Stephanie paused, thinking. "Wha—um, I don't… I don't know, exactly," she admitted. "But that's not really important, is it, sweetie—?"

"I think it is," Sheldon insisted. "When did we meet again before today? When did we ever go out? You can't answer these questions, can you?"

"No…" Stephanie paused with a thoughtful look on her face. "But you know what?" She beamed and flung her arms around him, kissing his cheek. "I don't care!"

"Oh, this is a nightmare!" Sheldon wailed, trying to disentangle himself from her embrace and barrage of kisses. "This day couldn't get any worse!"

The door burst open and Leonard and Amy rushed inside. "Stephanie?!" Leonard gasped.

"Sheldon?!" Amy exclaimed. "What the hell?!"

"It's not my fault!" Sheldon said loudly, pointing at Stephanie. "She's been bewitched!"

"I was wrong," Leonard said, shaking his head wearily. "This is going to be _much_ harder to explain!"

-=o=-

"_SHELDON WHAT IS GOING ON HERE_?!" Amy screamed at him as Stephanie disengaged herself from Sheldon, backing away from the crazy screaming woman.

"Sheldon, who is this woman?" Stephanie asked, her perennial smile starting to wane as Amy glared at her. "Why is she yelling at you?"

"This is Amy Farrah Fowler," Sheldon said, gesturing toward her. "Amy, this is—"

"I DON'T CARE WHO SHE IS SHELDON I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING KISSING YOU!" Amy shouted.

"And I want to know what business it is of yours?" Stephanie shot back at her. "You're not his girlfriend!"

"YES I AM!" Amy screeched. "SHELDON, TELL HER WHO I AM!"

"I just did," Sheldon pointed out. "Weren't you listening or is your brain squirting too much crazy juice into your system for you to hear correctly?"

"Alright, fine," Amy said, her voice returning to normal, although her teeth were clenched tightly in anger. Oddly, Sheldon's condescending attitude had calmed her down some. "What was she doing kissing you?"

Sheldon gave Leonard a significant glance. "I have my suspicions," Sheldon said. "They involve Leonard's—"

"Dreams," Leonard interjected quickly, thinking Sheldon was about to spill the beans about Penny's witchcraft. "My dreams about Stephanie."

"You were dreaming about me, Leonard?" Stephanie seemed pleased to hear that. "Really? How interesting."

"Yeah, well…" Leonard looked uncomfortable. "I was talking to Sheldon about them last night, but he must have gone to sleep while I was talking to him. It was a weird coincidence that you and I met this morning at the coffee shop."

Amy, Sheldon and Stephanie were all staring at him. "Leonard, you're not making any sense," Amy said dispassionately. "And none of that explains what this woman was doing kissing Sheldon in his apartment. I shudder to think what might have happened in three or four years if we hadn't walked in on them."

"_Nothing_ would have happened!" Sheldon insisted.

"You say that now," Amy said, still unhappy. "But in three or four years—who knows?"

"Sheldon, honey, send your friends away," Stephanie wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close. "We have things to do…"

"Back off, woman," Amy warned her, raising her purse. "I got a coffee can of change in here that'll knock you into next week!"

"Hold on," Leonard said, stepping between Amy and Stephanie. "This has gone too far! We should be able to sit down and talk this out like adults—"

"Shut up, Leonard!" Amy and Stephanie said. They both put a hand on his chest and pushed him away, then each of them grabbed one of Sheldon's arms and began pulling, shouting at him to choose one or the other of them.

"Stop it!" Sheldon cried. "I'm not a wishbone! Leonard, help!"

Leonard, who had fallen painfully to the floor, covered his face with his hands. "I wish none of this had ever happened!" he moaned.

The shouting stopped. Leonard slowly spread his hands apart, peeking through his fingers. Amy and Stephanie were gone, and Sheldon was standing over him, now dressed in a housecoat, staring down at him with a bowl of cereal in his hand.

"What are you doing on the floor?" Sheldon asked him, then walked around him and sat down on his spot on the couch.

Leonard sat up. "Um, what are _you_ doing, Sheldon?" he asked.

"Just having a late breakfast," Sheldon said, indicating the cereal. "I spent the morning drawing up the design for my Thinkatorium."

Leonard looked around the room. There was no sign of Amy or Stephanie anywhere. He glanced at the clock on the DVD player. It was past noon. "Huh," he murmured. "It must've been _me_, not Penny that…" He let the sentence trail off, unspoken, getting to his feet.

Leonard looked at Sheldon. "I've got to get back to work," he said, walking toward the door.

"I'm not even sure why you're here _now_," Sheldon said, looking up from his bowl of cereal. "Unless it's to help me build my Thinkatorium."

Leonard stopped, reconsidering. It might not be a bad idea, at that, if they could avoid some of the more incredible things Sheldon wanted. "We can talk about that when I get home from work," he promised.

Sheldon smiled. "Good," he said, pleased. "I knew you'd come around, Leonard. Why I could spend days in there at a time coming up with new ideas. When you see how useful my Thinkatorium can be you'll want one for yourself."

"I'm already starting to see how useful that could be," Leonard said pointedly, and left the apartment.

-=o=-

"So it seems like I still have _some_ magical ability left," Leonard told Penny later, after promising Sheldon he would discuss the Thinkatorium idea with her again. "It's like what you called it before—wishcraft."

Penny nodded agreement. "Interesting that you wished for Sheldon to know what it was like to have a girlfriend," she said. "_And_ that you didn't think of Amy."

"Um, yeah," Leonard muttered. "Well, he really liked Stephanie when we were together," he argued, in his own defense.

"Oh, well, who wouldn't like having their own personal physician," Penny agreed. "It's just too bad Sheldon would never play doctor with her," she joked.

"Yeah," Leonard agreed, grinning. "Anyway, I was talking with Sheldon about his Thinkatorium—"

"Oh, you're not thinking of actually giving him one, are you?" Penny arched an eyebrow at her fiancé.

"No, no," Leonard said. Then, "Well, sort of. Not all the stuff he wants, of course, but making just a few changes _minor_ changes to his bedroom."  
"Minor? Like how minor?" Penny asked, cautiously.

"Oh, like adding some shelving for his books," Leonard said. "And maybe a mini-fridge for stuff like smoothies or Jamba Juice. Nothing that would arouse anyone's suspicions."

"Well," Penny considered. "I guess I could do that for him. That would be a nice compromise. Assuming you can get Sheldon to agree to just that."

"I can only wish," Leonard smiled.


	9. The Maternal Reorganization

**.**

**Episode Nine**

**The Maternal Reorganization**

_Updated_ 3/27/2015

**-=o=-**

"I wish I knew what to do about this," Leonard sighed, taking a drink from his glass of iced tea. After a long moment, he looked at Penny and shrugged helplessly. "See, when I'm _thinking_ about what I'm wishing for, nothing happens."

"Well, I've always said you overthink things, sweetie," Penny said, only half-jokingly. "Seriously, I don't know what we can do about it except call Dr. Bombay and ask him."

The two of them were at the Italian Kitchen in the Glendale Galleria that Saturday afternoon, enjoying lunch after a morning of shopping. "Enjoy" was a relative term, of course; since Leonard was lactose intolerant, he'd ordered his chicken broccoli with marinara instead of alfredo sauce. It made an interesting taste combination when he dipped his broccoli florets in the marinara. "I don't know if we need to do that," Leonard shook his head. "I'm going to set up some experiments, see what I can figure out."

"You need to be careful about that," Penny warned him. "Witchcraft is—"

"Shh," Leonard hissed, almost whispering. He looked around. They were dining _al fresco_, which in the case of the Glendale Galleria meant they were seated at a table just outside the restaurant proper, where other shoppers were passing by. "We don't want anyone to hear that word, do we?"

"Leonard, do you know how many Wiccans there are around here?" Penny pointed out. "Nobody's going to think there's anything weird about that word. I could probably tell people I worship Cthulhu and they wouldn't care."

Leonard smiled in spite of the weirdness of her saying that. "I didn't know you'd ever _heard_ of Cthulhu."

"Yeah," Penny shrugged. "He's in my book on witchcraft."

"Really?" Leonard laughed at that. Then he realized Penny was serious. "Oh—you mean, _really _really?" he asked, paling.

"Don't worry about it," Penny said, waving off his anxiety. "As it turned out, he was just a warlock with some existential angst."

"Ohh-kaay," Leonard breathed, unsure what to think now that the existence of a god, even a fictional one, had been confirmed. "Does that book have any other surprises in it? Like Jesus being a warlock or something like that?"

Penny's eyes narrowed. "Have you been peeking?"

Leonard did a double take. "Oh no, you're not serious?" He gulped.

"No, I'm not!" Penny laughed. "I'm just messing with you, sweetie."

Leonard sighed with relief. He wasn't sure what he'd have done if it turned out the founder of a major religion was a card-carrying warlock.

"Hey, Penny." That unexpected but familiar voice made Leonard wince. It was Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt, who was walking toward them. He was wearing khaki slacks and a polo shirt. It was probably the most dressed up Leonard had ever seen the guy, who normally sported open shirts and shorts (and even a caveman loincloth, the time he'd come to Penny's Halloween party).

"Oh…hey, Kurt," Penny said with a total lack of enthusiasm. "What are you doing here?"

"I work in the sports shop," Kurt said, pointing to the logo on his shirt that said "Sports Authority." "I been working there a couple of years now. This is the first time I've seen you here, babe."

"Yeah, well, I don't get over to the Galleria very often, 'babe,'" Penny retorted, her tone making it clear she didn't care for Kurt calling her that.

Kurt didn't seem to notice, however. "You here with this geek?" he asked, jerking a thumb toward Leonard. "You know you could do better, don't you?"

Leonard pulled himself up to his full height. "For your information," he informed the guy coldly, "We're engaged. To be _married_."

Kurt snorted. "Is that true?" he asked Penny, ignoring Leonard.

"Yes, it's true," Penny said, just as coldly. "So why don't you run on back to your sports store, we have other things to do."

Kurt folded his arms. "Come on, babe. This is a trick, right? You set this up 'cause you knew I worked in the Galleria, right?"

Leonard stood up, matching his five-foot-five frame against Kurt's six-foot-Godzilla one. "It's not a trick. Not a hoax. Not a dream. Not an imaginary story. It's real, and you're just going to have to deal with it. Now, why don't you go on about your business and leave us alone!"

Penny smiled happily at Leonard's assertiveness, but the smile turned rapidly to a look of horror when Kurt grabbed Leonard's shirt and lifted him up on his tiptoes. "I'll go, but maybe we oughta have one more pantsing, Four Eyes, for old times' sake."

"Oh, that's okay," Leonard gasped. "It's not really necessary…"

"I think it is," Kurt rumbled, but at that moment his khakis suddenly dropped to the floor. "What that—?" he looked down, astonished. How'd the little runt _do_ that?

A moment later the back of his briefs suddenly pulled upward, giving him a wedgie. The back of the briefs stretched unnaturally, covering his head, and Kurt floundered around, unable to see, with his pants around his ankles. People walking through the mall stopped to point and laugh at him.

When Kurt finally got the band of his briefs off his head, they were so loose his bare backside was exposed, and he had to quickly bend over and pull up his pants before he could run off, embarrassed.

Leonard sat back down, still laughing, then smiled at Penny. "Thanks," he said.

"No problem, sweetie," Penny replied. They leaned over and kissed. "You know, it was kind of interesting seeing Kurt again."

"Sure," Leonard agreed. "Maybe tomorrow we can go to India and give Priya a wedgie, too."

"Don't give me any ideas," Penny warned him.

"Oh, yeah," Leonard said, remembering. "You can do that, can't you?"

Penny nodded, smilling.

**-=o=-**

A few days later Leonard and Sheldon were both on the phone with their mothers as a bemused Penny listened to their part of the conversation.

"No, Mom," Sheldon was saying, "I do not object to the idea of your coming here—it is the logistics of the situation I am concerned with—"

"Yes, Mother," Leonard sighed. "I'm glad your latest book tour was a success. No, I haven't read it yet. Well, I think I have some idea what it's about from the title—_Needier, Greedier Baby_ has a somewhat familiar ring to it—"

"Yes, I'm sure some accommodation could be made." Sheldon again. "I'm sure Leonard won't mind—he probably likes having you here more than I do. No, mother, that was not a shot at you. If anything, it directed toward Leonard."

"Really, Mother?" Leonard didn't look happy now. "You know, staying in a hotel would be much more comfortable for you. No, I'm not trying to separate you from Sheldon, Mother. If you want to stay here, that will be fine with me. I'm sure Sheldon won't mind, either. Alright, I'll see you next week."

"Alright, Mom, I'll see you then. Love you, too."

Leonard and Sheldon hung up their phones at the same time and looked at Penny. "My mother is coming to visit," they said simultaneously, then looked at each other, startled. "_Your_ mother is coming?" they both said.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Leonard complained.

"Why didn't _you_ tell _me_?" Sheldon shot back.

"This should be interesting," Penny said, smiling broadly.

"'Interesting' isn't the right word for it," Leonard said, looking unhappy. "Both of our mothers here at the same time? They can't _both_ stay here in our apartment, can they?"

"I don't know why they couldn't," Sheldon said, "if we had a couple of extra bedrooms…" he glanced meaningfully toward Penny.

"Sheldon," Leonard said, his voice becoming stern. "You know we couldn't explain where the extra rooms came from!"

"But you are going to tell your mother about Penny being a witch, aren't you?" Sheldon inquired, with a look of expectation on his face.

"_No_," Leonard retorted emphatically. "My mother is much too scientific and skeptical to accept something like that, and if she _were_ convinced it was true, she'd want to examine Penny's brain to try and understand how magic works. What do you think _your_ mother would do?"

"Well, that's simple," Sheldon said. "She'd burn Penny at the stake."

"Not gonna happen," Penny said firmly. "They tried it 300 years ago in Salem. It didn't work, unless they burned women who weren't really witches. Anyway, I have a pretty simple solution: one of your mothers can stay in my apartment while they're here."

"I call dibs on Leonard's mom," Sheldon said immediately. Leonard closed his mouth, wishing he'd been a little quicker. Mary Cooper was a lot nicer to be with than his own mother, but it would probably be better if she was in Penny's apartment. He just hoped that nothing…_strange_…happened in Penny's apartment while Sheldon's mom was staying there.

**-=o=-**

Howard answered his cell phone. "Hi, Ma, what's up?"

"How about taking your mother to the airport this morning?" his mother asked him. "You know I'll be gone to Florida for a few weeks and I won't see you again until I get back."

Howard looked at his workbench, thinking. The project he was working on was due by three p.m. that day, and was already behind schedule. The three o'clock deadline wasn't going to withstand another delay. "Ma, I can't, I've got a deadline to meet and I'm going to lose too much time if I stop to take you to the airport. Can't Stuart take you?"

"Stewie's working on the opening of his store," his mother reminded him. "You know how important that is to him."

_Like a comic book store is more important than my work for NASA_, Howard thought. Aloud, he said, "I can call a taxi to take you to the airport."

"Well, alright," his mother said, disappointed. "But I'm going to miss my little _bubbeleh_."

"I'll miss you, too, Ma," Howard said, meaning it. "Don't forget to call when you get to Aunt Gladys's house."

"Assuming she lets me use her phone," Mrs. Wolowitz complained. "That woman is tighter than my girdles _ever_ were!" She had lost over 100 pounds a few months ago and couldn't wait to show off the weight loss to her relatives in Florida.

"I'm sure she will, ma," Howard said. "I'll talk to you soon." He hung up and started to call Bernadette to ask her to call for a taxi, then stopped. _If I call her she's going to insist I take my mother to the airport_, Howard reasoned. _In this case it might be better to ask for forgiveness than permission_. He turned to his computer to Google a cab company.

**-=o=-**

"It's good to finally meet you," Mary Cooper said warmly to the woman sharing the back seat of Leonard's car with her. "I've heard a lot about you."

"And I you," Beverly Hofstadter replied in a flat tone.

"Well, isn't that nice?" Mary beamed, glancing at Sheldon in the front passenger seat next to Leonard. "I hope my Shelly didn't pour on too much praise for me, I'm just a simple, God-fearing woman trying to get by on my own in life these days now that my George is gone, rest his soul. Did your husband pass on as well?"

"Not quite," Beverly replied, adjusting her glasses. "He cheated on me with a waitress at our university's cafeteria, and I divorced his lying, unfaithful—"

"Mother," Leonard interrupted before she could start calling his father names. "You promised you wouldn't dwell on the past."

"Yes, so I did," she agreed. She turned back to Mary. "We parted on more or less amicable terms," she said, then added _sotto voce_, "Mostly less."

"Well, that's good, I suppose," Mary said, looking a little uncertain. "My George was unfaithful to me once—it was just before Shelly went off to college, the summer he graduated from fifth grade." She smiled at Beverly. "But I know he was just hurting because Shelly was leaving home to go to college in California."

"In my husband's case," Beverly said dispassionately, "I believe he was unfaithful because of our agreement not to engage in coitus for other than procreation."

"Oh, that's interesting," Mary said, looking impressed. "The part about only having sex for procreation, I mean," she hastened to add. "Not that other part. George was usually randier than a hog in a pen full of sows—it was all we could do just to keep young Shelly from walking in on us."

"What I find interesting is your predilection toward calling your son 'Shelly'," Beverly observed. "I'm curious: do you think you harbor an unconscious desire for him to be a girl?"

Mary looked surprised at the question. In the front seat Leonard pinched his nose, embarrassed by his mother's question. "Mother, you don't have to psychoanalyze everyone you meet."

"I thought you enjoyed it when I analyzed your two friends, that Jewish boy Howard with mother issues and the Indian lad with selective mutism," Beverly replied. "You seemed to be quite happy when I pointed out how they had created an ersatz homosexual relationship in order to deal with their issues with females."

"Yes, well," Leonard felt bad about it now that she'd pointed out his enjoyment at the time. "Howard's married now, and Raj can talk to women. He even has a girlfriend."

"That doesn't invalidate my analysis," Beverly said. "I did point out it was an _ersatz_ relationship."

"Where is that place, 'ersatz'?" Mary asked. "I never heard of that country—is it south of here, or north?"

"It's neither, mother," Sheldon said, as patiently as he could. "Ersatz means 'false' or 'fake'."

"Oh," Mary said. "I guess that's how things were with George and me at the end there. He'd always wake up in the morning after he'd drunk a snootful of bourbon and tell me how good I was the night before." She smiled. "That was about the only thing kept me from putting rat poison in his meat loaf."

"Rat poison," Beverly muttered, looking thoughtful. "A shame I never thought of that. But then, I never cooked for my husband so the thought would have been moot."

Sheldon and Leonard looked at one another, each with an internal shudder of dread, then turned back to the road. It was going to be an interesting week.

**-=o=-**

Penny was passing the time waiting for Leonard, Sheldon and their mothers to return from the airport by leafing through the _Book of Magic_ that her grandfather Maurice had given her, back when she first learned she was a witch. It was now nearly eight months since that time, and while she'd learned quite a bit about _being_ a witch, she hadn't really _done_ a lot as one. Other than the trip to Paris with her cousin Serena she hadn't gone globetrotting like most witches and warlocks liked to do. She didn't associate with other witches or warlocks outside her family (well, except for Emily, but nobody knew she was a witch except Leonard, and they really didn't care to be around each other anyway). And mostly, she didn't _use_ her witchcraft other than around her apartment, and then only to take care of boring stuff like cleaning and such. It was sure nice to be able to snap her fingers and clean the toilet bowl, she had to admit!

"Catching up on your studying?" a familiar voice said in her ear, making Penny jump. She turned to see Endora leaning over her shoulder. "My, what a studious little witch you're turning out to be, my dear."

"You scared me," Penny said, closing the book. It drifted out of her hands, floating across the room to land atop her entertainment center, where she kept it hidden. Not that it would matter—if a normal person picked it up it would appear to be nothing but a book of blank pages. "What are you doing here?"

"What, no welcoming kiss for your grand-mama?" Endora said, sounding hurt. She leaned forward, tapping her cheek for Penny to kiss.

"Grand-mama? Are you kidding?" The last time Penny had called Endora "grandma" she'd insisted Penny only call her by her name. "What's gotten into you?"

Endora walked around the couch and sat down next to Penny. "I heard that your fiancé Loony's mother is coming to visit."

"His name is Leonard," Penny reminded her again, for probably the 20th time. "And yes, his _and_ Sheldon's mothers are both coming to visit. In fact, they're at the airport now picking them up."

"Interesting," Endora mused. "You know, I think I would like to meet them."

Penny looked surprised. "Why? You were never interested in meeting mortals before now?" She looked suspiciously at her grandmother. "What are you up to?"

"Up to? My dear, you wound me," Endora pouted. "Can't I want to meet the people in your life who are important to you?"

Penny relented a bit. "I suppose so. It just seems a little…weird." She stared at Endora in her witch's gown. "Um, you're not going to meet them like this, are you?"

"Of course not!" Endora's hands made a flourish in the air, and her green and purple gown vanished, replaced by a sequined evening gown and fur stole across her shoulders. "How's this?"

"A little overdressed," Penny observed. "Also not PETA-approved. You might want to lose that fur and dial back the dress a bit."

Endora looked a little put upon but waved her arms again. Her gown turned into a knee-length dress with a pearl necklace and a Dior purse. "Better?" she asked, with a sly smile.

"Very nice," Penny agreed. She heard noises outside her door. "They must be back," she said, going over to the door and opening it just as Leonard started to knock.

He pulled his hand back in surprise as the door swung open, then smiled as he saw Penny. "Hi," he said. "We're back!" He turned so Penny could see through their open door to where Mary and Beverly's suitcases were visible on the living room floor. "Do you want to come o—oh," he stopped as he saw Endora. "Oh. Hello, Endora."

"Hello, Durwood," Endora said. Then, "Oh, I'm sorry, I mean Londo."

"It's Leonard," he corrected her, again. "I think Durwood's your son-in-law."

"_Was_," Endora said, coldly. She brightened again. "I thought I would come over with Penny and meet your mothers."

"That's nice," Leonard smiled, but the smile quickly disappeared. "Er—um, _why_, exactly?"

"Why not?" Endora asked, spreading her hands questioningly.

Leonard was silent for several seconds, thinking. "You know," he said at last. "I really can't think of a good reason. Come on."

Leonard led Penny and Endora across the hall to apartment 4A. Sheldon, in his spot on the couch, visibly tensed as someone he didn't recognize entered his space. "Sheldon, Mother, Mrs. Cooper, this is Penny's grandmother, Endora. Endora, this is my mother, Beverly Hofstadter, and Sheldon's mother Mary Cooper."

"Pleased to meet you," Mary said warmly. "I'm so glad to finally meet some of Penny's family."

"Thank you," Endora replied. "But Penny is actually my _step_-granddaughter."

"Oh, well, that's not important," Mary waved off the comment. "I think of Penny like she's one of my own children."

"Why that's so nice," Penny said, pleased to hear that. "Thank you, Mrs. Cooper!"

"You seem familiar to me, somehow," Beverly said to Endora, eschewing even a perfunctory greeting. "Were you by any chance in London last fall, when I was there on my book tour?"

Endora turned to her. "I may have been, I was there for the Fashion Week in September, at Somerset House."

"Yes," Beverly nodded. "Interesting. I was there to sign my new book, _Needier, Greedier Baby_. I wondered why a woman of your years was attending such a youth-oriented event."

Endora looked at Beverly. "A woman of my years?" she said, with a sweetness in her tone that belied the flash of anger in her ice-blue eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, I don't mean to be insulting," Beverly replied, emotionlessly. "You look quite decent for someone your age."

Leonard was wincing internally. Endora did not take perceived insults well, he knew. But the redhead merely smiled at Beverly Hofstadter. "I may be a bit older than you think, my dear."

"Oh, don't say that," Mary spoke up, always the peacemaker. "Compared to _my_ mother you're a spring chicken, Mrs.—"

"Why, thank you," Endora said with a gracious nod. "And it's just 'Endora.' We're all family, you know." She turned to Penny. "Well, my dear, it's time for me to be off." She looked at the others. "I'm flying to Hong Kong this afternoon to meet with an old friend."

"Oh, Hong Kong, isn't that interesting," Mary said, impressed. "We have a place back home that makes authentic Hong Kong food. They grill everything up right in front of you." She made chopping motions with her hand. "It looks really interesting—reminds me of some of those chop-socky movies Shelly and his daddy used to watch on Saturday nights."

"Mmm, yes," Endora murmured, not interested. "Penny will you walk your grandmother down to the entrance?"

"Sure, Granny," Penny said, smiling. Endora shot her a warning glance but said nothing as they left the apartment.

"Well," Leonard said into the ensuing silence. "That was a nice visit, wasn't it?" He immediately answered himself. "Sure it was! Well, would anyone like something to drink?"

"Leonard, I have a question," Sheldon said.

"What is it, Sheldon?" Leonard asked, feeling a premonition of doom.

"Who _was_ that woman?"

"That was Penny's grandmother," Mary told him. "Haven't you ever met her before?"

"That was the first time I've ever seen her," Sheldon said. "She looks nothing like Penny's mother."

"She did say she was Penny's step-grandmother," Beverly pointed out, moving over to the chair Leonard normally sat in. "There wouldn't necessarily be a family resemblance."

"There was no reason for you to be rude to her, Mother," Leonard said, relieved Endora hadn't turned his mother into a potted plant or something.

"Rude?" Beverly looked genuinely puzzled. "I was merely pointing out the incongruity of seeing someone her age in that environment."

"You were there, too," Leonard pointed out.

"Yes, Leonard, that much is obvious, since I saw her there," Beverly said with a sigh.

"Oh, that's just a way for us older folks to stay young," Mary offered. "Every week or so Ron and I go down to Fudrucker's and have a burger and a shake together, just like we were teenagers."

Sheldon turned to her with an unhappy look. "You're still seeing Ron? I thought you would have dumped him like a hot potato by now."

"Yes, we're still seeing one another," Mary said, her tone turning stern. "I told you, Shelly, what Ron and I do together isn't your concern."

"Dr. Hofstadter," Sheldon said, trying to appeal to a higher authority. "Don't you think a woman my mother's age having sex is inappropriate?"

Beverly took off her glances and regarded him appraisingly. "I would tend to agree, Sheldon, except for the fact that I've been having regular coitus lately with my agent's assistant, Jeremy."

Sheldon's eyes widened in horror. "No! Not you, too!"

"Oh, my lord," Mary breathed. "Are you a cougar?"

"Apparently," Beverly replied candidly. "It's quite invigorating."

Leonard put his face into his hand. "Kill me."

**-=o=-**

_Back in Penny's apartment—  
_"The _nerve_ of that woman!" Endora ranted, pacing the floor in front of Penny's couch. "How dare she make insinuations about my age!"

"Well," Penny shrugged. "That's just Beverly. By the way, how old _are_ you, exactly?"

"That's not important," Endora said, evasively. "But I'm certainly old enough to remember when mortals showed us witches some respect!"

"If I remember right," Penny said, folding her arms across her chest. "I read in the Book of Magic that was about 400 years ago, shortly before the Witches Council made everyone forget witches really existed."

"Now _those_ were the days, my girl," Endora said feelingly. "None of this 'Wtiches are ugly!' or 'Witches are evil!' nonsense! No, witches were beautiful and powerful, loved by all for the good things we did!"

"Well, actually," Penny began. "Witches were abusing their powers and taking advantage of mortals. The Witches Council made everyone forget witches and warlocks existed so you would all return to the Eternal Realm and stop pestering normal people. But a few bad witches and warlocks remained on earth, deciding they could rule it while all the others were gone, so the Council had to send some back to take care of that problem. And by the time normalcy was regained everyone forgot you weren't supposed to stay here."

"Well, I see you learned your lessons well," Endora muttered. "Something that woman ought to do! Why, I have a mind to—"

"Hold on," Penny warned. "That woman is my fiancé's mother—I don't want you doing anything bad to her!"

Endora looked chagrined, but finally nodded with a smile. "Don't worry, my dear—I won't harm a hair on her head. Now, if you'll excuse me, I do have an appointment in Hong Kong. I'll see you again soon." With a wave of her hand the redheaded witch disappeared.

**-=o=-**

_Cut back to Leonard and Sheldon's apartment—  
_Endora appeared a moment later, invisible, in apartment 4A, as Sheldon was reeling with horror over Beverly's revelation about her sex life. "Yes," she said to herself, watching as the insufferable Hofstadter woman stared inquisitively at the tall, skinny fellow who seemed absolutely outraged by something she had apparently said. "I think these two ladies will both do better if they walk a mile in each other's' shoes—

_Faustin, merosin, talan rake,  
__A subtle change I hereby make!  
__On my power as a witch,  
__Let these women's personalities switch!_

There was a burst of magical sound only she could hear as Endora felt her spell take effect. "There," she purred, as each woman got a strange expression on her face. "Let's see how they deal with other people now!" She vanished, on her way to Hong Kong.

"Mother," Sheldon appealed to his mother, expecting her to take his side no matter what. "Don't you think it's wrong for a woman like Dr. Hofstadter to have casual sex like that? At least you and Ron are in a committed relationship. Aren't you?"

Mary's expression had gone from a concerned frown to bland indifference. "Well, I don't see how it's any of my business what Dr. Hofstadter does in her personal life, Sheldon. I'm not her, after all."

Beverly smiled at her. "Thanks, Mary," she said, with a genuine smile on her face. "That's might white of you."

Sheldon and Leonard both jerked in surprise, then stared at one another in shock. That didn't sound right _at all_.

"Mother?" Sheldon ventured uncertainly.

"Sheldon?" Mary answered in a flat voice, not like her usual self at all.

"Are you feeling all right?" Sheldon asked. "You sound—strange."

"I don't know what you mean, Sheldon," Mary said dryly. "I feel fine, except for a need to urinate."

"Yeah, me too!" Beverly agreed with a laugh that sounded like a duck with whooping cough. "I gotta go more'n a Indy car in last place on lap 199!"

Mary closed her eyes, sighed, and stood. "Excuse me," she said, and walked out of the room.

"Hold on there," Beverly stood, "I call dibs!" she ran after Mary and the two women got into a brief pushing match in the hallway before Beverly came back out. She pointed to the apartment door, saying, "Be right back! I'm gonna go see if Penny will let me use her bathroom!" She disappeared through the apartment door, leaving Leonard and Sheldon staring after each of their mothers.

Finally Sheldon turned back to Leonard. "What has Penny done now?!"

"Hold on," Leonard objected. "We don't know this is Penny's fault! Sometimes Endora plays pranks. Usually on _me_," he added parenthetically, happy not to be the butt of the joke this time. But still, his and Sheldon's _mothers_… Leonard stood. "Let's go talk to Penny," he said resignedly.

**-=o=-**

_Once again in Penny's apartment—  
_Penny had no sooner picked up the Book of Magic to read again than there was a knock at her door. She slipped the book under some magazines on her coffee table and went to the door, finding Beverly on the other side.

"Oh, hi Beverly," Penny said, not expecting to have Leonard's mother visit her. "Can I do something for you—?"

"I hate to bother you, sweetie," Beverly said, smiling. "I gotta use the little girl's room but Sheldon's mom beat me to it. Mind if I use yours?"

"Um." That request was a lot different than Beverly's usual announcement that she had to urinate. "Sure, help yourself."

"Thanks, sweetheart, you're a lifesaver!" Beverly slipped past her and hurried into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

Penny stared after her for several seconds. "That was weird," she said to no one in particular. She started to close her door when Leonard and Sheldon suddenly appeared in the doorway.

"Did my mother just come over here?" Leonard asked her.

"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock," Penny said dryly. "You must've seen her walk in my door, it was only a few seconds ago."

"Well, yeah," Leonard admitted. "Did—did she seem a little…_off_ to you?"

"Off?" Penny repeated. "You mean, being bright and cheery and actually _nice_ to me? No, nothing like that at all."

"Huh," Sheldon muttered. "That's unusual, she was that way just a few seconds ago."

"Sheldon," Leonard sighed. "Penny's being sarcastic."

"Oh," Sheldon looked thoughtful a moment. "Well, at least Penny's still acting consistently. I don't _know_ who that woman claiming to be my mother is anymore."

"What happened?" Penny asked, suddenly wary.

"It's like Sheldon's and my mother switched personalities," Leonard said. "We, um, came over to see if you would know anything about that…"

"Do you think _I_ did it?" Penny asked, shocked and annoyed that they would.

"No, I think Endora did it," Leonard explained. "Did you see her cast a spell or anything?"

"No," Penny said, "but she promised me she wouldn't!" She was upset that Endora had lied to her yet again. "And she's supposed to go to Hong Kong today!"

"Well, can't you do something to fix it?" Leonard pleaded.

"Leonard, you know I _can't_," Penny told him. She pitched her voice lower so Beverly wouldn't overhear. "Only the witch who cast the spell can counter it."

"Well what are we going to do?" Sheldon demanded. He pointed to his apartment. "My mother's over there acting like she doesn't care about anything at all anymore—including me! This is intolerable! Leonard, tell Penny to fix it right now!"

"Hang on." Leonard had just realized that his mother was acting exactly the way he'd always wanted her to be—compassionate, warm and caring. "Sheldon, maybe we should let this go on a bit longer—as a experiment, mind you."

"No, sir!" Sheldon stated firmly. "My mother is not going to be a part of any magic experiments!"

"Too late, Sheldon," Penny said, smiling at him. She'd caught on to what Leonard had realized. "She already is. She'll have to stay like that until Endora gets back from Hong Kong."

Sheldon stared at the two of them. "You're going to make me put up with this nonsense until your witch of a grandmother gets back, aren't you?"

Penny nodded. "Yep."

"Drat."

**-=o=-**

_A week later—  
_Sheldon and Leonard watched apprehensively as Beverly and Mary entered their apartment—Mary coming from Penny's apartment across the hall, and Beverly from Leonard's bedroom, where each woman had just finished packing their luggage.

The personality switch was still in place, as Endora had not responded to any of Penny's pleas to return and remove her spell. Not that Leonard hadn't enjoyed the past seven days—his mother had been much more pleasant and warm than on any other visit, and he was thoroughly enjoying the change.

Sheldon, not so much.

Sheldon was sitting sullenly on the couch, his arms folded across his chest, sulking that his mother had virtually ignored him for the past week. No fried chicken dinners, no pecan pies, no Vapo-Rub on his chest the night he'd felt a bit stuffy—even Leonard had refused to do it since Mary was there! Nothing had gone right this week!

What was worse was the absolutely unreal way Leonard's mother had been acting. She'd talked excitedly about her recent book tours, though she quite apologetic that her new book showed Leonard in such a poor light. She'd promised her son she would write a new book describing all of the good things about him.

"I wasn't aware you had any good memories of me as a child, Mother," Leonard had said. Sheldon had thought that was a bit rude, but Beverly seemed to take it in stride.

"Oh, of course there were good memories, Leonard!" she exclaimed, her voice nothing like the dull monotone Sheldon was so fond of. The past week had been nearly unbearable—so much so that Sheldon had even gone on _two_ Date Nights with Amy, just to get away from the cloying sweetness of the new Beverly Hofstadter. And because his own mother found it more interesting talking to Penny than to him!

"You know, we better get a move-on," Beverly was saying. "If we're going to make it to the airport in time to get through security and get our boarding passes."

"Don't worry, Mother, we'll make it," Leonard replied, checking his watch and glancing at the door of his apartment. Penny was still trying to reach Endora—they couldn't let their mothers leave until she removed that spell from them! "Wouldn't you like something to drink before you leave?"

"Oh, not for me, dear," Beverly said, smiling.

"No, thank you, Leonard," Mary replied, in a flat voice. "I hope to avoid having to urinate before reaching my connecting flight."

"Alright," Leonard said distractedly, then stood and went to the apartment door. "I'll be right back," he said. He went across the hall to knock on Penny's door. She answered a few moments later. "Any word?" he asked anxiously.

"Nothing," Penny shook her head. "She's cutting this one pretty close."

"You're telling me!" Leonard agreed feelingly. "Though, to be honest, I wouldn't mind if my mother was like this all the time…"

Penny chuckled. "I don't think Mary's boyfriend in Texas would feel the same way, do you?"

"Much less Sheldon," Leonard agreed, grinning. "He's been pretty quiet this past week. I think he's in shock."

"Well, I just hope we can put your moms back the way they were," Penny said sympathetically. "It's been weird watching Sheldon act so—so…"

"So much like _I_ did every time my mother's visited in the past?" Leonard asked, pointedly.

Penny thought about that for a second. "Well, yeah," she agreed. "You never were very happy when you knew she was coming here."

"Well, now you know why."

Penny glanced at her watch. "Isn't it about time to get going to the airport?" she asked.

"Yes." Leonard rubbed his forehead, trying to forestall a headache. "Keep trying to reach Endora. I'm going back to try and stall some more." Penny leaned forward, giving him a quick kiss, and Leonard went back to his apartment.

She closed the door and looked up at the ceiling. "Endora, I know you're listening! Stop ignoring me and come fix the mess you made!"

Still no reply from Endora—not even a cackle of evil laughter from the old witch. "Please?" Penny added, trying a bit of honey rather than vinegar.

Endora appeared, stretched out languidly across the back of Penny's sofa. "I thought you'd _never_ use the magic word, my dear," she said, smiling at her step-granddaughter. She vanished again, appearing a moment later standing upright, dressed in what appeared to be the latest Paris fashion for women over 500. "I just flew in from Hong Kong," she said innocently. "And I heard you were looking for me. What seems to be the problem?"

"You know very well what the problem is," Penny scolded her. "You promised me you wouldn't do anything to Leonard and Sheldon's mothers before you left, but their personalities have been switched for the past week!"

"They are?" Endora looked surprised. She thought for a moment. "Well, now that you mention it, I _did_ cast a small spell before I left. Let's see, what was it…?"

"Endora," Penny said dangerously. "Don't play cute with me or I'll tell Maurice on you!"

Endora's expression immediately changed. "Spoilsport!" she huffed. "You don't have to bring _that man_ into this—I'll take care of it!"

"Good!" Penny said emphatically, pointing toward Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. "They're both across the hall. Go!"

"Penny, you're really getting to be a drag," Endora said sullenly and disappeared. She reappeared a few seconds later. "It's taken care of," she said sourly. "I hope you're happy."

"I am," Penny nodded. "I think I'll go say goodbye to them, now. And goodbye to you, too, Endora." She leaned over and pecked her on the cheek.

"Hmph," Endora snorted, then waved a hand and disappeared.

Penny smiled, feeling like she'd won a small victory with that round, and walked out of her apartment. At the same time Leonard and Sheldon were walking out of theirs, followed by Beverly and Mary.

Beverly's expression was back to her normal neutral frown, while Mary was smiling happily again, though there was a tear of sadness in her eye from leaving her baby again.

"Oh, hi," Leonard said to Penny, smiling. "Everything's back to normal again," he added. "We're on our way to the airport. You want to come along?"

"Sure," Penny said, joining the group as they began walking down the stairs. "So, how did you enjoy your stay here?" she asked Mary Cooper. Even though Mary had spent the last week sharing Penny's apartment at night, she hadn't said much to Penny while she was in "Beverly" mode.

"Oh, it was fine, dear!" Mary replied happily. "I'm just so sorry I didn't see more of Shelly while I was here! Why was that, Shelly?" she asked her son.

"I don't know, Mom," Sheldon replied, though he very well did; it was just he couldn't say anything about Penny and her relatives being witches without his mother freaking out and going all "witch hunter" on her.

"Well, the next time I'm here," Mary said sternly. "Don't be such a stranger to your mother."

"I won't, Mom," Sheldon sighed, _really_ wishing he could say something. This being blamed for something he had no control over was getting old really fast.

"I hope not," Mary continued. "I thought you'd want some of my famous fried chicken this time, but you never asked!"

"Awwww…!" Sheldon muttered.

"And I made a pecan pie over at Penny's the other day, but she and I ate the whole thing before you ever came over for a slice."

"Awwwwww…!"

"Well, it's your own fault, Shelly, for ignoring your mother!"

"…Mother, I think there's something you need to know—"

"Sheldon wasn't feeling well that night," Leonard quickly interjected, before Sheldon could give away Penny's secret. "His chest felt a little congested."

"Really? You should have told me, Shelly—I would have come over and put Vapo-Rub on your chest."

"Awwwwwwww!"

**-=o=-**

_A few weeks later—  
_Penny was alone in her apartment, having left work early that day. Her face was in her hands, and she was quietly sobbing when the door opened and Leonard looked inside. "Hey, hey," he said softly, hurrying over to sit next to her, putting his arm around her shoulder. "Penny, what's wrong?"

"I think I did something terrible," Penny said, looking up at him with reddened eyes. She pulled a tissue from a box on the coffee table and wiped her nose.

"I think I know what this is about," Leonard said, rubbing her back gently. "It's okay hon—Sheldon's gotten over you telling everyone when his birthday was."

Penny shook her head. "It's not that. You remember the potion I gave Mrs. Wolowitz that made her lose all that weight?"

"Yeah," Leonard said uncertainly, not sure where this was going.

"Well, I read in the Book of Magic that some potions can have unexpected side effects on mortals, possibly even dangerous ones. The potion I gave her was to help witches lose weight, but I didn't know that at the time! What if _that's_ what made her fall asleep and not wake up? That would mean I killed her!" This set off a fresh round of sobs.

"Penny," Leonard said. "Mrs. Wolowitz took that potion back at Thanksgiving, it's been almost three months since then. If she was going to fall asleep and not wake up because of that potion, it probably would have happened before now," he explained. "The amount of time between the two events makes it unlikely they're correlated."

"Maybe," Penny sniffed. "I'm not really sure what you said just now, but…" She managed a small smile. "Thank you for explaining it to me, honey."

"Come here," Leonard said, and hugged her tightly.

When she sat back, Penny asked, "Is that why you never ask me to do magic for you, because you're afraid something bad will happen?"

"No," Leonard said. "It's because I'm happy just being with you."

"Awww," Penny gave him a genuinely happy smile that time. "Thank you, sweetie."

"You're welcome," Leonard said, hugging her again. "Wanna fool around tonight?" he said in her ear.

"Maybe," she said, then smiled as she thought of something. "On _one_ condition," she added.

"What's that?" Leonard asked, smiling but a little concerned.

Penny leaned close to his ear. "I want to try a three-way tonight."

Leonard's eyes widened in shock. "What? Are you _serious_?!"

"Sure," Penny said.

"With who?" Leonard asked, beginning to look interested.

"Amy," Penny said at once. Leonard shuddered all over at that thought.

"Gotcha," Penny laughed. "I was just kidding about Amy."

"I was thinking more along the lines of—" Leonard started to say, but Penny cut him off.

"Don't get any bright ideas, smart guy," she warned him. "Just watch." She snapped her fingers. An identical copy of Penny appeared on the other side of Leonard, wrapping her arms around his neck. Leonard turned, looking at Penny's doppelganger in surprise, then back at her.

"Wow," he said, nearly speechless. "I don't know," he murmured. "I may not survive the two of you."

"Well, at least you'll die happy," Penny One said.

"And if you don't, we can go for a third me," Penny Two added.

"Kinky!" Leonard squeaked.

**-=o=-**

**A/N: It's been a while since I've updated, but I'm glad to get back to this story.**


	10. The There Aint No Justice Reconfiguratio

.

**Episode Ten**

**The "There Ain't No Justice" Reconfiguration**

_Updated_ 4/17/2015

**=ooo=**

_April 1, 2015  
__Howard and Bernadette's Apartment—_

"That was a great dinner, Bernie," Howard said as he settled down on the couch, patting his stomach. "I feel like I couldn't eat another bite all night."

"Right," Bernadette said. "Just remember that when you get up in the middle of the night to sneak a few Oreos."

Howard looked over his shoulder with a grin (albeit a guilty one). "What—what makes you think I sneak Oreos in the middle of the night?"

"Oh, maybe it's the crumbs and milk I find on the counter top in the morning," she said matter-of-factly as she joined him on the couch. "You know, if you took ten seconds to clean up after yourself, the only way I'd know you were sneaking cookies would be by counting them every night."

"Come on, I don't do it that often," Howard argued. "Or maybe it's because I miss Ma bringing cookies and milk to my bedroom at night."

"Howie, we've been married almost three years," Bernadette reminded him. "I know your mother's dead, but do you think you could turn down the grieving son thing a bit? When she was alive you constantly made jokes about her dying!"

"I know, I know," Howard said contritely. "Look, I'm sorry! I'll try to stop bringing up the fact that she's dead and I'll never see her again, okay?"

"Thank you," Bernadette said sweetly. She stood, going into the kitchen. "I'll wash the dishes tonight, you dry, okay?"

"Okay," Howard agreed, a bit reluctantly.

"And tonight means _tonight_," she added, warningly. "No getting up at six am to put everything away still half wet."

"Fine," Howard said. He wondered if there was something he could rig up to dry the dishes more quickly. Maybe a hair dryer on an oscillating platform—?

The doorbell to the apartment rang. "I'll get it," Howard said, then stood and walked to the door. "Who is it?" he asked before opening the door. It was just past 8 pm, a little late for unexpected guests.

"Howard, it's your mother," a familiar raspy voice responded. Howard froze for a moment, all the color draining from his face. How could this be?

"Ma…?" he muttered, yanking open the door. Outside stood Sheldon Cooper, a small recorder/playback device in his hand. Next to him was Amy Farrah Fowler, a pained expression on her face.

"April fool!" Sheldon said, a broad, uncharacteristic grin on his face. "Were you fooled?" he asked Howard. "I recorded your mother's voice once, and I just remembered today was the only chance I'd have to use it for another year."

"Sheldon," Howard said, shocked and upset. "Don't you remember, my mother's _dead_!" He turned and walked away from the door.

"I know," Sheldon said. "That's why this is an April fool's joke—you wouldn't expect her to show up at your door." He walked into the apartment, Amy following him.

"Sorry," Amy said. "I tried to talk him out of it."

"Sheldon!" Bernadette came into the living room looking furious. "That was a very inappropriate joke to play on my husband!"

"Well, what could I do?" Sheldon looked mystified. "I didn't have any recordings of Howard's father, who's still alive, as far as I know." Howard threw up his hands upon hearing that.

"That wouldn't have been appropriate, either!" Bernadette said crossly. "You know Howard's father left him when he was only eleven!"

"What are you doing here anyway?" Howard demanded.

"Sorry, that's my fault," Amy said. "Bernadette told me you were going to have a garage sale at your mother's house starting tomorrow, and I thought I would see if I could help in any way." She looked at Sheldon. "Sheldon asked to ride along. I didn't know he was planning an April Fool's prank on you."

"Well, that's very nice of you," Howard said, his anger mollified by Amy's generous offer. He looked at Sheldon. "You're not planning on helping, are you?"

"As much as I would enjoy helping," Sheldon said. "Leonard and I have are traveling to Berkeley tomorrow, to give a lecture on the paper we wrote together."

"Aw, too bad you won't be here," Howard said sarcastically.

"Well, I could let Leonard go to Berkeley alone…" Sheldon pondered. Both Howard and Bernadette paled, thinking about Sheldon making a shambles of their garage sale. "Bazinga! I can't stay, Leonard would be helpless without me there with him."

**=ooo=**

Leonard was putting the phone back in its cradle as Sheldon and Amy walked into apartment 4A. "Oh, Sheldon," Leonard said. "That was the landlord calling. He said a water main broke and the building's going to be without water until sometime tomorrow afternoon."

"Without water?" Sheldon gasped. He ran over to the kitchen and turned on the kitchen sink faucet. Nothing happened. He turned and ran into the bathroom.

"Sheldon—" Leonard began.

"How will I brush my teeth tonight?" Sheldon voice came from the hallway, frantic.

"Sheldon, listen—"

"How will I take a shower? How will I move my bowels tomorrow at 8:20 am? Oh, this is a nightmare!" Sheldon was running back and forth across the apartment, trying to figure out what to do first. Leonard and Amy watched him finally run to the refrigerator and start pulling out water bottles. "These are mine! I call dibs!" he said, his arms full. He started back down the hallway.

"Sheldon, I forgot to tell you something!" Leonard called out. Sheldon stopped, turning to look at him.

"What?" he demanded.

"April fool," Leonard said, smiling. Amy chuckled.

"_April fool_?" Sheldon looked incensed. "Leonard, that's not funny!"

"Sheldon, you just tried to make Howard think his mother was still alive," Amy pointed out. "Actually, by comparison, this was pretty funny."

"Amy!"

"Sorry, Sheldon," Leonard said, with an apologetic shrug. "Howard called me and told me the joke you pulled on him. He asked me to pull an April Fool joke on you for him. I just went down and turned off the water to our apartment."

"Well I don't know what made you think that was funny," Sheldon scolded. "Water is essential for our existence, Leonard—pretending it's shut off is no laughing matter!" He opened the refrigerator and shoved the water bottles back inside, then stalked off to his room to sulk.

"Sorry, Sheldon," Leonard called out as he left. "I'll remember that in the future." He glanced at Amy and they shared a smile together.

"I remember being the butt of several April Fool's jokes when I was in school," Amy said, after Sheldon had left.

"Oh, that's too bad," Leonard said sympathetically.

"It's fine," Amy replied, no emotion in her voice. "It was better than the rest of the time, when the only people who talked to me were the janitor and the security man, who kept finding me locked in the supply closet."

"Why were you locked in there?" Leonard asked, curiously.

"Oh, I used to lock myself in there so I would have time to get my homework done," Amy explained. "Well, I should be going," she said, turning and walking out the door.

Leonard shook his head and sat down in his chair, picking up the remote to turn on the TV.

The apartment door opened again and Amy announced, "April Fool!" startling Leonard and making him drop the remote. "I don't really have to go now," Amy said, coming back in and sitting on the couch. Leonard stared at her for several seconds, then shook his head and picked up the remote. He turned on the TV and they sat there for some time, watching an infomercial for ten-minutes abs.

"Leonard, are you looking forward to your trip to Berkeley tomorrow with Sheldon?" Amy asked, turning toward him.

"More and more every minute," Leonard said.

**=ooo=**

_April 9, 2015  
__Leonard and Sheldon's apartment—_

Penny opened the door to 4A and stepped in, hoping Leonard wasn't too upset to talk to her. "Sweetie, I wasn't really trying to play you like Wil said—" she abruptly stopped, trying to figure out what she was seeing.

Where the couch was normally located there was—something. It looked sort of like a whirlwind had torn through a linen closet. There were blankets and bedsheets hanging everywhere. From somewhere inside it came Amy's voice.

"Hi, bestie. How do you like our fort?"

"Is that what it is?" Penny asked, smiling. "I thought maybe Sheldon was trying to keep _everyone_ off the couch."

"Well, that was _part_ of it," Sheldon's voice admitted. "But mostly I just wanted to build a fort of my very own. You know, I'm tempted to send my brother and sister a picture, just so they'll know what they're missing out on."

"Yeah, _that'll_ show 'em," came Leonard's voice.

"Leonard are you in there?" Penny asked. "Seriously?"

"Yes," Leonard said, in a small voice. A pause, then: "Sheldon invited me in."

"Well, it must be very cozy in there with the three of you," she said. "Sweetie," she added, to Leonard. "I'll be back in my apartment when you get done playing Physicists and Indians."

"I can come out—" Leonard began.

"Oh no," Penny said quickly, heading to the door. "You all have fun." She rolled her eyes as she stepped out of the apartment.

Closing the door, she started across the hallway, only to find a tall man leaning on her door, watching her and smiling. It was her father, Wyatt!

"Daddy!" Penny squealed excitedly, running to him. She hugged him tightly.

"Hi, Penny," Wyatt said, hugging her back. "It's good to see you again!"

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" Penny asked as she stepped back.

"I wanted it to be a surprise," Wyatt said. "A friend of mine was transporting some equipment from Kansas City to Los Angeles, and he asked if I would come along. Well, since my retirement your mom is always happy to get me out of the house, so…" Wyatt looked over at 4A. "Say, is Leonard home? I want to congratulate you both on your impending nuptials."

"Oh—" Penny moved quickly between her father and the door to 4A. "He's pretty busy with a, um, project right now. We can go over later."

"Alright," Wyatt agreed, as she unlocked the door to her apartment. He followed her inside. "I know it's late," he said. "But have you eaten yet?"

"No," Penny replied. Doing a podcast on _Serial Ape-ist 2_ with Wil Wheaton, having Kevin Smith call in and offer her an audition for _Clerks 3_, and getting into an argument with Leonard over her pharma rep job and money, she had worked up a bit of an appetite tonight. "I have spaghetti in the fridge I can heat up for us," she suggested.

"Or, I can take you out for a steak," Wyatt countered. "Whatever you want."

"Well," Penny smiled. "I can't turn down an offer like that. Let's go."

As they started down the stairs Wyatt looked back at 4A again. "Do you think we should ask Leonard if he'd like to go?"

"Nah," Penny said, continuing to walk down. "Let him get his own steak. I want a chance to talk to my dad." Wyatt chuckled and followed his daughter down the stairs.

**=ooo=**

The nearest steakhouse was only a couple of miles away. Penny drove since her father said he'd taken a taxi to her apartment. The hostess seated them and their server took their orders in between Wyatt's stories about what had been going on at home since his last visit.

There was really only _one_ subject Penny wanted to talk about with him, but she didn't want to bring it up. Last July she'd been visited by her grandfather Maurice, who had told her that her father had been born in 1862 and was almost 153 years old. He'd also told Penny that she was a witch, but that her powers were being suppressed by a condition called Latent Magic Syndrome. Fortunately there was a treatment for it, and she'd been cured and gained magical powers. Since then, she had been learning witchcraft, while at the same time trying to keep from telling people. She'd told Amy shortly after she became a witch and Amy promptly forgot she ever knew Penny. She managed to get a potion that gave Amy her memories of Penny back, but only Leonard, her fiancé, knew that she was a witch. And, well, she'd told Bernadette one night when she'd had too much to drink, but Bernadette didn't forget her. And Bernadette had told Sheldon, who hadn't forgotten either. But Amy, Howard and Raj were still in the dark about it.

Their food finally arrived, and Wyatt dug into his steak with relish, continuing to talk as he did so. "Anyway," he was saying between mouthfuls of steak, "your brother is finally out of rehab again. Your mom and I think he's going to make it this time," he said confidently. "He's even talking about going to live in Colorado."

"Really," Penny said. She wondered if her father had heard about the recent changes in the marijuana laws in Colorado. "So, Daddy, has anything else interesting happened at home in the last year or so?" she asking, offering him a subtle chance to come clean with her.

"Oh, it's mostly the same-old, same-old," Wyatt said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Your mom's been riding me to get another job, but I kind of like being retired. I'm thinking I can come out here to visit you more often."

"I'd like that," Penny beamed.

"So how many kids are you and Leonard planning to have?" he asked.

"Daddy!" Penny folded her arms, looking cross. "It's way too soon to start talking about that! We haven't even set a date for the wedding yet!"

"Well, hurry up and set a date!" Wyatt urged. "Your mom and I want grandkids!"

"What about my nephew?" Penny reminded him.

"Well, that's different," Wyatt muttered. "He's your sister's stepson, so he's not really my grandson."

"Oh, Daddy," Penny was disappointed. "That's not fair at all. Endora's not my real grandmother but she's _like_ a—" She suddenly slapped her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide.

Wyatt was giving her a penetrating look. "How do you know about Endora?" he asked her.

Penny sat frozen for several seconds, hands over her mouth. She took them away and said, "Maurice told me about her."

"He did, huh?" Wyatt's expression was stony. "Well, I guess you know," he said, looking unhappy. Penny nodded. "I've been trying to figure out how to tell you," Wyatt went on. "I've been waiting for the right moment."

"Daddy," Penny said levelly. "I'm going to be 30 this year, I think the right moment passed a long time ago. Why haven't you ever told me? Do my brother and sister know?"

"Nobody knows," Wyatt shook his head. "Maurice had them tested for witchcraft without my knowledge. I gotta tell you, I wasn't very happy about that. And I'm not very happy he came and told you!"

"Well, he did more than tell me," Penny said, slowly. "He had Dr. Bombay give me a potion."

Wyatt expression turned anxious. "And what happened?"

"It made me into a witch," Penny said, her voice almost a whisper.

"I see," Wyatt said shortly. "When did this happen?"

"Last July."

"And you haven't talked to me about it in all this time?" Wyatt asked, upset.

"You haven't talked to me about it in 30 years!" Penny countered, her voice rising as well. "What was up with that?!"

"All right, keep it down," Wyatt muttered, looking around. "People will—"

He stopped, looking around him again. Everyone in the restaurant was motionless. People were in mid-bite of their meals. Champagne being poured into a glass had frozen in mid-pour. Wyatt looked at Penny. "Did you do that?" he demanded.

"No," Penny said, looking around. "Must be somebody else—"

Endora appeared at their table across from Wyatt. "Oh, really," she said, in an annoyed tone. "Must you make such a fuss the first time you see your daughter after becoming a warlock?"

"What?" Penny gasped. "Daddy, is that true?"

"Yeah," Wyatt muttered. He glared at Endora. "Thanks, _Mom_," he said sarcastically. "I was going to tell her."

"Yes," Endora said sardonically. "I'm sure it's just slipped your mind for the past three decades."

"What happened?" Penny wanted to know.

"Same thing that happened with you, I expect," Wyatt said. "Your grandfather got Dr. Bombay to give me a potion. In my case it took a while to work on me—I had to wait a few months before I could do any magic. After that I retired from work and have been learning magic at home ever since."

"Have you told Mom?" Penny asked, certain he had.

"Not yet," was his surprising reply. "I'd like to be able to do more than float the dirty clothes into the washing machine before I show her."

"Yes," Endora chuckled. "Compared to your father you're a prodigy. He's barely through the first few chapters of the _Book of Magic_."

"Thanks, Endora," Wyatt groused. "You're all heart."

"Don't mention it," Endora purred. "And by all means, please continue with your meal."

"I've lost my appetite," Wyatt said, pushing his plate away.

"Well," Endora smiled, "I see my work here is done, then. "Well, I'm off to dinner with a dear friend of mine I haven't seen in simply _ages_. Ta." With a gesture she disappeared. The other people in the restaurant began moving again.

"That is one—if you'll excuse me for saying—_witch_ who gets on my nerves," Wyatt complained, meanwhile dragging his plate back in front of him and resuming his meal. "How long has she been giving you trouble, Penny?"

"She's actually been more helpful than not," Penny said. She thought for a second. "Other than a couple of times when she thought it would be funny to play a joke on Leonard…"

"See? What did I tell you?" her father pointed out.

"But what about _you_?" Penny wanted to know. "How have you been doing with learning magic? And why haven't you told Mom? Don't you think you should be honest with her?"

"It's not that simple with your mom," Wyatt sighed. "As long as they don't know that witches exist, Endora and your other relatives can't come around and bother them. The Witches Council doesn't want witches and mortals fraternizing more than necessary."

"Oh, I guess that's true," Penny realized. "I never thought of that. If Leonard didn't know I was a witch, Endora couldn't play jokes on him."

"Exactly," Wyatt agreed. "But in his case you were going to have to tell him anyway, if you're going to be married."

"Then why doesn't that apply to you and Mom?" Penny wanted to know.

"Because I couldn't do magic when we got married," Wyatt pointed out. "And as far as I knew at the time, I never would. You get it?"

"Yeah, I guess…" Penny had to agree. They ate the rest of their meals in an uncomfortable silence.

**=ooo=**

"You can tell me it's none of my business, Dad," Penny was saying later, as they climbed the stairs to the fourth floor of 2311 North Los Robles. "But I think Mom deserves to know. I mean, what's going to happen in 30 years when she's 80-something and you haven't gotten any older?"

"You may be right," Wyatt admitted. "I probably do owe it to the old gal for putting up with me for so long."

"Gee, Dad, that's the spirit," Penny deadpanned, giving him a wry look.

"You know what I mean," Wyatt said, waiting as Penny went through her purse for her apartment key. "I just don't know how she's going to take the news."

"I'm sure she'll do fine," Penny said. "Mom's tough."

"Don't I know it," her father muttered. "She hasn't hardly let me sleep in once since I've retired. She keeps coming up with projects for me to do around the house. You know, once I get good at magic she's gonna be surprised how much stuff is going to be working again."

Just then the door to 4A opened and Leonard backed out of his apartment into the hallway, quietly easing the door shut behind him. "There," he said softly. "Now maybe I can get some sleep, if Penny will let me—" he stopped, startled as he turned and saw Penny and Wyatt standing there watching him. "Oh, hi," he said. "I was just—Sheldon and Amy are—" he stopped again, wondering how he was going to explain to Wyatt what was going on in his apartment and deciding not to try. "Wyatt!" he said, happy to see his soon-to-be father-in-law. "I didn't know you were here, Penny didn't mention you were coming!"

"It was a surprise," Wyatt said. "It's good to see you again, son!" He shook Leonard's hand. "I hadn't seen my little girl in too long, and decided to fix that. So how've you been, Leonard? Ready for married life?"

"I'm looking forward to it," Leonard said, grinning.

Wyatt leaned in closer. "Even with a witch?" he asked confidentially.

Leonard froze at the remark. "Um, I think so," he said, warily. He looked at Penny. "I guess your dad knows," he said, questioningly.

"Yeah," Penny said. She was a bit torqued that her father had brought the subject up. "And what's more, he's a warlock too, now."

"Really?" Leonard smiled at Wyatt. "Congratulations!"

"Well, thanks," Wyatt said, though he didn't seem very happy about it. "But it was up to my dear old dad." He sighed. "He just couldn't keep his nose out of my business."

"Tell me about it," Penny said sarcastically. "That must run in our family."

"Hey, look," Wyatt held up his hands. "I'm not trying to butt into your lives. I just came out to see how you were doing, now that—"

"Now that I'm a witch and you're a warlock?" Penny finished. "You know what? I haven't even told you about Leonard!"

"What about Leonard?" Wyatt asked, warily.

"What about me?" Leonard asked.

"I took Leonard to the Eternal Realm with me when I had to go to the Apothecary and pick up some medicine," Penny told him. "And when we got back home we found out that he'd developed some magical abilities."

"Really?" Wyatt turned to Leonard. "I'm impressed. That doesn't happen to many mortals that go to Eternal Realm. Not that many do, it's forbidden, you know."

"Well, I didn't know that at the time," Penny said. "So now _I'm_ a witch, _you're_ a warlock, and Leonard's can do wishcraft. Sometimes. He can't really control it."

"Maybe we should have Dr. Bombay check you out," Wyatt suggested.

"We thought of that," Leonard said. "But there isn't anything he can do, really. It may fade away in time, it may get stronger. He just couldn't tell."

"At least," Penny said, opening her apartment. "Things can't get any worse." They walked inside, only to find three women standing in the middle of the living room, glaring at them.

"Oh, balls," Penny said.

**=ooo=**

The three women all wore very stern expressions. The first witch was a stout woman with short white hair, a plain floral dress and small black hat. The next woman was thin, with curly iron-gray hair and the same outmoded clothing. The third woman was stouter, but otherwise greatly resembled the first two women.

"Penny," the first woman said, in an authoritarian tone. "We're from the Witches Council. I'm Hagatha, this is Enchantra—" she indicated the witch next to her "and that is Bertha," she finished, pointing to the third woman.

"What do you three old biddies want?" Wyatt growled. It was evident he already knew them.

"Wyatt," the third witch said, wagging a finger at him. "You mind your manners. This doesn't concern you."

"If it concerns Penny, it concerns me," Wyatt said.

"What do you want?" Penny asked.

The first witch, Hagatha, held out a scroll to her. Penny took it. "What's this?" she asked.

"It is a summons," Hagatha said. "You are to appear before the Witches Council, to answer charges that you knowingly brought a moral into the Eternal Realm, a violation of the Witches' Code."

"But there must be some misunderstanding," Leonard spoke up. "Penny didn't know she wasn't supposed to bring me to your realm—"

"_Silence_, mortal," Hagatha commanded. "That is not the violation she is accused of."

"Well then, what are you talking about?" Penny demanded.

"The charges will be heard at the Council meeting," Enchantra said. "You will come with us now."

"_Now_?" Penny said, shocked. "It's the middle of the night!"

"This is outrageous," Wyatt angrily declared. "You have to give her time to prepare!"

"Prepare for what?" Bertha, the third witch, said. "She and the witnesses we call will answer the questions we put to them, and then we will make our decision."

"And what happens if you find her guilty?" Leonard asked.

"Then she will be stripped of her powers forever," Hagatha pronounced.

Penny looked at her father. "Looks like things just got worse."

Wyatt turned to the three witches. "I'm going with her," he said. "She's entitled to have someone there to help defend herself."

"I'm going, too!" Leonard agreed.

"Only witches and warlocks may attend a Witches Council meeting," Hagatha declared.

"But I'm her fiancé!" Leonard protested.

Hagatha rolled her eyes. "Oh, not this mixed-marriage thing again," she muttered. "Mortal, you will remain here. When we are done with the trial your fiancée will be returned to you, either as a witch, or as a mortal."

She turned to Wyatt. "And as her advisor you will share in her fate. Do you still wish to go with her?"

Wyatt nodded defiantly. "I do."

"Very well, then." Hagatha gestured and everyone except Leonard disappeared as lightning and thunder rumbled above the apartment.

Leonard looked around the room. "Wow," he muttered to himself. "I wish I knew what was going to happen." He waited silently for several seconds. "Shoot. I should have known that wasn't going to work." He sat down on the couch, his face in his hands, to await whatever was to come.

**=ooo=**

Penny and Wyatt appeared in a foggy, amorphous place, surrounded by mist. As she looked around, she saw they were surrounded by a polished wooden bannister, like a small gate.

The mist began to roll away. Penny saw a long judge's bench come into view, with men and women seated behind it. Witches and warlocks, Penny reminded herself. She could see Hagatha, Enchantra and Bertha among them. There were four other people with them, another witch she didn't recognize and three warlocks. There were also a few gaps between some of them, as if some people were missing.

"What is this place?" Penny muttered, looking around for anything else but seeing nothing but whiteness in the distance.

"This is the Witches Council chamber," Wyatt said softly.

Penny glanced at him. "You sound like you've seen this place before."

"I have," Wyatt nodded. "A long time ago, when I was young. "This is where my parents brought me to figure out what they should do about my powers not working."

Penny wanted to ask what happened, though she thought she already knew, but before she could speak one of the witches began speaking. It was Hagatha.

"Hear ye, hear ye," Hagatha's voice rang out as she read from a scroll. "This session of the Witches High Court is called to order. Bring forth the accused."

"We're right here, Hagatha," Wyatt complained. "Did you forget _you_ brought us here?"

"Silence," Hagatha commanded. Wyatt folded his arms but subsided, looking angry. "We will now hear the reading of the charges," Hagatha intoned.

"The High Court charges that the accused, Penny, did knowingly bring a human to the Eternal Realm, having been warned that such was against the Witches' Code. What says the accused to this charge?"

"What are my choices?" Penny asked.

"Ignorance of the Code is no excuse," Enchantra objected.

"Sorry, but you've been at this a few thousand years longer than I have," Penny retorted.

"Young lady," an older warlock warned her. "Another remark like that and you'll be held in contempt of court."

"I'm sorry, Your Honor," Penny said. "Or Your Warlockness, or whatever."

"Don't worry, Penny," her father said. "I've got enough contempt for them all." He raised his voice. "The accused pleads not guilty by reason of mitigating circumstances."

The witches and warlocks along the bench began whispering to one another. The whispering went on for quite some time, it seemed to Penny. She tried listening in, but somehow couldn't make out anything that was being said. Her powers weren't working for some reason.

"I can't hear them," she whispered to her father.

"They won't let you," Wyatt muttered. "While we're here our powers are suppressed. We're just like mortals again, though they still have their powers."

"That doesn't seem fair," Penny remarked unhappily.

"But that's the way things are here," Wyatt told her. "The Council always gets their way, whether that way is right or not."

The whispering ceased. Apparently Wyatt's comments had been overheard. "We haven't forgotten about you either, Wyatt," Bertha said. "You turned out to be quite a disappointment to us."

"Almost as much as you've been to me," Wyatt retorted.

"Enough," Hagatha commanded. "A plea of Not Guilty is entered for the accused. Call the first witness. Dr. Bombay, come right away!"

**=ooo=**

_Meanwhile, in Fort Cozy McBlanket—_

"Leonard?" Sheldon called out. "Are you coming back inside?"

Silence from outside the fort. Sheldon poked his head out of the top. "Huh! Leonard's not in the kitchen. I thought he was going to get us something to drink."

"It's all right, Sheldon," Amy said from within the fort. "It's almost 11 pm. We agreed we would 'settle down' at 11 pm."  
"I know, but I did want the chance to tell Leonard he couldn't sleep with us in the fort tonight." Sheldon's head dropped back within the fort. "On the other hand," he mused, "he's probably gone back over to Penny's."

"I'll bet _their_ sleepover isn't G-rated," Amy muttered.

"Amy," Sheldon said warningly. "We agreed on the terms of _this_ sleepover."

"So we did, Sheldon. Very well, I'll go change into my pajamas and brush my teeth."

"Don't forget the bag you hid under the couch," Sheldon reminded her. "I'm going to go say goodnight to Leonard and Penny."

They both left the fort, Amy heading to the bathroom, Sheldon to the front door. He went across the hall and knocked on the door to 4B with his characteristic knock. "Leonard and Penny. Leonard and Penny. Leonard and Penny."

Leonard opened the door a few seconds later. "What is it, Sheldon?"

"I came over to say goodnight." Sheldon looked around. "Where's Penny?"

"She…had to leave for a while," Leonard finally murmured, walking back and dropping onto the couch.

"Leave?" Sheldon looked perplexed. "Where would she go this late at night?"

"There's some kind of problem," Leonard said. "Some—" he lowered his voice "—witches came and took her."

Sheldon looked at Leonard, concerned. "Is Penny in trouble?"

"I don't know," Leonard said, running a hand through his hair. "She could be. They're accusing her of breaking the Witches' Code."

"What did she do?" Sheldon asked. "Fly a broomstick without a license? Brew a potion without FDA approval?" Sheldon raised his eyebrows as Leonard stared at him. "Bazinga!"

"No, and this is no time for Bazingas, Sheldon!" Leonard snapped. "If they find her guilty, she could be stripped of her witchcraft forever!"

"Can they really do that?" Sheldon asked.

"Apparently so," Leonard said, upset even thinking about it.

"So," Sheldon went on, "if they can take her witchcraft away, could they give it to someone else? Someone who would be able to do something really useful with it, like say, create some groundbreaking research that would earn him a Nobel Prize?"

"Sheldon!" Leonard looked at him, aghast. "Is _that_ what you took from that? I can't believe you would say that about your friend!"

Sheldon held up his hands. "I'm sorry, you're right. That was insensitive of me. But if these witches were looking for someone to replace her-"

"Enough, Sheldon," Leonard said, weary of listening to him. "Now if you don't mind, I'd like to wait for Penny to return. Alone."

"Alright," Sheldon said, going to the door. "Remember, if you need us, Amy and I will be in Fort Cozy McBlanket. We're having our first sleepover."

Leonard looked up, surprised. "Really? A sleepover? You and Amy?"

"Oh, I see where your mind is, Leonard," Sheldon _tsked_. "Wallowing in the gutter. No, our sleepover will be strictly platonic."

"Does Amy know that?" Leonard asked, managing a grin.

"Of course she does!"

"Well, then, good luck getting through the night."

"Thank you," Sheldon said. He started to leave then did a double-take at what Leonard just said, but walked out of the apartment without further comment.

**=ooo=**

Dr. Bombay appeared a moment after Hagatha called out his name, in a chair off to one side of the judges' bench, a chair that hadn't been there a moment earlier. He was dressed in a familiar white coat with a stethoscope around his neck. "Doctor Bombay reporting as ordered," he said crisply, albeit with a note of reluctance at being summoned to the Court.

"Dr. Bombay," Hagatha addressed him. "Will you please describe the events that occurred the day Penny called you to her fiancé's apartment?"

"Must I really?" Bombay looked quite uncomfortable. "It was all in my report, after all." He glanced toward Penny and Wyatt but couldn't meet their eyes."

"What report?" Penny demanded.

"Silence," Hagatha commanded again. "Yes, Doctor, the Court requires that you testify. If you refuse, remember that you could share the fate of the defendants when—I mean _if_—they are found guilty."

"Oh, very well," Bombay huffed. "When I arrived at the apartment I found a mortal who was suffering from an induced case of _summattius turbatitis_, also known as MAMB Syndrome."

"What does 'MAMB' stand for?" one of the warlocks asked.

"It stands for 'Me Angry, Me Big'" Dr. Bombay replied.

"Would you mind describing the symptoms of this disease, Doctor?" Hagatha asked him.

"It is a condition wherein when the victim becomes angry or upset he or she will increase in stature," Bombay explained. "If left untreated the change in height can become permanent."

"Can this condition be contracted by mortals, Doctor?" Hagatha asked.

"Oh, yes. Many humans did, in the past. That is why giants walked the Earth long ago," Bombay said. "We've developed a cure and vaccinations for it, of course, but the pathogens are still present in our realm."

"Is that why humans are forbidden in the Eternal Realm, Doctor?" Hagatha questions.

"Among other reasons," Bombay agreed. "It is easily treatable in mortals, however, if detected early."

"Thank you, Doctor," Hagatha said perfunctorily. She waved a hand toward Penny and Wyatt. "Your witness."

Penny looked at her father. She had no idea what to ask the doctor that would make her look any less guilty.

"Do you _have_ any questions for the Doctor?" Enchantra asked impatiently. "Or would you prefer to change your plea to 'guilty?' It will go easier with you if you do not waste this Court's time, young lady."

"Doctor," Wyatt spoke up. "Was the defendant aware of the existence of MAMB Syndrome when she brought the mortal in question to the Realm?"

"Oh, objection!" Bertha spoke up. "You're asking the doctor about something someone else said! That's hearsay, isn't it?" she looked at the others on the bench.

"I'm asking for the doctor's expert medical opinion," Wyatt replied. "He _is_ the only witch doctor you have, isn't he?"

"Well, yes," Bertha hedged, reluctantly. "But…"

"So there's no one else who can answer my question, is there?" Wyatt pressed. "If he doesn't know, _nobody_ does, do they?"

"I suppose not," Bertha mumbled. "Objection withdrawn."

"Doctor?" Wyatt prompted.

"Er—" Bombay thought for a moment. "I would say not. The condition is quite rare—almost no witch or warlock contracts the condition these days, though mortals are more susceptible to it. Even so, the odds of a mortal catching the disease is less than one in a thousand."

"Could Penny have picked up the pathogen during one of her visits to the Eternal Realm?" Wyatt asked. "Could she then have passed it on to the mortal before they entered the Eternal Realm?"

"It is possible," Bombay nodded.

"So it's possible the mortal could have contracted the disease without ever entering the Eternal Realm?" Wyatt concluded.

"I would say it's possible," Bombay agreed, slowly. Wyatt smiled in satisfaction. After a glance toward the Council, however, the doctor continued, saying, "Although it would be extremely unlikely that Penny would have picked up the pathogen herself. I made sure to give her all the relevant vaccinations when she became a witch."

"Thank you, Doctor," Wyatt said, annoyed with Bombay's honesty at the moment. "I have no further questions."

Doctor Bombay nodded and vanished. The Council members began whispering among themselves. Penny tried to listen in again but she could hear nothing they were saying. Her father stood with his arms folded, glaring at them as they talked back and forth.

Finally, all the Council members sat upright, facing Penny and Wyatt. "Having heard all of the relevant testimony," Hagatha announced. "This Court finds the defendant, Penny, guilty of violating the Witches' Code!"

**=ooo=**

_Back in Fort Cozy McBlaket— _

Sheldon was back inside the fort, on the couch with a blanket covering him, when Amy returned from the bathroom in her pajamas and one of Sheldon's guest housecoats. "How are Leonard and Penny doing?" Amy asked.

"Alright, I guess," Sheldon said, discomfort in his voice.

"What's wrong?" Amy asked.

"Did I say anything was wrong?" Sheldon responded immediately. "I said they were alright."

"You said you guessed," Amy reminded him. "Also, you're using your 'I'm hiding something and I want to tell you' tone of voice," she added.

"Am I?" Sheldon, trying to use his "everything is okay" tone of voice, but failing. "Oh, very well, you're right. I can never hide anything from you, Amy Farrah Fowler."

"True," Amy agreed. "Except most of your emotions, your true feelings for me, and your personal roll of toilet paper, which is missing from its usual hiding spot tonight."

"I don't know what you mean," Sheldon murmured, shifting slowly as he reached out and took a small night-bag from the arm of the couch, putting it behind him so Amy couldn't see it any more.

"Sheldon," Amy said patiently. "You don't have to hide things from me. I won't use your stuff if you don't want me to."

"I don't want anyone to know about my personal roll," Sheldon said, defensively.

"I would never betray a confidence between us, Sheldon," Amy promised.

"Really?" Sheldon had an odd gleam in his eye. "Because I've got a doozy of a secret about Penny. But you have to promise never to mention it to her or Leonard."

"Really?" Amy looked intrigued. What could Sheldon know about her bestie that she didn't know already? "I promise, Sheldon," she agreed. "Scout's honor. And remember, I was in the Scouts for two years before they found out I was a girl."

"Okay, here it is," Sheldon leaned forward conspiratorially. "Penny's a witch."

"Sheldon," Amy said reproachfully. "I know you don't always approve of her or Leonard's relationship with her, but you should be more respectful and not call her names."

"I'm not calling her a name," Sheldon insisted. "She really _is_ a witch. She can do real magic, like Harry Potter, except she doesn't need a magic wand."

"That can't be true," Amy objected. "If she was a witch she would have told me so long before now."

"She hasn't been a witch for long," Sheldon argued. "Only since last summer, and she already tried to tell you once, but you forgot everything about her. Do you remember?"

Amy looked confused. "If I forgot everything about her how come I remember her?"

"Because you drank a magic potion that made you remember again," Sheldon said. "Do you remember last summer when you thought you caught a cold and Leonard gave you some medication? _That_ was the potion that made you remember Penny."

Amy was staring at him, dumbstruck. "How long have you known this without telling _me_?" she demanded. "There's supposed to be an implied boyfriend-girlfriend confidentiality clause in the Relationship Agreement!"

"But that was superseded by my prior Roommate Agreement with Leonard," Sheldon quickly explained. "Along with the codicils I put in when Penny and Leonard became engaged!"

"Sheldon, _our_ relationship supersedes _theirs_," Amy cried. "Besides, didn't we establish that, according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto, our closeness rating is 8.2 out of 10?"

"There is that," Sheldon admitted. "By golly, you're right, Amy! But you've got to promise me you won't say anything to Leonard or Penny about this. I don't want them to know I blabbed to you."

"I promise, Sheldon," Amy said, silently wondering why her bestie had never come to her with this herself. Leonard she could understand—the little sad sack was so insecure about his and Penny's relationship that he rarely spoke about her to Amy. But she and Penny were practically sisters…

"Okay, so get this," Sheldon was saying. "Penny found out last summer that her grandfather Maurice was a warlock…"

**=ooo=**

"WHAT?!" both Penny and Wyatt shouted. "You haven't even heard _our_ side of it!" Penny demanded hotly.

"Oh, do you have a side to this?" Hagatha looked surprised. "The facts seem pretty clear to this Court."

"We still want to present our side," Wyatt said. He turned away from the Court, to face Penny. "Stall them as long as you can," he whispered. Turning back to face the Court, he announced loudly, "I'd like to call Penny to the stand."

Penny walked up to sit in the chair next to the judges' bench. "Penny," her father began, "can you tell us what happened on the day in question?"

"Well, let's see…" Penny appeared to think for several seconds, while the Court looked on impatiently. "I got up that morning feeling pretty good about how the day was going to go—"

"Skip to the conversation between you and the mortal," Hagatha directed. "What was her name?"

"Um, it was Bernadette," Penny said. "Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz. She and I were sharing a bottle of wine—"

"Do you often drink wine with mortals?" one of the other witches asked.

"What, are you writing my memoirs?" Penny asked. Before anyone could protest she added, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I _sometimes_ drink wine, especially when a friend is coming over to hang out. Bernadette and I have known each other for a long time. We worked together at the Cheesecake Factory."

The Council members whispered amongst themselves for several seconds. It didn't look they liked that particular bit of information, Penny decided. "Anyway, she and I had been friends long enough that I decided to share with her that I was a witch. In fact, I was feeling a little guilty that I hadn't told her already."

"Penny," her father broke in. "Is it fair to say that when you told Bernadette that you were a witch, that the two of you were both tipsy at the time?"

"I dunno," Penny shrugged. "I guess you could say so. A _little_."

"How did Bernadette react when you told her you were a witch?"

"Well, she was upset with me," Penny remembered. "I guess she was a little mad I _hadn't_ told her already."

"What did she say when you told her that you brought Leonard to the Eternal Realm and it cured his asthma, and gave him limited magical powers as well?" Wyatt continued.

"Um, Dad?" Penny wondered what her father was trying to do. "Hello? I'm already in trouble for bringing one person there!"

"We are well aware of that occurrence," Hagatha said archly. "The Apothecary reported the incident to us when it occurred. But as you were unaware of the Witches' Code forbidding it, no charges were brought at that time."

"But this time she was impaired due to the wine she'd drank," Wyatt pointed out.

"That is hardly a mitigating reason," Enchantra said severely.

"Really?" Wyatt looked unconvinced. "How many of you august witches and warlocks of the Court have committed infractions of the Code, infractions that were overlooked in light of your position on the Council?"

Several members of the Court suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Ahem," Hagatha harrumphed. "Well, that's hardly relevant to this proceeding!" She banged a gavel that was suddenly next to her on the bench. "Ladies and gentlemen of the Court! What is your verdict for the accused?"

"Guilty," each witch and warlock said in turn. "Guilty as well," Hagatha concurred, the last witch to give her decision. "It is the finding of this Court that Penny is guilty and will be stripped of her powers forever. As her advocate, her father Wyatt will be stripped of his powers as well.

"So say we all." Every witch and warlock along the bench stood. "Penny, Wyatt," Hagatha said. "It is the sentence of this Court that you be returned to the mortal realm permanently, without your powers. Prepare yourselves."

"Sorry, Penny," her father murmured, putting his arms around her. "I knew we couldn't win this—the Witches Council always gets exactly what it wants."

"It's alright, Daddy," Penny said, comforted by his embrace. "I was mortal a lot longer than I was a witch—I'll get used to being mortal again."

"I guess I will, too," Wyatt agreed. "It just pisses me off that they're doing this to you because they've had it in for me for the past 150 years."

As they watched, the members of the Council raised their arms, beginning to invoke the power all of their magic together, to take away Penny and Wyatt's powers forever.

**=ooo=**

**The End**

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**=ooo=**

**Just kidding!  
****To Be Continued…**

**=ooo=**

**Chapter 11 will be online April 24, 2015, by 11 pm CDT**


	11. The Alls Well That Ends Well Reconfigura

.

**Episode Eleven**

**The "All's Well that Ends Well" Reconfiguration**

_Updated_ 4/24/2015

**=ooo=**

Penny and Wyatt waited, hugging one another, as the members of the Witches' Council prepared to remove their powers and banish them back to the mortal realm, forever—

With a flash of lightning and a rumble of angry thunder, Endora appeared in front of the Council, her eyes blazing with anger.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she demanded furiously. "Who _dared_ to call this session of the Witches' Court without informing me?!"

"Endora!" Hagatha said in surprise. "We—we thought you were busy elsewhere." She lowered her arms, cancelling the spell that would have stripped Penny and Wyatt of their powers.

"I was," Endora snapped. "Luckily, someone informed me that you had convened this meeting of the Council. It's a good thing I found out, too! Why are you trying to take Penny and Wyatt's powers from them?!"

"Penny violated the Code and brought a mortal to the Eternal Realm!" Enchantra told her. "You know we can't let that sort of thing happen without consequences!"

"Oh, rubbish!" Endora declared. She pointed an accusing finger at the Council. "You've done worse in your day, Enchantra! So have you, Hagatha, and you, too, Bertha! In fact, every person on this Council has some dirty little secret they'd like to keep hidden. With the exception of myself," she added, smugly.

The members of the Council looked at one another. Their expressions were embarrassed and guilt-ridden. "But all that's in the past now, Endora," one of the warlocks spoke. "Even _your_ peccadillos, too, and don't pretend you don't have any!"

"Well, I may not be lily-white, either," Endora admitted. "But there's no reason for you to go after Penny because of one tiny mistake she made, a mistake that was quickly rectified."

"We beg to differ, sister," Hagatha said. "Things are different today—our younger witches and warlocks don't care about our laws and traditions like we do. We have to teach them respect!"

"Oh, Hagatha! Don't be such an old stick-in-the-mud!" Endora sneered. "Penny hasn't even been a witch a year yet! Making her a mortal again isn't going to make any difference to the younger generation!" Endora's expression turned calculating. "Or maybe that's the point, perhaps? You don't _like_ the idea that mortals can become witches, do you?"

"That's ridiculous!" Bertha scoffed. "Nobody believes those old stories—"

"_Quiet_, Bertha!" Hagatha snapped, and Bertha shut up, clapping her hand over her mouth.

But it was too late. "Oh, so _that's_ it," Wyatt said, realizing what was going on here now. "You're all afraid of losing your privileged status here, aren't you? You're afraid that we'll make more mortals into witches and warlocks, and that you'll become less and less important over time."

"But that's just the way things are," Penny said. "The old make way for the young to take over."

"Not in the Eternal Realm," Endora said. "The same people have been on the Council for—well, a very long time," she finished. "And things aren't likely to change anytime soon."

"You're a part of the Council too, Endora," Hagatha said. "So it pains us to do this." At a nod she and several other Council members gestured toward Endora, who vanished, reappearing a moment later in the small bannister with Penny and Wyatt.

Endora looked around, then glared at the Council members. "You wouldn't _dare_!"

"We _have_ dared," Hagatha said. "I'm sorry, Endora. You are our sister and we love you, but you must now share the fate of your stepson and his daughter."

**=ooo=**

Raj opened his eyes.

He was staring at the ceiling of Emily's bedroom. She had invited him over for a double feature movie night—each of them picking a movie to watch. Raj had chosen _Bridget Jones's Diary_, hoping she would enjoy the interplay between the main characters, which he had watched with awe the first time he viewed the film. Emily had pronounced the film "cute"—essentially her euphemism for _boring_.

Emily, predictably, had chosen a horror film. This latest offering was titled _Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl_, a Japanese movie that was, to say the least, odd. Raj shuddered as he remembered some of the gorier scenes from the show.

"Are you okay?" Emily put a hand on his arm.

"I'm okay," Raj said, smiling at her. Horror movies turned Emily on, and tonight had been no different than before. They had made love for a long time, a lot longer than Raj could normally remain, well, "prepared." Not that he was complaining, mind you! It was just strange how much better he was with Emily than with any of the other women he had been with before.

"What are you thinking?"

"Oh, _that_ question," Raj said without thinking.

Emily rolled over toward him. "What's wrong with _that_ question?" she asked.

"Nothing," Raj immediately replied, realizing too late how he'd sounded. "I just meant—"

"Don't worry," Emily smiled, rubbing his arm. "I was just teasing you."

"Oh," Raj relaxed. He was constantly worried he would do or say something that would ruin this wonderful relationship he was in. Emily had been wonderful: caring, understanding, and best part was, she was even weirder than he was! "Good," he said. "You know, I really like you. You know that, don't you?"

"I like you, too," Emily agreed. She seemed to think for a long moment. "Maybe it's time I shared something about myself with you."

A thrill of dread went up Raj's spine. "Really?" he asked, warily. "You're not by any chance transgendered, are you?"

Emily laughed. "No, sweetie, nothing like that! But what I'm about to tell you may shock you almost as much."

Raj relaxed. "Oh, I don't think there's anything you could tell me that would shock me anymore."

"I'm a witch."

"Which what?" Raj asked.

"No, Raj." Emily sat up in bed, and Raj joined her. "I'm—a—witch," she said slowly, enunciating each word carefully. "I can do magic."

A look of real horror crossed Raj's face. "Oh no! I knew it! You've been seeing Howard on the side, haven't you?! He's been teaching you magic tricks! By Shiva, I swear I will—!"

"Raj!" Emily stopped him. "You're not getting it. I'm a cauldron stirring, spell casting, broom flying witch. I can perform real magic, not just mortal tricks like Howard does."

Raj stared at her for long seconds. Then he burst out laughing. "I have to admit, you nearly got me," he sputtered between laughs. "I almost fell for it! But as I understand it, you're supposed to do April Fool jokes on April the _first_, not the 9th."

Emily's expression turned annoyed. "It's not a joke, Raj," she said. "Watch." She raised her hands and made a flourish in the air. Her bed lifted off the floor and floated upward until they were only inches from the ceiling.

Raj was looking around wildly as they rose in the air. "Holy crap!" he gasped. "Put us down! Put us down!" The bed floated back to the floor. Raj stared at his girlfriend, his eyes wide with surprise and perhaps a little terror. "Why are you telling me this _now_?"

"I had to make sure we were really friends before I could tell you," she said. "If we weren't, you would have forgotten all about me, and I didn't want that to happen. That's a rule we witches have."

"Witch_es_? There are more of you?" Raj asked.

"Of course there are," Emily said. "We've been around for thousands of years. Well, most of us have," she added, a frown forming on her otherwise pretty features. "Your 'good friend' Penny is a witch."

"_No way_!" Raj gasped.

"_Yes_ way," Emily nodded. "You see, she probably didn't think you were a good enough friend to tell you she was a witch, like I did! And by the way, don't tell her—or anybody!—I told you I'm a witch. That's _our_ little secret."

Raj let himself fall back onto the bed. "I can't believe it. My girlfriend is a witch."

"Well, believe it," Emily said, lying back and snuggling into his side. "Now that you know I'm a witch, I can stop pretending and we can _really_ have some fun."

"How—how do you mean?" Raj asked, not certain where she was going with this.

"You'll see," Emily smiled, holding him close as she went back to sleep.

Raj lay away for some time, trying to understand what had happened tonight. His girlfriend was a witch, and _Penny_, someone he had known for a long time, turned out to be one, too. What this would mean for them and their future, he had no idea, except that he probably wasn't going to get another wink of sleep tonight. At _all_.

**=ooo=**

Leonard was lying on Penny's couch, tired but too agitated to sleep. What was happening with her and Wyatt? He'd tried reaching Endora, telling the ceiling that Penny and Wyatt were being tried by the Witches Council, but she hadn't appeared. The same had gone for Penny's cousin Serena, Uncle Arthur and her grandfather Maurice. Whatever powers he still possessed weren't enough to reach them, he guessed.

He couldn't even talk to Sheldon about it, because (a) Sheldon was with Amy on an extended Date Night sleepover; (b) because Amy still didn't know about Penny's witchcraft, and (c) the only thing Sheldon cared about as far as Penny's witchcraft was concerned was whether he could learn to do it, too.

Compared to _this_, Penny wanting to go to that stupid _Clerks 3_ audition Kevin Smith had invited her to try out for was _nothing_. In fact, what _would_ happen if she returned home without her powers? Leonard pondered. She still had her job as a pharmaceutical rep—that made good money (twice as much as he made, Leonard reminded himself, reluctantly). She hadn't been a witch for most of her life; she could probably readjust to being mortal once more. That wouldn't be too hard for her, he figured.

The only real problem Leonard could see was with his finances. Penny was investing her money, planning for her future. What had _he_ been doing? He was in his mid-30s and he had almost nothing in savings. Meanwhile Sheldon had oodles of cash stuffed in snake jars and the buttocks of superhero statues! Not the best way to save but at least he was doing _something_. Howard and Bernadette were pretty much set financially (again, because of _her_ salary, not his) and Raj's parents were Richie-Rich rich. On top of that, Raj's girlfriend was a witch (even if Raj didn't know it, and managed not to mess up their relationship at some point)! If Emily and Raj stayed together and Raj was okay with it, they could pretty much do whatever they wanted.

Leonard yawned hugely, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He was going to have to do something to make more money, somehow. He'd _like_ to do it with science, if he could. "Yeah, I need to really think about that," he mumbled sleepily, taking off his glasses and putting them on the coffee table. "Tomorrow I'll figure something out…" His eyes closed and his breathing became low and steady. "I just wish I was smart enough…to figure everything out…" He began to snore softly.

**=ooo=**

"I'm sorry you got involved in this, Endora," Wyatt said to his step-mother. "This shouldn't be happening to you, too." He, Penny and Endora watched as the Witches Council stood once again, raising their arms in preparation of removing all three of their powers.

"It won't, if _I _have anything to say about it," Endora declared, then cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted, "MAURICE!"

A blinding flash of lighting lit up the Council member and thunder crashed resoundingly around them. Behind the bench, Hagatha groaned. "Oh no, not _him_."

Wind swirled around all the Council members, whipping their hair and clothes as a figure suddenly materialized before them with a loud flash and puff of smoke, and the Council room shook as if an earthquake were happening right below them.

Maurice looked around the Council chamber, his expression filled with fury. "_What is the meaning of this outrage_?" he demanded. His gaze fixed on Hagatha. "Explain yourselves! What are my granddaughter Penny, my son Wyatt, and-" he hesitated a bare moment as he glanced at Endora "—_she_ doing in this Court?!"

"Maurice—" Hagatha had a look of fear on her face; Maurice's temper was legendary. "You—you are not a member of this Council, you cannot—"

"I will thank you, _madam_, to remember that I was a _founding_ member of this Council!" Maurice raged, shaking his walking stick at her. "And that goes for the rest of you, too!" he added, with a sweeping gesture toward the rest of the bench. "Be thankful I am _not_ now a member—if I were, things would be run quite differently than they are today!"

"Be that as it may," an older warlock named Rolondo spoke up. "Maurice, you cannot deny that there were violations of the Code, and that your granddaughter committed them. We cannot overlook that."

"Oh, really?" Maurice drawled. "I seem to remember _you_ used to bring some of your mortal girlfriends to our Realm, Rolondo." Rolondo blanched as the other members reacted, especially the witches. "Do you remember that one party at Caligula's?" Maurice continued. "You certainly brought down the house _that_ night!"

He pointed to another witch on the Council. "You, Hepzibah—I remember you had your own little getaway, a pocket villa, where you entertained many a young mortal." The old witch gasped as her cheeks burned red.

"All right, Maurice," Endora called out from where she stood with Penny and Wyatt. "You've made your point. Now get us out of here."

"Hold!" Hagatha commanded. Maurice stopped in mid-rant, glaring at her. "Maurice, you're a powerful wizard and individually, none of us can match you, but you are dealing with a majority of the Witches Council now. "If you don't cease interfering _this second_ we will remove your powers as well and banish you to Earth with Endora, your son and your granddaughter!"

Maurice's face was flushed with anger, but against the combined strength of the Council members he knew he couldn't prevail. "Very well. It appears that I am outmatched." He lifted a hand imploringly upward, "Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt— thaw and resolve itself into a—"

"Give it a rest, Maurice," Hagatha snapped.

Maurice shot her a baleful look. "You leave me no choice, then. I must appeal this ruling to a higher court."

"There is no higher court than the Witches Council!" Hagatha objected.

"Oh, no?" Maurice countered. "I call upon—the _Queen of Witches_!"

**=ooo=**

"That was so weird," Howard said. "I have a half-brother."

"I thought he was nice," Bernadette said. "He even said he liked your magic trick."

Howard and Bernadette were tucked in bed for the night in their new home, Howard's mother's former house. There was still the task of getting their things moved from Bernadette's apartment into the house, and figuring out what they were going to do with the things that were still there. Including Stuart, who despite having his own apartment now continued to stay in their home. Bernadette wasn't sure how she was going to deal with _that_, given that she'd always supported taking care of him while the comic book store was being rebuilt. But they would work that out as well. Somehow.

"It was a pretty good trick," Howard agreed. "Those thin mints are bigger than a half-dollar!"

"If you say so," Bernadette smiled, sounding unconvinced. "Anyway, with Stuart back in his own apartment, I thought we could go over to the apartment this weekend and start packing things up."

"We could," Howard agreed. He didn't sound very enthusiastic. "I _was_ thinking of playing some _Assassin's Creed_ this weekend…"

"Howie," Bernadette sighed. "We have to be moved out of the apartment by the end of the month. I can't do it alone."

"All right," Howard conceded. A moment later he said, "You could get Amy and Penny to help you…"

"Howard!" Bernadette shook her head. "Yeah, I _wish_ I could get Penny's help with this—it would make things a _lot_ easier."

"What does _that_ mean?" Howard asked, confused.

"Oh, nothing," Bernadette muttered, realizing she'd said more than she meant to. She reached over to turn off her light. "Good night."

"Good night," Howard said, turning off his light.

Moments later his light came on again. "Well, it must mean _something_," he said to her. "Why else would you say it?"

Bernadette sat up and turned her own light back on. "It's just that—well, you know all those magic tricks you can do?"

"Yeah? So what?" Howard wondered where this was going.

"Well, Penny can do some magic tricks, too," Bernadette said, tartly. "Some pretty good tricks."

"Really?" Howard grinned, surprised. "I wonder why she never mentioned it to me? I'd like to see some of her tricks."

"I bet you would," Bernadette growled. "Penny is a witch."

Howard stared at her for several seconds, processing that. "You're kidding."

"No, I'm not," Bernadette insisted. "She can do real magic. A few months ago she took me to the place where witches and warlocks live. When she brought Leonard there he came back able to do some magic, too. When I came back all that happened was I got taller whenever I got angry."

"You know, I _thought_ you looked taller," Howard said. "But I thought it was just your heels."

"Well at one point I was almost seven feet tall," Bernadette told him. "They had a witch doctor who brought me a potion that made me normal again, but I ended up a couple of inches taller." She glared at him. "And you mean to tell me you _never noticed that_?"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute," Howard held up his hands. "Potions? _Witch_ doctors? Are you telling me Penny can do magic—_real_ magic, not illusions like I do? And that Leonard can do real, actual, magic, _too_?"

"That's what I'm telling you," Bernadette said, bluntly. "She can make stuff appear out of nothing, anything at all. I guess she could even move all our stuff from the apartment to this house with one snap of her fingers."

"How long have you known about this?" Howard demanded.

"Since January," she replied.

"And you never thought to tell me?!" Howard sputtered.

"I promised Penny I wouldn't tell anyone—"

"But we're married!" Howard shouted. "Why wouldn't you tell _me_?"

"I'm sorry!" Bernadette said, hugging him. "I wasn't sure how you'd take it, Howie."

"Are you kidding?" Howard said, a wide grin coming across his face. "This is fantastic! Just think of the things Penny can do for us! Why, we can redecorate every room in the house now! For nothing! Won't that be wonderful?"

"I don't think we should impose on our friendship that way," Bernadette said doubtfully. _This_ was why she hadn't wanted to tell Howard about Penny. Howard was bound to overreact with something like this.

"Why not?" Howard disagreed. "What does she have to do, just wave a magic wand or say a magic word? How hard could it be to do this one little thing for us?"

Bernadette stared at her husband a long moment. Yes, it was definitely a bad idea telling Howard about Penny! But now that the cat was out of the bag…

"I'll talk to her," Bernadette promised. "Just let me handle it, okay?"

"Okay," Howard agreed, smiling, anticipating all the things they could have just for the asking.

"And don't say anything to Penny," Bernadette warned. "Or Leonard, for that matter. And don't tell Amy or Raj—they don't know about Penny, either."

"They don't, eh?" Howard mused. "Hmm, good, good…" With that, he turned off his light and rolled over on his side.

With a troubled sigh, Bernadette turned off her own light and lay down to sleep, trying to figure out a way she could fix this.

**=ooo=**

A loud fanfare rang throughout the Council chambers as a regal blonde woman appeared between the Council's bench and the group of Penny, Wyatt, and Endora, next to Maurice. "Hello, Daddy," she smiled, pecking him on the cheek.

"Hello, my dear," Maurice said, beaming at her. "I'm glad you could come." He lowered his voice. "Your _aunts_ have been causing trouble again."

"Oh, well, what else is new?" Samantha shrugged. She went over to where the defendants were standing. "Hello, Mother," she greeted Endora, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Hello, Samantha dear," Endora said as she accepted the kiss. She gestured to Penny and Wyatt. "I don't think you've met Wyatt before. He's your—" she shot Maurice a look "—half-brother."

"Yes," Samantha said, giving her father a vaguely chiding look as well. She extended her hand to Wyatt. "Pleased to meet you, Wyatt," she said, formally.

"Hi, Sis," Wyatt grinned, then glanced at Endora as she nudged him in the side. "Sorry," he said, taking her hand and lightly kissing it. "It's an honor to meet you, Your Highness," he said, a little uncomfortably. He straightened and gestured to Penny. "I'd like to introduce Penny, my daughter."

"Pleased to meet you," Samantha said, with an engaging smile.

"Pleased to meet you," Penny managed a small curtsey as she spoke.

Samantha leaned closer to her. "I'd like a chance to talk to you later, see how things have been going with you for the past year, with you learning witchcraft and everything."

"Sure," Penny said, surprised. "Any time."

"Good," Samantha beamed. She turned to face the Council. "Now, what seems to be the problem here? Aunt Hagatha, Aunt Enchantra?"

"Your Majesty," Hagatha said stiffly. "The Council learned recently that Penny, the defendant, brought a mortal to the Eternal Realm, a violation of the Witches' Code."

"I see," Samantha said absently, seeming to ponder what her aunt had said.

"You do realize, Your Majesty," Enchantra reminded her. "Every witch and warlock, even the Queen of Witches herself, must follow the Witches' Code, and if found guilty must be punished."

"Perhaps," Samantha nodded. "But the punishment doesn't have to be quite as harsh as being stripped of all witchcraft. It seems like you're doing that more from spite than anything else, aunties."

Hagatha looked chagrined at being reminded the Queen of Witches was her niece. "Nevertheless, Your Majesty," she reminded her, keeping her tone formal. "That is the decision of the entire Council."

"Not the _entire_ Council," Endora reminded them. "Two members are missing—and I'm one of them!"

"The Council thought your relationship as the defendant's grandmother—"

"Step-grandmother," Endora added. Penny couldn't quite stop an "oh-really-you-had-to-remind-everyone-of-_that_" eye roll.

"Step-grandmother," Hagatha corrected herself, "that you might not be able to render an impartial decision."

"And you think _you_ have," Endora scoffed. "Don't make me laugh! Half of you are Penny's great-aunts—the other half are cousins. The interrelationships in this Council would make Napoleon Bonaparte turn over in his grave."

Penny looked at Wyatt. "I don't get it," she whispered.

"Don't worry about it," Wyatt told her. "Your grandma's on a roll."

"Be that as it may," Hagatha retorted huffily. "The Council has a quorum—our decision is valid and cannot be overturned, even by the Queen herself, not without a valid justification to do so."

Endora looked at Samantha. "Is that true?" she asked, bleakly.  
"I'm afraid so, Mother," Samantha said, looking unhappy.

"There must be _something_ you can do!" Maurice protested.

"Well, Daddy, I did think of something before I came here," Samantha told him.

"What is it?" Endora, Penny and Wyatt said.

"What is it?" Maurice chimed in as well.

"What is it?" the Council chorused.

"There is a provision in the Witches' Code," Samantha said. "That the prohibition from bringing mortals to the Eternal Realm is waived for anyone having witch's blood in their veins," she explained. "I sent someone to check up on the person Penny brought to the Eternal Realm, to see if there were any of her ancestors who were witches."

"Huh," Penny said to her dad. "Not something you can look up on Ancestry dot com, I'd bet."

"Probably not," Wyatt agreed, grinning.

"Well," Hagatha said impatiently. "Where is this so-called information?"

"It's here." Another witch appeared between Samantha and Maurice, a brunette witch Penny recognized as her cousin, Serena. Standing next to Samantha, Penny saw that the two of them resembled each other closely.

Serena was holding a large leather-bound book with the words Ye Olde Family Recordes engraved into the leather. "Hi cuz," she waved at Penny and Wyatt. "I've got it right here," she said to Samantha, pointing to a page of the book.

"Very good, Serena, thank you," Samantha said. With a wave of her hand she floated the book over to land in front of Hagatha. "If you'll look at those records," Samantha said. "You'll find that a male child was born in the late 1700's to a witch and warlock living in Poland. The child was unable to perform witchcraft and the Council at the time—which most of you were on, by the way—required them to give the child to a mortal family. She was adopted by a family named the Rostenkowskis. That child grew up to have children of his own. Eventually, that child's descendant, Mike Rostenkowski, married and had a baby girl, naming her Bernadette. And the rest," Samantha concluded with a smile, "is history. Or in this case, genealogy."

Hagatha looked vastly disappointed. But there was no choice— "Due to the new information brought to light, the charges against Penny are hereby dropped." She banged the gavel. "Congratulations," she said to Penny. "_This_ time," she added, warningly. "Court is adjourned!" The Council members all vanished.

"So that's it?" Penny said, looking around in surprise. "It's over? I won?!"

"Yes you did!" Samantha agreed. "Congratulations!" The barrier surrounding her, her father and Endora vanished, and Samantha hugged Penny.

"However," Samantha said to Penny, as they finished hugging, "that was a very close call. If it had turned out that Bernadette's family hadn't descended from witches, I couldn't have done anything to help you."

"I'm really grateful you did," Penny said sincerely. "It's been very interesting, learning witchcraft and learning all about its history and my heritage as a witch."

"We're very pleased with our granddaughter, Samantha," Maurice said proudly. "Even," he added with a significant look at Penny, "if she is engaged to marry a _mortal_."

"Well," Endora said with heavy sigh, "we've dealt with it before. I suppose we can deal with it again."

"I've met her fiancé," Wyatt told them. "He's a good guy. He's smart—in the mortal world he's an important scientist. Heck," he shrugged. "Who knows—one day you might even invite him to come here and learn how to be a warlock."

"I wouldn't go _that_ far," Maurice said, sternly. When Penny put on a pouty expression, however, her grandfather softened. "But who knows what the future may bring? We'll see, my dear. We'll see."

"You know he can already do a little wishcraft," Penny reminded them. "We've been waiting to see if it develops into anything more."

"Maybe you should have Dr. Bombay look at him," Samantha suggested.

"I've tried," Penny complained. "He just wants to wait and see."

"Hmm," Samantha shook her head. "Men."

"Tell me about it," Penny agreed.

"Right," Wyatt broke in. "Well, we should probably head back to your apartment," he said to Penny. "Leonard is probably worried sick about what's been happening to us."

"You're right," Penny nodded. She turned to Samantha. "It's been an honor to meet you, Your Majesty." She did another little curtsey.

"Likewise," Samantha smiled. "And call me Samantha from now on. After all, we're family."

"Ugh," Endora groaned under her breath.

"Perhaps we can meet for tea sometime," Samantha suggested.

"I'd like that," Penny smiled happily.

"Good," Samantha said. "Well, you two have a pleasant trip home." She gestured toward Penny and Wyatt and they disappeared.

"_That_ was a close call," Endora said, after they were gone. "I didn't realize the Witches Council was so prejudiced against Penny and Wyatt."

"Things haven't changed much in 50 years," Samantha agreed, sadly. "Poor Darrin had to put up with a lot while we were together." She looked at her mother and father. "And _you two_ were responsible for quite a bit of that," she added in an accusing tone.

"After all, my dear, you can't really blame us," Maurice countered defensively. "We'd seen quite a few relationships between witches and mortals come to a bad end—we wanted to protect you from that."

"Yes," Endora agreed. "It wasn't that we thought Durwood was a bad fellow, but things just usually didn't work out between our kinds."

"Well, you were wrong then," Samantha said, smugly. "Mostly," she added as Maurice and Endora both gave her skeptical looks. "Things between Darrin and I were just fine for many years. In the end, though, the only thing that kept him from becoming a warlock and joining us in the Eternal Realm was prejudice, pure and simple." She shook her head sadly. "I just wish he'd learned to accept witchcraft before he died."

**=ooo=**

When Penny and Wyatt rematerialized in Penny's apartment they found Leonard sleeping fitfully on her couch. "Leonard, sweetie," Penny said softly, not to startle him. "We're back."

"Sheldon, no!" Leonard cried out. His eyes snapped open as came awake with a start.

"Are you okay," Penny asked, concerned. "It sounded like you were having a nightmare."

"I was," Leonard nodded. He sat up on the couch, rubbing his face to wake himself up. "I dreamed Sheldon was a warlock."

"Oh, dear," Penny said, though she couldn't keep from smiling. "That must've been awful."

"He'd just won the Nobel Prize," Leonard remembered.

"Which one?" Wyatt asked.

"_All_ of them," Leonard said. "Why go in for half-measures, he said. He was in the middle of his acceptance speech when Endora showed up to make him give them back. Sheldon refused."

"Oooh," Wyatt winced. "That couldn't have gone over good, especially not with Endora!"

"It didn't," Leonard agreed. "She told him she was going to turn him into a sofa cushion and put him in his spot on the couch. Sheldon dared her to do her worst, and I was trying to stop him." Leonard looked up at Penny and her father. "That's when I woke up."

"Well, it was all just a bad dream, sweetie," Penny said, sitting down on the couch next to him and hugging him.

"The reality isn't much better," Leonard said as she sat back.

"What do you mean?" Penny asked warily.

"Sheldon was over here earlier," Leonard explained. "I told him you'd been taken to the Witches Council, that they might take your witchcraft away. Sheldon wanted to know if _he_ could have your powers!"

"Now you see why we have to keep our powers a secret," Wyatt explained. "People think it would be wonderful to have these powers, but it's almost more of a curse than a blessing."

"No, Daddy," Penny disagreed. "We can do a lot of good with our powers, if we're careful with them. It's just that some people think about themselves first. Bernadette was jealous of my witchcraft, and when I told Amy I was a witch, she promptly forgot all about me! She always said I was her bestie but I don't think she really likes anyone except Sheldon. But Leonard has been nothing but supportive of my powers, and even though he has some of his own he hasn't tried to use them for material gain."

"Right," Leonard agreed. "Well," he amended a moment later. "Not _too_ much for material gain."  
"Anyway," Wyatt said. "I think we should still keep our powers a secret from all mortals, as much as possible, except those we think can handle them, like Leonard here." He clapped a hand on Leonard's shoulder.

Penny thought about that for several seconds. "You may be right about that," she finally agreed. "What do you think, Leonard?" she asked.

"Me?" Leonard looked almost surprised to be asked.

"Well, _yeah_—I mean, you still have some wishcraft, don't you?"

"Maybe," Leonard said, uncertainly. "So far nothing I've wished for in the past couple of months has come true, though. I'm beginning to think it's gone."

"Maybe that's just as well, son," Wyatt told him. "The Witches Council wouldn't like it one bit if they found you had developed powers from visiting the Eternal Realm. They're afraid mortals are going to gain witchcraft and take over their precious realm."

"Samantha wasn't afraid," Penny pointed out. "She even invited me to tea some time," she added, happily.

"Who's Samantha?" Leonard asked.

"Just the Queen of Witches," Penny said smugly. "And, she's my aunt, too!" she added, brightly.

"The Q-Queen of Witches?" Leonard looked surprised and not a little awed by that revelation. "And she invited you to _tea_?"

"Pretty cool, huh?" Penny beamed.

"Well, yeah," Leonard admitted. "In comparison, Sheldon sending me out of Fort Cozy McBlanket to fetch him some orange soda doesn't stack up at _all_."

Penny laughed. "Well, I'll get _you_ something to drink—how about a cup of Swiss Miss chocolate before we turn in for the night?"

"Sounds good to me," Leonard agreed. He glanced at Wyatt. "That is, if it's okay with you, sir."

"Why not?" Wyatt said. "And _I'm _serving." He snapped his fingers and three cups appeared in their hands. "What do you think of _that_?" he asked Penny, smiling proudly.

"Pretty good, Dad," Penny said. She held up her cup to show him it was empty. "Except there's no hot chocolate in them."

Wyatt sighed gustily. "Dammit, I _still_ can't get the hang of liquids," he complained.

**=ooo=**

**A/N: The next episode (#12) will be titled, "The Brainiac Conclusion." It's not the **_**final**_** chapter but there aren't many more left in this story. **

**I saw on the Big Bang Theory Wiki at Wikia dot com that Sheldon and Leonard's moms will be together for the next to last episode of season 8. I'm looking forward to seeing how they interact in that episode. According to the story summary they get into a fight. **

**The last episode of season 8 will be on May 7, 2015. It looks like something big is in the works for Sheldon and Amy for this episode. **

**The next episode of The Witch-Bang Theory will probably be out by May 15. That will give me time to reconcile any major changes in the canon story with my storyline. I've made the assumption that canon episodes and Witch-Bang episodes are occurring interspersed with one another. I've tried to take into account what's happening in canon with the elements of this story.**


	12. The Brainiac Infusion

.

**Episode Twelve**

**The Brainiac Infusion**

_Updated_ 5/15/2015

**=ooo=**

_Penny and Leonard on the road to Las Vegas—_

"So, where do you think we should get married?" Leonard asked, watching Penny apprehensively from the corner of his eye.

"I don't know," Penny said, in a flat tone. She looked at him. "Maybe you have something you've been meaning to tell me about _that_."

"No," Leonard muttered. Telling her about the kissing incident from the North Sea expedition had _not_ been a good idea. He should have known better. But he was trying to be _honest_ here…

"Look," Leonard said. "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn't have put my guilt ahead of our happiness together."

"You _shouldn't_ have been kissing some woman in the first place," Penny retorted.

"That too," Leonard quickly agreed. "But it's in the past, it'll _never_ happen again, and this is the beginning of a very long and happy marriage. That's what we should focus on, right?"

Penny was silent for a while. Then, "Right." She looked at him and finally, she smiled. "I _do_ love you, Leonard," she said. "It's taken me a long time to really figure that out. But I do."

"Good," Leonard smiled. "Remember those last two words when we find a chapel."

Penny looked around as they drove into Las Vegas. "I see several chapels around here. Let's just pick one."

"Okay," Leonard agreed. He took a deep breath. "This is finally going to happen!" he said excitedly.

"I know!" Penny gleefully agreed. "Look! How about that one, it's a nice-looking place!"

They pulled into the parking lot Penny had pointed at. The lot was over half-filled with cars—apparently a lot of people were getting married tonight—and went inside.

The waiting room was filled with people waiting their turn. Leonard and Penny looked around for someplace to sit, but there were no empty seats next to each other. They went up to the desk and registered, then found a chair at the end of a row near the door where Penny could sit, with Leonard standing beside her.

Penny looked up at him, smiling happily now that they were ready to commit. "No regrets," she said, reminding him of their new beginning tonight.

"No regrets," Leonard nodded. "Nothing could make me change my mind now."

"Hey, guys!" an agonizingly familiar voice rang out. "Long time no see!"

Leonard and Penny both turned, openmouthed, to see Zack Johnson and a young woman walking arm-in-arm toward them. "What are you two doing here?" Zack asked, stopping in front of them. It was clear both he and the girl with him had had too much to drink—both of them were swaying slightly.

"Um," Leonard answered, "Well—what—what are _you_ doing here, Zack?"

"Oh, me and Mindy were in Vegas for the week and we decided it would be a hoot to have a fake wedding. Oh, hey," he said, remembering his manners. "This is Mindy, by the way. I met her at the Cheesecake Factory a month ago."

"Hi!" Mindy said brightly. "I remember you!" she said to Penny. "I took your place when you quit work."

"Apparently she took your place in more ways than one," Leonard murmured.

"Shut up," Penny muttered back.

"Are you guys getting a fake wedding, too?" Mindy asked. "Boy, it was a riot!"

Penny and Leonard looked at each other. "Zack," Penny said. "We told you these weddings are _real_. Don't you remember from when _you and I_ got married?"

"You two are _married_?" Mindy gasped. She whirled on Zack. "You told me your ex was married to someone else!"

"Did I?" Zack wondered. "I thought I said they were engaged."

"Zack," Leonard tried again. "Mindy, listen to us. This is a real wedding chapel. It _does not_ perform fake ceremonies. You two are really married now."

Mindy looked at Zack. "I thought you _said_, if Elvis wasn't real, neither was the wedding!"

Zack looked chagrined. "I thought _you_ said that."

"That doesn't make any difference!" Leonard said loudly. "You may want to think about this a bit more when you sober up."

Zack looked at Mindy and smiled. "I dunno, I think Mindy here is a real catch. She's really smart, and she's got big plans for the future."

Mindy smiled at the praise. "I'm an actress," she said, smiling at Penny. "I'm going to be a big movie star six months from now."

"Working at the Cheesecake Factory _and_ going to be a movie star," Penny reiterated. "Sounds like a plan," she added, sarcastically.

"I know!" Mindy agreed, missing the sarcasm. "I'm so excited!"

"Well," Zack said, giving Mindy a side-hug. "We better get going—we don't want to miss the midnight buffet at our hotel. It's free with the room!"

"Okay," Leonard said, stepping aside to let them out the door. He and Penny both stared after them as they left. "So," he said, looking back at Penny. "Any regrets now?"

Penny stood. "Let's go home, Leonard," she said, then walked out the door and back to their car, Leonard following her.

**=ooo=**

_The following evening, Friday night—_

The Friday before Mother's Day found most of the group gathered in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment having Chinese food from Golden Dragon, as was usual.

Sheldon occupied his spot on the couch, eating Kung Pao chicken and chow mein. Bernadette and Howard were seated next to him, both having _huí guō ròu_, or twice-cooked pork. Penny was sitting in Leonard's usual chair trying something new: _mapo tofu_, tofu with a spicy sauce and slices of beef mixed in. Raj was sitting in the chair facing Sheldon having Chicken McNuggets, as he'd decided Sichuan-style Chinese didn't agree with him. As usual, Emily had decided not to come with him tonight since Penny was there, and he was seeing her later for a date. Amy, strangely, wasn't present but Sheldon hadn't mentioned yet why she wasn't there.

Leonard was sitting at the table he and Penny had purchased a year ago, typing furiously on his laptop as he picked at the chicken he was eating. Penny finally looked over at him. Ever since they got back from Vegas the night before he'd been working on his computer. In fact, he'd spent a lot of his spare time over the past few weeks working on stuff, telling Penny he'd had some ideas and were getting them down on paper so he could mull them over and see what came of them. "Leonard," Penny called to him. "Are you sure you don't want to join us for dinner?"

"I'm fine," Leonard said distractedly, still typing. Penny sighed and went back to her tofu.

Howard picked up on the sigh as well as Leonard's desire to work rather than socialize. "Trouble in paradise for the two lovebirds?"

"They tried to get married last night," Sheldon said, not looking up from his Kung Pao chicken.

"_What_?!" Howard, Bernadette and Raj all exclaimed. "What happened?!" They all turned to Penny.

Penny looked a little taken aback by the sudden attention. "We decided to wait a while longer. No big deal," she added, waving her fork dismissively.

"You were just going to _elope_?" Bernadette asked, dumbfounded. "Without telling any of us?!"

"We did _think_ about it," Penny replied, defensively. "But we realized it would be a big deal for everyone and we just wanted to get it over with."

Leonard turned and looked at her. "Right. _That's_ how we ought to remember it," he muttered. "We wanted to—" he made air quotes "'get it over with,' unquote."

"You know what I mean," Penny snapped. "We thought we were ready."

"Clearly, you weren't," Sheldon muttered, eyes still on his food. He still wouldn't look at anyone.

"What changed your minds?" Raj asked Penny.

Penny looked like she didn't want to say, but answered. "We saw Zack at the chapel in Vegas."

Howard and Bernadette looked at each other. "You mean your _ex-husband_, Zack Johnson?" Bernadette said. "Oooooo—" they both began.

"Yeah, _that_ Zack Johnson," Penny snapped cutting them off. "He and some bimbo from the Cheesecake Factory just got married."

"Weren't you working at the Cheesecake Factory when _you two_ got married?" Howard inquired, knowing she had been. "Oooooo!" they both squealed again.

"At least _they_ got married," Sheldon said, as if speaking to himself. "At least she didn't tell him things were too difficult for her to deal with and she had to take some time away from him before she could decide what to do."

Everyone was looking quizzically at Sheldon—even Leonard, who had paused in his typing. "Is there something you want to tell us about Amy, buddy?" he asked.

Sheldon looked up. His face had that _I'm-about-to-blow-up-the-planet_ look on it. "Amy wants some time away from me, to think about our relationship. I don't know when I'll see her again, or _if_ I'll see her again."

"Oh, no," Bernadette gasped.

"Sorry to hear that, Sheldon," Raj said.

"I'm sorry, buddy." Leonard got up and walked over to where Sheldon was sitting, putting his hand on Sheldon's shoulder for support.

"I'm sorry, too, Sheldon," Howard said, really, _really_ trying to mean it.

Penny put down her food then leaned over and hugged Sheldon. "I'm so sorry, sweetie," she said to him. She looked him in the eye. "Amy loves you. I'm sure she'll be back."

"I hope so," Sheldon said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a jewelry box. "I still don't know what I'm going to do with this." He opened the box, revealing an exquisite engagement ring. Everyone stared, openmouthed, at it and Sheldon.

**=ooo=**

"Did you know about that ring?" Penny asked Leonard later, in her apartment.

"Not a clue," Leonard shook his head, still typing. "But it's no wonder now Sheldon was pressuring us about getting married, if he was thinking about asking Amy."

After Sheldon's ring revelation, everyone had broken off into focus groups to discuss the events of the day, as Penny had tried to joke earlier. Actually, Bernadette and Howard said they were going to look at some new furniture for Stuart, and Raj told them that he and Emily were going to try and see the new _Avengers_ movie later that night. Either that, he said, or find a funeral home where they could have sex.

Leonard and Penny had retreated to the relative safety of her apartment, though Leonard had brought his laptop with him again. Leonard kept his computer with him almost constantly for the past few weeks, typing on it at odd moments when he and Penny weren't otherwise engaged. He was typing on it now, though Penny wanted to talk about the failed Shamy engagement.

Briefly she considering making the damn thing vanish, if only to get Leonard's attention. But she resisted the impulse and instead went with curiosity. Leonard always responded to that.

"What are you working on?" she asked.

Leonard looked around at her, beaming at the question. "I'm working on the algebraic topology of non-singular complex algebraics and sub-varieties of them. I'm trying to show that if X is a non-singular complex projective manifold, then every Hodge class on X is a linear combination with rational coefficients of the cohomology classes of complex subvarieties of X."

"Yeah," Penny nodded knowingly. "That's what I thought you were doing. Do you want to stop for a while so we can discuss some other stuff?"

Leonard looked a little surprised, then shut his laptop. "Sorry," he apologized. "I thought we were going to give the wedding thing a rest."

"Not _our_ wedding," Penny snapped. "Sheldon and Amy's!"

"Oh, yeah." Leonard looked like he was just now considering it. "Well, there may not be one now—"

"I know that, Brainiac!" Penny exploded. "_That's_ the problem! Amy and Sheldon have been together for five years! She told me and Bernadette that within five years of their first date she planned on her and Sheldon being married! You know that's a long time to go without making some kind of commitment!"

"It took us seven years to make a commitment," Leonard pointed out.

Penny frowned. "But we weren't together the first two," she countered. "So we're right on schedule."

Leonard put on a wry smile. "So you had a five-year plan, too?" he asked.

"_No_, but it sounded reasonable just now!" Penny waved her hands, trying to dismiss her previous statements.

At that moment more trouble arrived. _Knock-knock-knock_. "Leonard and Penny," Sheldon's voice came from the other side of the door. He didn't sound very good. Penny sighed and walked to the door as Sheldon knocked and asked for them two more times. She opened the door and looked at Sheldon standing there, a hangdog expression on his face. "Hi sweetie," she said sympathetically. "How are you doing?"

"I could be better," Sheldon replied. "But that's not what I've come over for. I'd like to talk to Leonard."

"What is it, Sheldon?" Leonard asked, putting his laptop on the coffee table and standing.

Sheldon stepped into the apartment. "I was online just now and I saw that you had submitted several papers for publication in _Physical Review D_, including a paper on the search for gamma-ray emissions from extragalactic dark matter annihilations using the Fermi Large Area Telescope."

"I did," Leonard nodded.

"I read the articles," Sheldon continued. "They were well written and provided a good qualitative methodology for performing similar experiments, and I have a question."

"Shoot."

"What are you trying to pull here?!" Sheldon demanded, hands on his hips.

"What do you mean?" Leonard asked, surprised by Sheldon's remark. "I had an idea and I submitted it for review."

"The level of math in that article was clearly beyond you," Sheldon declared. "You've been collaborating with someone else, haven't you?!"

Leonard just stared at him, openmouthed.

"So who have you been cheating on me with?" Sheldon demanded. "Was it Saul Perlmutter? Or Barry Kripke? I'll bet it was Kripke! After he got his claws into Amy you were only a matter of time!"

"Sheldon! Nobody's been helping me with those papers!" Leonard said firmly. "I'm doing it all on my own."

"He's doing it right now," Penny added. "He's been working on another paper all night."

"Really?" Sheldon looked at Leonard, folding his arms across his chest. "What's this one about?"

"I'll show you," Leonard said, retrieving his laptop. "It's almost done." He brought up the document and handed his computer to Sheldon. "Here."

"Wait a minute," Sheldon was eyeing Leonard's work suspiciously. "It looks here like someone's trying to prove Hodge's conjecture."

"What's that?" Penny asked. "It sounds like a disease."

"Hodge's conjecture," Sheldon explained, "is a major unsolved problem in algebraic geometry that relates the algebraic topology of a non-singular complex algebraic variety and the sub-varieties of that variety. It was formulated by the Scottish mathematician William Hodge as a result of a work in between 1930 and 1940 to enrich the description of de Rham cohomology to include extra structure that is present in the case of complex algebraic varieties."

"More jibber jabber," Penny complained.

Sheldon looked at Leonard, annoyed. "More importantly, the Hodge conjecture is one of the Millennium Prize Problems, offering one million dollars to whomever can prove or disprove the conjecture."

"A million dollars?!" Penny gasped. "Wow, that's a lot of money just to solve a math problem!"

"More importantly," Sheldon went on, eyeing Leonard with evident displeasure. "Proving the conjecture would be of major significance to further string theory research. Leonard, why are you working on proving a conjecture for a field of inquiry I've long since abandoned in favor of dark matter study? And most importantly of all, what makes _you_, of all people, think you have the requisite mathematics knowledge to solve that problem?"

"What difference does that make?" Leonard asked, stiffly. He looked annoyed that Sheldon had, _once again_, disparaged his ability to do higher math. "It's true I needed your help on the paper we worked on together a few months ago, but I've been doing some additional studying lately and I think I can handle this."

"Leonard," Penny asked, suddenly realizing something. "This isn't about the money, is it?"

"No," Leonard said immediately. "Well, yes, it's about the _money_," he admitted, walking back over to sit down on the couch. "I mean, a million dollars isn't anything to sneeze at—"

"Although money can contaminated with all sorts of dirt and allergens," Sheldon noted. "A dollar bill has an average of—"

"Not what I meant, Sheldon," Leonard snapped, cutting him off. He looked at Penny. "It's just—I realize I haven't done a very good job of providing for my—for _our_ future, and if I can solve this problem that money will go a long way toward providing for us in our old age."

Penny didn't want to get into the old age thing again—it was too gross to think about. Instead, she went with "That's very mature of you, Leonard. It's just like I realized when I went to that audition for _Clerks 3_ and realized I'm not really into the acting scene anymore." She sat down next to him and took his hand. "Even though I kind of owned your ass about going to the audition in the first place."

"Yeah." Leonard took her remark well, squeezing her hand playfully. "Thanks for reminding me of that." He looked at Sheldon. "Do you think you can at least be happy I'm trying to stretch myself a bit, Sheldon?"

"I can try," Sheldon said, shrugging. "But it seems unlikely, given present circumstances," he added in a mournful tone.

"Oh, I know, sweetie," Penny said sadly. "I'm so sorry!" She suddenly reached out and hugged Sheldon.

"Oh, okay," Sheldon said, accepting the hug even though he wanted to pull away from the embrace. It reminded him too much of Amy. Penny let go of him. "I'm going to go now," he said to them. "I have some thinking to do."

"See you, Sheldon," Leonard said, as his friend wandered back to their apartment. Penny shut her door, looking very unhappy for Sheldon.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" she asked Leonard.

"I hope so," Leonard said. He smiled. "Who knows, a blue fairy may show up and turn him into a _real boy_."

"Hmm," Penny murmured, both amused and saddened by Leonard's remark. "I hope so. After all this time, I think he deserves it."

**=ooo=**

_Later that evening, in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment— _

Sheldon walked into the darkened kitchen and opened the refrigerator, getting himself a bottle of water. He was having trouble getting to sleep and thought some cool water, followed up with a refreshing urination, would calm his mind a bit. It didn't seem likely, however—no amount of urination was going to salve his hurt over losing Amy, who had taken a "break" from him because of her inability to comprehend that he was right about taking their relationship _very_ slowly.

He opened the bottle and took a sip (very slowly, in keeping with his new paradigm). His laptop sitting on his desk caught his eye. He was still thinking about the papers Leonard was writing _without_ his help. Another person who just didn't realize how important Sheldon was in their daily life. It was sad both Amy and Leonard just didn't realize that about themselves.

Sheldon put down the bottle of water and walked (very slowly) over to his desk. He typed in Leonard's name into a search engine for scholarly articles. A number of entries rolled across the screen, and he leaned down, reading them.

"Hmm," he muttered. "Those aren't about Hodge's conjecture." He selected one of the articles and read the title: _A Directed Proof of the Riemann Hypothesis Using Hofstadter's Function_.

What? This was even more puzzling to Sheldon! Was Leonard trying to write a paper on yet _another_ Millennium Prize problem? Sheldon brought up other articles from the search—there were articles from Leonard on several other unsolved Millennium problems: the Yang–Mills existence and mass gap, Navier–Stokes existence and smoothness, and the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture. "Oh, Leonard," Sheldon murmured sadly, "you have no idea how little chance you have of solving even one of these problems… You obviously need my help," Sheldon muttered. He sat down, calling up one of the articles so he could begin poking holes in the math.

But there were no holes. Sheldon switched to another article. Then another. And another. In each case, Leonard's analyses were perfect. It was baffling. If no one was helping him, as he insisted, how could Leonard's math have improved so much, so quickly—

The answer came in a blinding flash of the obvious. Sheldon sat back unhappily. "He's gotten Penny to cast a spell on him, to make him smarter!" he realized. "Those are _my_ Nobel Prizes Leonard is stealing from me! Oh, no, this is intolerable!"

Sheldon stood, staring toward the door where, across the hall, Leonard and Penny were probably laughing at him that very moment! "Well," he vowed to himself. "We'll just _see_ who has the last laugh!" He began typing furiously on his computer.

**=ooo=**

_Saturday morning in Penny's apartment— _

"Are you _sure_ this isn't about the money?" Penny asked as she climbed back into bed beside Leonard with toasted bagels for both of them. Leonard was reading a book he'd brought from his apartment, with the rather unfathomable title, _Cubical Homotopy Theory_.

Leonard put the book down and took one of the bagels from her. "It's about taking charge of my life," he said. "I've spent too much time on things like comic books and video games and role-playing and Cosplay. The paper Sheldon and I co-wrote made me realize I could make significant contributions to science."

"Yeah, I get it," Penny nodded. "I want to use my witchcraft to make contributions to society, helping other people."

"Have you been thinking about that long?" Leonard asked, interested.

"Ever since Dad and I got back from the Eternal Realm, I've been really serious about it," Penny said. "Did you know that exposing a mortal to the Eternal Realm can make them into a witch or warlock?"

"Yes," Leonard said dryly. "That's what almost happened with me, remember? Except in my case it didn't quite work."

"I think you weren't there long enough," Penny explained. "I think it would be interesting if we could give other mortals witchcraft."

"Really?" Leonard looked at her oddly. "In spite of the fact that you were almost stripped of your powers and banished from the Eternal Realm for that very reason? Does that sound like a rational plan to you?"

"I know Daddy doesn't think so," Penny reported unhappily. "He thinks mortals will become corrupted by the power witchcraft will give them. But I didn't become corrupted when I became a witch, did I?"

"Because you're a very special person," Leonard told her, sincerely.

"Aw, thank you, sweetie!" Penny leaned over and kissed him. The kiss became deeper, and soon they were locked in a passionate embrace.

**=ooo=**

_A little while later—_

"So what was I saying?" Penny asked Leonard as they lay side by side, breathing heavily.

"You were thinking about how irrational it would be to bring mortals to the Eternal Realm so they could become magical."

"Nooo," Penny shook her head. "I'm pretty sure I was thinking it was a good idea." She turned to him with a frown. "What have _you_ got against it, anyway? You can do wishcraft now!"

"Sometimes," Leonard corrected her. "But not consistently. And anyway, think about Sheldon with witchcraft," he suggested.

"Oh my God." Penny got a look of horror on her face. "Good point," she gulped.

"If Sheldon found out the Eternal Realm could make him a warlock you'd never hear the end of it," Leonard said. "In fact, I'm surprised he hasn't already told all of our friends you're a witch, to get everyone to start badgering you for stuff."

"Do you think they'd really do that?" Penny asked. "By the way, do you want something to drink with your bagel?"

"I could drink a little water," Leonard said. Penny nodded and waved a hand toward the kitchen. A few seconds later two bottles of water floated into the bedroom. "Thanks," Leonard said as one of the bottles floated over into his hand.

"I _know_ Sheldon would," Leonard continued. "He wants to use magic to get a Nobel Prize for himself, that's how desperate for one he's become."

"What about that paper the two of you wrote?" Penny wondered, sipping at her bottle of water. "Could you get a Nobel Prize for that?"

Leonard was silent for a few moments. "I don't think so," he said at last. "It's an interesting hypothesis, but there's nothing really groundbreaking about it. The award we got was recognition enough."

"But now you're going after million dollar prizes," Penny pointed out. "I guess you wanted more than that award, huh?"

"Well, I do," Leonard said, honestly. "I want our future together to be something you and I both contribute to, both financially and emotionally."

Penny's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying I don't bring enough emotional commitment to this relationship, Leonard?"

"Um," Leonard looked at her, surprised. "No, I'm pretty sure I _didn't_ say that."

"It sounded like you did," Penny retorted, accusingly. "You know, I think you're just jealous that I'm making more money than you are now, and that I'm being more mature than you are about my finances."

Leonard looked skeptical. "Well, based on your attitude right now, I wouldn't call what you're saying here very 'mature.'" Penny stared at him, openmouthed, as he opened his water bottle and started to drink.

A second later Leonard appeared in the hallway, in his shorts. "See?" he said loudly. "Now _that_ wasn't very mature!" He tipped back the water bottle to drink. It disappeared from his hand.

"Great! Just great!" he said, then looked down at himself. "And where are my pants?!"

His pants appeared a moment later, dropping onto his head from above. "Thank you!" Leonard snapped, turning and stalking to his door only to find it locked. "You'd think I'd have learned by now not to say stuff like that," he muttered. "But noooo…" Sighing, he dug his key out of his pants pocket, unlocked the door and went inside.

At his desk, Sheldon turned to watch as Leonard entered. "Hello," he said.

"Hi," Leonard muttered, dropping his door key into the bowl. He gave Sheldon a long look. "You're not still mad about last night?" he asked, warily.

"You mean all of the papers you've written without my guidance or assistance?" Sheldon replied. "No, not at all."

"Good," Leonard nodded, staring toward the refrigerator to get some more water. He halted halfway there. "Er—why not?"

Sheldon stopped typing and looked at Leonard. "I just realized that, after all these years together, a lot of what I am has rubbed off on you, and vice versa."

"Well, thanks," Leonard smiled. The smile faltered. "I think." He walked over to Sheldon's desk. "What are you working on this morning?" He stared at the header of the article Sheldon was reading. It was one of the articles Leonard had written for _Physical Review D_. But there was something wrong—there, right under the title, was the name "Sheldon L. Cooper, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D., next to the words "Lead Author."

"You _hacked_ my articles and put your name on them?!" Leonard shouted at him. "Sheldon, you did _not_ help me write those papers!"

"Of course I did," Sheldon declared. "For the past eight years you've been subjected to the fallout of my genius, much like Madam Curie was subjected to the radiation of the element radium, which she discovered. Only in your case it somehow managed not to kill you." A pause. "You're welcome."

"Sheldon," Leonard said firmly. "You are _not_ leaving your name on my papers! Take them off immediately!"

Sheldon folded his arms stubbornly. "And what if I refuse?"

"Then—" Leonard paused, considering his options. Sheldon seemed adamant on being difficult about this. Time to pull out the big guns. "I'll—I'll tell your mother on you!"

"Go ahead," Sheldon said emotionlessly. "Amy's turned on me and left me. You've turned on me, writing papers that are clearly above your intelligence level. Penny's turned on me by not using her witchcraft to give me the Nobel Prizes I deserve. But my mother will always support me, no matter what. Unless you use Penny's magic to turn her against me like you did last time she was here!"

"That was Endora!" Leonard shouted. "_She_ did that, not me or Penny!"

"But you let it go on for a whole week," Sheldon countered. "My mother ignored me because your mother had her personality, and she was nicer to you than she's ever been. And you _liked_ that—admit it!"

"Alright," Leonard agreed. "I did like it. But you still can't just add your name to my papers! It's unethical!"

"How ethical was it for you to soak up all my brilliance over the past eight years then betray me by writing those papers!" Sheldon demanded. "Are you going to give me half the money if you win the Millennium Prize?"

Leonard thought for a moment. "What will you do if my papers turn out to be wrong? Are you willing to take half the blame?"

"I hadn't considered that," Sheldon said. He slumped, defeated. "Oh, all right. I'll take my name off of them. But if by some unlikely chance you win any Nobel Prizes from these papers, we're hanging them on the wall in _my room_!"

"Deal," Leonard said sourly, grabbing a water from the fridge and stalking off to his room.

Sheldon turned back to the PC, beginning the process of removing his name from each of the articles he'd changed. Although, he reminded himself, he _hadn't_ promised not to put himself into any footnotes…

**=ooo=**

_Late Saturday afternoon, Penny's apartment—_

Penny sat on her couch, angrily drinking a glass of wine she'd conjured up. This was glass number…four? Maybe it was five. It didn't matter, she decided. What mattered was that Leonard was a jerk.

Well, kind of.

Their argument that morning had been a matter of opportunity on her part, to get him out of her hair and give her a chance to think about where their engagement was going. In retrospect, if she was honest with herself, seeing Zack and that airhead Mindy in Vegas the other night had been the best thing that could have happened to them.

Eight years ago, she could have been Mindy's twin.

She'd been young, then, and she had some pretty unrealistic dreams about what her future was going to be like. She was going to be discovered _real soon now_, all she needed was that one big break to get her exposed to the Hollywood scene.

But as year after year slipped by and no break came, her priorities had begun to change. Lasting friendships became more important than tawdry relationships, especially with guys who just wanted to spend some time with her then go back to their own lives with a smile on their faces and "teeth marks on their hineys," as Bernadette had once put it.

And through all that, there'd been Leonard. He'd stuck through everything she'd thrown at him: watching guys come and go from her apartment; going on two dates with him and rejecting him afterwards each time; then letting him go off on the Artic expedition without telling him how she was beginning to feel about him, because she was afraid he wouldn't go and then she wouldn't follow through on her feelings. But he'd gone, and she'd fallen for him over that summer.

And then she rejected him _again_, because she'd listened to Wil Wheaton's story about a girl stringing him along, and didn't want to do that to Leonard, because _she_ was afraid of a real commitment with a guy like him. A nerd. Leonard even _said_ he was a nerd! He was the King of Nerds! Penny smiled, remembering when he'd said that. He might be a nerd, but he was _her_ nerd.

Her phone abruptly rang. Penny picked it up off the coffee table, glanced at the name of the person calling her, then frowned and answered it. "Hello?"

"Hey, Penny," the voice on the other end said. "This is Kevin Smith. You remember me?"

"Um, sure," Penny said, setting down her wine glass. "What's up?"

"Hey," Kevin said. "I noticed you didn't do a reading when auditions were being held, and I wanted to ask if there was a problem or if something happened to keep you from coming in that day?"

"Oh, no, nothing like that," Penny replied. "It's just—well, I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with acting or not…"

"I'm sorry to hear that," Kevin said, sounding disappointed. "Like I said, I really liked you in _Serial Ape-ist 2_ and I thought you had a lot of potential for _Clerks 3_, and I'd really like to see you read for it!"

Penny smiled to herself. Even if she wasn't going to continue with acting, it was nice to hear someone praising her. "Well, thank you," she said, beaming happily. "It's very nice of you to say, but I'm going to get married, you know, and I do like the work I'm doing now—"

"Well, tell you what," Kevin suggested. "Why don't you just come into my office on Monday and I'll show you some ideas I have for your role in the movie, and you can read some lines with me and we'll see what you think? No pressure on you, it'll be very relaxed and I can even take you somewhere to get a bite to eat afterwards, if you're hungry."

"Really?" Penny was positively beaming now. It sounded like Kevin Smith was really, _really_ interested in having her in that movie! But still, she wasn't completely sure that was the right move. "Tell you what," she countered. "Let me think about it this weekend and I'll get back to you Monday morning. How's that sound?"

"Sure," Kevin agreed. "Call anytime. I'm really looking forward to working with you, Penny. Thanks for listening to me and I'll talk to you soon." Kevin hung up.

"Huh," Penny mused, picking up her glass of wine. That was weird, she thought. Just as she was about the leave the whole acting scene behind her, an offer like that came along! Almost like…

Penny frowned, looking up at the ceiling. "Endora," she called out. "Is that _your_ doing? Are you _making_ Kevin Smith call me or what?"

Endora popped in, appearing on the couch next to Penny. "Don't look at me," she said, tartly. "Some bearded oaf making a movie holds no interest for me at all, whether you wish to be in it or not."

"Well, all right," Penny said, a bit skeptically. "But I don't know any other reason why he's so gung-ho about getting me in that movie." She thought of something else. "Has Daddy wished you a happy Mother's Day yet?"

"Oh, of course not!" Endora sneered. "After all, _I'm_ not his mother."

"I know," Penny explained, "but you and he seemed to be getting along rather nicely while we were at the Witches' Council…"

"Wyatt has his own mother, thank you very much," Endora snapped. "And as far as I'm concerned they are welcome to one other!"

"Okay, okay," Penny said, defensively. "Sheesh, don't bite my head off, okay? I was just asking."

"Well, _don't_ ask," Endora suggested. "The less I see or think about that woman, the better."

A sudden flash of lightning and rumble of thunder preceded the appearance of a woman standing just inside Penny's door. She was taller than Penny or Endora, dressed in a long, slinky black gown with a plunging neckline that revealed her ample cleavage. Her hair was long and black, with ruby red lips curled in a sneer at Endora. "Sorry to rain on your parade, Endora," she said, smirking.

"Speak of the devil," Endora retorted. "Or should I say, the b—"

"Okay, enough of that!" Penny said, jumping to her feet. "Hello? Are you my grandma?"

"In the flesh, babe," she replied, spreading her arms as Penny rushed forward to hug her. "It's so good to finally meet you after all these years!" she exclaimed, holding Penny at arm's length to look at her. "I can see some of your father in your face."

"It's a wonder you can see anything at all, Elvira, with all that eye shadow you're wearing," Endora sneered.

"Put a sock in it, Endora," Elvira replied. "This time it's not about you and me, it's about me and my granddaughter, Penny!" She snapped her fingers and a plush chair appeared behind her. She sat as Penny returned to the couch. "I heard not long ago that you got into some trouble with the Witches' Council," she said, concerned. "How did that work out?"

"No thanks to you," Endora muttered. "While my husband Maurice and daughter _Queen_ Samantha were busy saving Penny, _your son_ Wyatt and me from a fate worse than death, you were off somewhere, likely gallivanting around with some young warlock."

"Don't be so catty, Endora," Elvira told her. "I was doing no such thing. I was—" she cleared her throat "—in Vegas working on a revival of my 'Mistress of the Dark' routine."

Penny's mouth dropped. "Shut up," she said. "You mean you're _that_ Elvira?"

"You got it, babe," Elvira beamed proudly. "I've been doing that shtick since the early 80's, ever since I realized witches needed someone to be an onscreen role model for them." Endora rolled her eyes.

"That's really cool," Penny said enthusiastically. "I really like that look—especially those stiletto heels."

"Thanks," Elvira said. "Anyway, since it was so close to Mother's Day I just popped by to meet you and see how you've been doing."

"Like you care," Endora muttered.

"I do care!" Elvira declared. "It's just—I've been a little busy lately."

"For a whole year?" Endora pointed out. "Oh, _please_."

"Yeah, well, it's not that easy to just drop in on someone out of a clear black sky and say, 'Penny, I am your grandmother,'" Elvira protested defensively. "I've been wanting to… so Penny, how are things going for you, really?"

"Really good," Penny said, then thought about that for a few seconds. "Well, mostly good. I'm getting married!" She held out her ring hand, displaying the ring Leonard had gotten her.

"Oh, wonderful!" Elvira beamed happily at her, admiring the ring. "When?"

"Um… well, we're working on that," Penny admitted. "And, well, I was working at the Cheesecake Factory for a while—"

"For over seven years," Endora supplied.

"But," Penny quickly added, "I have a job as a pharmaceutical representative now."

"That's very nice," Elvira smiled. A moment of silence. "And what is that, exactly?"

"I recommend and sell drugs from a pharmaceutical company to doctors," Penny explained. "Oh, and of course I was also doing acting—"

"Oh, like Maurice!" Elvira smiled. Endora rolled her eyes again. "Don't worry, Endora—I have no intentions on Maurice any more, I'm just happy Penny is doing something both her grandfather and grandmother enjoyed doing."

"Well, I don't do it anymore now," Penny explained. Elvira's expression fell. "I mean, I did just get an offer earlier today to read for a part in a movie, but I don't think I'm going to do it."

"Oh, why not?" Elvira wanted to know. "I think it would be wonderful to see you in a movie, Penny dear!"

"Really?" Penny thought about that. "Well, I don't think there were be any harm if I just went down and talked about it…"

"That's the spirit!" Elvira enthused. "In no time you'll be mugging for the camera just like your grandma Elvira!"

"It _sounds_ like a mugging," Endora grumbled. "You're practically beating her over the head with it."

"Well, I don't see _you_ doing much of anything except complaining," Elvira snapped, hands on her hips.

"That's only because there's so much of you to complain about," Endora retorted, her voice dripping venom.

Elvira ignored the comment and took Penny's hands. "Anyway, sweetie, I must be popping off. If you ever want to talk, just give me a call, okay?"

"Okay," Penny smiled.

Elvira smiled sweetly at Endora. "_Arrivederci_, Granny," she said, and vanished.

"Ooh," Endora huffed. "I can't stand that woman!"

"I kind of like her," Penny said. "She seems like a real person."

"Well," Endora shrugged. "You're young yet."

**=ooo=**

_Later that same evening— _

Sheldon sat at his desk, staring at his laptop and shaking his head in wonder and disappointment. "Oh, Leonard," he sighed. "How many of these articles have you written? You're going to be so sad when you realize they're all going to be rejected, while _my_ new paper will likely win the Nobel Prize."

His phone rang and Sheldon took it out of his pocket and looked at it. Smiling at the caller's name, he pushed the Answer button and put it to his ear. "Hello, Wil Wheaton," he said.

"Hi, Sheldon," Wil said. "Are you busy?"

"Oh, no," Sheldon replied. "Just looking at someone's heart being broken on the Internet."

"Oh? Writing critiques of women on Match dot com again?"

"No, nothing like that. Leonard has posted some papers online that are way out of his league, and I'm just gloating over the fact that I had nothing to do with them. In fact, I'm writing a new paper on my own, expanding on Leonard and my variant hypothesis about the superfluid vacuum theory that should light a fire under the Nobel committee."

"Okay," Wil said, uncertainly. "Well, I have a favor to ask of you."

"Really?" Sheldon smiled. "How nice! I certainly won't mind having you in my debt, Wil Wheaton!"

"I suppose not," Wil said. "Anyway, Kevin Smith is trying to get Penny to read for a part in this movie he's making, and he thinks she's not going to do it."

"Well, Penny has given up on being an actress," Sheldon said, "but that's problematic since she was barely one in the first place."

"You know, she and I were both in the movie _Serial Ape-ist 2_, and she did a decent job in it even though the movie itself didn't have much of a plot," Wil reminded him.

"That may be true," Sheldon agreed. "But you kind of stunk in it, don't you think?"

Silence from Wil's end for several seconds. "Anyway, Sheldon," Wil went on as if he hadn't heard. "Kevin wanted me to give you a call and see if there was any way you could go over and convince her to come to his office Monday morning and discuss the deal."

"I see," Sheldon said. "Wil, I don't know if I'm comfortable trying to convince Penny to do something in which she no longer has any interest. However," he added. "You are my friend, too, and I would like to help you—as long as it's not too inconvenient for me."

"Please, Sheldon," Wil urged. "If not for her, then for me. Kevin promised if I could get her to show up he'd find a part for me in his movie."

"And is that important to you?" Sheldon asked.

"It would be good for me to get out there in the public eye a bit," Wil said. "Especially in an indie like this one. Kevin is one of the best indie directors around."

"Very well," Sheldon agreed. "I will talk to Penny. And perhaps someday—and that day may never come—I may call upon _you_ to perform a service for _me_."

"Sure, Sheldon," Wil said, smiling. "Pretty good Marlon Brando there, by the way."

"Who's Marlon Brando?" Sheldon asked.

"Never mind," Wil sighed.

**=ooo=**

_Saturday evening at Howard and Bernadette's house—_

"So how did things go last night with you and Emily?" Howard asked Raj as the two of them finished a session on Howards X-Box. With Raj there, Bernie had taken the hint and left the apartment—hopefully, Howard thought, to go talk to Penny about throwing some witchcraft their way, gift-wise.

Raj looked a little uncomfortable. "We made love in a graveyard again last night," he said, almost in a whisper.

"Really?" Howard grinned, leaning forward interestedly. "How was it the second time around?"

"Come on, dude!" Raj snapped. "This is my girlfriend we're talking about! It's weird enough I had sex in a graveyard, I don't want to go through it again with _you_!"

"Never stopped you before," Howard shrugged. "What happened, did she want to do something weird?"

"What, like having sex in a graveyard wasn't weird enough?!" Raj exclaimed. "It was bad enough she told me she's a—" he suddenly clammed up.

"She's a what?" Howard pressed. He had a sudden thought. "She's not really a—guy, is she? I know you've had problems recognizing the difference in the past."

"Very funny," Raj snorted. "Listen," he said in an urgent tone. "She told me something a few weeks ago and it's been bothering me ever since. Promise me you won't breathe a word of this to anyone, not even Bernadette!"

"Sounds serious," Howard said. "Okay, I promise. What's up?"

"A few weeks ago," Raj spoke very quietly. "Emily told me that—" he stopped, hesitating to even say it out loud. "I've got to remain calm about this."

"What?" Howard pressed. "Come on, Raj, what did she say?!"

"She said she was a witch!" Raj whispered.

Howard sat back in his chair, stunned. "Really? A witch?" He was smirking disbelievingly.

"Yes!" Raj nodded vigorously. "She did real magic to prove it! And what's more," he added, "she told me—Penny is a witch, too!"

"Are you serious?" Howard whispered.

"Totally! It freaked me out!" In spite of trying to be calm, Raj was waving his arms wildly. "I mean, when we went to the graveyard the other night, she just _waved her arms_ and suddenly we were there!"

Howard regarded him silently for several seconds. "So," he finally asked. "How is sex with a witch? I mean, I know how it is with Bernadette," he grinned. "But she's a witch of a different kind."

"Can you be serious for one second?" Raj hissed. "In our culture, witches are evil! They're called _daayans_, and they prey on widows and old people, taking their money and food. What's more," he added, even more anxious now, "They seduce young men—like me!—into having sex with them, and we turn old in just a day! I'm too young to be old!" Raj moaned.

"How long have you been having sex with Emily?" Howard asked, in a flat, skeptical tone.

"A few months now, I guess," Raj answered.

"And you haven't turned old yet, have you?" Howard pointed out.

Raj shrugged. "Um, no, I guess not."

"So why don't you try a test?" Howard suggested. "Ask her for a few things, see if she gives them to you. Make sure they're kind of pricey or unusual."

"But—" Raj protested. "I'm not supposed to get things from my girlfriend. That's what my parents are for."

"Just try it," Howard told him. "If she refuses to give them to you, you know she's not a witch like in your legends."

"Okay," Raj agreed. He suddenly looked excited. "Oh! Oh! I can ask for that new telescope I've been wanting! Oh, and a new plasma screen! And a new Lamborghini—no, too ostentatious. Maybe just a Ferrari…"

Howard had stopped listening—he was thinking about Bernadette talking to Penny about her witchcraft. There might be no end to the kind of things Penny could provide for them, especially if she wanted to keep her witchcraft a secret from the rest of the world…

**=ooo=**

_Sunday morning, Mother's Day, in Penny's apartment—_

Penny awoke bright and early on Mother's Day. That is, it was barely past nine a.m. when she first opened her eyes that morning. Yesterday had been a very long day and she'd had a long, hot bath, a long, cold glass of wine, and a cozy, warm bed, all by herself. No Leonard around to say something stupid and tick her off.

She pushed herself out of bed and slouched into the kitchen to make herself a cup of must-have coffee. Searching her cabinets, she realized she was out of her favorite blend—must've forgotten it during her last trip to the store. Penny shrugged then snapped her fingers. A hot cup of coffee appeared in her other hand. "Ahhh," she sighed, taking a sip. "That hit the spot!"

Her mind drifted back to the stupid argument she'd had with Leonard, an argument that she had to admit, if she was being honest with herself, she'd started with him. She never knew why she did that, really, other than Leonard just _really_ got on her nerves every so often. And it wasn't because he was being a jerk, most of the time—it was because he _wasn't_. Almost like she had to make up for his lack of jerkiness by being the jerk herself.

And then there was that call from Kevin Smith last night, wanting her to come in and read for _Clerks 3_. She'd left the audition the last time she'd gone, thinking she was done with acting and the trials and tribulations of casting calls and answering fan questions about movies she wanted to forget, like the _Serial Ape-ist_ movies. She took another sip of coffee, trying to figure out what to do as wakefulness slowly filled her brain.

There was a knock at her door. _Wonder who that is_, she thought to herself. She wasn't expecting anyone. "Who is it?" she asked.

"It's Samantha," a woman's voice answered.

Penny jumped to her feet, surprised. The Queen of Witches _here_, at her apartment? Thank God she hadn't popped in like Endora or Maurice did! "Just a second," she called, snapping her fingers. Her coffee cup disappeared and her shorts and T-shirt promptly disappeared, replaced with a pretty dress, her hair and face combed and clean. She then hurried over and opened the door.

Samantha was standing there, smiling, but she wasn't dressed like the Samantha she'd seen before. She was in a fashionable dress that ended just above the knees, with a small, tasteful belt (like she'd mentioned to Leonard, about evening wear!) and an understated purse. "Hi!" she said as Penny opened the door. "Sorry to show up unannounced, but I had some free time and I've been wanting to come over and see you."

"Hi," Penny said, nervously. "Well, um, come on in," she said, gesturing Samantha inside. "I mean—Your Majesty…" she added, with a bow that ended in a curtsey.

"Oh my stars," Samantha said, waving a hand dismissively. "Don't bother with any of that 'Your Majesty' stuff—it's just me and you, my favorite niece."

"Really?" Penny beamed upon hearing that.

"Of course!" Samantha agreed, smiling slyly. "Well, that is, you're my _only_ niece, actually. At least who's a witch. But the sentiment is the same." She looked around the apartment. "Nice place you have here. It looks cozy."

"It _is_ cozy," Penny agreed, still nervous. "My fiancé Leonard lives across the hall." She pointed toward 4A; Samantha glanced out of the door and smiled. "But enough about that," Penny said, pushing the door closed. "Would you like some—um, some…"

"Tea?" Samantha suggested.

"Uh, _yes_!" Penny agreed. She'd completely blanked on the word. "I can, um—"

"I'll tell you what," Samantha interrupted. "You sit down—you look a little anxious. I'll make the tea." She and Penny sat down on the couch, and Samantha made a flourish over the coffee table. A tea service appeared, with a steaming kettle and two cups with loose tea already in them. Samantha wiggled her nose—Penny watched the gesture, intrigued—and the kettle poured hot water into each of the strainers, filling the cups with hot water. The kettle disappeared.

Penny leaned over the cups, looking at the tea. "What happened to the teabags?" she asked.

"I like Earl Grey to steep loose," Samantha said. "It puts more flavor into the tea."

"Earl Grey, eh?" Penny said, looking in the cups again. "That's the kind of tea Jean-Luc Picard likes." She shook her head distractedly. "Sorry, I don't know why I said that—well, yes I do. Leonard, my fiancé, likes Star Trek: the Next Generation. I know you probably never heard of that—"

"Oh, I have," Samantha smiled. "My daughter Tabitha's children liked watching that show when they were little. They even told me they were going to go into space when they got old enough." She and Penny both laughed.

After a moment, Penny's expression turned apprehensive. "Um, can we really do that?"

"Well," Samantha said matter-of-factly. "The other planets are rather boring—most of them have no atmosphere or are too hot or cold. But if you really wanted to—"

"No, no," Penny demurred, holding up her hands. "That's okay, I'll take your word for it."

"So," Samantha said, picking up her tea cup and pointing a finger at it; the tea leaves disappeared, leaving a piping hot cup of tea. Two cubes of sugar floated up from the tea service and into her cup. "Mother tells me you may have a part in a mortal movie. That sounds interesting."

Penny was fixing her tea by hand; she felt so nervous in front of Samantha that she didn't want to use witchcraft and mess up. "Yes, I got a call earlier to go in and read for a part on Monday. It could be an interesting role." She shrugged. "But I just don't know if I want to get back into acting now."

"What does your fiancé think?" Samantha asked.

Penny made a face. "Well, that's kind of complicated…"

"How so?" Samantha asked, interested.

Several hours and quite a few cups of tea later, Penny had described the last 12 years of her life, from the time she'd left Nebraska, fresh out of high school, through her years with her first boyfriend, Kurt, to meeting Leonard and Sheldon, getting to know them, and over time slowly falling in love with Leonard. The relationship had had its ups and downs—Penny couldn't count the how many times she'd thought about breaking up with Leonard, or how many times he'd proposed. And now, being a witch for the past year, she really hadn't given that a fair shake, either, knowing what she could be doing with her life if she just gave herself the chance, but being afraid of hurting Leonard.

"I know just what you've been up against," Samantha nodded, when Penny had finished her tale. "I spent many happy years with a man I loved very much, but who was dead set against me performing any kind of witchcraft."

"Oh, Leonard's not _against_ witchcraft," Penny quickly pointed out. "It's just not something he really thinks about. If anything, his friend Sheldon has been worse—he's wanted me to do things for him like change his room so it's his ideal environment. He even asked Leonard if he could have my powers if the Witches' Council took them from me!"

"He sounds like a handful," Samantha smiled.

"Well, Sheldon is special, in his own way," Penny explained. "He's super-smart, but he doesn't handle everyday things like normal people do. He's just—well, being Sheldon.

"I see," Samantha nodded. "It seems like both Leonard and Sheldon are very special to you."

"They are," Penny agreed. "All of my friends are special. I'm not sure how I could have gotten where I am today without them."

"That's what friends are for," Samantha told her. She glanced at her watch. "Oh, dear, I didn't mean to take up so much of your day! I'd better be popping off, I promised my daughter Tabitha we'd have dinner together."

Samantha and Penny both stood. "It was really nice talking to you," Penny said, very glad she'd had the chance to get to know her better.

"I've had a wonderful time, too." Samantha and Penny shared a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. "I know everything will work out for you and Leonard."

"I really hope so," Penny agreed. Waving goodbye, Samantha turned and walked to the door, fading from view as she reached it.

Smiling, Penny waved her hand and vanished the tea service. Seeing someone like Samantha, who'd spent so many years in the mortal world pretending to be mortal, who could still use her powers unashamedly, had given Penny a new perspective. She decided she should use her powers as freely as she wanted, and it wouldn't make her any less human or compassionate as anyone else.

**=ooo=**

_Sunday afternoon, Howard and Bernadette's house—_

Howard and Bernadette entered their home, both walking tiredly over to the sofa and dropping onto it. "Wow," Howard said, rubbing his face. "Dinner at your dad and mom's house is always an experience."

"At least Dad was on his best behavior for Mother's Day," Bernadette said.

"Right, I could tell," Howard said. "He was being very helpful tonight. 'Bernadette, pass your mother the roast beef,' or 'Bernadette, how about doing that one dance number your mother loves.'" He smiled at her. "You were great, by the way."

Bernadette smiled. "Dad tries. My father's kind of old school."

"Yeah, well, so was the Inquisition," Howard joked.

"Be serious," Bernadette said. "At least we had some time away from—" she lowered her voice "—_him_."

Howard lowered his as well. "You mean Stuart the Home Invasion Guy?"

"I never thought it would be that hard to get rid of him," Bernadette complained. "The last time we tried to do it, we ended up celebrating his birthday, for God's sake!"

"_And_ throwing him a party," Howard added. Thinking about that reminded him. "Hey, did you ever talk to Penny about—you know, when you went over there last night?"

Bernadette suddenly looked guilty. "I didn't go," she said, contritely. "I don't think it's right to abuse our friendship with Penny like that."

"Meanwhile," Howard pointed out, "Stuart is the Man Who Wouldn't Leave. Just think what Penny could do for Stuart—she could get him into a home of his own, get his comic book store to take off, financially."

Bernadette considered that. "Well, it couldn't hurt to mention it to her, now that I think about it that way."

"That's my girl," Howard leaned over and gave her a hug. "And speaking of magic…" he said, "what do we have here?" He reached into her ear and pulled out a condom.

=ooo=

**A/N 5/16/15 - This chapter is not the last entry for the story until Season 9 begins, I have a few more chapters to go to finish it.**

**Thanks for reading and for your reviews, especially those of you who think the characters sound ****like their counterparts on the TV shows. We have 8 seasons of BBT now, the same number of seasons as Bewitched ran. I think the Witch-Bang Theory will have about two more chapters before it reaches its conclusion. **

**I will try to make them as interesting and fun to read as I can. I hope you enjoy them! **


	13. The Brainiac Decision

.

**Episode Thirteen**

**The Brainiac Decision**

_Updated_ 5/30/2015

**=ooo=**

_Monday morning at Zangen Pharmaceuticals—  
_Penny looked up from the list of doctors she was scheduled to meet that afternoon at the knock on her door. She smiled as she saw it was Bernadette, holding her purse.

"Ready for lunch?" Penny asked, closing her schedule book and picking up her purse.

"I guess," Bernadette said, not very enthusiastically. She didn't meet Penny's eyes as Penny put on her jacket.

"Is something wrong?" Penny asked, knowing how Bernadette acted when she had some bad news she had to talk about.

Bernadette glanced out into the hallway, then shut the door. "I was going to say something to you about it at lunch, but it can't wait that long. I need to talk to you about something Howard wanted me to do."

"What's that?" Penny asked. She got a sudden weird premonition. "It's not another one of his weird sex role-playing things, is it?" she asked warily.

"No, nothing like that," Bernadette said. "It's kind of worse, actually."

"Really?" Penny leaned back against her desk. "Just remember, I warned you about him before you two got married, that's on you now."

"Well, it's really more about you," Bernadette said, slowly. "And maybe about Leonard as well."

Penny shook her head. "I _told_ Howard we're not swinging with you guys—"

"It's about your witchcraft," Bernadette blurted.

Penny's eyes narrowed. "Uh-oh. Bernadette, what did you tell him?"

"He knows." Bernadette looked _very_ uncomfortable. "I'm sorry! I didn't _mean_ to tell him! It just came out the other night."

Penny thought about it for a few seconds, then shrugged. "Well, maybe it's not that big a deal," she decided. "I mean, you two _are_ married, it's reasonable that both of you know about it."

"That's what I thought," Bernadette said, dropping into a chair. "But Howard's got the idea now that you can give us a lot of stuff using your magic."

"Stuff like what?" Penny wondered.

"Oh, money, furniture for Stuart, a new house to put Stuart's furniture in, little things like that," Bernadette said, trying to be flippant.

"Wow," Penny muttered. "This could be a problem. I want to help people with my witchcraft, but not like _that_."

"I don't know what we're going to do!" Bernadette said helplessly. "I didn't think Howie would be like this! He's been so good lately handling his allowance I thought he'd gotten over his bad spending habits, but the thought of being able to ask for _anything_ he wants is turning him greedy again! He would never ask _me_ for money or stuff like that these days!"

"Maybe _that's_ the solution," Penny said. "Nobody but Leonard knows about this, but I was called into the witches' realm about a month ago for illegally bringing a mortal there. That mortal was _you_, by the way. They had a trial and everything."

"Oh no!" Bernadette looked appalled. "What happened?"

"It all worked out," Penny reassured her. "There was a loophole in the law that if the mortal had witches' blood in them the prohibition was waived. We checked genealogical records and found out _you_ have magical blood."

"I do?" Bernadette looked shocked. "So how come going there didn't give me any magical abilities?"

"Because you caught that growing disease thing instead," Penny said. "But now that Dr. Bombay has cured you of that, you should be able to go there and soak up enough magic to become a witch. That way, Howard can't expose me as a witch without exposing _you_ as well. That is," she added. "If you want to."

Bernadette jumped to her feet. "Are you kidding?" she asked. "Let's go!"

"Okay," Penny nodded. She raised her hands, fingers poised to snap and pop them away, when she remember. "Oh, hang on. I've got to clear my calendar."

She made a flourish at her schedule book, which opened on its own to that day's appointments. With another flourish, all the afternoon appointments vanished and the page flipped over to the next day, where they reappeared.

"Wow," Bernadette muttered to herself. "That would be handy."

"All set!" Penny smiled. "Ready? Here we go!" She snapped her fingers and she and Bernadette vanished.

**=ooo=**

_Meanwhile, around that same time, over at Caltech—  
_Leonard, Sheldon, Howard and Raj found an empty table and set their food trays down on it at the same time, silently taking their seats. None of them had spoken to one another since the four of them entered the Caltech cafeteria, making for a rather uncomfortable silence.

Leonard knew Sheldon was upset about the papers he had written on the Millennium Prize conjectures, not to mention his other papers written for the journal _Physical Review D_, which were more physics-oriented. Sheldon had even been working on a paper of his own, though he hadn't told Leonard yet what it was about. Leonard expected it was some kind of retaliation for, as Sheldon had put it, betraying him by trying to take the Nobel Prize from Sheldon for himself, which was blatantly false. Well, _mostly_ false, Leonard corrected himself. Winning a Nobel Prize on top of the Millennium Prize money would be even better, since it would help his position here at the university, probably gaining him tenure; he, Sheldon and Raj had been on the short list for over a year now.

"Leonard," Sheldon said. "Would you please pass the salt?"

Leonard glanced quizzically at his roommate; the salt shaker was directly between them, within easy reach for Sheldon, yet he'd asked Leonard to pass it. "Why do you want me to pass the salt?" he asked. "It's right there."

Sheldon reached up and pulled on the collar of his T-shirt, exposing the area above his heart. "I thought perhaps you'd like to rub some into my wounds."

Howard and Raj were both staring at this exchange. "What's going on?" Howard asked.

"He's just upset that I've submitted a few papers on physics to a couple of journals," Leonard complained.

"_And_ multiple papers purporting to prove several Millennium Prize conjectures," Sheldon added, accusingly.

"Really?" Howard and Raj both appeared impressed. "I've looked at some of those conjectures," Howard went on. "They are _not_ easy." He eyed Leonard appraisingly. "How many papers did you submit? One? Two?"

"Five," Leonard mumbled, immediately filling his mouth with food so he couldn't say anything more.

"_Five_?" Raj sounded astonished. "That's impossible! Only one or two of the Millennium Prizes has ever been proven!"

"Only one," Howard said. "And there are only six unsolved problems left! If Leonard has solved five of them—"

"_There_ he is!" a voice rang out across the cafeteria, and everyone turned to see Drs. Gabelhauser and Siebert, the head of the Physics department and the President of the university, respectively, heading toward Leonard. "Dr. Hofstadter!" Gabelhauser said, rushing up to him and clapping him on the shoulder. "We've been looking for you! We both just heard the news?"

"What news?" Leonard asked.

"The news about your submissions for the Millennium Prize problems," Dr. Siebert said, shaking Leonard's hand. "We've received preliminary confirmation this morning that two of your solutions have been accepted!"

"They have?" Leonard smiled, surprised at the quick response.

"They most certainly have!" Gabelhauser beamed. "Do you realize, Dr. Hofstadter, what this news will do for the university? A lot of people are taking interest in us right now!"

"Seems like a lot of carrying on over just a few equations," Sheldon muttered.

"Just a few equations?" Siebert looked incredulous. "Dr. Hofstadter here has done more in the past few days than you've accomplished in the last decade, Dr. Cooper!"

"_Has_ he?" Sheldon gave Leonard a scathing look. "I wonder how he managed to accomplish _that_?"

"However he did it," Gabelhauser said. "Dr. Hofstadter here is the man of the hour!"

"The man of the year!" Siebert added.

Gabelhauser and Siebert were all smiles, but the looks on Sheldon, Howard and Raj's faces would have had Captain Kirk yelling, "Beam my ass out of here, Scotty!"

"I'm going to talk to the tenure committee today," Siebert said to Leonard. "With the work you've done in the past week, I'd say tenure is in the bag for you. Keep up the good work, Dr. Hofstadter," the president added, with a final pat on the shoulder, then he and Gabelhauser headed for the cafeteria door. Leonard was left with his three friends staring stonily at him.

"That sure was nice of them, wasn't it?" Leonard said weakly, wondering what they would say. "Wow, tenure! What an unexpected honor—"

"Unexpected my butt," Howard said in a low voice, so no one could overhear. "Even if Raj and Sheldon don't know, _I_ know how you were able to write those articles!"

"Of course _I_ know how he did it," Sheldon said, staring at Howard skeptically. "How do _you_ know?"

"I just know," Howard retorted. "You don't need to know how I know."

"I know, too!" Raj spoke up. "But I didn't know _you_ knew."

"How could you not know I knew?" Howard asked.

"I don't know," Raj shrugged.

"Wait a second," Leonard interrupted. "Sheldon, did you tell them?"

"Tell them what?" Sheldon asked. "That Penny is a witch?"

Howard and Raj looked at each other, surprised. "How did _you_ know that?" Howard asked.

"Bernadette told me," Sheldon said, folding his arms.

Howard gaped at him. "How does _Bernie_ know?!"

"Penny told her," Leonard said, finally giving in; there was no use trying to keep it a secret any longer. "Listen, now that you know, you can't tell anyone else about it."

"Oh, a secret, huh?" Sheldon had _that_ look in his eye—Leonard could sense he was moving in for the kill. "Well, it's no secret now how you've been writing all those papers, is it?"

"What do you mean?" Leonard asked, though his guts were already twisting.

"Penny made you smarter, didn't she?" Sheldon demanded.

"No she didn't!" Leonard denied.

"Come on, Leonard," Howard was shaking his head. "It's obvious and it's brilliant! Penny makes you into a Brainiac, you figure out the solutions to those Millennium Prize problems and collect the money, and you and she can retire to a rich, cozy life doing whatever you want. And Raj and Emily can do the same thing!"

Sheldon started. "What do you mean? Emily isn't a witch too, is she?"

Howard nodded. "Oh yeah! Raj told me. He's got it made, too!"

"Don't rain on my cash cow, dude," Raj warned him.

"You two are unbelievable!" Leonard said. "Is that all that's important to you—money?!"

"Of course not," Howard snapped. He hesitated a moment. "Sex is important, too."

"Getting back to the matter at hand," Sheldon interrupted. "We still must deal with Leonard's betrayal and his use of Penny's magic to make himself appear smart."

"Penny _didn't_ make me smarter!" Leonard insisted.

"Well, then _how_ do you explain being able to figure those Millennium problems out," Howard demanded.

"And those physics papers you wrote," Raj added. "When do we get _our_ new brains, dude?"

"I think you all _do_ need new brains!" Leonard exploded. "Because you're not using the ones you have now! Even if Penny wanted to, I wouldn't have let her make me smarter! I—uh-oh," he suddenly shut up as he made the connection.

"Uh-oh, what?" Howard asked.

"I just realized," Leonard said, his voice almost a whisper. "I think I did this to myself."

"What do you mean?" Raj asked.

"I mean, I think I wished this onto myself," Leonard said. "A few months ago Penny and I went to the realm where witches and warlocks live. I wasn't there very long, but when I returned I found out my asthma had been cured and I had the ability to wish for things and have them come true. It seemed to go away after a couple of months but there must've been some traces of it left in me." He looked at the others. "I think I must've wished myself smarter."

The four of them looked at one another, not knowing what to say.

Howard was the first to speak. "Well, now that that's all cleared up, what say we discuss what it will take for me not to reveal Penny's witchcraft to the world…"

Leonard stared at him, incredulous. "_Not_ gonna happen," he said flatly.

"Oh, come on!" Howard said pleadingly. "You can have anything you want—I just want a _little_ piece of that!"

Leonard could only look at him in dumbfounded silence.

**=ooo=**

_Later that afternoon—  
_Howard slammed the door as he stomped angrily into his house. He'd spent the rest of lunch trying to convince Leonard he would report Penny to the authorities as a witch if they didn't start whipping up stuff for him and Bernadette, but Leonard kept calling his bluff! He dropped onto the couch, frustrated, trying to think something he could say to convince Leonard he meant business. Of course he couldn't _really_ turn in Penny—that would be like cooking the goose that laid the golden eggs! He had to figure another angle, some way to convince Leonard and Penny to cooperate…

Bernie wasn't going to be much help, he decided. She didn't want to "abuse their friendship" with Penny. Well, was it fair that Penny and Leonard—and Raj and Emily too, for that matter!—were going to get everything they wanted in life, while he and Bernadette were stuck living in his mother's house along with Stuart for the foreseeable future? No, of _course_ it wasn't, Howard answered himself.

In fact, where _were _Bernie and Stuart? He hadn't heard anyone in the house since he'd gotten home. "Bernie? Stuart? Anybody here?" Howard called out, but there was no answer. Stuart might be working later at the comic book store—which was fine as far as Howard was concerned; he had big plans to make with his wife that didn't include a houseguest that had long overstayed his welcome!

Howard got up and checked the kitchen and the downstairs bedroom, the most likely places for either Stuart or Bernadette to be. They were both empty. Howard sat back down on the couch, then pulled out his phone and began a text to Bernadette: BERNIE IM HOME WHERE ARE U?

"I'm here, Howard," Bernadette's voice came from right behind him, but when he looked around nobody was there.

"Where?" Howard asked, beginning to feel a little creeped out. His wife was small but not _that_ small! "I don't see you."

"I know," her voice said. "But I'm right here in front of you." With a sudden flash of light she was standing before him.

Howard jerked back. "What the frack?!" he gasped. "What did you just do?!"

Penny was suddenly standing beside him. "Hi, Howard! How's it going?"

"Penny?" Howard gaped at the two women. They were both dressed in long, flowing black dresses that had an almost ethereal quality about them. "W-what's going on?" he asked apprehensively.

"Good news!" Bernadette said, beaming at him. "Penny was able to turn me into a witch. She and I have been in the witches' realm all day, and I've been learning witchcraft."

"Really?" Howard was suddenly all smiles. "You mean, you can do magic now, too, like Penny?"

"Yes, she can," Penny nodded. "She's a natural witch, it turns out, and she learned much quicker than I did."

"Well, that's great!" Howard said, rubbing his hands together expectantly. His mind was whirling with the possibilities—they could live anywhere they wanted, travel the world, do anything they wanted! Money would never be a problem again!

"So what should we do first?" Howard asked, then began answering his own question. "How about a trip to Cancun? Or maybe Hawaii? Or even Las Vegas—we could probably end up owning our own casino if we play our cards right, if you get my drift," he winked.

Bernadette put a hand on Howard's chest. "Hold on, Howie," she said warningly, as Penny stood behind her, smirking. "There's going to be some rules about my new powers."

"Rules?" Howard looked surprised. "Rules? We don't need no stinking rules, do we? We can do whatever we want!"

"Uh-uh, Howard," Penny shook her head. "That's not how it works. Bernadette wears the pants in this family now." As if to emphasize the point, Bernadette snapped her fingers and Howard's pants disappeared, leaving him in his Aquaman briefs.

"Bernie!" Howard leaned forward, covering up his briefs. "What are you doing?"

"Just showing you what your life's going to be like now that I can do witchcraft," Bernie replied. "What, did you think I was just going to indulge your every whim with my new powers?"

"Well—_yeah_!" Howard cried, as if that should have been obvious. "But—but—don't you want to travel the world, see new things, have wonderful adventures, stuff like that?!"

"Sure," Bernadette said. With a wave of her hand Howard's pants were back on again. "But I don't need _you_ for that, do I?"

Howard stared at her, stunned. "But…we're…"

"Married?" Bernadette finished for him. "I guess that's true. But all that means now is that you can stay home and take care of our kids, when I decide we'll have some, while I go enjoy myself and have fun and a life."

"You—you would just _use_ me like that?" Howard gasped.

"Weren't you planning on using _me_, Howard?" Penny asked him, hands on her hips. "Didn't you tell Bernadette to ask me for a bunch of stuff _you_ wanted?"

"Um," Howard said, looking like a kid caught with his hand in the magic jar. "There, um, might have been a conversation along those general lines…"

"And what makes you think you _deserve_ any of that stuff?" Penny went on, as Bernadette stood beside her, nodding agreement. "Didn't you threaten to turn me in if you didn't get everything you wanted?"

"Well…" Howard didn't want to answer that. "Okay," he said, trying to dig himself out of this mess. "I suppose I don't need _everything_ I asked for. We could probably get by with just a bigger house. Or maybe two, one for us and one for Stuart—"

"Forget it, Howie," Bernadette cut him off. "I'm in charge, and you're going to do exactly what I say from now on!" Bernadette leaned over him, her hands extended like claws, poised to grab him, and Howard shrank away from her. "Do you hear me, Howard? _Everything I say_!"

"No," Howard whimpered, closing his eyes. "Please…"

"Do you hear me, Howard?" his wife said again, her voice seemingly far away now that he couldn't see her. "_Do you hear me_?"

Howard jerked upward. He found himself lying on the couch. Bernadette was standing next to him, her hand on his shoulder, dressed in her normal business clothes. Penny wasn't there. "What—what happened?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes, feeling groggy.

"You were asleep, Howie," Bernadette said, as Howard pulled himself into a sitting position on the couch, and she sat down beside him. "It sounded like you were dreaming."

"Maybe I was," Howard said, trying to recall what he'd dreamed. "I think—I dreamed Penny was a witch," he told her.

"A witch?" Bernadette smiled. "What do you mean?"

"I mean she had magic powers," Howard said. "I was arguing with Leonard about it, trying to get him to get her to give us stuff like money and a new house and—" he stopped, staring at her. "And Penny said _you_ were a witch, too."

"Me?" Bernadette looked surprised at that. "How could I be a witch?"

"I'm not sure," Howard shook his head. "Something about visiting the place where the witches lived, something like that." He took a deep breath. "It felt so real."

"Dreams do sometimes," Bernadette said, rubbing his arm affectionately. "But then we wake up and everything is back to normal. Right?"

"I guess," Howard said. He stood up slowly. "I'm going to get something to drink. You want anything?"

"I'm fine," Bernadette said. She stood up with him. "Howie, I hope you aren't unhappy with what we have now. We've got your mother's house and each other, and Stuart will move out once his comic book store is doing better."

"I guess you're right," Howard nodded, convinced that the thing about his wife and Penny being witches was just in his head. "I love you," he said, smiling at her.

"And I love you," she said, hugging him. She let him go, and Howard smiled and went into the kitchen to get a Yoo-Hoo.

She turned and looked toward Penny, who was standing nearby, invisible, and gave her a thumbs-up. "That takes care of Howard knowing about you," she said softly. "I won't tell him about me becoming a witch until he's ready to hear it."

"Which should be sometime early next century," Penny added. "See you later," she said, then popped out, back to her apartment.

**=ooo=**

Leonard walked into his apartment feeling upset and depressed. Howard had badgered him seemingly for hours about Penny's witchcraft, trying to get him to agree to have her whip up a bunch of stuff from him. He'd finally walked away from him and locked himself in his lab to get away.

Howard had promptly picked the lock to get in.

Leonard ran out to his car and drove away. He drove aimlessly around Pasadena for a couple of hours, ignoring his phone, giving Howard the rest of the day to cool down (he hoped) and see reason. At least with Sheldon you knew he was going to be reasonable, at least in the Sheldonian sense of reasonableness. With Howard, there was no telling what you'd get.

His laptop began chiming a Skype call. Leonard slipped it out of its case and set it on his desk, opening it so he could answer the call. It was his mother.

"Mother," he said, mildly surprised. She rarely called him; she actually spent a lot more time Skyping with Sheldon than with him. "Did you mean to call Sheldon?"

"Hello, Leonard," Beverly said. "No, I wanted to talk to you this time. I've been hearing some talk around the university about a number of papers you've published recently." She adjusted her glasses and gave him a mildly approving look. "I must say," she said in her usual monotone. "I am quite delighted to hear that they have all been very favorably received in the scientific community."

"Why thank you, Mother," Leonard said, smiling at the unexpected praise. "I'm glad you're pleased."

"Yes, I've experienced an unexpected rush of endorphins," Beverly noted. "Interestingly, it was somewhat akin to my first orgasm."

"Thanks for sharing that, Mother," Leonard muttered. Way, _way_ too much information!

"You're welcome," Beverly replied, either missing or ignoring the sarcasm. "It will be interesting when I inform your brother and sister of your accomplishments."

"Really?" Leonard smiled. "You think they'll be proud of me, too?"

"More likely relieved," Beverly answered. "I know Michael has been worried that you would never achieve the relative success your sister has enjoyed with her diabetes research. I certainly am relieved as well."

"Alright, Mother," Leonard said, growing tired of the conversation. "Send everyone my love, I'll talk to you soon." He ended the Skype call.

Well, that was more than likely the most approval he was likely to ever get from his mother—he'd better take it.

**=ooo=**

_A couple of weeks later—  
_Leonard's star continued to rise at Caltech. His tenure was approved, earning him a private office on the upper floor of the physics department building, Professor Tupperman's old office, in fact, now that the smell had been eliminated.

Gabelhauser and Siebert were falling all over Leonard now that his instant celebrity had focused attention on Caltech's physics department. Leonard was the guest of honor at a couple of hastily-arranged fund raisers, talking with prospective donors about their recent work as well as the articles he'd written. Notably, though Sheldon, Raj and Howard were invited to the fund raisers as well, none of them showed up.

Things were no better the rest of the time. In the cafeteria Leonard was now shunned from eating with the guys, who filled the fourth chair at their table with none other than Barry Kripke, who also nursed a grudge against Leonard for getting the tenure position even though he'd been eliminated from the nominations a long time ago.

In a mild act of retaliation, Leonard used his lunch time to work on additional articles, which he submitted to various physics journals. Within a few weeks he had three more articles written and submitted, building even more celebrity for himself, and increasing the tension between him and his roommate and fellow physicists.

Leonard tried to explain himself to Penny, but she had taken to going places after work that didn't include Leonard, sometimes staying out late three or four nights during the week. She explained this as time spent with Bernadette, whom she said she was helping her with some "work issues." Though Penny spending extra time on work-related stuff didn't quite ring true, when Leonard called Bernadette to check up on Penny they were always together. Leonard finally shrugged to himself and put it out of his mind. Being alone did give him extra time to work on some ideas that had come to him in the past few days, ideas that would be of benefit to everyone, not just physicists or mathematicians.

**=ooo=**

In his apartment, Sheldon sat at his desk doing a final proofreading on his article expanding on the superfluid vacuum theory hypothesis developed in his and Leonard's original article on the subject. He and Leonard had barely spoken in the past few weeks, and he no longer joined them in the cafeteria for lunch, being too busy with his "work" and showing off with President Siebert on fund-raisers and other functions that were cashing in on his current "celebrity." It was disgusting—mostly because should be _he_, Sheldon Cooper, who was revealing the secrets of the universe to the world!

Well, his new paper would blow the lid off their original work, Sheldon was sure of that. Pretty sure. He hoped…

Sheldon slumped, depressed. He shouldn't feel this way, he told himself. He had a superior mind, one that did not become distracted by petty human problems like loneliness and heartache. He should be _above_ all that, immune to it!

But he _did_ feel that way, he had to admit. Things just weren't the same since Amy left. It had been weeks since he'd seen or heard from her. It was no good. Instead of working on this article, he told himself, he should be thinking of a way to get Amy back.

No, that's crazy talk, another part of him objected. You're Sheldon Lee Cooper, theoretical physicist extraordinaire, not some lovesick hotsy-totsy biologist! You have to rise about this! Sheldon sat up again, taking a deep, calming breath, and resolved to continue on with his work, unfazed by unimportant issues like love and relationships and—

His computer suddenly signaled a Skype call coming in. Sheldon immediately closed his article and ran Skype.

Amy Farrah Fowler appeared on the screen. "Hello, Sheldon," she said, in her usual flat, emotionless tone, though Sheldon thought her expression was a bit more unhappy and maybe longing than usual. She was definitely calling to make up with him!

"Amy!" Sheldon said, pleased by her unexpected call. "It is pleasant seeing you again. May I assume that you've come crawling back to me to beg forgiveness for running off and leaving me hanging for the past two weeks?"

Amy suppressed a sigh. "Sheldon, I have been thinking long and hard about our relationship. I am _not_ crawling back to you. I called to see if you're doing okay and if there was anything you wanted to ask me now that we haven't spoken for a while."

Sheldon was silent for several seconds. He seemed to be thinking deeply as he stared at Amy through the electronic eye of her laptop's camera. Finally he spoke. "Yes," he admitted. "I do have a question for you." He looked searchingly into her eyes. "Do you know where my World's Greatest Physicist mug is? It's not in its designated position in the kitchen cabinet and Leonard swears he never touched it—"

"Goodbye, Sheldon," Amy said, reaching for the keyboard to end the call.

"Wait," Sheldon called out before she could hit the key. "I _have_ been thinking about you for the past few weeks," he said, slowly, feeling his way through a tangle of unfamiliar emotions. "I would like to talk to you; perhaps we could meet somewhere?"

"Perhaps," Amy agreed, wondering what was going through Sheldon's mind. Even though progress with him had been agonizingly slow over the past five years, he had surprised her a couple of times recently with the depths of emotion he seemed to have for her. Asking her whether he should watch _The Flash_ had struck her exactly the wrong way at the just right time to make her doubt their feelings for one another. Maybe she should rethink that. "Where should we meet?" she asked.

"Perhaps the coffee shop where we first met?" Sheldon suggested.

"That would be fine," Amy agreed, managing a small smile. Having them meet there gave her the barest glimmer of hope they could salvage their relationship.

"Very well, then," Sheldon nodded. "Shall we say tomorrow afternoon at 4:30?"

Amy nodded. That was the exact time they had met on their first date! Things were definitely looking up! "I will see you then, Sheldon." She reached for the key to end the call.

"And Amy?" Sheldon leaned forward. "One more thing, and it's very important for me to say this to you."

"Yes, Sheldon?" Amy leaned forward as well.

"It's your turn to buy the beverages, so don't forget to bring some money." Sheldon smiled and the call ended.

Amy sat back, looking at the blank screen. She smiled. "He remembered…" she said, dreamily.

**=ooo=**

_That evening, at Raj's apartment—  
_Raj and Emily were sitting on Raj's couch, arms wrapped intimately around each other as they kissed. In the chair next to the couch Cinnamon, Raj's Yorkshire Terrier, was curled up and licking herself.

"Cinnamon, stop that!" Raj commanded. "You'll give Emily ideas!"

Emily smiled at him. "Maybe I've already got some ideas."

"I don't know," Raj said doubtfully. "Do you think you can bend that far?"

Emily laughed. "I was thinking of something a little different."

"I don't know how much more _different_ we can get than doing it in a graveyard."

"Well, we'll see…" Emily said, then looked at Cinnamon and snapped her fingers. Suddenly, sitting on the chair was a beautiful young woman with long, brown hair.

"Oh, hi," the woman said, then looked down at herself. "Wow, so this is what it feels like to have two legs!"

"What did you do?!" Raj gasped, his eyes wide as he stared at the woman sitting where Cinnamon had been. "Who are you?" he asked the woman.

"Don't you recognize me, Master?" the woman said. "I'm Cinnamon!"

Raj's astonished gaze went from his former dog to his current girlfriend. "You can _do_ that?" he said to her.

"Of course," Emily said. "It's a snap." To emphasize the point she snapped her fingers again. The beautiful young woman turned back into a dog, staring at the two of them with her ears raised.

"Why would you want to make her human?" Raj asked, trying to wrap his head around the idea.

Emily gave him a provocative look. "Come on, Raj, think about it a bit. You and two beautiful women…" She snapped her fingers again and Cinnamon was back in her human form.

Raj looked at Emily, then at Cinnamon. "You mean…"

"What do you think?" Emily asked, waggling her eyebrows. "You know the old saying, 'A man's best friend is his dog.'"

Raj looked a Cinnamon, who smiled back at him, panting a little, with her tongue hanging out of her mouth. Somehow that made the situation both weird and really, _really_ hot.

Raj patted his hands on his lap. "Cinnamon! Come to Daddy!" Cinnamon jumped up, hurried over and sat down across his legs. She and he held a long, lingering kiss. "Wow," Raj muttered when they were finished. He looked at Emily, who was giving him an unreadable look. "So," he said huskily, trying to play it as macho as possible. "What's next?"

"I'll tell you what's next," Emily said, standing. "I'm out of here!"

"What?!" Raj came to his feet, dropping Cinnamon on the sofa as he stood. "What happened?! I thought you _wanted_ this!"

"I wanted to see if _you_ wanted it, you douche!" Emily snapped. She was gathering up her coat and purse. "If you'd have sex with your _dog_ you'd probably have it with anyone!"

"But—but—" Raj sputtered. "She's _not_ a dog, she's a _woman_!"

"You know she's both, and you still wanted to do her, didn't you?" Emily accused. "Well, I hope the two of you will be very happy together!" Emily disappeared.

Raj slumped, then dropped dejectedly back onto the sofa. "Oh my God, Cinnamon," he moaned. "What am I going to do? The only woman I ever truly loved has just left me! I'm going to be alone forever!"

"What about me, Master?" Cinnamon asked, looking a little hurt. "I'm still here, aren't I?"

Raj looked at her. "Yes, yes you are," he agreed. Slowly, he moved toward her, his lips pursed to kiss her. Cinnamon moved forward as well.

As their lips touched, Emily's voice rang out through the apartment. "Here, let me fix that for you!" There was a flash of light and Raj found himself being licked on the mouth by his dog once again.

"Oh well," he said, picking her up and holding her close so she could keep on licking, as a tear rolled down his cheek. "I'll always have _your_ kisses."

**=ooo=**

_The next afternoon, around 4:15 p.m.—  
_Leonard was in the laser lab, sitting at one of the tables working on his laptop. He was typing quickly, without notes, which he no longer needed. Ideas were flowing freely now, even if what he was working on now couldn't be published, not right away, until the time was right.

"Whatcha doin'?" a familiar voice asked, and Leonard looked up to see that Penny was standing next to him.

"Oh, hi," he said, then went back to typing. "I'm working on a few ideas for future experiments," he added as he continued to work.

"Like what?" Penny asked, looking over his shoulder at the bewildering array of equations and formulas on his laptop.

"Just some ideas," Leonard answered vaguely. "I think I know a way to implement molecular nanotechnology now instead of 15 years from now. We can use it to help in manufacturing some high-efficiency solar panels I've been designing. Oh," he looked up and smiled at her. "Plus, I figured out how to make the RF resonant cavity thruster even more efficient!"

"Wow," Penny said, impressed. She had no idea what Leonard was talking about. "Pretty neat."

"Thanks," Leonard said, distractedly. "The nanotech should really be useful in significantly advancing both our advanced space program and biomedical research. I just have to figure out how I'm going to release this information without anyone tracing it back to me."

Penny shook her head, confused. "Um, why would you do that? Don't you want to be recognized for those accomplishments?"

Leonard stopped typing and looked at her. "I'm already being recognized for the Millennium Prizes—they've confirmed three already, and the last two will be confirmed within another week or so. That's five million dollars!" He grinned excitedly at her. "Do you know what that means?!"

"It means I better give you the number of my financial advisor," Penny told him.

"You're right," Leonard agreed. "But anyway, it means we're financially set for life! With that, and with tenure, I don't need to worry about having to go anywhere else for work, unless we want to!"

"That's really wonderful, Leonard," Penny agreed.

Something in her tone made Leonard pause. "I'm sensing a 'but' coming," he said, apprehensively.

"I just wonder what this is going to do our friends," Penny pointed out. "We haven't heard from any of them for the past few weeks. Bernadette's told me that Howard is still steamed at you, and you and Sheldon are barely speaking these days."

"I know," Leonard sighed, closing his laptop. "Listen," he told her. "I figured out some time ago why I've been able to write these advanced papers and stuff. I thought at first I had finally hit my stride, but I realized that I probably _wished_ for the increased intelligence I have now."

Penny nodded. "That makes sense," she agreed. "So now that you've figured that out, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know what I _can_ do," Leonard shrugged helplessly. "I can't pull back my papers—three of the Millennium Prizes have already been confirmed, and I'm getting a lot of positive feedback on my physics articles. There's no way to stop any of that now."

"Well, there _might_ be a way," Penny suggested, giving him a knowing look.

"You mean with witchcraft," Leonard said. Penny nodded. "I don't know," he muttered. "It seems like everything is just too _big_ to call it all back."

"Maybe," Penny said, uncertainly. "I'm not sure. I'll talk to Bernadette, see what she thinks."

"Okay," Leonard nodded, then did a double-take. "What-what-what do you mean, you'll talk to Bernadette? What could she do?"

"Oh." Penny hadn't intended to let Leonard in on that secret so soon. "Um, well, I kind of helped Bernadette become a witch."

"What?!" Leonard gasped. "Bernadette's a witch now?! Why would you do that?! You know Howard wanted to force you to give him stuff so he wouldn't reveal to anyone that you're a witch!"

"I did," Penny nodded. "That's why I helped Bernadette become one. And we took care of Howard—now he thinks all that was just a dream."

"That's not going to solve the problem!" Leonard said. "Howard's not an idiot, he's going to figure it out again at some point! And what about Raj and Sheldon? They both still know you're a witch, too! And Emily's a witch!" Leonard shook his head, almost in a daze. "I mean, what are the three of you going to do next—start a coven and run around Pasadena fighting evil with your magic?!"

"So what if we did?!" Penny snapped. "It would be better than what you're doing—using your intelligence to make money and fame for yourself!"

"I'm using my intelligence to help _everybody_!" Leonard shouted. "Starting with myself, I guess," he added, in a calmer voice. He pointed at his laptop. "But the work I'm doing now will benefit the world, not just you and me! If you three begin running around fighting evil that's just the plot of _Charmed_!"

"Well, if that's what the three of us want to do, we'll do it, and you can't stop us, Leonard Hofstadter!" Penny fumed, then vanished with a loud crack of thunder, shaking the lab.

"Oh yeah?!" Leonard yelled. "Well—good for you, then!" He stood there for several seconds, not knowing what to do next, then turned to sit down in front of his computer.

"And _another_ thing," Penny said as she appeared out of thin air, startling him. "I got a callback from Kevin Smith a couple of weeks ago to audition for _Clerks 3_, and I'm seriously considering doing it now! What do you think about _that_?!"

"I think you should do whatever makes you feel happy and fulfilled!" Leonard snapped, annoyed.

"Good!" Penny yelled back. "I will!" She disappeared.

"Good!" Leonard shouted into the air. "I'm glad for you!" He turned back to his computer again—

Penny appeared again. "And I think _you_ ought to do whatever makes you happy and fulfilled, too!" she shouted at him.

"Good! I will!"

"Good!" Penny vanished again.

He waited for several seconds, almost expecting Penny to return. "Great job, Hofstadter," he muttered to himself, when she didn't. "You'd think after eight years of knowing one another we could do this without shouting." He sighed and sat down in front of his computer again, returning to his writing.

**=ooo=**

_4:30 p.m.—  
_Sheldon entered the coffee house at precisely 4:30 p.m., stepping inside and looking around tentatively. It had been five years since he'd been here; ironically, he and Amy had never returned to this place after their first meeting. It did not seem much changed, Sheldon's eidetic memory informed him: the tables were arranged in the same way, and the pastry displays were very similar to what they had been in 2010. Even the servers were familiar, though it could have been that their uniforms hadn't changed—Sheldon didn't bother to remember people's faces, as the vast majority of them didn't interest him.

Amy didn't seem to be here yet, though Sheldon detected the faint aroma of Head and Shoulders, her latest foray into the world of dandruff shampoos, in the air. She had either been here and left, or he had not seen her yet. Sheldon hoped it was the latter, though the coffee house was not that large.

"Sir," a girl behind a counter called to him. "May I get something for you?"

"Perhaps," Sheldon said, stepping closer. "Have you seen a young woman, about five-feet-four-inches, with straight brown hair, waiting in here?"

"Um," the server said, "yes, actually. She ordered two lemonades, paid for them, and said she would pick them up after she returned from the restroom." She pointed to two cups on the counter. "Here they are."

"Oh, good," Sheldon said. "She remembered." He started to walk away.

"Sir?" the girl called out again. "Don't you want the lemonades?"

"Do you have any latex gloves back there?" Sheldon asked.

The girl blinked. "Er, no."

"Then I'll wait," Sheldon said. As he turned he came upon Amy, who was putting on a latex glove. "Oh, hello Amy," he said.

"Hello, Sheldon," she replied, picking up one of the lemonades with her gloved hand and the other with her bare hand. She followed Sheldon to a table where she placed the lemonade from her gloved hand in front of him. "There you are," she said. "I had them make it just the way you like it, with real lemons and organic honey."

"Thank you, Amy," Sheldon said, taking a sip of the lemonade. "Ah, refreshing!" he said. "You know, it's hard to find a place that serves lemonade made with honey these days."

"I know," Amy agreed. "Fortunately, I still had some honey from the last time I made it for you," she pulled a half-empty jar from her purse to show him.

"You're so thoughtful," Sheldon said, smiling. "So, have you decided to give up on this mad distemper and reinstate our relationship agreement?"

"Sheldon, the relationship agreement has not been nullified," Amy said. "I am just rethinking my priorities."

"You realize we've missed two Date Nights," Sheldon pointed out. "Those are on you; I am not under any contractual obligation to retroactively honor them—"

"_Sheldon_," Amy put up a hand, silencing him. "I don't care about the missed Date Nights! What I care about is _us_, and I want to know, right now, where you think our relationship is going. And I _don't_ want to hear about terms and conditions or any of that other nonsense—I want you to tell me what you want from me, _now_, or I'm walking out that door and you and I are never seeing each other again!"

Her voice had risen until it carried throughout the coffee shop; everyone in the shop was looking at them. "I see," Sheldon said, taking a napkin and wiping his mouth. "All right, then." He reached into his pocket, pulling out a small box, and held it up before him. "Does this tell you what I want?" he opened the box, revealing the ring.

"Ohh, my," Amy gasped (as did several other women in the coffee shop). "Oh, Sheldon," she smiled, melting inside.

"Amy Farrah Fowler," Sheldon said, getting down on one knee next to her. He took the ring out of the box and placed it on her left hand. "Will you marry me?"

Amy stared at the ring, then at Sheldon, in shock. "Sheldon," she whispered. "Are you really proposing to me?"

Sheldon nodded. "I really am. Will you?"

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Amy cried, leaning over and hugging him. The coffee shop exploded into applause.

"Um, okay," Sheldon said, uncomfortable with the hug and the applause—his enochlophobia was beginning to kick in, even though there were probably less than 36 adults in the shop.

Amy let him go, positively quivering with excitement. "I can hardly wait to tell all our friends," she gushed. She suddenly lowered her voice. "Do you think we can talk Penny into sending us to Rio de Janeiro for our honeymoon? I've always wanted to see Brazil!"

That was a sore point for Sheldon. "I don't think so," he said, shaking his head. "Since Leonard and Penny betrayed me a few weeks ago I've barely spoken to either of them."

"I don't understand," Amy said, confused. "You told me that Penny was a—"

"I know what I said," Sheldon interrupted. "The problem is with Leonard. He insisted he somehow increased his own intelligence using what he calls 'wishcraft,' and has been writing papers in advanced mathematics and physics. He's even solved five Millennium Prize problems."

"Oh, my," Amy said. "Aren't those worth a million dollars apiece?"

"Yes," Sheldon said, dejectedly. "I'm afraid he's on the fast track for a Nobel as well. The university has already given him tenure and a private office on the top floor of the physics building!"

"Oh, Sheldon, I'm sorry," Amy said, commiserating with him. "Do Raj and Howard know about this?"

"Yes, but I haven't spoken with them about it in any detail since we confronted Leonard in the cafeteria a couple of weeks ago," Sheldon said, starting to become upset. His proposing to Amy had gotten him all worked up, and thinking about Leonard getting all the accolades and rewards _he_ should be getting was intolerable! "I don't know what I'm going to do about this, Amy!"

"We'll think of something," Amy said, rubbing his arm sympathetically, smiling as Sheldon barely flinched at her touch. "For now, let's plan to have everyone over tonight to tell them the good news! Do you want to set a date for our wedding?"

Sheldon thought for a moment. It might have been the fructose in the honey getting him all jazzed up, but he waved an arm magnanimously. "Whenever you decide," he said.

"Really?" Amy beamed. "How about tonight? We can drive to Vegas after we announce our engagement, and come home as Mr. and Mrs. Sheldon Cooper!"

Sheldon hesitated a moment. That was a _big_ change in his life. But he'd already gone through the rabbit hole, he realized, when he'd bought the ring. Getting married today would also show his two ex-friends that he and Amy were _still_ a better couple than they were!

"All right," Sheldon agreed. "Except it will be Dr. and Dr. Cooper," he pointed out, already plotting to release his own article tonight, synchronized with the announcement of their engagement. Even if he couldn't beat Leonard to the Nobel Prize, he could at least get married before him!

**=ooo=**

_That evening, in apartment 4A—  
_Leonard was sitting in his usual chair staring at a text on his cell phone when there was a knock on the front door. He stood and walked over to open it, finding Penny there, holding her cell phone as well. "Oh, hi," he said, a little uncomfortably, the argument they'd had earlier still on his mind. "What's up?"

"I got this weird message from Sheldon," Penny said, holding up her phone. "It says to meet in your apartment at eight p.m. for a big announcement. Do you know what's going on?"

"No," Leonard shook his head. "I just hope he isn't planning on doing something stupid."

"Like what?" Penny asked, coming into the apartment.

"Like trying to blow up my brain or something because I won those Millennium Prizes," Leonard muttered. He shut the door, only to have someone else knock on it before he could walk away. He opened the door again to find Howard and Bernadette standing there.

"What's going on?" Howard wanted to know. Bernadette was smiling but he didn't look very happy to be there. "We got a message from Sheldon telling us to come over." He glanced at Leonard. "I kind of hoped Sheldon was gone to announce he was taking another train trip."

"Howie, be nice," Bernadette said as they stepped inside.

"Well, a guy's gotta have dreams," Howard muttered.

"We don't know any more than you do," Penny said, shrugging.

Before Howard could shut the door Raj walked in. "Hey, buddy," Howard said in greeting. "How's it going?"

"Fine," Raj said curtly, not looking at Howard.

"Bernie and I thought you and Emily were coming over tonight for dinner earlier, what happened?" Howard asked.

"Why?" Raj snapped. "Do we need to make reservations with you now?"

Howard and Bernadette looked at each other. "No," Howard said. "We just wondered—"

"Well, don't worry, nothing happened, stop badgering me about it!" Raj said, speaking rapidly. He walked away from Howard toward the refrigerator, leaving him staring after Raj.

In spite of the lingering tension between them, Leonard and Penny exchanged a look. Raj's behavior suggested there was something he wanted to say, but wasn't sure how to bring it up. But before either of them could question Raj on what was going on, the apartment door opened again and Sheldon and Amy came in. "Hello," Sheldon said, seeing everyone.

"Ames!" Penny cried, happy to see Amy again. She and Bernadette both ran over to give Amy a hug. "We missed you!"

"I missed you too," Amy nodded. "Wait'll you hear—"

"Amy," Sheldon warned. "That's not the way we rehearsed this."

"Sorry, Sheldon," Amy said, quieting down.

Sheldon nodded, then cleared his throat and poised himself to speak—

"WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!" Amy shouted before Sheldon could say anything. Amy held out her hand, showing everyone the engagement ring. Everyone clustered around them, admiring the ring, hugging Amy and shaking Sheldon's hand.

"This is fantastic!" Leonard said excitedly. "I'm really happy for you, Sheldon!"

"Thank you, Leonard," Sheldon replied coolly.

"Have you set a date yet?" Penny asked, teasingly.

"Yes," Amy nodded. "_Tonight_! We're leaving after this to go to Vegas and get married!"

"Really?" Penny and Leonard looked at one another, surprised. "Don't you think that's a little quick?" Penny asked.

"_You two_ were going to Las Vegas to get married," Sheldon pointed out.

"But we've been engaged for a _year_ now, Sheldon," Leonard countered. "We've had time to _think_ about things before we ran off—"

"Quiet, Leonard," Amy elbowed him in the side. Leonard shut up.

"Yes, Leonard," Sheldon agreed, starting to look upset. "Why would you want to take this away from me as well? You've already taken away just about everything I aspired to in life! You have money now, the university has given you tenure and your own top-floor office, and you're well on your way to a Nobel Prize. The least you could do is let me have Amy and what's left of my dignity."

"You're lucky, dude," Raj had not joined the others around Sheldon and Amy—he was slumped in one of the living room chairs. "At least you still _have_ a girlfriend!"

"Oh, no, what happened?" Penny asked.

"She dumped me!" Raj burst into tears. "One moment we were so happy together—the next, she was gone!"

"I told you he'd blow it," Howard whispered to Bernadette.

"I heard that!" Raj cried. "Way to twist the knife in, Howard!"

"Look, I'm sorry, Raj," Howard apologized. "So what happened?"

Raj opened his mouth, then realized how the thing with him and Cinnamon was going to sound and said, "Never mind what happened! She left me and I'm devastated by it!"

Sheldon walked over to where Raj was sitting. "Raj, I want you to know I'm very sorry to hear things didn't work out with your girlfriend."

"Thank you, Sheldon," Raj murmured.

"And if you think it would help, you're welcome to accompany Amy and me to Vegas for our wedding and honeymoon."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Amy was between Sheldon and Raj in a moment. "No he's not! Sheldon, this is _our_ moment! You are _not_ outsourcing your wedding to an Indian!"

"Rats," Sheldon pouted.

"Don't you two _get it_?!" Raj whined. "Emily left me! She just packed up her broom and left!"

"What kind of crack is that?" Howard asked. " 'Packed up her broom?' What do you think she is, your maid?" He glanced at Bernadette. "That _was_ the correct response, wasn't it?" Bernadette just glared at him.

"No, dude, I told you—she's a witch." Raj said.

"Say what?" Howard sputtered.

"Oh, balls," Penny muttered.

"No she's not!" Bernadette insisted.

"What, you knew she was?!" Amy gasped. "I thought _Penny_ was the witch!"

"Penny's a WITCH?!" Howard shouted, looking at Penny in shock. "Everybody calm down!" Leonard said loudly, trying to restore order.

"I _knew_ this wasn't going to work!" Sheldon fumed. "Leonard, once again you've ruined things for everyone with your inability to keep a secret!"

"MY inability to keep a secret?!" Leonard bellowed. "_Your picture_ is in the dictionary next to the phrase, 'Can't keep a secret'! And besides, Raj is the one who just said Penny's a witch!"

"Did you KNOW Penny was a witch?" Howard was asking Bernadette. "When were you going to tell me?"

"I already did!" Bernadette shot back. "You didn't handle it very well!"

"Well, it's not something you'd expect to hear when talking about your friends!"

"How about when you're talking about your _wife_?!"

"ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!" Penny shouted. "Everybody FREEZE!"

Everyone in the room stopped moving except Penny and Bernadette.

"Well, this turned out to be _quite_ a get-together," Bernadette said, sarcastically.

"Well, we had this all worked out until Sheldon and Amy suddenly decided to get married," Penny complained. "When did they even get back together?"

"Maybe they just pretended to break up," Bernadette suggested.

"No," Penny disagreed. "Sheldon was really broken up about Amy being gone. That's why this sudden urge to get married is strange. If I didn't know Sheldon and Amy were in love I'd think one of my relatives put a love spell on them or something…" her voice trailed off as she considered another possibility.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Bernadette asked.

"I think so," Penny nodded, then looked up at the ceiling. "Emily!"

The name hung in the air for several seconds before Emily popped in, giving Penny an annoyed look. "What do _you_ want?" she demanded.

"Did you put a spell on Sheldon and Amy to make them want to get married?" Penny asked, tartly. She and Emily still weren't on good terms.

"No," Emily said, like that should be obvious. "What do I care what those two mortals do?

"Fine," Penny shrugged. "But what's the deal with you leaving Raj? I thought you two were getting along great."

"He turned out to be like most mortal men are—a pig," Emily said. "He wanted to have sex—with his dog!"

"Oh, my," Bernadette breathed. "That's awful!"

"Wait a minute," Penny objected. "Did you turn her into a human before he wanted to sleep with her?"

"What difference does _that_ make?" Emily hedged.

"All the difference in the world!" Penny exploded. "You set him up!"

"Of course I set him up!" Emily flared back. "I wanted to prove he would sink to a new low, even for a mortal male. It's not my fault he lived down to my expectations!"

"You know we have bigger problems to deal with than just Raj's sex life?" Bernadette pointed out.

"Yeah," Penny grudgingly agreed. "Fine. Let me just bring Leonard out of it." She snapped her fingers in front of his face, canceling the time stop spell on him.

"ALL RIGHT EVERYONE!" Leonard shouted the moment he could move. "LET'S JUST SETTLE—" his voice dropped to almost a whisper as he realized he was the only one talking "—down?" Leonard looked around, confused for a moment. "What happened?"

"I froze everyone," Penny said. "Things were getting entirely out of hand."

"I agree," Leonard said. He looked at the others frozen around him. "Maybe you can unfreeze them one at a time and we can talk to them, make them understand why your being a witch needs to be kept secret—"

"No use," Emily butted in. "Mortals can't help themselves—they've got to talk about their juicy little secrets sooner or later. Fortunately, when they try to expose one of us as a witch or warlock, most of the time people think they're drunk or loony or something."

"So what do you suggest we do?" Penny asked.

Emily looked around at the frozen figures of Raj, Howard, Amy, and Sheldon. "We make them forget we're witches. It's probably safer that way, given that I'm not going to see Raj anymore, and Howard would try to find a way to scam on us if he remembered."

Leonard looked uneasy. "I'm not comfortable taking people's memories from them…"

"It's better in the long run," Emily insisted. "Look, Leonard, from what I've seen, you're the only one in this group who was able to handle a significant other being a witch. Everyone else either forgot they knew the person or wanted something from them. That doesn't speak well of any of these mortals."

"I think she's right," Penny agreed. "We can be more careful in the future, avoid telling anyone about me or Bernadette." She looked at Emily. "You're not going to hang around now that you're not seeing Raj anymore? I think it would break his heart if he still had to see you after you dumped him, even if he doesn't remember you're a witch."

"I can fix that, too," Emily pointed out. "I'll just make Raj think of me as sort of a sister to him." She smiled. "Given how protective he is of his own sisters, he can be sort of like my mortal guardian angel."

Leonard listened to this conversation with growing unease. "But we haven't had to do anything like this before," he pointed out.

"Things haven't been this bad before," Bernadette replied. "I'm new at this witch thing but I'm going with Penny and Emily on this."

Leonard waved his hands in front of him. "You do what you want," he said, backing away from the three of them. "I don't want any part of this!" He turned and walked out the door.

Penny, watching him go, sighed unhappily as the door slammed behind him. "Great," she muttered. "Well, I'll talk to him later. Let's get everyone squared away."

**=ooo=**

_Afterwards, in apartment 4B—  
_Leonard was sitting on the sofa, his smart phone in his hand when Penny entered her apartment. "Hi," she said quietly, sitting down next to him.

"Hi," he murmured in reply, not looking at her.

"Everything's taken care of," Penny said, wanting to explain what they'd done. "Nobody will remember that Bernadette, Emily or I are witches. When Raj sees Emily he will think of her like a sister instead of an "ex." Howard won't remember _anything_ about any of us being witches."

"What about Sheldon and Amy?" Leonard asked, setting his phone on the coffee table and turning to her. "Are they on their way to Vegas to get married?"

Penny looked away. "Well, no," she said. "We kind of thought they made that decision a little too hastily. We changed that so they're going to be engaged for a year before they revise the Engagement Agreement."

Leonard blinked disbelievingly. "You had them make an _Engagement Agreement_?!"

"Well, _yeah_." Penny smiled a bit deviously. "You know how much Sheldon loves writing agreements. It seemed perfectly reasonable at the time."

"Well, there is that," Leonard admitted. He picked up his phone and handed it to her. "Here."

"What?" she asked, accepting the phone. Leonard pointed to the display, which was showing his current savings account balance. The number read $3,000,579.32.

"That's my current bank balance," he said. The 597.32 was my life savings up until a few weeks ago. Now I've got three million and two more on the way."

"I know," Penny smiled, then leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm so proud of you!"

"I know," Leonard said, not looking at her. His voice was oddly distance. "But I've been thinking…"

Penny sat back. "Thinking about what?"

"About us." Leonard looked at her again. "You know I somehow wished this Brainiac thing I've got now onto me."

"Well, it didn't seem like something Endora would do to you."

"I thought about that as well," Leonard said. "It did cause a lot of friction between me and the guys. But I was able to remember wishing one night I was smart enough to figure everything out." He gave a small shrug. "Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

"If I had thought about it at the beginning I might have done things differently," he went on. "But I was too busy trying to catch up to you financially, to showing up Sheldon intellectually, and maybe wanting to impress my mother enough to make her take notice of me."

Penny was looking at him with growing concern. "Leonard, I'm not sure where you're going with all this…"

"When I left the apartment I came over here to think," Leonard pressed on. "To think about us, and where we've been going for the past eight years. We've been on, then off, then on again and off again. We've both been afraid of what this engagement means, and I've been going over every scenario I can think of for us to be together and be happy." He shook his head slowly. "I don't think we can."

"Leonard, what are you saying?" Penny asked, in a quivering voice.

"I'm saying—" Leonard stopped, took a deep breath, then continued. "I'm saying, I don't think we can do this."

"Leonard, no!" Penny gasped. "We _can_—"

"No." Leonard tapped the side of his head. "I can't think of any way for you and me to work out. We're too different. We've always been different."

"But we've always been attracted to one another!" Penny exclaimed. "At least, I've known you were always attracted to _me_—"

"That's true," Leonard agreed. "But you've never been truly happy with me."

"That's not true!" Penny objected. "I've been—I've been—" words were failing her. "Leonard, what you and I have is a better, more—_contented_—type of love!"

"Contented?" Leonard smiled sadly. "That's not really what you've wanted, is it?"

"I—" She wasn't explaining this right! "Leonard, I gave up a movie offer for you! Don't you understand how _important_ that used to be to me?!"

"If it really is that important to you," Leonard replied. "You ought to go for it. But if I were you, I'd try to work out of leave of absence from your pharmaceutical rep job, just in case things with the movie don't work out."

"They're _not_ going to work out!" Penny yelled. "Because I'm not going to do the movie! I already told Kevin Smith 'no' weeks ago! Don't you get it, Leonard?! I'm choosing _you_!"

"I really wish things could work out," Leonard said. "But the numbers don't lie." He got to his feet and walked to the door. "Penny, I'm really sorry, but I don't think we should be in each other's lives any more. We are doomed to fail, we've always been doomed to fail. I'm going to go now."

Leonard reached for the door, but Penny was somehow there before him, holding it closed. "Leonard—" she said, then reached out and hugged him.

He put his arms around her, holding her back. "Please, please, _please_ don't do this," she whispered in his ear, holding him even tighter. They were well past five Mississippis by now.

"I'm sorry," he said again, then kissed her cheek a last time. "I wish I knew how to fix this." He let her go and each of them suppressed a sob that threatened to escape. "Goodbye," Leonard murmured, then slipped through the door and was gone, leaving Penny alone.

**=ooo=**

**A/N: Okay, wow. I'll bet you didn't see that coming. To be concluded in the next and final chapter. Review and leave me any thoughts or comments you may have.**


	14. Interlude

.

**Interlude**

**Some Thoughts on Episode 13**

_Updated_ 6/14/2015

_Author's Notes—_

If you freaked out at the end of episode 13, thinking, "No WAY that could ever happen to Penny and Leonard!" you're probably not alone. I'm sure a lot of people watching the TV show are rooting for them. I am, too. Penny and Leonard look like a dream come true: a pretty, savvy small-town girl and a socially-awkward geeky guy meet and something clicks between them, drawing them slowly but inexorably together over time, until they finally realize they are in love. They get together and live happily ever after.

Okay, now let's get real.

Leonard and Penny are very different people. They have both changed over time, but it seems like that happened _despite_ their better judgements, not because of them. They both have flaws: Penny drinks too much. Leonard is a whiner. Penny is pushy. Leonard is a follower, not a leader, as evidenced by his eternal capitulation to Sheldon's whims and eccentricities. Penny only puts out 100 percent effort on things she's passionate about, and nothing else. She's convinced herself she's passionate about Leonard, but at one point she was ready to break up with him. Leonard lacks foresight, as indicated by his lack of retirement planning. Penny sometimes overreacts to a situation; in contrast, Leonard doesn't know when to _shut up_ about a situation, most notably over the kissing incident in the North Sea. Do we really expect these two to get married and _stay_ married, given these characteristics?

It's a hard call.

I really would like to see Leonard and Penny stay together for the rest of the TV show, but they are about due for another breakup, and the events in the last episode of season 8 may be the straw that breaks the camel's back. If they do break up in season 9, I don't think any hand-waving or smoke-and-mirror work by the production staff of BBT can put them back together afterwards without jumping the shark. That is, if they break up one more time, they're done. After you've broken up with a person _at least three times_, you might get a clue things aren't going to work out.

So, I don't think they'll break up in season 9, or at least it won't be called a _breakup_. I dearly hope they don't make the show jump the shark with a contrived situation that somehow breaks them up but gets them back together in an episode or two. If Penny and Leonard don't work things out in season 9 they are doomed to be apart forever.

As for the Witch-Bang Theory, we have one more episode / chapter to get through, and the one thing this story has got going for it is _magic_. That and Penny's witchy relatives, who aren't about to let anything bad happen to her if they can help it. Hopefully I can think up a reasonably satisfying ending to this tale. I'm starting on the final chapter after I post this short digression.

Thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts or comments on the story, this interlude, or how you think the story could / ought to end, leave me a comment in the reviews section.

John


	15. The Brainiac Conclusion

.

**Episode Fourteen**

**The Brainiac Conclusion**

_Concluded_ 6/26/2015

**=ooo=**

_June 26, 2015—_

Leonard stared at his laptop's display, reading the conclusion of his most recent paper on dark matter physics. The paper proposed several experiments designed to indirectly measure the dark matter content of the Milky Way galaxy using techniques he'd derived in several previous papers written during the months of May and June. If he was right (and Leonard was pretty sure he was), dark matter was the exotic material needed to make his own variant of the Alcubierre drive physically realizable. The Alcubierre drive, a theoretical method of achieving faster-than-light speeds, had been proposed in 1994 by Miguel Alcubierre. Leonard had taken his own ideas on dark matter and speculated on how they might be applied to the drive. The resultant paper, he felt, was a step in the right direction, though it would be a few decades before the technology necessary to build the drive would catch up to his physics.

Satisfied with his writing, Leonard filed the paper and shut down the laptop, standing and stretching to get the kinks out of his back and legs. He hadn't been doing much more in the past two months than eating, sleeping and writing, along with some time off to make the move to his own apartment. With Sheldon and Amy back together and planning their wedding, and his own breakup with Penny, he'd decided he needed to live somewhere else.

As it turned out, apartment 5A was currently unoccupied and apartment 5B had become available at the beginning of May. Leonard negotiated a very reasonable lease with the apartment owners for _both_ apartments in return for fronting them the money to have the building's elevator repaired, after only 12 years out of order. When the new elevator was put in he had a security system installed in it that only allowed access to the fifth floor through the elevator, and had contractors build a corridor in the fifth floor foyer that attached the two apartments via a narrow hallway. People could pass through the now-smaller foyer to reach the roof, but could not ride the elevator to the fifth floor without a key to access the security system. The added security was a concession to his superiors at Caltech, who had wanted him to move out of the apartment for safety reasons. They'd thought there would be problems with him and Dr. Cooper continuing to live in the same building after Leonard's newfound fame had catapulted him ahead of Sheldon, but he hadn't wanted to take that big a step just yet. Something, he wasn't sure just what, made him want to stay here.

Leonard made himself a cup of tea, taking a seat on his new leather sofa (on the left side, where Sheldon normally would sit if this was their apartment) and turned on his new Sony 79" 4K Ultra HD TV to watch an episode of _Babylon 5_ from his Sony 400-disc Blu-ray mega-changer, the sound running through his 7.1-channel 260 watt-per-channel receiver.

After a few minutes, however, he turned off the TV, bored. _Babylon 5_ no longer really interested him anymore. In fact, none of the shows he used to like were interesting anymore. Even _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ seemed silly to him now; he remembered how much he'd loved that show when it was on, and well after it had gone off the air. All that seemed quite remote and unimportant to him now. Now, all he did was write paper after paper on highly advanced topics in physics, mathematics, and information theory. It was all very important and would one day transform the world into a post-Singularity utopia, something Sheldon had once worried that he would die before it could be achieved, well before the 2100 A.D. date he had calculated. Of course, being Sheldon, only the date that _he_ had calculated had been correct, though numerous other dates had been predicted. With the advances Leonard was bringing about, he estimated the Singularity could take place by around 2025 to 2030, only ten to 15 years from present day.

But _right now_ was the problem, and Leonard didn't know what to do with his boredom. "I know what it is," he said to himself. "It's obvious. I don't have anyone to _do_ anything with!"

It was true. The breakup with Penny had alienated him from all of his friends: Howard and Raj avoided him at work, eating with each other or with Sheldon and pointedly ignoring him whenever he entered the cafeteria these days. Penny, Bernadette and Emily had made everyone forget they were witches, but they still seemed to dislike _him_ for some reason.

In fact the only people that would associate with him were the senior members of the physics and mathematics departments, Dr. Gabelhauser, the physics department chair, or President Siebert himself; both of the latter two men mostly saw him as a highly desirable asset that was galvanizing their research fundraising and recruitment opportunities. No one was interested in discussing the more interesting aspects of dark matter research or the latest trends in cohomology theory.

He looked around his apartment. He'd had an interior decorator come in and give him suggestions on how to furnish and accessorize his apartment—he used 5A as his main living space—and he had set 5B up as a combination lab, library, and data center. It was like his Fortress of Solitude now, except that Leonard didn't have any superpowers except for his super-brain. He'd even had the door to 5B taken out of the foyer so the only access to the room was through the corridor adjoining the two apartments, and he'd hidden the door to the corridor behind a bookcase in 5A that was activated by a knob in a bust of Shakespeare sitting on a small table near the door, just like in the old Batman TV shows. It was kind of cool, actually, although he was fairly certain Penny would have told him he was using the word "cool" wrong.

Thinking of Penny invariably made him wonder if he'd done the right thing, breaking up with her. He'd gained a lot in the past few months—he had five million dollars in the bank now, minus the money he'd used to get the elevator fixed and his apartments redone, and his salary at Caltech was now well into six figures, reflecting his increased influence on the science being done there.

But he'd lost a lot as well—his family; his mother no longer spoke to him because he had "broken Sheldon's heart" in her words, and his brother and sister took their cues from Mommy dearest; his friends no longer spoke to him, at or away from work, and the only people who wanted to talk to him lately were either trying to recruit him away from Caltech or they wanted him as a guest lecturer at their university—Siebert and Gabelhauser were actually _marketing_ him on the Caltech website! He'd even been approached by the NSA, the FBI and the CIA (though that last one was iffy—he wasn't sure whether the guy who'd approached him in the Caltech parking lot was a spook or just a homeless guy looking for a handout).

A sudden knock on the door startled Leonard. Who could be here? Only a few people had the key to the elevator—Dr. Siebert and the president of the company that had installed his security system. Someone could have walked up from the fourth floor, but only a few people knew he still lived here; his mail was now delivered to a P.O. Box that was picked up daily and delivered to his office at Caltech.

Leonard went over to the door and looked through the peephole, staring at the pretty brunette he saw on the other side. He recognized the face, but it couldn't be _her_—! Leonard opened the door. "Hello!" he said, surprised. "I didn't expect to see you!"

"Hello, Dr. Hofstadter," Alex Jensen replied, smiling at him. "I'm sorry to show up unannounced, but I have some good news and I wanted you to hear it from me first. May I come in?"

"Sure," Leonard said, beaming at her as she entered the apartment. "This is a pleasant surprise, I must say! So — so what's the good news you have? Oh! I have some tea, would you like a cup?"

"That would be very nice, thank you," Alex said, taking a seat on the couch Leonard offered to her.

He quickly fixed her a cup and brought it over, along with some packets of Sweet'n Low. "I remembered you take this in your tea," he murmured.

"Why, thank you, Dr. Hofstadter," Alex said, taking the packets as she smiled at him. "It's nice of you to remember."

Leonard smiled shyly at the compliment. "So," he said, settling on the couch next to her as she added the packets to her tea. "What's the good news you're here to give me, Alex?"

"Well, as you know," Alex began. "When I finished assisting Dr. Cooper with his work—"

"Yeah," Leonard added, "You mean the work where he had you comb through his old papers and recording of him sleeping at night, but never had you help him with anything a doctoral candidate should be working on?"

"Oh, you noticed that, too?" Alex nodded ruefully. "Anyway, I reapplied for a position at Fermilab and they accepted me, and I've been working there for the past two years on their Dark Energy Survey project.

"I've heard that was very interesting work," Leonard commented. "I've been getting into some aspects of dark matter research myself."

"I know," Alex nodded, shifting so she was facing him more directly. "That's why I'm here."

"Really?" Leonard smiled, wondering where this was going.

"Yes," she agreed. "Dr. Siebert contacted me a few weeks ago and offered me a position at Caltech in its new Dark Matter Physics department. Apparently Dr. Cooper's recent work on dark matter has been generating interest in that field."

"Oh." Leonard sat back. "So you would be going back to work for Sheldon?" he asked, feeling a little disappointed.

"Not exactly," Alex told him. "Dr. Siebert told me he planned to make _you_ the Head of the new department. That was the only reason I agreed to come back to Caltech."

"_Me_?" Leonard was stunned. "I—I don't know what to say, Alex. Dr. Siebert hasn't said anything about this to me!"

"I know," Alex told him. "Dr. Siebert is going to announce it next Monday morning.

Leonard shook his head, almost in a daze. "I'm—I'm—well, I'm speechless. I don't know what to say!"

Alex smiled at him. "How about saying, 'Welcome aboard, Alex'?"

Leonard gave her a wide, pleased grin. "Welcome aboard, Alex! I mean, Dr. Jensen!"

"Thank you, Dr. Hofstadter," Alex beamed back, and the two shook hands. Alex held his hand for a long time after they finished shaking. Leonard counted to four Mississippis before she let go.

"Well," Alex said, a little flustered as she put down her cup of tea. "I'd better get back to my hotel room. I found an apartment not far from here and my furniture is due to arrive tomorrow afternoon. Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity, Dr. Hofstadter!"

"I didn't have much to do with it," Leonard admitted. "And you can call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is still my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat."

"Thank you, Leonard, " Alex said, standing, and they walked over to the door where she shook his hand again. She hesitated a moment before speaking again. "Before I go," she said slowly. "I think I ought to ask: will you and me working together cause any problems between you and your girlfriend?"

"Penny and I broke up a few months ago," Leonard answered.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Alex said. But a small smile briefly crossed her lips. "I really am looking forward to working with you," she said happily, looking into his eyes for a long moment before turning to leave.

"I'm looking forward to it too, Alex," Leonard said, waving as she closed the door behind her. "What a great girl," he murmured to herself. "I hope she won't be _too_ disappointed, now that she's not working for the crazy train this time."

**=ooo=**

Penny was sitting on her couch, staring at the bottle of wine and empty glass on the coffee table in front of her. She was considering having a drink before the other girls got there for their "witches' night out." Well, not really _out_, per se. They could go anywhere in the world they wanted, of course, but Penny wasn't really in the mood that night. She hadn't been in the mood for several weeks now. Ever since Leonard had dumped her.

On the one hand, she'd been told more than once that drinking alone wasn't good, it was a sign of alcohol abuse. On the other hand, she reasoned, if she drank alone she didn't have to share with anyone. "What the hell?" she muttered, and gestured at the wine bottle with one finger. The bottle lifted into the air, tipped over and poured wine into the glass until it was nearly full. It floated back to the coffee table and the wine glass lifted into the air, floating into her waiting hand. She took a sip and sighed. "Nice," she murmured, taking another sip. If one sip was good, two was better. And three would be—

There was a knock at her door. "Come in, Bernadette," she said, and the diminutive blonde stepped through the door. Without opening it.

"I can't get over being able to do that," she said, a wide smile on her lips. "How are you doing?" she asked, seeing Penny already with a full wine glass in her hand.

"I just got started," Penny said, gesturing to the sofa. "Come on in and take a load off."

"Emily's not here yet?" Bernadette asked, sitting down and conjuring up a bottle of mineral water for herself. After Emily's breakup with Raj, she had starting visiting Penny more often, finding that without him in the picture she really didn't hate Penny all that much, nor did Penny bear a grudge against her.

"Not yet," Penny said, finishing off her glass of wine. "So," she said to Bernadette, putting her empty glass on the coffee table. "What do you think we should do tonight?"

"I don't know," Bernadette said, a little uncomfortably. "You don't plan on getting drunk and dropping balloons filled with Sneezing Potion on people below again, do you?" Penny had done that the last time they had a night out, after rambling on for an hour or so how glad she was to be free of Leonard.

"Nope," Penny shook her head emphatically. "He's out of my system forever, now. I don't need to talk about him ever again." At that moment Emily appeared, passing through the wall where the three-by-four-foot picture of Penny and Amy still hung.

"Hi Penny, hi Bernadette," Emily said, then turned and looked at the picture she'd just passed through. "Hi, Amy. Hi, Caitlin," she said to the picture.

"Very funny," Penny commented. "I can't help it that the guy that painted that picture made me look like a dude with long blonde hair!"

"Well, it's not bad," Emily grinned. "I think she and the chick in the picture will be very happy together."

"I ought to get rid of it," Penny muttered, pouring herself another glass of wine.

"Why don't you?" Bernadette asked. "Does Amy even come over here anymore?"

"She's been over a couple of times," Penny shrugged. "Mostly only to ask if I'll pick up Sheldon's mail when he and she go off on a weekend together. I think they're going on one this weekend. Otherwise, she doesn't come over to see me anymore."

"It could be worse," Emily reminded her. "What if you and Bernadette had let her and Sheldon run off to Vegas to get married?"

"Don't remind me." Penny shuddered a bit at that thought. "At least now they're thinking things through instead of just running off to elope."

"Eloping would have been romantic," Bernadette said dreamily. "Howie and I almost did that."

"And Amy almost had a _fit_," Penny pointed out. "You were going to ruin _her_ day."

"Yeah." Bernadette took a contemplative sip of her water. "Well, our wedding did turn out pretty good, even though we came this close Sheldon reading our vows in Klingon."

"_That_ would have been hilarious," Penny chuckled.

"No, it wouldn't," Bernadette disagreed feelingly. "Howie was ready to let him do it, too! I'm just glad he had to go up on the International Space Station right after the wedding or I never would have heard the end of that!"

"So what are we doing tonight?" Emily asked. "Do you want to go somewhere?"

"I dunno…" Penny said indifferently, taking another drink.

"Come on," Emily said, trying to sound excited. "We need to get you out of here and somewhere interesting! What about going to see Mount Kilauea erupt? I hear it's pretty spectacular."

Penny thought for a second. "No, it would just remind me of Sheldon spouting off about Leonard." She pointed to the apartment door. "You know I can hear him complaining from _here_?"

"All the more reason for you to get out of here!" Emily urged her.

"Yes, why don't you get out and do something, instead of sitting around and drinking all the time," Endora's disembodied voice suddenly came from all around them.

"Oh, great," Penny muttered under her breath. Aloud, she said, "Hello, Endora, why don't you join us?"

Endora appeared in her usual green and purple witch's robes. "Why thank you, dear! Hello, Emily," she said to the other red-headed witch, then looked at Bernadette. "And here's the newest addition to our little family…"

"Hello, Endora," Bernadette said in a meek voice. It was the first time she had actually met Penny's step-grandmother. "I'm pleased to meet you."

"Yes, yes, of course, dear," Endora waved off the introduction. "Now," she said briskly, clapping her hands together. "What shall we do to have some fun tonight?"

Bernadette and Emily looked at one another. They hadn't quite counted on having an older witch along for the ride. "Um, well, Emily just suggested visiting a volcano…" Bernadette began.

"Oh, don't be silly," Endora scoffed. "We need to hit the night spots! There's a wonderful little place in Casablanca I know, the warlock who runs it is an old friend of mine named Rick…"

"Alright, enough!" Penny cut her off. "I am officially not interested in going somewhere tonight!" Endora and the girls stared as Penny worked herself into a snit. "And this is _not_ a pity party! I'm an adult and I've broken up with guys plenty of times before this! I don't want anybody thinking I can't handle this because—" she sniffed audibly. "—because I-I cannn…" her last words trailed off into tears. Bernadette leaned over and hugged her.

"It's alright," Bernadette whispered to her.  
"I know," Penny sniffed, taking another drink of wine. "Thank you…"

Endora had had enough. "Alright, granddaughter, now you listen to me," she said, shaking a finger at Penny. "I know more than most witches do about situations like this. You know my own daughter Samantha married a mortal over 50 years ago, and we had our share of problems with him.

"But one thing we did learn was that Darwin and Samantha were very much in love, and they managed to deal with all the problems their mixed marriage caused."

Penny looked up at her. "Weren't most of the problems caused by _you_?"

"_I_ was merely trying to show Samantha the error of her ways," Endora hedged. After a moment she relented. "But you're right—I did give Dobkin a hard time over the years. But he took it, and do you know why?"

"Because he loved his wife?" Emily ventured.

"Correct," Endora agreed. "And you love Lumpkin, isn't that true?"

"It's Leonard," Penny corrected. "But—yes, I still love do love him. But he broke up with _me_!"

"What difference does that make?" Endora asked. "Are you a witch or not?"

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Penny asked.

"It means you can make things happen to help bring you two back together," Endora pointed out. She turned to Emily. "And _you_, missy! That was a very cruel thing you did to your mortal boyfriend—(although I do admit it was rather hilarious)—and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Yeah," Emily agreed, hanging her head in shame. "I probably shouldn't have turned Raj's dog into a woman and offered to have a three-way with him."

"Ewww," Bernadette said. She'd heard it before but the idea was still pretty creepy. "She didn't happen to look like a 200-pound Sailor Moon, did she?"

Emily gave her an odd look. "No," she said. "She was very beautiful, in fact."

"Regardless," Endora interrupted. "Inclinations toward bestiality aside, you still have feelings for him, do you not?"

Emily sighed. "Yes," she admitted. "I do."

"Then you should get back together with him," Endora declared.

Penny was staring at her step-grandmother. "You know, I had a talk with your daughter Samantha not long ago. She told me you were always trying to break her and her husband up. Now you're trying to get me and Emily back together with our mortal boyfriends. What's up with _that_?"

"Well," Endora waved a hand airily. "Perhaps I've seen the error of my earlier ways," she shrugged. "It might be that I've realized that true love trumps issues like witches marrying only their own kind. True love is the most important thing a man and woman can share together."

Penny folded her arms across her chest. "Nope," she said slowly. "That doesn't sound like you at all."

Endora gave her an irritated look. "Or perhaps I'm just bored and wanted to give you some reason to get out of here and find some place where we can party."

Penny shrugged. "Okay, _that's_ more like you! Let's get going. I'll deal with getting back together with Leonard later."

Emily smiled. "And Raj and me can wait one more night."

"Then it's settled!" Endora beamed. "It's off to Rick's place for drinks and dancing! Perhaps we can coax a few songs from his piano player, Sam! We might even persuade him to play 'As Time Goes By'—but only if Rick's not around."

"What's wrong with that song?" Bernadette asked, as everyone stood and prepared to pop out.

"Well," Endora said slyly. "I'm afraid I broke his heart over that song." She made a flourish and the four witches disappeared from Penny's apartment.

**=ooo=**

"How's the meatloaf, Stuart?" Bernadette asked as she and Howard began dinner earlier that evening.

"Wonderful," Stuart said. "And I'm not saying that just because I came home early to make sure I wouldn't miss it," he added.

Bernadette and Howard glanced at one another. Bernadette made a "go-ahead, ask him" gesture with her head toward Stuart. Howard, who had lost the argument last night about who would speak to Stuart this time about moving out, smiled across the table at him. "Speaking about missing things," he began. "How are things going looking for an apartment for yourself?"

Stuart put on a pensive look. "Well, I've gotten a few nibbles," he said, tentatively. "There are some places out in Glendale that look promising."

"Isn't Glendale a little pricey for your budget?" Howard asked.

Stuart shrugged. "Well, not if I cut out a few luxuries—cable, hot water, things like that."

"Oh, Stuart," Bernadette said empathetically. "We want you to be comfortable."

"Well, thank you, Bernadette," Stuart smiled. The expression made his face look—strange—somehow. "But no place is ever going to be as comfortable as you two have made this place for me."

"Why, thank you," Bernadette said, feeling sick inside. Stuart was doing it _again_—finding a way to twist the situation around whenever they tried to talk to him about moving out! In the past several weeks she'd been tempted to simply zap him into an apartment with her rapidly improving magic. But, doing that might arouse suspicions in Howard, who no longer had any knowledge of her being a witch.

"I really appreciate it," Stuart said, finishing off the food on his plate. He stood, picking up his empty plate and cup. "I'll just rinse these off and put them in the dishwasher," he said. "Great idea getting one, by the way, but I've been happy to wash your dishes since I've been here."

"I know," Bernadette said, trying to keep irritation out of her tone. "But it's easier on all of us…"

"When you're right, you're right," Stuart said, heading into the kitchen. "Oh!" he said through the door. "I brought home some chocolate cake, by the way! Who wants a piece? And a glass of cold milk to wash it down?"

"Maybe later," Howard said, giving Bernadette a "what-now?" look.

Bernadette shrugged helplessly. "I don't know what _you're_ going to do, but I'm heading to Penny's."

**=ooo=**

_Monday, June 29, 2015—_

"Sheldon, do you think you will be able to go to lunch today?" Amy asked, as she pulled out of the Los Robles Apartments parking lot and onto North Los Robles Avenue.

"Amy!" Sheldon looked at her unhappily. "We've just returned from an exciting weekend of riding the Coast Starlight from here to Seattle and back, including a full dining car with meals provided by trained chefs for breakfast, lunch _and_ dinner!" He gave her a skeptical look. "After all that, do you really think lunch in the cafeteria has any appeal at all?"

"You're right, Sheldon," Amy agreed in a flat tone. "Not much here in Pasadena can compare to that, but I wish you had told me that your friend Eric was traveling with us." Eric was a disabled guy they'd met a year ago on a train ride to Napa Valley.

"Oh, that?" Sheldon gave a dismissive wave. "That was just a happy accident."

"Accident is right," Amy muttered resentfully. Eric had once again insinuated himself into their time together throughout the three-day trip to Seattle and back, following them around and swapping bits of train trivia with Sheldon. He had almost convinced Sheldon to take the trip again once they'd returned to LA, but Amy pointed out Caltech was expecting him back at work on Monday.

Sheldon had been quiet for some time now, which wasn't like him, Amy knew. He usually liked to play a game on the way into work. "What are you thinking about now?" she asked him.

Sheldon exhaled slowly. "I saw Penny this morning," he said, in a flat voice. "Before you came up. She came over to bring back my apartment key, _and_ to borrow some butter for her toast." Sheldon looked at her. "She's already getting all the free wifi she can handle, I don't know why she needs my butter, too. Fortunately I had a small container for just such an emergency."

"How was she?" Amy asked, concerned.

Sheldon thought a moment, the shrugged. "Disheveled, sleepy, a bit cranky, too—if you ask me, she's probably near her menses. Assuming, that is, that you and she are still synchronized."

Amy winced. "I don't know if that's true anymore," she hedged. "It's been some time." She glanced warily at him, wondering if she should ask the next question. "Did—did you talk to Leonard?"

"Why would I talk to Leonard?" Sheldon retorted in an annoyed tone. "He and I are no longer friends."

"I know, but you are still colleagues at the university—"

"No," Sheldon said emphatically. "Leonard has seen to _that_. He's now the golden child of the entire physics department, with money, tenure and a salary bigger than Raj, Howard, and mine combined. There's nothing he needs from us, and nothing we need from _him_."

"Perhaps," Amy persisted. "But you know—"

"I don't want to talk about it," Sheldon declared suddenly. "I think we need to play the Quiet Game now! First one to say anything loses!"

Amy sighed to herself. "Alright, Sheldon, I'll play your game."

Sheldon looked at her. "You spoke first. I win!"

**=ooo=**

_Noon, the cafeteria—_

Howard and Raj had just paid for their food in the cafeteria line when Howard recognized a woman walking into the dining area at the same time. "Hey, Alex!" he exclaimed. "It's good to see you again!"

Alex stopped and turned to him, smiling. "Oh, hi. It's Howard Wolowitz, right? It's good to see you!"

"Do you remember Raj?" Howard asked, nodding toward his friend.

"Dr. Koothrappali, yes," Alex said. She glanced at Howard. "Is he still unable to talk to women?" she asked.

"Oh, I can talk to women now," Raj put in quickly. "My only problem these days is trying not to say the wrong thing to my girlfriend so she will continue to have sex with me."

"I see," Alex said uncomfortably.

"May we join you for lunch?" Howard asked, looking around for an open table.

"Sure," Alex said. "Right over here." She led them over to a table. Howard stopped short when he saw who was sitting there. It was Leonard.

"Look who I found," Alex said to him.

"Good," Leonard stood as Alex approached the table and set her tray down. Howard and Raj weren't moving, clearly torn over whether to sit with them now or not. "Do you want to join us, guys?" Leonard asked them.

"What's she doing with _you_?" Howard demanded.

"We're going to be working together," Leonard said, stiffly. "Dr. Siebert offered her a job here in a new department focusing on dark matter research."

"Interesting," Raj muttered. "You broke up with Penny, and now Alex comes back into your life. Sounds very convenient."

"It's not like that," Alex hastened to say. "Though I admit I've always wanted to work with Dr. Hofstadter."

"Are you sure you don't mean _under_ him?" Howard insinuated.

"Mr. Wolowitz, that's a very inappropriate remark!" Alex said, her face reddening.

"Howard, for God's sake!" Leonard snapped.

"What's going on here?" a new voice asked. Sheldon and Amy, cafeteria trays in hand, had walked up on the group. "Alex, what are _you_ doing here?"

"Hello, Dr. Cooper," Alex said to him, still uncomfortable. "I work here at the university now."

But Sheldon had already turned to Howard. "Did you receive a text from Dr. Siebert asking you to come to the cafeteria?" He held up his cell phone, showing them the text.

Howard reached in his pocket. "I don't think so—oh, yes, I did." Howard read the message. "It just says to come to the cafeteria at noon for an important announcement. Well, mission accomplished," he said, giving a quick salute.

"I got one, too," Raj said, holding up his own phone. "I wonder what's up?"

At that moment Drs. Gabelhauser and Siebert walked into the cafeteria. Spotting Leonard and Alex, they headed over to the table. "Good," Dr. Siebert said to Sheldon, "I see you got my text."

"What's this all about, President Siebert?" Sheldon asked him. "You usually notify faculty members well in advance of any announcements."

"Yes," Siebert said. "And you usually drive me crazy trying to find out what the announcement's about. Well, this time I waited until the last minute to let you know."

"Why?" Sheldon asked. But at that moment Dr. Gabelhauser stepped forward, raising his arms to draw attention to himself.

"Everyone! Listen up!" the Physic Department head called out. "Everyone will receive an e-mail this afternoon, but before that we wanted to make the announcement with our new team present."

"What new team?" Howard asked. He was ignored.

"President Siebert and I," Gabelhauser continued, "would like to announce the formation of a new research group here at the university, one designed with the goal of detecting and discovering the presence and properties of dark matter and energy in our universe. President Siebert, I'll let you take it from here."

"Thank you, Eric," Siebert said. "The new building we've completed on the south campus will be the location for this new research group. It will be headed up by none other than our illustrious Dr. Leonard Hofstadter—" he clapped Leonard on the back "—assisted by the newest member of our staff, Dr. Alex Jensen, who comes to us after two years at Fermilab!"

Applause broke out in the cafeteria as Leonard and Alex both smiled and nodded their thanks. Sheldon looked singularly unimpressed. "I could've waited for the e-mail," he muttered, turning away to find another table to sit at. "Come on, Amy."

"Wait, Dr. Cooper," Siebert said. "There's more!" He raised his voice again. "As one of the preeminent scientists working on dark matter theory, Dr. Sheldon Cooper will join the new team in an advisory capacity. This means, unfortunately, that he will no longer be available to teach classes in the future." Louder, more enthusiastic applause broke out this time.

"Wait a minute," Sheldon objected, as the applause died down. "What if I don't _want_ to join this new team?"

"You don't have a choice, Dr. Cooper," Siebert said. "You wanted to do dark matter research. This is the team that's going to study it. Therefore, you're on the team."

"But if that's true, _I_ should be in charge of the team!" Sheldon insisted.

"Dr. Hofstadter is in charge of the team," Gabelhauser said. "His work these past few months has shown that he's the foremost authority on dark matter these days. Sorry, Dr. Cooper."

"Unacceptable!" Sheldon declared. "I refuse to work as a subordinate to someone to whom I'm clearly a superior intellect!"

"In that case, Dr. Cooper," Siebert said, in a quiet but firm tone. "We will have to remove you from dark matter research and put you back on string theory."

"But I don't _want_ to work on string theory anymore!" Sheldon whined, wringing his hands as he started to resemble a six-foot-one baby about to throw a tantrum.

"Sheldon," Leonard spoke up. "Come on, give it a chance. I think we can do some really ground-breaking work here."

"No!" Sheldon cried. "You can't make me!" He dropped his food tray on the table and stalked out of the cafeteria, leaving Amy standing there holding her tray and looking after him in dismay.

She looked back at Siebert and Gablehauser. "I'll talk to him," she said. "He's not very good with unexpected changes." She started to follow Sheldon but stopped, turned and put her tray on the table next to Sheldon's, then hurried out of the cafeteria after him.

"Boy, _that_ didn't go over well," Howard whispered to Raj. "I'm glad I'm not in Sheldon's shoes."

"Oh, I forgot to mention," Siebert announced to the room at large. "Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz will also join the Dark Matter research group as part of its support group." Raj and Howard both froze, eyes wide with shock and horror. "Look for the formal announcement in your inboxes this afternoon!" Siebert and Gablehauser both waved and exited the cafeteria, leaving Howard and Raj staring at Leonard and Alex.

"Well, look at it this way, guys," Leonard said. "You'll get your choice of office space in the new building."

Howard stared at him balefully. "Did you know about this?"

"Only that Siebert was going to make the announcement," Leonard said. "I had no idea he'd picked other faculty members to join the team."

Alex looked confused. "What's the problem? I thought you all were friends?"

"We _were_," Howard grumbled, giving Leonard a dirty look. "Until Dr. Hofstadter here stabbed us all in the back. Come on, Raj." He and Raj dropped their trays on the table and stalked out of the cafeteria.

"I don't understand," Alex said to Leonard.

Leonard sighed. "I'm not sure I do, either, Alex. It's a long story."

Alex smiled. "Well, Leonard, I have some free time for the next hour or so…"

**=ooo=**

Penny walked up the stairs from the fourth to the fifth floor. She'd tried the elevator first but the button for the fifth floor wouldn't work no matter how many times she pushed it. She'd briefly considered zapping the elevator into working anyway but decided against it.

If she'd wanted to, she could just as easily have popped directly into Leonard's new apartment. But that didn't seem to be a good idea, either—she needed to approach him like a normal person would, not all arrogant and presumptive like a witch (for example: Endora) would be.

She looked around the fifth floor foyer as she reached the top of the stairs. It looked smaller than the other floors. And the door to apartment 5B was missing. Well, she'd heard construction noises coming from the floor above her a few weeks ago, but she'd been mad at Leonard then and had resolved to ignore them. In fact she'd cast a spell so she wouldn't hear any sound at all. Now, for some reason, apartment 5B was closed off. Penny shrugged; maybe she'd find out what was up when she talked with Leonard.

She knocked on the door to 5A. "Just a second," Leonard's voice called out, and a few moments later he opened the door. He froze when he saw her. "Oh," Leonard finally said, regaining his voice. "Hello."

"Hi," she said. "Can we talk?"

"Um," Leonard looked behind him. "I was…just getting…dinner ready…"

"Good," she smiled, stepping into the apartment. "Wow," she muttered, seeing it for the first time. "This is really nice!"

The apartment was the same basic style as 4A, but the furnishings were quite different. There was still a large leather sofa in the middle of the living room, it faced directly toward the wall in front of it, which sported a big-screen TV and stereo system. Leonard's desk and computer was in the alcove behind the sofa, along with several bookshelves filled with books. There were other chairs and tables arranged next to the sofa to make a conversation area, and the kitchen area had an array of brand-new equipment: a stainless steel refrigerator, a dual range, a microwave and coffee maker, and an automatic dishwasher. The new stuff made Penny wonder how Leonard had furnished his bedroom.

But she was getting ahead of herself. "I just thought I might come up and say hi," she said, trying to sound casual. "See how things were going with you. You know, just being a good neighbor…"

"That's nice," Leonard smiled. The smile faltered a moment later. "But I'm kind of in the middle of—"

"Of dinner, yeah, you told me," Penny butted in, thinking it would be good if she could talk to him over a meal. "I can smell it. I'm impressed, Leonard!" she said to him. "Making your own meal instead of ordering takeout!"

"Well, uh, yeah," Leonard shrugged. "That's—not—exactly what's going on here…"

The door to the bathroom opened and Alex stepped out, straightening her hair as she walked into the living room. "It smells like dinner is almost ready, Leonard," she said. "I hope you're hungry—oh, hello," she said as she saw Penny. "It's Penny, right?"

"Right," Penny said, her eyes narrowing as she recognized Alex. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Alex almost looked surprised at the question. "I offered to make Dr. Hofstadter dinner so we could discuss the new research we'll be doing," she said pleasantly, not reacting to the hostile undertone of Penny's question.

"New research?" Penny repeated. She looked at Leonard. "What's _that_ about?"

"Alex and I are going to be researching dark matter together," Leonard explained.

"I thought Alex was Sheldon's assistant," Penny said.

"That was two years ago," Alex replied. "I've been working at Fermilab for the past two years. The president of the university offered me a job and I accepted."

"Well," Penny said coldly. "I'll just leave and let you two research pals get on with your—" she made air quotes "—research." She turned toward the door.

"Penny, wait!" Leonard said suddenly.

"Wait?" Penny said, surprised.

"Wait for _what_?" Alex said, equally surprised.

"Look," Leonard said, to both of them. "We're all adults here. Penny and I broke up a few weeks ago—"

"Over a month ago," Penny muttered. "We haven't spoken since, until _I_ decided to break the ice and come up and see you!"

"Alright, be that as it may," Leonard continued. "There's no reason why we can't all have a nice meal and conversation together—"

"I can think of _several_ reasons, actually," Alex murmured.

"So can I," Penny snapped.

Leonard paused, taking a deep breath. "Can't we at least _try_?" he asked, pleadingly.

Penny locked eyes with Alex. This was like her and Emily all over again. But then, she'd managed to become friends with Emily, somehow. "We can try," she said, grudgingly. "No promises, though."

"Same here," Alex said. "I'll get another plate."

"Good," Leonard said, looking relieved. _He has no idea what he's asking of me_, Penny and Alex both thought to themselves.

A few minutes later the three of them were settled in the living room with their meals. Leonard had taken a spot in the middle of the sofa, hoping Penny and Alex would sit on either side of him. But both women had found separate chairs to sit in; Penny was in a leather recliner that was in the same spot Leonard's big cushy chair had been in 4A. Alex had taken a chair across the coffee table from her. "Well, this is nice," Leonard said, cluelessly.

"Oh, boy, it sure _is_!" Penny responded snarkily.

"So, Dr. Hofstadter and I were going to discuss some of the methods we might use to detect dark matter signature in our galaxy," Alex said, not wanting Penny to establish what they would be talking about.

Penny smiled. "I suppose you've considered using GPS and measuring discrepancies in atomic clocks as an indicator of dark matter presence," she said. She had been doing her own reading of Leonard's papers online in the past six weeks; her intelligence since becoming a witch had been on the increase.

"Why, yes," Alex admitted, surprised Penny was aware of the current technique. "However, we are also working on a new method, using nanotechnology."

"Yeah, we can't actually say much about that," Leonard warned. "It's still pretty hush-hush." He'd been working on a method of forming autonomous nanobots, which could be used for a variety of applications, but he'd only told Alex about them so far, as he couldn't trust anyone else just yet. _Especially_ Sheldon, who was still resisting joining the team despite Amy's efforts to convince him otherwise.

"Well, mum's the word," Penny said, miming locking her lips.

"You seem to know something about dark matter research," Alex said to her. "I didn't know you were knowledgeable about such things."

"There's a _lot_ you don't know about me," Penny shot back at her.

"There's a lot she doesn't _need_ to know about you," Leonard said, warningly, thinking now that having this meal together wasn't such a good idea.

"It's alright, Leonard," Alex said confidently. "I'm not afraid of whatever secrets Penny may be hiding."

_Oh, if you only knew_, Penny thought. Aloud, she said, "I don't think we need to get into my secrets right now, Leonard—you have enough of them as it is." She stood, leaving her plate on the coffee table. "Thanks for dinner, but I'll be going now. I don't want to disturb your quality time together." She walked to the door, then turned to look at the two physicists. Leonard was staring at her, a hangdog look on his face, but Alex still had her back to Penny. She gave Leonard a dirty look as she raised her hands, snapped her fingers, and vanished.

After a few seconds Alex glanced at Leonard. "Is she gone yet?"

"Um, yeah," Leonard said, uncomfortably.

"I didn't hear the door," Alex pointed out.

"Penny can be very quiet when she leaves," Leonard said.

"Apparently just the opposite of when she's here,' Alex snarked. "Leonard, I'm starting to wonder if she's really over you. Or if you're over _her_." She stood and walked to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow at the new building," she said, and walked out, leaving Leonard alone.

Leonard stared at the door for a long time after Alex had left. "I'm starting to wonder if I'm over her, too," he murmured to himself.

**=ooo=**

_That evening in apartment 4A—_

"_No_, Amy! I'm not going to work for Leonard and that's _final_!" Sheldon said loudly, folding his arms stubbornly.

Amy had been trying to convince her fiancé to change his mind about working for Leonard in his new position as Head of the Dark Matter Research team at Caltech. As expected, it was rough going. But hardship and insurmountable odds had never beaten Amy Farrah Fowler before. After all, she'd caught Sheldon Cooper, hadn't she?

"Alright, Sheldon," she finally agreed. "You're right—it would be a step backward for you to start working for Leonard now."

"Dang straight," Sheldon nodded. "Without me he'll undoubtedly fail."

"Agreed," Amy nodded. "And with his failure dark matter research at Caltech will be set back a decade or more."

"Right," Sheldon agreed. Then he thought about that for a moment. "Wait a minute—"

"The university will lose a lot of grant money," Amy continued inexorably. "But you will have proved your point, that Leonard is no match for you intellectually—"

"Now hold on!" Sheldon stopped her right there. "Do you really think Leonard's failing will set back dark matter research a whole _decade_? That's unacceptable!"

"Well, I don't know what you can do about it, Sheldon," Amy said, shrugging her shoulders helplessly. "You've already said you won't work for him. If you did, you would be able to prop him up, keep the research going that will ensure you will someday get the Nobel Prize you've been working so long for."

"I hadn't thought of that," Sheldon realized. "You're right, Amy! I do need to continue to fight for dark matter research. If I have to do so by working with an inferior mind like Leonard, it's just one of the many crosses I've had to bear over the years." He shook his head. "I just find it so hard to keep trying, year after year, to get what I want, only to be thwarted at every turn. You have no idea what it's like, Amy."

Amy rolled her eyes heavenward. "Don't be too sure about that, Sheldon."

A sudden loud BANG from across the hall startled both of them. "What was _that_?" Sheldon gasped.

"If I'm not mistaken, it was the sound of Penny's door slamming in frustration," Amy guessed. "Perhaps I should go see what's got her riled up."

"I'll leave you to it, then," Sheldon said. "I think I'll begin writing my Nobel Prize acceptance speech for my contributions to dark matter research."

Leaving the apartment, Amy went across the hall to 4B and knocked on the door. A moment later Penny answered it. "Hi Amy," she said. "Off on another vacation already? I thought you and Sheldon just got back from a trip."

"It's not that," Amy offered. "I heard your door slam and came over to see if there was something I could help you with."

"Oh. That," Penny shrugged. "It was nothing." She walked away from the door and Amy followed her inside, shutting the door behind them.

"It didn't sound like nothing," Amy said. "I thought the door was going to come off its hinges." She watched as Penny went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of red wine.

"You want a glass of wine?" Penny asked. She was holding wine glasses Amy hadn't seen her get from a cabinet or off a counter top.

"Perhaps a little," Amy nodded. "I have to drive home before long."

Penny filled a third of one glass, then poured the other one full to the rim. She picked up the full one with a smooth motion that didn't spill a drop, clinking it with Amy's glass as she picked up hers. "Here's looking up your old address," Penny said, and drank as Amy sipped at hers.

"So what's up?" Amy asked as the finished.

Penny sighed gustily. "I went up to talk to with Leonard a while ago," she said in a dispirited tone. "_Who_ do you think is up there with him?"

"Judging from your tone," Amy said, diffidently. "I suppose it's a woman."

"I'll save you the trouble of guessing," Penny grumbled. "It was Alex Jensen."

Amy looked thoughtful for a moment. "Alex? Wasn't that the girl who was Sheldon's assistant a few years ago?"

Penny nodded. "Now she's back and working with Leonard this time."

"Huh," Amy said, surprised. "Well, like I said the last time, that skank's _your_ problem, not mine."

"Yeah, well, thanks for nothing," Penny muttered.

Amy had a sudden thought. "Are you trying to get Leonard back? I would have thought that would have been the last thing you'd want to do after the way he dumped you."

"It's complicated," Penny mumbled.

"It doesn't seem complicated," Amy disagreed.

"Well, it _is_," Penny insisted.

"Do you still love him?" Amy asked.

There was that question again! "I said it's _complicated_!" Penny said again, trying to get Amy to drop it.

"You _do_ love him!" Amy realized. "I knew it!" she crowed to herself. "Sheldon and I had a bet, and I won!"

Penny looked at Amy in shock. "You had a bet on whether I loved Leonard or not? What the hell kind of stuff do you and Sheldon talk about?"

Amy shrugged. "Just stuff. Not important. The point is," she went on, "you can't give up now, Alex or no Alex. You have to fight to keep your man, just like I fought to keep Sheldon."

"You didn't have someone like Alex going after Sheldon," Penny pointed out.

"That's _not_ the point," Amy insisted. "You've got a lot of things going for you, too!"

"More than you know," Penny muttered to herself.

"So what are you going to do?" Amy asked.

Penny looked at her, then nodded. "I'm going for it," she said, finally agreeing. "I'm going to get Leonard back!"

Amy reached over and hugged her. "I'm so happy for you! It's just too bad _we _never…" Amy's voice trailed off for a moment. "Well, never mind that now. I'm engaged, after all."

**=ooo=**

_The first day at the new Dark Matter research lab— _

Leonard drove himself into Caltech that morning, wondering why Alex had not come by to pick him up, as usual. Well, it wasn't hard to figure out, really—she was still upset after the altercation with Penny in his apartment last night. He would have to reassure her that nothing was going on between him and Penny anymore.

Of course, if that was the case, that Alex needed reassuring he and Penny weren't together, one could infer that was important to _Alex_ for some reason. Leonard liked Alex; he wanted her to be his lead researcher on the new Dark Matter team. But was there any _other_ reason he might want to work so closely with Alex?

Leonard recalled the evening Alex came over while he and Sheldon were playing a game of Giant Jenga. Alex had invited him to a lecture by Kip Thorne, which Leonard had to decline since he plans with Penny. Alex suggested she could discuss the lecture with him afterwards over coffee, or perhaps dinner, startling him into knocking over the Giant Jenga and losing the game.

He should have remembered that before now, Leonard realized. But why hadn't he? Had he been concentrating so much on his research and writing over the past months that he'd forgotten he was trying to make a better life for himself and a significant other? But now he _had_ no significant other—he'd broken it off with Penny thinking they weren't compatible enough to stay together. It had seemed the right thing to do at the time, but he was having second thoughts now. On the other hand, they had gotten together and broken up so many times over the years there was no reason to suppose they wouldn't keep on doing that forever!

Leonard pulled into his stall in the parking lot and turned off the car. But he didn't get out, he just sat there continuing to ponder what he ought to do. Things were becoming more and more complicated every day—they were scheduled to begin work on dark matter research today, but it seemed like everyone in the group was mad at him: Sheldon, Raj, Howard, even Alex! Leonard left his car and walked into the new building, hoping he could turn things around and get everyone on his side again.

In the lobby of the building Leonard found Howard and Raj waiting for him, and to his surprise Sheldon was there as well. "Hey, guys," Leonard said, happy to see them all there. "I'm glad you could all be here this morning."

"It's not like we had a choice," Howard grumbled. "Our old jobs were shut down. It was either come here or go without work."

"Oh," Leonard gulped, surprised. He hadn't considered his friends would be forced to take these jobs. "Well … if you'll all head to the conference room, we can begin the orientation session."

Raj and Howard looked at one another, shrugged, and walked away, leaving Leonard with Sheldon. "I see you decided to give this a try, Sheldon," Leonard said to him. "I'm glad you're here."

"Yes, well, Amy pointed out that if you failed to make this project a success it would set back dark matter research a decade, so I decided to come here to make sure that didn't happen," Sheldon pointed out. He started to walk away as well.

"Hold on! Wait a minute!" Leonard exclaimed. Sheldon turned around. "The project hasn't even gotten _started_ yet, Sheldon! Why would Amy think it's going to fail?! Why would _you_?!"

"Oh, Leonard," Sheldon said, in a pitying tone. "We both know how I've been carrying you for all these years."

Leonard stared at Sheldon with a growing resentment. "If that's what you really think, Sheldon, maybe you should go back to your own independent work on the subject, and we'll find someone who wants to work with us!"

Sheldon's expression was flinty. "Perhaps I will," he said huffily. "But since my offices are now here, you'll just have to put up with me being here while you go on with whatever willy-nilly work you plan on doing! Now, good day, sir!" Sheldon turned and stalked away down the corridor to his new office.

Leonard was still staring angrily after him when Alex came into the lobby, hurrying over to where he stood. "Leonard?" she said, hesitantly.

"What?" Leonard snapped, turning. "Oh. Hi, Alex," he said. "Sorry for snapping at you. I just had an unpleasant conversation with Sheldon."

"Yes, I heard it from outside," Alex said. "Um, speaking of unpleasant conversations, I wanted to apologize for the way I spoke to you the other evening in your apartment."

"You don't have to apologize, Alex," Leonard told her. "It was a mistake for me to try and force you and Penny to be friends. I—I don't know what I was thinking."

"It's alright," Alex said, with a shy smile. "And it's okay if she's still your friend, even if you've broken up."

"Thanks, Alex," Leonard said, smiling at her. Maybe things could work out with Alex after all—

"Who's broken up?" Penny suddenly asked from directly behind them.

Leonard and Alex spun around, startled. "Penny!" Leonard exclaimed. "What are _you_ doing here?!"

Penny smiled. "I just thought I'd come check out your new building," she said. She glanced at Alex. "You don't mind, do you?"

"Um, no," Alex shook her head. "Of—of course not…" Giving Penny and Leonard an odd glance, she said, "I'm, uh, going to the conference room to bring Raj and Howard up to speed on the project." She walked away quickly into the conference room.

"You don't mind that I'm here, do you?" Penny asked innocently.

"No. I mean, it's—it's fine," Leonard stammered. "After last night, though, I didn't expect you'd want to hang around as much with me anymore."

Penny decided to go straight on into the problem. "Actually, I decided that you screwed up pretty badly by dumping me, Leonard, and I think we ought to get back together."

"Er—" This was something of a first for Leonard—no woman had ever asked to get back together with him before! So he had to ask. "Penny, are you drunk?"

"Oh, thank you very much!" Penny snapped at him. "Is that what you think, that I'd have to be _drunk_ to want to get back with you?!"

"Well, the first time you proposed to me you _were_ drunk," Leonard reminded her.

"Never mind that!" Penny deflected. "The point is, I wasn't drunk the _last_ time I proposed to you, was I?"

"That's true," Leonard had to admit.

"And we stayed engaged for an entire year without any problems, didn't we?" Penny demanded.

"That's true, too," Leonard also had to admit. "If you don't count all of the tricks your grandfather's family pulled on me over the past year, testing whether I would stay with you."

"And you did," Penny said smugly. "So, what do you say?"

Things were happening way too quickly. "I'll… think about it," Leonard finally got out.

Penny stared at him incredulously. "It's Alex, isn't it?" she demanded. "She got her hooks into you, didn't she?"

"No, no," Leonard shook his head. "I—just—really don't know what to do at the moment, Penny. Things are moving too fast at the moment and I—"

"Ah, Dr. Hofstadter! There you are!" Drs. Gabelhauser and Siebert had come into the lobby. "You haven't been answering your phone!"

"Sorry." Leonard pulled out his phone as the Physics Department head and university president hurried over to him and Penny. "Oh," he said. "I'm not getting any bars on my phone."

"Hm," Gabelhauser said, looking around the lobby. "It's possible the materials in this new building is blocking off cell reception. We'll figure something out to fix that. Anyway, Dr. Hofstadter, we have some very important and exciting news for you!"

"What's that?" Leonard asked, wondering what kind of hoops they wanted him to jump through now.

"We've been in discussions with CERN," Siebert said, jumping into the conversation. "They were very impressed with your paper discussing the possibility of direct creation of dark matter using a specially-modified supercollider, and they want you to lead the research effort at CERN itself."

"Crap," Penny muttered under her breath. "That complicates things."

"Me?!" Leonard was flabbergasted by this news. "But I've just started work on the project _here_!"

"We know," Gabelhauser said. "But we're also aware of the friction between you and Dr. Cooper over the project."

"How did you hear about that?" Leonard wanted to know.

"Dr. Cooper has been sending us both letters almost continuously since the announcement," Siebert said, in an irritated tone. "Frankly, if the board of directors didn't consider him a valuable resource to the university I'd send _him_ off to Switzerland!"

"But _I'm _the one who's been gaining interest for the university lately," Leonard pointed out.

"Right," Siebert agreed. "But you're the one CERN wants, and what's good for CERN is good for us as well. You leave for Geneva tomorrow morning."

"But what about my tenure here—"

"You'll still have it when you get back," Gabelhauser cut him off. "We don't expect you to be away more than five or six years." The two men turned and left the lobby, eagerly discussing the grant opportunities having Leonard at CERN would provide.

Leonard turned helplessly to Penny. "What do I do _now_?"

"Well, I guess you pack your bags for ski weather," Penny quipped.

"You know what I mean," he huffed. Then he realized— "Hey, _friend_, could you, um, you know, work a little magic for me—?"

"Hmm," Penny said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "So, first you tell me you don't want me doing _any_ magic for you, then you break up with me, and now you want me to fix your problems you've got with magic. Hmm…"

"Come on, I don't want to live in Switzerland!" Leonard whined. "It's really cold there!"

"You lived at the North Pole for three months," Penny reminded him.

"It was cold _there_, too! Especially the night the heater went out!" Leonard complained.

"That must have been an interesting night, with the four of you all together, naked." Penny laughed.

"Look," Leonard said, nearly pleading now. "Are you going to help me out, or not?"

"I'll think about it," Penny said, using the same words Leonard had told her earlier. She glanced at her watch. "Oh, look at the time! I'd better get to work, I've got a lot of doctors to visit today."

"Penny—"

"I'll think about it," she said again, then snapped her fingers and vanished.

"Wonderful," Leonard said. "I'm about to be exiled and she develops a conscience over magic use all of a sudden." Shaking his head, he went into his new office and shut the door, planning to update his profile on LinkedIn.

**=ooo=**

_Two days later, in Geneva, Switzerland—_

Leonard's teeth were chattering by the time jumped from the shuttle dropping him off at the Hotel Suisse, where he'd booked accommodations until he could find something more permanent. A porter carried his suitcases inside and over to the counter, where a clerk was smiling at him.

"Leonard Hofstadter," he said. "I have a reservation for a single for five days."

"Certainly, sir," the clerk said, with an accent that sounded vaguely German. "How do you spell that, please?"

Leonard spelled his last name as the clerk typed it into his terminal. "Ah, yes," he nodded. "Room 601. All the details have been taken care of, sir. The porter will bring up your bags. Enjoy your stay here at Hotel Suisse."

"Thanks," Leonard said, shivering. He took the elevator up to the sixth floor and let himself into his room. He walked over to the bed and sat down, looking around. The room was nice, relatively spacious, with a queen sized bed, a large screen television and remote atop a dresser and a writing desk. Checking his phone, he saw that the room had free Wifi, and the bathroom was stocked with fresh towels and toiletries. Leonard sighed. There was a knock at the door—the bellboy had arrived with his luggage. Leonard had him set his bags on the dresser and gave him a five-Euro note. The bellboy thanked him and left. Leonard dropped back on the bed, sighing again.

None of the niceties of the room changed the fact that he was 6000 miles from home, with almost no chance of returning there for several years. What was he going to do now?

"How about a nap, dear boy?" Leonard leaped off the bed, startled by the voice coming from the other side of the bed. He spun around to find Endora stretched across the bed in her green and purple witch's gown. She patted the empty bed next to her. "I've just had a long flight, too," She said, stifling a yawn. "I could use forty winks."

"Endora?" Leonard could hardly believe what she was suggesting. "You—you don't mean for us to—"

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," the red-headed witch snapped, sitting up. "I just wanted to see how you're dealing with your new situation."

"Not very well," Leonard said honestly. "This is not how I thought things were going to go! I had a tenured position at my university, five million dollars in the bank, and I was about to begin work on a project that could have brought mankind to the stars.

"Now I'm here in freaking Switzerland, slowly freezing to death, and everyone I know is back home enjoying all the fruits of my labor!" Leonard was pacing the floor now, nearly yelling in frustration over everything he felt he'd lost.

"You have only yourself to blame for all this, you know," Endora told him.

"Excuse me?" Leonard stopped pacing and stared at her in disbelief. "How am _I_ to blame?!"

"You're the one who wished yourself into becoming a genius," Endora pointed out. "Penny told me that's how you suddenly became so smart. Instead of cultivating that genius and publishing your findings carefully over time, you decided to show up your friend Sheldon and began publishing article after article making giant strides in science and mathematics. I had a friend once," Endora went on. "He did the same thing you did, about a century ago. He published quite a bit in the space of a single year. But afterwards, he was never able to repeat the success he'd had in that one year."

Leonard stared at her. "You're talking about Albert Einstein?" he asked.

"Or Al, as I liked to call him," Endora smiled. "Quite an interesting fellow, Al was. Relatively speaking, that is." Endora regarded Leonard coolly. "So now you're here instead of there. Instead of being engaged to the woman you love she's out going to clubs every night with a new man. Your friends hardly know you're gone, they're so busy working on the research you started for them. And your best friend Sheldon will soon get married, and you won't even get an invitation to the wedding."

"Maybe I deserve this," Leonard said dejectedly. He dropped back heavily onto the bed. "I didn't know what I was doing."

"Of course you didn't!" Endora agreed. "You listened to your brain and not your heart! My poor step-granddaughter isn't out partying every night—she's sitting home alone crying because she thinks you don't love her anymore!"

Leonard looked up at her. "You're right. You're right! Whatever that wish did that made me smart, it also made me forget about love. I see that now, but it's too late for me to take everything back. I think I'm stuck with what I've got."

"Oh, pish-tosh," Endora dismissed the idea with a wave of her hand. "It's never too late to turn things around!"

"But what can I do?" Leonard asked.

"You? Nothing, dear boy, your wishcraft is almost completely gone by now," she told him. "That last big wish of yours is what did it.

"Now, I think I can make things right for you," Endora went on. "_If_ you're willing to give up all of that money and fame you have now. And if you're willing to put things back the way they were before Penny became a witch. It really is much too dangerous to allow mortals to become witches and warlocks—you just don't know how to handle it," Endora declared.

Leonard was trying to understand. "Are—are you saying that we would go back to the way things were before Penny became a witch?"

"Yes, exactly," Endora nodded.

"Wow," Leonard muttered. "I don't know if I should make that big a decision for her. I mean, she's the one who decided to become a witch, I didn't decide that for her."

"You decided her happiness when you broke off the engagement with her," Endora said. "How is that any different?"

Leonard slumped. "I guess it's not," he said, defeated. "Okay, I give up. If we can go back to the way things were before, I want to do it. Can you do that?"

"I'll need some help," Endora admitted. "But I think I know someone who can help me." She looked upward. "Maurice!"

Penny's dapper grandfather appeared as thunder and lightning filled the Geneva skies, making the room lights flicker on and off. "You called, my dear?" he asked, smiling at his wife.

"Lombardi here would like us to put things back the way they were before you talked Penny into becoming a witch," Endora said. "I think that we should, but I'll need your help with the spell. As you know, it requires a lot of magic."

"Indeed," Maurice said. He turned to Leonard. "Are you sure about this, my boy? Once done, it cannot be undone—Penny will be a mortal forever. And you will not even remember that she was ever a witch. Are you prepared to make that decision for her?" His tone was grave.

Leonard swallowed. "I hope this is the right thing to do, sir. Both for her sake as well as mine."

"Very well," Maurice turned to Endora. "Are you ready to begin?"

Endora nodded and began to speak as her arms moved in mystic patterns:

_Powers of space and time, hearken to our plea,  
__Turn back the hands of time, remake what is to be!_

Maurice then raised his hand and continued the spell:

_Reshape what was, return to what we see,  
__Make the best of our fate to be!_

Leonard felt himself caught up in a whirlwind of light and sound, as if he were surrounded by images going past him backwards, like a movie run in reverse at high speed. His vision became foggy, blurred, and he felt himself both falling and spinning until he landed in his familiar plush chair in apartment 4A.

He found himself holding a plate of Thai food, with Sheldon sitting in his spot on the couch with his own plate of food. Penny was sitting in the chair next to him, eating as well. On the sofa next to Sheldon were Howard and Bernadette, with Raj sitting on the floor next to the coffee table. Amy was there as well; she'd pulled up a chair to sit between Leonard and Sheldon.

He felt like he'd just awakened from a dream. A very strange dream where Penny could do fantastic things with a wave of her hand, somehow. But he was in the middle of eating dinner—how could he have been asleep?

"You okay, sweetie?" Penny asked him, looking up from her plate of food. "You look pretty distracted over there."

"Oh, that's how Leonard looks all the time," Sheldon spoke up. "Nothing unusual about that."

"Sheldon," Penny admonished him. "Be nice and stop making fun of Leonard."

"Thank you," Leonard said to her.

"And Leonard," Penny admonished _him_. "Stop looking like a clueless weenie all the time."

After a moment Bernadette spoke to Sheldon. "Did the police in Kingman, Arizona ever locate the things that were stolen from you?"

"No," Sheldon shook his head. "But I turned off my phone and reported the cards stolen, so whoever has them won't be able to use them anymore."

"Well, that's good, at least," Bernadette commented.

"Of course, now we'll never know if Sheldon would have spent more or less on his Train Trek than the person who stole his things," Howard joked.

"It is a shame I won't be able to complete my quest," Sheldon said, a hint of sadness in his voice. "I had planned to travel to every state in the United States, excepting of course Hawaii, and perhaps Alaska as well."

"You can still do that, Sheldon," Leonard pointed out. "I'm sure the university would grant you more leave—"

Amy picked up a pillow and swung it back threateningly. Leonard shut up.

After dinner was finished Penny set her plate down and stood. "I need to get back to my apartment, I still have some studying on my pharmaceutical rep training manuals to do."

"I'll walk you over," Leonard offered. The two of them walked out into the fourth floor foyer, past the non-functioning elevator, and up to apartment 4B. "It was strange," Leonard was saying. "A while ago I had the weirdest feeling about you."

"What do you mean?" Penny asked.

"Well, I was thinking you were able to do things that regular people couldn't do, like make things move by just pointing at them," Leonard told her. He held up the plastic fork he was still holding. "Like this fork, for example."

"You mean like this?" Penny pointed her finger at the fork in Leonard's hand. Nothing happened. "Well, I guess not like _that_," she said, sheepishly. "Sorry, Leonard, I guess my magic powers were just a dream you had."

"I suppose so," Leonard muttered. "Well, have fun studying," he said, giving her a quick kiss, then going back to his apartment.

Penny unlocked her door and stepped inside her apartment. Standing in the middle of the living room were Maurice and Endora. "Did he fall for it?" Endora asked.

"Hook, line and sinker," Penny said smugly. "He has no idea I'm still a witch."

"I must admit, my dear," Maurice said. "That was a clever stratagem you devised, returning everyone to the time before you were a witch so that none of them would remember. Except Emily, of course, since she has been a witch for many years."

"I'm glad we were able to make it work," Endora said, pushing on her back to relieve the tension she was feeling. "That spell required a _lot_ of magic to work."

"Indeed," Maurice agreed. "I thought we'd have to bring in more of us at one point, but you and I were able to perform together once again, Endora." He smiled, leaning toward her.

"Don't get any funny ideas," Endora put a hand on his chest, pushing him back. "That's the _most_ we'll ever be doing together anymore."

"Thank you for doing it," Penny said sincerely. "From now on I'll keep being a witch to myself until _after_ Leonard and I are married."

"Perhaps that's something you should reconsider as well," Maurice suggested.

Penny shook her head. "No, I love him and I want to marry him, and I know he loves me now. I can't see us breaking up again."

"As you wish, my dear," Maurice said. He extended an elbow toward Endora. "May I drop you off somewhere, my dear?"

Endora took his arm, smiling. "How about at our favorite restaurant in Paris?" she asked. "After that display of magic I could use something to eat."

"You read my mind, my dear," Maurice smiled. He held out his hand and a top hat appeared in it. Placing it on his head, he bowed to Penny, "Ta-ta, my dear granddaughter. Until we meet again." He and Endora vanished in a burst of white light.

**=ooo=**

**The End**


End file.
